“I CAN’T BELIEVE WE DIDN’T think of this shit years ago,” Nate grunts, backing away from the last new stage area we had to install. “I mean, shit, this is what we know.”
All in all, we added four new spotlight areas, just like the wet stage at the main bar. Two were in the VIP sections and two more were on opposite corners of the club. With the new theme night at Dirty, we hired a few new guys to take the stage during our Filthy nights, also adding more dancers to our lineup and freeing Nate and myself up to only step in when we want to, not because we have to.
“It’s a good idea,” I agree, my reluctance in putting more of myself on display and risking Nikki realizing she can’t do this because of my job weighing heavily on me. We were a week away from the big night, our first Filthy Friday, and instead of being fucking thrilled that we’re about to see a massive spike in revenue, I was terrified that I would lose the woman who I no longer believed I could live without.
“What’s crawled up your ass, man?” Nate asks, frowning at me before taking a huge gulp of water. Crumbling the bottle when he finished it off, he tosses it into the trashcan we had pulled to the middle of the room.
“Ember ever give you the kind of shit I got from Lacey about working here?”
Nate barks out a laugh. “You’re kidding, right? She loves it. At first, the only issue she had was that bitch Julie a few years ago who worked here. After her, smooth sailing, my man.”
“Just like that?”
Nate gets serious, leaning against one of the bar tables and studying me. I can’t imagine I’m doing a good job at hiding how stressed I’ve been with my concerns about Nikki really being okay with what I do. I want to trust what she says, but it’s hard when I lived through a relationship that did nothing but show me the negative side of what I do for a living when it comes to having a lasting bond with someone. I know it isn’t fair to her, not with the enormity of my feelings for the woman who started out as my fake girlfriend.
“Man, this shit isn’t the big bad monster you’re building it up to be. I’ve known Nikki for a long damn time, and I can promise you—just like Em—she wouldn’t give a shit if you got on one of these stages and started waving your decorated dick around. All she sees is the man she has that others might want but won’t ever have. Stop looking at it like a negative and see the other side of it.”
“Yeah? What side, Nate? The only fucking side I know is where my girl goes crazy, stalks my every move, monitors my phone, and then fucks another girl because she wants me to be as jealous as she is. It’s all I know, man!”
“One stupid bitch is going to ruin the best thing that has ever happened to you then,” he tells me honestly, his expression dead serious.
I run my hands through my hair. “You don’t think I know that? I feel like I’m holding on for dear life, just waiting for her to look at me one night while I do my job and her smile be gone. The thought of hurting her is fucking with my head.”
“Here’s a thought,” Nate says, pushing off the table and walking to where I’m leaning against the new stage we just finished building. “Maybe give her a chance to prove to you just how stupid you’re being.”
“And if I’m right?”
“Then at least you know, and maybe Nikki isn’t the girl I’ve known for over twenty years.”
He stalks off, disappearing behind the doorway that leads to his office. I take a look around the club and feel sick. This is why I work so fucking hard to keep everything in line. Surprises ruin everything.
Everything.
“What’s going on in that handsome head of yours?”
I turn from the movie I’d been staring at for the past hour, yet not really watching, and take in the woman who has quickly become everything to me. I shake my head, pull my arm around her shoulders, and pull her deeper into my side. Her eyes don’t leave mine, but her smile slips slightly.
“Seriously, Shane, you’ve been quiet since we left dinner earlier.”
“There’s just a lot going on at work, chèrie. Nothing to worry about.” The words taste wrong on my tongue, but I give her what I hope is a reassuring smile.
“Problems with the upcoming Filthy night unveiling?” She shifts on the couch while still within my hold, making it easier to look at me.
I feel her stare, and all it does is make this odd pit of dread I’ve been carrying since we started transitioning things at Dirty grow to insurmountable levels. The second she put the idea out there, even knowing it would take our ‘sex sells’ dancing to a new level, I knew it was the right move business-wise. I’ve just been struggling if it was the right move for me on a personal level—and for my relationship with Nikki.
