HE’S HERE.
I heard the door open, but even before that, I knew he was coming. I had watched him end his dance and fight through the women to get free. Had he waited like the others, he would have had no trouble getting to his office’s doorway without the hands of strangers pulling him back—craving what they had wanted them to want. I watched from the windows above the crowd, the scent of him surrounding me. For once, since I met him, it doesn’t bring me comfort, though.
“Why?” My voice is just a hint of a whisper. I keep my eyes on his reflection in the glass I’m facing, my heart dropping a little more when he winces. “Why, Shane!”
I spin around, not even feeling a hint of satisfaction when he flinches.
“All this time, I thought we had been moving toward something solid. The feelings I have for you, everything we’ve shared, the time together … all of that was for nothing, wasn’t it? Because if we had what I thought we did, you would have talked to me before tonight and seen for yourself the truth in my words. Tell me, what did you think would happen? Some giant rage of jealousy because you basically were naked and flaunting your body?”
“Nikki, it’s not like that,” he excuses weakly.
“Oh, really? Did you not just get up there and look in my direction with fear in your eyes? Because that wasn’t the face of a man who trusts what his girlfriend’s promised him over and over that she loves. Not one bit.”
“You’ve got to under—”
I cut him off with a shake of my head and the hardest of glares. “No, it’s you who doesn’t understand. I gave you everything. Not just my trust. For whatever reason, you just couldn’t give me the same.”
He takes a step toward me, but again, I shake my head, taking a step back until the glass presses against my back.
“I thought we stopped playing games weeks ago, Shane. But that’s what tonight was, wasn’t it? A test to see if I would be able to handle it? You made me think I was welcome here, but it was all just a big stupid test. If that’s where we are in our relationship, then you don’t even know me at all. If that’s how you feel, then this was never real to begin with.”
“Nikki,” he breathes, moving again. “Mon coeur, please.”
“Don’t use your French charm, Shane Kingston.” I step away from the glass and walk toward him. Stopping in front of him. His heaving chest just a foot away, tan skin still damp with sweat from his dancing. I don’t touch him, just look at him from top to toe, every inch that I love so much, and feel like he’s a hundred miles away instead of right in front of me. “Do you want to know what I see when you’re working out there?” I ask, pointing my hand at the glass. “I see the man behind the mask you wear when you’re doing something you love. I see the drive that put you in that strip club years ago. The young man doing everything he could just to keep what was left of his family together. I see the man he is now, strong and sure, never losing that part of himself. Not because he has to do it to survive, but because he did survive and, in turn, learned how to find happiness in his struggles. I see your strength. Your passion for a better life. I see the man who owned me long before he became mine and I surrendered myself completely. I see someone who others could only dream of knowing like I do, but I’m the one who gets that honor. Not once had it even crossed my mind to be jealous that you’re entertaining others with your body because I’ve always known it—you—belonged to me. Just like I belonged to you. But even with all of that being said, I deserve better than to have you doubt me in return, and until you understand that … until you can see that when you give someone your heart, you don’t have space for something as disgusting as jealousy because the trust you share doesn’t even allow it, then maybe it’s best that we take some space.”
I step around him but stop at his side before I can leave the room, looking up at his pained face. “Tu as mon être.” I whisper, and like a direct hit, his eyes close, and I know he understands that unless he can give me all of him, then we’re done.
He doesn’t stop me. I’m not sure he could if he wanted to, my words doing what I intended for them to do. I left the last part of my heart at his feet while walking calmly through the club. I’m not sure when Lewis joined my side, but sometime between the bottom of his steps and the hallway that takes me to the back parking lot, he fell in step with me. With clear eyes, despite my need to cry like a baby, I look up at him and smile a sad smile.
“How much of that did you see?”
“Don’t worry about it, blondie.”
“I wasn’t jealous,” I reiterate, wanting him to know the truth even though I’m sure it looked like something of the sort to those who might have seen the tension.
“I know,” he says softly.
