Desolation.

Hollowness.

Empty. Mekena just felt empty.

As the rain pelted the umbrella Markus held, Mekena leaned into him, her tears falling down her face as fast as the drops did from the sky. It figured it would rain on the day of Skylar’s funeral. It was like the world was crying for the girl who was lost due to poor choices and drug abuse. Beside her, her mother was crying so hard it physically hurt Mekena. Her father was stone-faced, strong for her mother as the minister said words. Mekena had no clue what he was saying because she wasn’t listening.

She was trying to keep it together.

And boy, was it hard.

Markus’s hand snaked around her waist, holding her in close as his lips pressed into her temple. Avery and Jace were behind her, Avery’s hand in hers from one row back. It was just a simple little movement, but it meant the world to Mekena. Avery’s gesture wasn’t the only one that meant everything to Mekena, though; it was all the people who showed up. Claire had flown in, even with everything that was going on with Jude. He had been traded to Minnesota and they weren’t even settled, but she came. Jayden and Baylor had come and Lucy and Benji, along with Autumn and River. Even Markus’s parents had shown up, and that blew her away.

But it was hard to be thankful when, inside, she was dying. As she looked at the urn that held Skylar’s body, her lips trembled while her heart broke. This was real; Skylar was gone, and all Mekena could do was try to take each breath slowly, one after another. She hadn’t thought this through. She hadn’t realized how much this would hurt. But really, why would she have ever thought to consider what she would feel if she lost her sister? That wasn’t something people thought about. They thought of happy shit, not life-altering, sad shit, but that was Mekena’s situation, experiencing the pure shit of life.

She hated it all. Glaring at her sister’s urn, she shook her head. She didn’t understand why they had to cremate her. Yeah, she was broken and they wouldn’t have been able to have an open casket, but why were they burying it? Why didn’t they just bring it home, keep it at the house? Why did she even care? Why was every single feeling eating her alive?

When Markus’s lips pressed into her temple, she closed her eyes, thankful for him. He had stood beside her as Skylar died, and it hadn’t been a quick process. They watched her, listening to her slowing heartbeat for three hours before the beeping stopped and they were met by only a long beep that the doctor had to come in and shut off. As Mekena had cried from her soul, he’d held her and continued to do so through the night and for the last three days. He cooked for her and her parents, helped pack up Skylar’s things, and even mowed the lawn for her dad when he couldn’t get out of bed.

But most of all, he was there. She couldn’t thank him enough for that. No matter what, he knew she could look over and he’d be there. It was an extremely overwhelming feeling of comfort, and she couldn’t help but love him a little more for it. She didn’t deserve such adoration from the man who was hurt by the very person who had passed.

But Markus only cared for her, not the past.

As the rain picked up, the sounds surrounding her were weighing her down. People were crying, her mother was a howling mess, and her father kept choking on something, maybe his sobs, she wasn’t sure. But it was all too much to take. Mekena wanted to leave. She wanted to get in bed and not move. She wanted to fall into a hole because, damn it, she blamed herself.

The more she thought about it, the more she knew she’d failed Skylar. She should have been there. She should have helped her, seen the warning signs, the cry for help, and been there. Instead, she blew her off, cut her out, and ran. She ran from her problems—from Markus, from Skylar—and what did that get her? Two years of loneliness, anger, and heartache toward Markus and hatred for her sister. As much as she wanted to believe Skylar heard her words in the hospital, she knew she hadn’t. She was already gone and would never know that Mekena had forgiven the girl who had been her sister. Mekena couldn’t even remember the last thing she’d said to Skylar. Was it that she hated her? Had she even told her she loved her in the last year or so?

Lord, what had she done?

As her vision clouded, she shook her head, unable to take it anymore.

“I want to go home,” Mekena whispered, and Markus looked down, his eyes full of concern as he stared into her flooded ones.

“Are you okay?”

“No, I want to leave.”

“Baby, it’s not over.”

“I don’t care. I want to go home.”

