ELI
I have to get some fucking control!
I slumped against the shower tile, the powerful jets from the shower pounding against my back. The proof that I’d just jacked off again and found release was circling the drain, and then disappearing like my orgasm had never happened.
And for the most part, it didn’t matter, because my dick didn’t feel better. I didn’t feel any damn better.
Getting myself off wasn’t helping anymore.
I wanted one thing, and one thing only.
Jade.
Goddammit!
My dick wasn’t settling for easy imitations anymore.
I grabbed a bottle of shampoo and roughly worked at soaping up my hair, irritated that I didn’t have enough discipline to keep my hands off her.
She was just cleared to go back to regular activity.
But that didn’t mean she could put a ton of stress on her shoulder. She was very limited as far as how much stress and how much weight she could handle. And it wasn’t much.
During her recovery, my lunatic desire had taken a break. I’d been too damn worried about making sure that she didn’t having any lasting effects from her fall.
The bruises, scrapes, and lacerations on her face were pretty much healed, but the accident itself was the subject of almost every one of my nightmares.
This shit has to stop!
I’d caused her fall because of my fear that something was going to happen to her, and I was no damn good for Jade. I’d caused her too much pain already, and I wasn’t willing to risk having it happen again because I couldn’t control my instincts when I was around her.
I was fucked up, and I knew it. And for reasons that had nothing to do with her.
I fucking hurt her! I could have killed her because of my insane desire to protect her.
I’d been convincing myself for two weeks that she was better off without me, and I was almost persuaded that I was right.
Kissing her had been a compulsion I hadn’t been able to resist.
But I was absolutely not doing it again.
My guilt over her fall had nearly killed me, and I honestly wasn’t certain that I could go through that again.
The pain.
The terror.
The paralyzing remorse.
Every emotion had eaten me alive while she’d been recovering.
My nightmares had been real, and I never slept after I’d had one. I was too damn agitated to go back to sleep.
I rinsed myself, slammed the shower off, and got out to dry myself.
I cared too damn much, and I was no longer willing to deny it. And that made Jade a danger to my sanity.
If I fuck her, I’m done.
As hard as it was going to be, I had to cut her out of my life.
I’d get over her.
And she’d be safe because I wouldn’t be there to screw up her life.
If she was no longer around, she’d fade away and eventually just be a distant memory.
My chest ached, and I felt empty. In a matter of weeks, Jade Sinclair had turned my whole world upside down.
I needed it upright again.
I had to sleep. I had to eat. I had to not have a damn erection every single moment I spent with her.
My life was all about order and balance. I had too much responsibility not to maintain a cool head.
I tossed the used towel into the hamper and walked into my bedroom buck naked, knowing I didn’t have long to get ready for the gala.
My tux had already been hung on the door of the closet, so I reached inside a drawer to get a pair of boxer briefs.
As I pulled out the underwear, my eyes landed on a little red box that I’d put there soon after I’d brought Jade home from the hospital.
I wanted to just slam the drawer closed, but I couldn’t. So I picked up the box, and as I opened the lid, I felt my chest squeeze inside my sternum.
After the accident, I’d had a moment of temporary insanity and I’d bought the ring.
I’d thought I was ready to make a commitment because I hadn’t been able to imagine a life without her anymore.
The large diamond in a platinum setting was bright and fiery. It had reminded me of her.
I can’t do it. I can’t.
Nothing I felt about Jade was the slightest bit rational. I’d do something stupid again, and I’d hurt her. Yeah. Maybe I wouldn’t mean to, but there’s no coming back from death.
God knew that nobody understood that better than I did.
I wasn’t thinking about all the ramifications of a relationship when I bought this ring.
I slammed the lid closed.
“What in the hell was I thinking?” I muttered in a graveled voice.
I stuffed the box into the back of the drawer.
Not. Happening.
I was not going to marry her, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to stay around to make her life miserable.
I slammed the drawer closed.
Jade didn’t need a ring.
She needed a man who was always going to be there, somebody who wasn’t going to go bat-shit crazy if she so much as tore a fingernail.
That kind of behavior wasn’t normal.
It wasn’t healthy.
And it sure as hell wasn’t rational.
I need to get my control back.
I was also going to need some distance. It was the only thing that was going to help.
Jade wasn’t the type of woman any guy could walk away from easily.
She’s going back home tomorrow.
And damned if just the thought of not having her in my life all the time brought up an answering protest that I felt deep in my gut. In fact, it fucking hurt so bad I could barely breathe.
“Shit!” I rasped. “I’m so fucked.”
I walked into the bathroom to shave, trying desperately not to think about what was going to happen.
Because honestly, I had no idea how I was ever going to walk away from Jade.