“Will you watch out for him?” I’m not sure why I ask, but something tells me he’s going to need someone doing it. Nate’s his friend, yes, but he’s known me a lot longer, and with Ember in the middle of that, who knows what will happen. I just need to know he’s going to have more than Liberty to help him sort his head out.
Lewis nods, and I return the gesture. On our way out to the parking lot, we continue in silence. I was in my own head, and he was, well, Lewis. Had I been in the right frame of mind, maybe I wouldn’t have lost my mind a second later, but I was a girl with a bruised heart and an unclear future with the man she loved, so seeing the ex that had driven us together in the first place—the same one who had a big part to play in why he’s so messed up in the head about this whole jealousy crap—leaning against his car, I was done.
Gloves off and bell rung.
D. O. N. E.
Lewis moves, speaking in his security thing, but I just don’t care anymore.
“When will you get a clue?” I scream, kicking off my heels and stomping over the rough asphalt to her. She looks shocked at first, but then that nasty little sneer takes over her face. “Don’t even test me tonight, Lacey. He doesn’t want you; he hasn’t wanted you!”
An arm grabs my elbow and tries to pull me away, but I’m too far-gone. I pull back, not letting him take me from this woman. Her cocksure attitude dims slightly, but she doesn’t back off.
“For months, you sniffed around him and didn’t get a clue. You couldn’t hold him when you had him because you were blinded by your distrust. Distrust that will sink a relationship. It did with yours then, and it would again if he had been stupid enough to let your claws back in. But he wasn’t, and because of that, he found me. Don’t even test me right now because I’m over it.”
“He’ll always be mine!” she yells back, but I hear the tremor in her voice when I pull free from my captor and bump her with my chest, making her fall to her butt on the dirty ground.
I step over her, feet on either side of her hips and look down at her, not even caring if she can see up my skirt. She no longer looks sure of herself. She actually looks scared. I hear Lewis continue to talk, feel him try to take my arm again, and then a bang, but the only thing I care about is this stupid woman.
“He’s fucking mine!” I scream. “Even if a day comes that he isn’t, we will always be connected because we’re meant for each other. Stop being pathetic and move the hell on!”
Without giving her another second of my time, I step over her and walk to my car, digging my keys out. I open my door, but before I drop down, I look over at where I had just been standing and see Shane next to Lewis. His whole body puffing with exertion and something I don’t even have the mental capabilities to handle right now written all over his face. What I do notice, though, is the redness and swelling around his left eye. With nothing left in me, the fight all gone, I just shake my head and get in my car.
This time, this time when I turn my back from him, I’m unable to keep the tears away.
“What the hell do you mean you’re going to the mountains alone?” Ember screams through the phone.
“Just what I said, Em. I called, and they had our cabin open, so I’m heading up a few days early. I just need to get my head together and figure out if I can stick this out and wait with the hopes that one day he’ll trust me like I trust him, or if I need to just cut ties now. He’s been calling since last night, and I know he’s going to start showing up soon. That’s just who he is. It’s how he works, and I think it’s best we both have some time to sort our heads out.”
“I hate this,” she complains under her breath. “Do you want me to come with you?”
God, I love my best friend. I really have the best one in the whole world.
“I’ll be okay, Em. If it’s meant to be, Shane and I will figure it out.”
“I know. I know. I just hate knowing that you’re hurting and you’ll be there all alone. What if you need ice cream?”
I chuckle under my breath, feeling a little of my heartache easing up a bit. “Then I’ll make sure I know where the closest Walmart is so I can buy some if need be. I promise, I’ll be okay. If I’ve learned anything over the past year and a half, it’s how to mend a broken heart.”