Markus looked around to the minister then her parents before looking back to her. “Can you hang out ten more minutes? It’s almost over, surely.”

“No,” she said, her lip quivering, her pain eating her alive. “I can’t. You stay, I’ll go wait in the car.”

He shook his head. “No, come on,” he said, and then he turned with her as Avery’s eyes widened in apprehension and confusion.

“I’m sorry, I can’t,” Mekena said as she passed them, and Avery squeezed her hand.

“I’ll call you.”

She nodded a thanks as she passed by, her face in Markus’s chest as they walked by the group of people there to mourn her sister. She felt everyone staring at her, she was pretty sure her mother had called her name, but she didn’t care. She had to get out of there.

Before the nothingness ate her alive.

 

 

Staring at the spot on the wall where her favorite picture of her and Markus hung, Mekena let out a deep breath as she could feel her heart ache. It was three in the morning, and she couldn’t sleep. It had been that way since Skylar passed. Every time she fell asleep, she saw Skylar, reaching out for her, asking her to help. But Mekena couldn’t catch her, couldn’t help her, and then she appeared as she did in that hospital bed. Bruised, broken, and unrecognizable. The druggie that had killed her sister.

Her beautiful, vibrant sister.

Closing her eyes firmly, she begged for sleep, but it never came. Each time she opened her eyes, the time taunted her. The little red numbers on the clock moving so slowly to change. Beside her, Markus slept, and she was thankful for that. Thankful for the silence. He was a godsend, he was, but he was suffocating her just like everyone else. Avery was texting every hour, it seemed. Her mother was a mess and reaching out for support, but Mekena just couldn’t give it. She was drowning in her own feelings. She even had Markus’s family reaching out, and she couldn’t even handle them. She needed to deal with her feelings. She needed to find her footing, but it was hard when he was right up underneath her asking if she was okay and needed anything.

She wasn’t okay. She wanted her sister back.

Not the drug addict, but her sister. The one she used to talk about boys with. The one who taught her how to be a girl and who was the person Mekena wished she could be. She had wished, prayed even, to have long legs like Skylar, to be able to dance like her, to be as beautiful as she was, but it never happened. Instead, she watched her sister get any guy she wanted and sleep around for fun. The latter part wasn’t Mekena’s cup of tea, but it was freeing to think that she could do that.

Though, she couldn’t—nor would she.

It wasn’t who Mekena was, but it was who Skylar was. And instead of judging her for it, she loved her older sister. But then Skylar changed. She turned into this person who was sleeping with different guys all the time. Who really didn’t care about dance or school, only about fucking around and, Mekena guessed, getting high.

She wasn’t sure what happened, but her sister just changed. Was it because Mekena was so consumed by Markus that she didn’t have time for Skylar anymore? Didn’t need her? Started ignoring her calls because she was with him? Was it her fault? Because her sister broke her heart by going after the man Mekena loved. Who did that but sick people who needed help? Maybe that was her cry for help. Rather than pushing her away, why didn’t Mekena talk it out, figure out what Skylar was thinking? Why did she just run and turn her back on everyone? She had a duty as a sister to be there, and instead, she fled and then ignored her sister when she learned the truth.

As Mekena’s lips quivered, her tears started to fall before she squeezed her eyes shut tightly, letting out a sob that shook her soul. It wasn’t fair. None of it was fair. Why was the world so cruel? Why couldn’t Skylar just tell her she was upset or that she needed her? Why did she have to hurt her? Why did she have to hurt Markus?

“Baby?”

Shaking her head, she rubbed her face as she swallowed hard. “Yeah.”

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

She closed her eyes and hated how mad it made her that he asked that. Didn’t he know what was wrong? Didn’t he know she wasn’t fucking okay? Why was he asking such stupid questions? And why was she getting so mad? How did she not have control of her feelings? She felt like an old abandoned house, ready to crumble at a moments’ notice. The caution tape that used to surround her and that she thought she’d had torn away with Markus’s love had returned, and she wasn’t sure it was strong enough to hold her together anymore.

