I took her to the top of town again. I parked my truck so we could sit in the bed and look at the town. But if she got too cold, I’d turn it around so we could sit in the truck with the heat on.

There were pieces of my life that I would rather have left behind. But that’s not how it all worked. The night I saw Jordyn crying in her son’s room, it was like someone found that old box of memories and kicked it open.

“Are you too cold?” I asked her as she sat, huddle up tight as we sat next to each other.

“Nope,” she said. “I’m fine.”

My feet touched the ground. Hers just dangled off the back of my truck.

“I told you my brother was down there,” I said. “In the cemetery.”

Jordyn looked at me and nodded. “Yeah. You mentioned it.”

I looked down at the town.

“We always floated along in life, darling,” I said. “My family. It was the four of us. My father was a closet drunk who lost job after job, but he loved us. At least I tell myself that’s how it went. My mother tried to cover everything up with fake smiles and everything else fake. Everything was always fake. Except with Brian.”

“That’s your brother?”

“Yeah.”

“The initials you have tattooed on you…”

I smirked. “You saw that, huh?”

“I think I saw a lot more than that,” Jordyn said.

I loved the way she looked right there in that moment. The hood of her hoodie resting outside the top of her jacket. Bundled up tight, her hair bunched up and messy. But she looked beautiful.

“He was my little brother,” I said. “By a few years. He was a pain in the ass, to be honest. In some messed up way, my parents dumped him off on me. They weren’t planning on having another kid, but there he was. My mother really started to slip away from us. She wouldn’t drink, but she would just get really dark and lonely.”

“And your father?”

“Trying to find work. But that’s hard to do when you have booze on your breath.”

“Damn, Rams, I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, well, that’s life. We lived here in this town only because of Uncle Tom and Aunt Millie. Uncle Tom and my father are brothers. I remember being really young and working in the office. Or going to a site with Uncle Tom and playing with a shovel. I tried to take care of Brian. I wanted to work and make money and buy a house for me and him. Uncle Tom wouldn’t hire me.”

“Why not?”

“I was a kid,” I said. “But I found other ways to work. Not good ways, Jordyn. I would steal stuff and sell it. Stupid stuff. A kid that didn’t understand anything about life. Brian got older and so did I. My attention turned to girls…”

“Big shock,” Jordyn said.

“… his attention was on toys. When he started to realize who our parents were, it was hard to watch him make the connections. Then my mother decided to leave. She packed one bag and left one note for all of us. And she was gone.”

I rubbed my jaw.

I was the one who found the note in the morning. I read it a bunch of times, wondering what to do. I decided to throw it out and let everyone think she was kidnapped or something. That would have hurt, but at least there wouldn’t have been the feeling of emptiness from being abandoned. Only I took too long to decide, and my father came into the kitchen and saw the letter.

“That set my father off on a wild path,” I said. “He was worse than ever. I managed to get a real job at a restaurant, helping the owner on the side. It was illegal, but we needed the money. I was at work one night, carrying cases of soda and beer from this small and damp basement. Washing dishes. Scrubbing the bathrooms. Anything to make a few bucks. That’s when…”

I paused, and I jumped from the truck.

I walked forward a little bit and didn’t feel like finishing the damn story.

“How did it happen?” Jordyn asked.

She didn’t chase me down. She didn’t grab my arm and turn me around and force me to look at her. She just sat there, waiting for me.

“My father got loaded and got sick. Brian got scared and came to get me. He didn’t know the number of the restaurant. He was running, in the dark, alone. He cut between two cars into the street, not thinking about looking.”

“Oh, no,” Jordyn said, slowly covering her mouth.

“Yeah,” I said. “I was over in Landsly. Which is a decent thirty-minute walk. I had no idea what Brian was thinking. Just like that, it was all over. He was gone. My mother didn’t even come back for the funeral. As far as I know, she said and did nothing. I don’t even know if she knows or if she’s even alive.”

“What happened to your father?”

“He tried to get help but couldn’t figure it out. He died in a car accident a year or so later. The only good thing about it was that he hit a tree and not someone else’s vehicle. That’s when I was on my own. That’s why I kept changing schools, Jordyn. I went wherever my parents went. After Brian died, I had nowhere to release the anger. Then I was thrown into the street and never wanted to leave it. I was going to be put into the foster care system. That’s when Aunt Millie stepped in and said no. Uncle Tom was heartbroken over Brian. And his brother. But I think in some way he always knew my father was destined for that kind of life. He offered him a job all the time, but my father was too bitter and jealous to take it. When they took me in, I wanted nothing to do with them. I stayed out late. I caused trouble. I slept in the cemetery here to be close to Brian. I could never forgive myself for what happened to him.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Jordyn said.