Lies. All lies. What I don’t tell her is that I already packed my portable cooler with a few cartons of ice cream and that I’ve already consumed my weight in a few other tubs while crying over a stupid boy. Truth be told, I don’t know if we are broken up. What I do know is that things aren’t in a good place, and if they can’t change—well, then I’ve lost something beautiful. That right there, though, is what is causing me the most trouble. I know without a doubt that if Shane and I can’t get past this, I’ll never find this again … ever. I’m ruined for another. My heart will always be his, no matter what. And I’ve struggled with that knowledge since walking away from him last night. But I would be doing us both a disservice if I didn’t take this time—give us both the space to figure out where our heads are. Me, I know I deserve his complete trust. Him, he deserves to be able to give it, and in turn, know what it’s like to have someone give themselves equally to the other. That’s the only way we’ll be able to move forward.
And it sucks.
“I love you, Em, but I need to get going. I want to hit the road before lunch so that I’m there before the afternoon rush with traffic. I promise, I’m okay.”
“I still don’t like it. Remember, I know how to shank.”
“You don’t need to shank anyone.”
“I’ve been eyeing my toothbrush all morning, Nik. I know what I need to make things happen.”
I laugh again because my best friend is the best.
“Keep it up and I’m going to call Nate and tell him you need to be in time-out from Netflix.”
“Promise, Nicole. You’ll call me when you get there and every damn hour so I know you’re okay. I don’t want you up there all alone if you need me. Mom already said she would keep Quinnie if I wanted to go with you.”
“You told her?”
She’s silent, and I know she told me more than she meant to.
“How much did you tell her?”
“Uh, on a scale of what to what?”
“On a scale of she’s made for the sisterhood or she’s told your dad and he’s ready to go kill someone for hurting one of the girls he considers under his protection?”
She might as well have just said what her silence was screaming. “Tell me Emmy at least made sure to hide his guns and anything sharp?”
“I’m relatively sure nothing was within reach, if that helps.”
“You know, I feel sorry for whoever your sister ends up with. Now that you’re married, Maddox only has her to focus on.”
She giggles. “He’s even worse now with Quinnie. She’s one lucky little girl.”
“Excuse me? You didn’t exactly feel lucky when you were on the other end of Maddox Locke’s over-the-top protectiveness.”
“True, but she’s my baby, and I see where he was coming from now.”
“Just tell me your dad isn’t going to make this even more difficult for Shane? I want him to figure things out because he wants to, not because someone strong-arms him with their scary glares and growling threats.”
“HA!” she exclaims. “That’s funny. Dad does growl when he’s getting all over the top, doesn’t he? Don’t fret, Nik. Shane’s safe from my dad. Plus, Nate took care of that.”
I think back to last night, remembering the redness around his eye. I had been too conflicted with my thoughts to put two and two together, but I should have known.
“Are they okay?” I ask in concern, hoping that Shane and Nate’s friendship and business partnership doesn’t get weird because we’re … whatever we are.
“You know how it is. Nate loves you like his own sister. You’re worried about my dad doing something, but keep in mind, Nate was raised by those very same over-the-top men. Shane knows he screwed up.” I can practically see her waving her hands in the air while she talks.
“What a freaking mess,” I huff, zipping up my bag of toiletries and tossing them in the duffle bag with my other bathroom products and styling tools. You would think I was moving with the amount of crap I have packed up, but with the unexpected early departure, I basically tossed all my packing lists out the window. What a freaking mess, indeed.
“I love you,” Ember says, no longer holding the strong emotional rage she had been exhibiting since I called her thirty minutes ago.
“I love you back. I’ll call you later, okay?”
We get off the phone, and I make quick work of finishing my packing. Since I didn’t have time to get the provisions that Shane and I had planned to get before heading up later this week, I needed to do about a million other things before locking myself away, so I didn’t waste a second throwing all my crap in my car and hitting the road.
I know he’ll come after me. After he figures out where I am, that is.
I just need to give myself enough of a head start that I’m able to take some time and figure out what I’m going to do when he does.
Do I settle and take the man who makes me drunk with every mixed drink of emotion, knowing I can love him enough for the both of us … or do I hold my ground and demand what I know I deserve?
All of him.
my heart
you had all of me – roughly translated from ‘you have my being’