She was a fucking mess.

“Mekena?”

“What, Markus?” she snapped, and then she pressed her lips together. It wasn’t his fault. He was only concerned. He just loved her, she tried to remind herself.

“Baby,” he said, reaching out to cup her elbow, but she pushed his hand away.

“Not now.”

“Mekena, talk to me.”

“I don’t want to. I want to sit here and cry.”

“Okay,” he said, coming up behind her, spooning her, but she moved away.

“I don’t want to be touched. Please.”

He didn’t say anything for a moment, but she could hear his breathing coming out harder and feel his eyes locked on her. She couldn’t handle it, though. She needed to be alone to deal with what she was feeling. But what she was feeling was pure and absolutely torture. She had let Skylar down. She had failed her. Mekena was the reason she was dead. Sisters were supposed to be there for each other, and Mekena hadn’t been.

Instead, she was there for Markus.

She was completely engrossed in Markus and only cared about him while her sister essentially killed herself.

“Did I do something?”

Fuck. Sitting up, she threw her hands down against the bed as a sob ripped from her soul. “No, Markus, this isn’t about you. Fuck, it’s about me! You don’t know what I’m feeling, you don’t know this pain that is eating me alive! I’m fucking dying here.”

Sitting up, he watched her cautiously as he nodded, holding his hands out. “I understand that, which is why I’m asking if I can do something.”

“Can you bring her back?”

He shook his head sadly. “No.”

“Then there is nothing you can fucking do.”

“Let’s talk. What are you feeling?”

“I don’t want a fucking therapist right now, Markus. I want my sister back and alive and not on drugs. I want to go back to the moment she did what she did and reach out to her, try to see her reasoning and—”

“Her reasoning?” he asked, and she let her hands drop. “Her reasoning for trying to rape me? There is reasoning for that?”

“No…yes…ugh, I don’t know. I just feel like that was a cry for help, and all I did was get mad and run. I didn’t listen, I didn’t try to help, I just ran. And because of that, my sister is dead.”

“This isn’t your fault, Mekena. This is hers. She’s the one who did this.”

“But I could have stopped her. If I wasn’t so in love with you and so caught up in the fact that both of you broke my heart, maybe I would have seen it. I could have helped!”

“So you blame me?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You did in so many words.”

“Don’t put words in my fucking mouth!”

He looked away, and she closed her eyes. She hadn’t meant to say that. Hadn’t meant to sound so bitchy, but the words were out there, and she had hurt him. Damn it.

Shaking his head, he tried to reach out to her, but she moved away. “Mekena, why can’t I touch you? What did I do?”

“I don’t know, I just don’t want to be fucking touched. I want to be alone.”

“I can’t do that,” he said. And in the bright moonlight, she could see that he looked as if she had slapped him. “I want to be here for you.”

“Don’t be! Go somewhere else. I don’t want you here.”

Looking down, he chewed on his lip as he shook his head. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Then I’ll fucking leave,” she yelled, kicking the blankets off her. “I need to clear my head, I need to fucking breathe, and I can’t with you here.”

Before she could get anywhere, though, he stopped her, bringing her back down onto the bed before towering over her. “No, stay. I’ll go. I won’t be able to think straight if I know you’re out there, just wandering. If you need to be alone, fine, I’ll go. But please don’t leave.”

Rolling her eyes, she glared up at him. “You’re not my dad, Markus. You’re my boyfriend. I don’t need you telling me what to do.”

“I’m not telling you what to do. I’m asking you to save us both the heartache in the end and just chill out here. You need your space? Fine. I’m good with that. I’ll give it to you.”

As he stood up, she looked down at her feet while her tears rained onto her legs. He moved around, grabbing a pair of shorts and then a shirt before he came back to the bed. She allowed him to touch her cheek before he kissed the top of her head. “I’m here for you, Mekena.”

“I know.”

