Claire
THANKSGIVING IS UPON us and I find myself cooking for a small army. Albeit it’s at Zoey’s house and my sous-chef is Derrick, but it’s a small army none the less. We have two twelve pound birds and enough sides to feed said army. Having Derrick Hendrickson snapping to attention every time I open my mouth gives me great joy. Even Benny has come in to help. I think he came in for a water but I put him to work. But he didn’t complain when I sat him down and handed him a vegetable peeler. We all know that the only thing Ben does in regards to cooking is grill and, I would deny it if it ever got out, poorly at that. He just can’t cook, so to save us all a chance at food poisoning, I have him peeling sweet potatoes.
I can only imagine the picture the three of us make, aprons on, Derrick dicing vegetables for momma’s famous stuffing and Bennie now dicing said sweet potatoes. I’m at the stove checking on the potatoes. Making sure that they are fork tender when Sasha walks in with Ian Muldoon hot on her tail.
“Momma? What time is dinner? I have plans later.” Sasha walking into the room has all three of us turning toward the newcomers.
“Nothing that should keep you away from your family,” is Ian’s response.
Ian Muldoon is one scary man. If I ran into him in a dark alley I’d scurry away and out of sight. But he is kind, it’s in his eyes, and he has one heck of a wicked sense of humor.
I say man because there isn’t one thing about him that suggests an innocence. I know that he is a Jersey boy who joined the Marines right out of high school. Served four years and let the military pay for his college. At thirty he has more tattoos than Zoey and Derrick combined and just as beautiful.
“Who asked you, Ian? God! Don’t you have a family of your own?” Sasha responds. My girl is not unkind. That isn’t how I raised her to be, but the pure venom in her voice startles me.
“What’s more important than this?” Derrick splays his arms to encompass the entire kitchen, while Ben asks, “What are you up to, Sash?”
Looking over at my daughter, I realize that today is the first time that I have actually seen her in over a month. Sure, we’ve traded messages and texts, but it’s not quite the same. My kid and I used to spend all our time together and seeing her now brings forth an ache that I hadn’t noticed. Rubbing a hand absently over my breastbone, I realize that Jackson has filled that spot lately and I instantly feel guilty for my neglect.
I know something is going on with my girl, but she’s just like me. Push too hard and she’ll run in the opposite direction than you want her to.
Shoving the guilt aside, I smile over at my mini-me, reluctantly deciding that an all-out war today isn’t the best way to get Sasha to open up. “We’re gonna eat here in about an hour, Sash. Why don’t you grab that platter of bruschetta and take it out to the family room? I bet Suz and Ya are hungry.”
Her disgruntled, “What am I a freaking servant,” isn’t lost on me. Shaking my head, the only thing I think is at least the beast didn’t curse.
Christ, where did my sweet child go to?
Derrick walking over to where I’m standing and giving me a one-armed hug doesn’t ease the guilt that I shroud myself in. Placing my head on his shoulder for comfort, I realize that the emotional distance that has wedged its way between Sasha and me is tangible and suffocating, and I don’t see a light at the end of this tunnel anytime soon. She is my kid after all and stubborn should be our middle names.
“CHRIST, MULDOON, DON’T you ever fucking eat?” comes from Ben.
“Not home cooked,” Ian says as he shovels another fork full of mashed potatoes into his mouth. “Claire, this is the best meal I have ever had. Thank you for inviting me.”
I don’t remember extending an invitation to Ian, he just kind of showed up, but his enjoyment in the food brings joy to my heart. I love feeding people.
Jackson’s hand on my thigh has my tummy tingling and me wanting to mount him here and now. “Another meal that you should be proud of, Legs.”
Zoey, snatching the bowl of potatoes says, “See, Derrick, I told you there was an advantage to having Thanksgiving here.” Taking a huge scoop of potatoes she continues, “Look at all the leftovers we’re gonna have!”
“No fair!” comes from Suzie.
Just as Zoey starts to antagonize her best friend, I cut in. “Girls! There’s enough food for everyone to take home.”
Their immediate, “Yes ma’am,” is music to my ears.
Noticing that Sasha hasn’t had much to eat, I say, “Sash? Stinky? Are you not hungry? Do you want me to make a plate for you for later?”
She pushes the pitiful amount of food around her plate. “I’m good. Just feel bad that Brad is by himself today.”
Both Jackson and I go still at the mention of Brad. “I’m sure he’s with friends, Sash. No need to worry.” Jackson responds.
“Like you care.”
“Sasha! What has gotten into you?”
Shoving away from the table with an, “I’m out,” Sasha walks over to Zoey, gives her a kiss and walks out.
Ian’s abrupt, “I’m sorry, Claire, Coach. Forgot that I have to meet up with a friend. Gotta jet.” He leans over to kiss my cheek. “Dinner was amazing. Thank you for allowing me to join you all.”
I pat his hand. “Anytime, Ian. You’re always welcome.”
I look around the table and notice everyone is busy eating and avoiding eye contact with me. To break the awkwardness I say, “Talk about being able to clear a room.” It’s in jest which garners a chuckle from Derrick as he scoops another spoonful of rice onto his plate. Oblivious to the tension in the room, Suzie says, “Hey, Jack, do you think you could show me that trick you do with getting around firewalls?”
A few minutes pass with no response before my dear friend looks up from feeding Ally and says to the room, “What?”
DINNER AND DESSERT has been over for a good hour and I’m putzing around the kitchen when Ben walks in. He has been avoiding me lately which is unacceptable.
“Bennie?”
Grabbing a water out of the refrigerator, he says, “Yeah?”
“You’ve been avoiding me lately. Why?”
He closes the door to the refrigerator and turns toward me as I wipe down the island. “I’m not avoiding you per say. I’m just letting you find your balance.”
“I don’t understand. What do you mean?”
Walking over to the island, Ben sits down and blows out a deep breath. “I want you to know that I never wanted to get involved in the first place. Mac was so determined those last few months and he didn’t give me much of a choice.”
“I don’t want to talk about Mac.”
“Well we need to. I need to.”
Walking over and tossing the rag that I have been cleaning with into the laundry room, I turn back toward my friend. The indecision written all over his face has me worried. “Okay, Ben. What do you want to talk about?”
“He loved you, Claire.” One look at my face has him cutting me off. “He did. He just didn’t know how to show you.”
“Please, the man was an emotional eunuch with everyone except Zoey and his players.”
Getting frustrated with me, Ben shoves away from the island and stands to his full height. “That right there. That’s why I don’t want to talk to you about this. I told Mac you wouldn’t listen. That the overabundance of compassion and forgiveness you have for everyone else is not extended to Mac and your mother. You have none whatsoever when it comes to them.”
“I have none because they had none for me. I was pregnant and alone and the ONLY thing they cared about was how it would play out in the media. How the mighty Robert “Mac” McEvoy and Jami Applebee McEvoy would look to society. So don’t you fucking dare tell me I need to show compassion and forgiveness to them. I’ll be damned if I allow you to make me feel guilty about what I did just to survive!”
I walk away from one of the few men I trust implicitly and head into the family room to give everyone a hug and kiss before I walk out. It isn’t until I’m about to get into my car that I’m whipped around and handed an envelope.
“You need to read this,” Ben says, and walks back into my sister’s house.