“I was the one in charge of him.”

“You were his brother.”

“I was the one who made him dinner, Jordyn. I made sure he showered. I taught him how to wipe his ass. Okay?”

“Okay, Rams. Sorry.”

“I pushed back so hard on Aunt Millie and Uncle Tom. Only to find out I almost ruined their marriage.”

“You heard what your aunt said…”

I shook my head. “It was me, darling. Yeah, Uncle Tom had a bad back. He was grieving his nephew and brother, sure. But it was me. There wasn’t a week where I wasn’t getting in trouble somehow. In school. The cops bringing me home. Me leaving and not coming back for days at a time. Because I didn’t know what to do with my anger over Brian.”

Jordyn slid from the back of my truck and started to approach me. “I never knew that about you, Rams. I remember you always coming and going. That you were rumored to be in trouble all the time. Like serious trouble.”

“I wasn’t some fake asshole throwing punches to look cool,” I said, taking a direct shot at Jordyn’s ex.

“Why are you telling me all of this?”

“Because I wanted you to know. I was close to losing myself for good. Then Uncle Tom hurt his back again and this time it was really bad. He needed surgery and he almost had to shut down the company. I remember, one night, finding Aunt Millie crying. She never cries. Ever. Seeing her scared woke my ass up. That’s when I started working for Uncle Tom and taking things seriously. I also met someone around that time. And it was just one of those things… fast and wild.”

“I know that,” Jordyn said. “Believe me, I know that.”

“That’s why I’m talking to you, darling.”

I stared at her, not finishing the entire story just yet.

The part where it got really messy and confusing. Where parts of my life were predetermined and planned out. And I went with it as far as I could. I went too far with it.

I went right up until the day of my wedding before deciding what I really wanted.

* * *

“I have no idea what you’re going through,” I said to Jordyn as we sat in my truck, working our way down the steep back part of the cemetery. “But I understand how you feel. If that makes sense.”

“It doesn’t,” I said.

“You protect Sam the way I tried to protect Brian. You don’t want your son to get exposed to any pain. You know in your heart and mind that he’s going to have a lot of rough years coming up, and you want to find a way to cover it all up.”

“That’s actually pretty accurate, Rams,” she said. She touched the corners of her eyes.

“What happened?”

She took a shaky breath. “It just fell apart. That’s what I tell people. But the truth?” She looked at me, her eyes glossy in the soft glow of the lights on the dashboard of my truck. “It was never actually put together. It was sort of for show. We got to a point where it was expected. Because we were together in high school. So, everyone thought it was so amazing we managed to be together. I was just kind of there with it all. His bad habits from being a teenager kept going into adulthood. Before I knew it, I had Sam and Keith was an even bigger mess.” She sighed. “But I can’t sit here and do that. I can’t destroy him.”

“Why not, darling? It’s just me.”

“He’s Sam’s father,” she said. “I can’t take that back. Whether he sees Sam twice a month or twice a day or twice a year, that’s his father. I try so hard to respect that.”

I reached for her hand and shook my head. “That’s why I like being near you, Jordyn. For what you just said. How strong you are. How amazing you are.”

She twisted her hand to break free from mine. “But that causes problems, Rams. What we’re doing right now is fun. Anything more and…”

“Darling, I’m not asking for anything more.”

“How long does that last?”

I couldn’t answer that.

“That’s my point,” she whispered.

“I like being near you, Jordyn.”

“I like being near you, Rams. That’s what scares me.”

“What scares you?”

“My thoughts.”

“And what are your thoughts telling you right now?”

“Trust you with something I’ve never trusted anyone else with.”

“Meaning what?”

“Meaning, I wouldn’t mind if you met Sam.”

The words hit me, and I felt every muscle in my body stiffen.

Meeting her son would take what we were doing to another level.

I drove her back to her car, got out of my truck and walked her to her car. I opened the door for her and blocked her from getting in.

I touched her face with my right hand. My thumb stroking her cheek as softly as a painter making a wisp of a cloud on a canvas.

“What I know and what I feel sometimes battle each other,” I said. “That’s why I left that night. That’s why I called you the way I did the next day.”

“Meaning what, Rams?”

“Meaning if I stayed and saw you again, I’d start that wild ride of falling for you, Jordyn.”

She swallowed hard. “Yeah… well…”

I leaned in and helped myself to a goodnight kiss. But I also wanted to steal what she was going to say.

I moved out of the way and let her get into her car.

But I didn’t let her shut the door.

“Darling, what you said means a lot to me.”

“If what I said is too much…”

“No,” I said. “You let me know when.”

“When…?”

“When I get to meet the guy that has your heart all wrapped up tight…”