“Okay,” he said, walking out of the room. When she heard the door shut, she fell back on the bed, a sob leaving her lips.

What the fuck was she doing?

She was pushing him away, just as Skylar pushed everyone else away.

And if she didn’t get it together, she was going to end up like Skylar.

Alone and dead.

 

 

Running his hands down his face, Markus went out into their living room and looked out the windows that showed the Nashville skyline sparkling in the night sky. He wasn’t sure what had just happened in that bedroom, but one thing was certain—his heart sure took a beating. Closing his eyes, he leaned against the window and let out a heavy sigh. He hated hearing her so broken, so upset. But what broke him the most was the fact that she wouldn’t take the help he so desperately wanted to give her.

He wanted to make it better.

He wanted to help her.

But she was pushing him away, and he didn’t understand that.

They said they were in this together, so why was she trying to do this alone? Yeah, he didn’t understand what she was going through, nor did he truly need to. But at least she could use him. Lean on him, let him be her rock. Instead, she wallowed in her guilt. And the thing was, it wasn’t even her fucking fault. God, he hated Skylar. He forgave her, that wasn’t the problem, but he hated the pain and loss she had inflicted on the people who loved her. He was sure Linda and Stan were doing the same thing Mekena was doing, blaming themselves, when this was all Skylar’s doing.

He didn’t understand how Mekena could try to blame him or try to give reason to her sister’s actions. Yeah, they were in love. Yeah, they were totally obsessed with each other. But that was how it was when you first dated someone. You wanted to know everything. You wanted to feel their touch, their kiss. They’d been guilty of it, but it wasn’t their fault Skylar was a jealous bitch and wanted her sister to herself. That was the root of it, and it angered Markus that the love of his life was in their bedroom, crying over some selfish bitch who didn’t have anyone’s best interest at heart but her own.

It just wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair.

But what killed him the most was that he felt like she regretted their relationship.

That was what had him on the brink of tears, holding on to the wall as he tried to figure out his next move. Should he go back in there, make her see reason, fight for them? Or should he give her the space and let her decide what she wanted, praying to God it was him. He didn’t want to do life without her. He had tried that. It didn’t work. He wanted her. All of her. But he wouldn’t force her to love him. He always suspected she was too young to love only him in her lifetime, but were those his insecurities getting to him? Were her words really fucking with him that badly?

Covering his face, he let out a groan, unsure what to do. He could hear her crying, sobbing, and it was killing him. When Mr. Right wove in and out of his legs, meowing loudly, he looked down, knowing his buddy was worried about Mekena too. Bending down, he picked up the cat and cuddled him into his chest. As much as she said she wanted him to leave, he couldn’t will his feet to do so. Plus, where would he go? It was well past four in the morning, and he wouldn’t wake his best friends. No, he had to fix this.

He had to fix her.

But how?

Kissing the top of Mr. Right’s head, he put him down and he scurried away. He was worried not only for Mekena but Mr. Right too. Since Skylar died, he hadn’t been eating, and Markus knew it was because the cat was feeding off Mekena’s grief. It was good for his weight, but Markus was sure it wasn’t good for the furry guy’s overall health. Falling down onto the couch, he looked out into the darkness of Nashville and sighed. He felt lost. He felt like he couldn’t do anything right, and he didn’t like that feeling. Her cries were smothering him. He almost left. He almost got up and let her be, but something told him he couldn’t. Was it the promise he had made to Skylar?

The promise that he would never give up on Mekena.

That he would love her for the rest of his existence?

He wasn’t sure how, but he had to clear his head. He found himself standing and walking to the sound system he had installed a few days before Skylar passed. He hit play to find that Mekena had been listening to Shawn Mendes last. As the singer’s voice filled the room, Markus felt like the song was speaking to him. That fate had put it on just for that moment to give him guidance, to give him a plan. As “Never Be Alone” played, he felt it in his bones because it was how he felt about Mekena.