“Or is it someone else making you get that hulking frown pop out so much on your face,” she asks when I continue my silent musings.
“No, Nikki.” I sigh, shifting to pull her on my lap. Her legs spread, and her hands curl around my neck. I look up at her, wondering how I got so fucking lucky at the same time praying I stay that way and this girl stays mine. Fuck, I hate having these doubts.
“We haven’t talked about Lacey in a while. Are you still worried about her?”
I shake my head. “She won’t ever be gone from our lives completely since she lives in town, but she knows she lost whatever bullshit she had let herself think could happen. She hasn’t been to Dirty, but I know she’s tried a few times. She’s not allowed in, and the bouncers know that. She isn’t stupid enough to show up here. That’s all that matters, Nik.”
“Something tells me she isn’t done, honey.” She flexes her fingers and bends down to look me in the eye. “Especially since the talk of Dirty going Filthy has gained momentum. There’s no way she’s missed it. I was driving over to Em’s the other morning, and they were talking about it on one of the morning radio shows.”
“I’m not surprised. We sold out the debut night tickets without marketing what it meant. That doesn’t mean she’s not going to start her shit.”
Nikki giggles, her smile hitting me deep. Fuck, this woman. Just the thought of losing something I had just found makes me feel sick.
“You’re crazy if you think that, Shane. Don’t worry; I’ll be there opening night ready to protect my man from the crazy lovers of past heartbreak.”
I lift off the back of the couch, my arms wrapping around her body and pulling her tighter to me at the same time. She melts, her hands shifting to my hair and her face dipping close. I pour everything into the kiss that follows, wanting her to feel everything. We continue to hold each other, our lips moving slowly and deeply. Only it’s my hold that feels a tad desperate.
Without breaking our connection, I shift my hold and grasp her ass to support my move as I stand from the couch. Her legs hook around my back the second I stand, causing a growl to rumble in my chest when her pussy presses tight against my crotch. The thin fabric of her yoga pants against my thin and faded sweats does nothing to hide the warmth coming from her. I bet under the layers, I would find her slick and wet, ready for me.
When I toss her on the bed, she doesn’t move. My perfect woman, sitting there and waiting for me to tell her what to do. I’m not stupid; I see the spark in her eyes when she wants to ask me to let her lead, but with all the bullshit in my fucking head, I can’t go there yet—and if I’m honest, I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready. Just the thought of being so vulnerable to anyone makes my skin itch. My control is the driving force that helped me survive the shit in my life. I’ve become as dependent on it protecting me when I was vulnerable as I have breathing to keep me alive.
Long after I’ve demanded her to strip and given us both what we wanted, my thoughts continue to race around in my mind. Nikki’s heart beats against my chest as she sleeps against my side, close and trusting. My own beats in a slow rhythm that echoes hers in the most lulling tango.
Never in a million years did I think I would know what it felt like to have a woman like her in my life. I had thought, in the beginning, I would eventually feel this with Lacey, but I know the difference now. When you have the real thing, you can see how cheap the imitations you had in the past hold up in what matters in life.
Almost two months ago, the girl I had a crazy-as-fuck crush on gave me an opening. I didn’t realize she would become my everything when we started our fake relationship. Now, I know there was never anything about it that wasn’t real. She’s meant for me. I was made for her. Two halves of a fucking whole and I know, without her, I’ll never have happiness again.
Which is why I’m fucking terrified she’s going to run. I lost the ability to control my fears. This woman submits her trust in me and allows me the gift of my control in every aspect that I ask. Her trust is given and comes without question or doubt. How fucked up is it that I can’t even give her the same type of respect when she’s given me no reason to think she might be like the other women I’ve known in the past? And I’m not sure what upsets me the most—that she might really be unable to handle my career or that I might not ever be able to enjoy the best thing I know will ever happen to me because I’m too fucked up to give her my complete trust.