WHENEVER I NEEDED it most, the sea was there to bring me peace.
Sam and I were going to look at a few houses with a realtor in an hour, but first I needed this. The tranquility. Just me, my thoughts, and the ocean.
After responding to Bryce’s last text, I silenced my phone and tucked it away in my back pocket. He was sweet to check in, to ask about my day at the salon, to express his excitement about our date tomorrow night. I smiled when I thought about what he had planned—the carnival. It would be fun to let loose and act like a kid again. God knew I needed that right now. I guessed Bryce did too. I was lucky to have him. He’d turned up just when I needed him most. He was the brightest light in what seemed like an ongoing thread of dark days. Unfortunately, even his light wasn’t bright enough to outshine the gloomy worries that plagued me.
I dug my toes in the sand and closed my eyes for what felt like hours. A warm breeze floated across my face and the wild strands of hair that had fallen from my ponytail tickled my skin. I swept them back with a heavy sigh, granting everything that troubled me the permission to run around haphazardly in my mind.
My mother wasn’t getting any better.
I still hadn’t heard from Memphis.
I was working more hours than I ever had in my life and still wasn’t making ends meet.
I hated living alone in that big house without my mother and had no idea when she’d be healthy enough to come home.
I was a twenty-six-year-old divorcee.
And as much as I thought I was over him, as much as I enjoyed what was blossoming between Bryce and me, I still missed Hunter.
Yeah, one could say my inner thoughts were a bit depressing. Between caring for Mom and working my ass off, it felt as if I was being pulled by my arms in opposite directions. A fierce grip that tugged without mercy to test how much I could withstand before I tore down the middle in two jagged pieces.
“Dramatic much?” I said aloud, disgusted with myself for being so weak-minded.
“I thought your imaginary friend took a hike after you met me? Or have you resorted to talking to yourself like a crazy lady?”
I looked over my shoulder at the sound of Sam’s voice, surprised once again that he snuck up on me when I was supposed to be alone. While I should have been startled, I was relieved. I loved that he knew to find me here and that he took it upon himself to figure out I needed him.
“How’d you know I was here?”
Sam let out a gravelly chuckle and plopped down beside me on the sand. “What, you think a little distance changes the fact I know you better than you know yourself, Monroe?” He kicked away a clumpy piece of seaweed and brushed the sand off his hands. “You didn’t answer my calls. I checked the house but when I saw your car was gone I knew where you’d be.”
“I could have been anywhere.”
The weight of Sam’s stare was evident without even glancing his way. “How many times have we come here together, London? It might be your place, but it’s also the same spot we’ve hashed out most of our shit over the years.”
This was true. Sam and I had spent many a night under the stars laughing, fighting, crying. “Yeah, I guess it’s as much your spot as it is mine.” I nudged my shoulder against his. While unexpected, his company was welcome. I was happy he was here. Much like the sea, he also knew how to bring me peace.
“What’s on your mind this time, or is that the stupidest question I’ve ever asked?”
I shrugged, unwilling to fault him but also reluctant to unleash. Again. Since he’d been home I’d done nothing but pile my shit storm of fears and anxieties in his lap. This afternoon was supposed to be about helping him find a place, not helping me get through another crisis.
I settled on a vague answer in hopes he would change the subject. “Same shit, different day.”
A comfortable silence permeated the air between us. I knew he was allowing me the moment of clarity, a beat to wallow before moving forward. I inhaled the salty air into my nose and then exhaled through my mouth as if to empty my turmoil with the last of my pent-up breath.
“I started the evaluation process and I made an appointment,” he blurted.
“For?”
“To be screened as a match for Ella.”
I swiveled in the sand to face him. Sam stared ahead, his jaw tense as he visibility clenched his teeth. “Sam! You didn’t have to . . . We were supposed to talk about this.”
“London.” His response was intended to mollify me, to show he was firm in his decision.
An array of irrational emotions engulfed my heart. They were as powerful as the tide, capable of pulling me under and drowning me until I perished. That he would do this was so selfless it fused my broken pieces back together again. That he did it without asking made me furious but relieved at the same time. Truth be told, I’d planned on asking him today. I’d made my decision, as well. I couldn’t wait another day to hear from Memphis knowing Sam was willing to help.
It was crazy how he always knew how I felt without being told. I was a phantom limb, an invisible continuation of his being. We were that close, even now that we were adults and life had gotten in the way.
Tears burned the back of my throat before they pricked my eyes. Without any force, they shed freely at the thought of the gift Sam could potentially offer my mother. And me. “Thank you, Sam. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
Smoldering green eyes met mine and he opened his arms, inviting me to settle against his chest. “You don’t have to worry about what you’d do without me. You should know by now that I’ll always be here for you.”
He’d said it a million times before and not once had he broken that promise.
I cried a mixture of grateful tears and painful sobs in the comfort of his arms. I was thankful in so many ways for everything he’d done for me in the past and what he was willing to do to provide me with a happy future.
My best friend’s better than yours. I wanted to tattoo that on my chest for the world to see. Or at least put it on a T-shirt. I would wear it proudly and gloat for all of eternity. There was nothing I was more sure of, nothing more true.
“You better not be snotting up my shirt. We have a realtor to meet in like half an hour.” Leave it to Sam to save the day, bring me to tears, and get me to laugh, all in a matter of minutes.
I giggled against his chest and purposely dragged my nose across his polo shirt, pretending to leave a trail of boogers on the clean blue cotton. When I backed away, I sniffed for good measure and flashed an impish grin. “Snotty McSnots, at your service.”
“For such a pretty girl you sure are gross.” He looked down at his shirt in disgust, smiling when he realized I was only playing.
“See, you’re fine. Unscathed and impeccable as always.” I reached over to tug on his misshapen collar to stiffen it back into place.
Familiar hands encircled my wrists. The sudden skin-on-skin warmth made me pause, a bundle of heady feelings lodged in my throat.
Sam was the kind of guy who often spoke without words. His expressive eyes did all the talking. I knew by the way he fixed them on me so intently that he was about to ask if I was okay, if there was anything he could do to make things right. I should have interrupted and insisted he stop babying me, but a tiny, insecure piece of the broken girl who lingered inside me wanted to hear him actually say the words. I needed to hear I was cared for even though I already knew I was.
Swallowing hard, he kept a firm grip on my now flaccid wrists and voiced the words his eyes had already spoken for him. “Seriously, London. How do I know you’re really okay? You’ve been through a lot all at once. I know you came here because you’re overwhelmed. What can I do?”
Fluttering lids cloaked my eyes. I used the moment of darkness to appreciate the heightened nature of my other senses. The ocean crashed against the shore in a renewing rhythm. The waves fizzled when they broke and then rolled away in a calming song. The briny sea air wafted around us, mixed with the aroma of Sam’s signature scent of cinnamon chewing gum and citrusy cologne. My skin prickled with goose bumps, both from the cool, misty breeze gliding off the ocean and the closeness of my most treasured friend.
When I opened my eyes, Sam’s were now closed. I ogled his flawless features, admired his kind beauty. I wondered what he might be thinking. Had the ocean served as a baptism for his worries too? Was his brain muddled with unsettling thoughts about life and what came next? Or was he worried about me, as always, selflessly tangled in my troubles as if they were his own.
I hated to disturb his quiet contemplation, but I couldn’t bear the notion that he might have something on his mind that I’d been too blind to see. “I’m good, Sam. Because of you, I’m good. But what about you? You sure you’re all right?”
“Me?” His eyes flew open, his hands dropping to the sand. “I’m perfectly fine. I’m also homeless, but we’re about to fix that, so, yeah, all’s good in the hood.”
I had no choice but to believe him. No reason not to. Pressing further would only irritate him and I didn’t feel much like dealing with grumpy Sam for the rest of the afternoon. I pursed my lips while leaning forward in search of his hands. Lacing our sandy fingers together atop the cold, damp grains, I latched on and squeezed tight. “Are you sure you’re ready to donate a kidney? It’s a lot to ask of someone who’s not . . .” I looked away, unable to finish my sentence because it wasn’t true. Sam was more my family than anyone else ever could be. We didn’t need blood to prove our bond. Our connection, our loyalty, ran thicker and more potent than shared DNA.
“Don’t even go there,” he warned. “Ella’s like a second mother to me. You’re like . . . Do you even know what you mean to me? I fucking love you, London.”
“And I love you just as much.” I didn’t hesitate. It was truer than true. We didn’t throw those three words around as if they meant nothing; we didn’t use them often, either. The kind of love we had for each other was simply understood. Hearing him tell me that and then repeating it back to him, it was a moment that would be forever branded on my heart.
As quickly as the memory was created, however, Sam brought me back to reality with a throaty chuckle. “Good. Now, that that’s settled, let’s go find me my dream home.” His nod was sharp but then he did something that took my breath away even more so than hearing his I love you.
Sand-dusted hands cradled both sides of my face. He pulled me toward him and gently kissed the top of my head. His lips lingered, his deep intake of breath telling me he was savoring our moment. The entire exchange was extremely intimate, but not at all strange. He’d shown his affection in this manner before. But this gesture had always been reserved for special times or solemn circumstances. I guess it was appropriate because I hadn’t felt this close to him in a long time. It wasn’t every day someone offered to save your mother’s life by risking their own. I couldn’t imagine any other scenario that would unite us the way this would. I also couldn’t envision a night more perfect than this.
“Sam?” I whispered, resting my head on his shoulder.
“Mmm hmm?” he hummed with his hand at the base of my back.
“Let’s stay a few minutes longer. The realtor can wait.”
“Yeah, fuck the realtor. I didn’t like her all that much anyway.”