Leaning into the radio, he closed his eyes as he listened to the words, letting them feed his soul. It was like he was being recharged, reminding him how much he loved that girl who lay in that bedroom, broken. He was going to put her back together. He didn’t care what he had to do, what she said. He was going to make things better for her. He was going to love her enough for both of them.

Before he could, though, he jumped at the feel of a pair of arms coming around his waist. When he realized it was Mekena, he froze as she cried into his back.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered, her sobs shaking his own body. “I’m trying to push you away, and I don’t know why. I’m just hurting.”

“I know,” he said, covering her hands with his. “I hate it. I do.”

“Me too,” she cried, soaking his back with her tears. Turning in her arms, he looked down at her as she blinked away her tears, the drops falling from her dark lashes. Her sweet hazel eyes were filled with such pain, and he wished he could take it all and make it disappear. Just to give her some relief. “I just don’t know what to do, and I hate fighting with you. I’m just so fucking mad, and I don’t know how to handle these feelings, this pain. I took it out on you, and I didn’t mean to.”

His heart ached as he held her lovely round face in his hands, his thumbs grazing her cheeks. “Baby, I know we’ll have our disagreements, that’s inevitable. We’ll fight for no damn reason because, let’s be honest, I’m too goofy and you’re too smart. But, Mekena, I knew from the first day I met you I wouldn’t let you slip away. So, yeah, yell at me, scream, tell me you hate me, but don’t push me away. I’m here because I love you, because I believe in us, and I’m not going anywhere without a fight.”

Her little lip quivered as she nodded. “Don’t leave. Please don’t leave.”

He smiled gently. “Mekena, I wasn’t going anywhere unless you were going with me.”

She couldn’t stop her tears as she gasped for breath. “Why am I blaming myself? Why does it hurt so bad?”

“Because you want a reason for this. And, Mekena, I’m sorry there isn’t one except that she was sick and turned to a substance instead of her family.”

“Why, though? Was it my fault? Did I push her away?”

“No, baby, you grew up. You didn’t need her anymore, and I really think that’s why she did it.”

“Could I have stopped her?” she asked, her eyes begging for an answer. But Markus didn’t have one.

Shrugging, he said, “I don’t know, but honestly, I really don’t think so.”

Letting out a loud sob, she crumpled against him as she nodded. “I don’t think so either. She was so headstrong, always right, while I was just the dorky little sister who didn’t know better.”

“But now you’re the hot, beautiful, smart woman that I love more than I could have ever imagined. This is in no way, shape, or form your fault, my love. It really isn’t.”

Chewing on her lip, she held his gaze as she hiccupped a sob. “Why don’t I know that?”

“Because you want a reason for losing her. You want to blame someone. But Mekena, it’s no one’s fault but her own. I don’t think you wanted the druggie to win, I think you thought your sister would win. But, baby, she didn’t, and I’m so incredibly sorry. If I could, I’d go find her and bring her back for you.”

Crying out, she clung to him and he let her. She dug her face into the middle of his chest, and he closed his eyes, praying for her pain to stop. He didn’t care what havoc she caused, as long as she felt better. “It just isn’t fair. I hate what she has done. I hate that she hurt us. I’m so fucking mad.”

“I know, baby. I know. I’m so sorry.”

As she cried, he held her, unsure what else to say. He had said everything he could. But damn it, he’d repeat it over and over again to help. To take some of the pain away.

As she hiccupped, she whispered, “I left the funeral.”

He nodded. He had hoped she wouldn’t regret that, but it was obvious she did. Looking deep into her eyes, he ran his thumbs along her lips. “And that’s okay. You said your good-byes. No one said you had to stay.”

“My mom is mad, and your parents are concerned since I didn’t say bye—”

“None of that matters. They’ll be okay. We have to worry about you. We have to build you back up.”

She swallowed hard. “I just feel empty.”

Wrapping his arms around her, he held her close as his lips dusted hers. “Then let me fix that. Let me love you until you’re full again. Just don’t push me away.”

She closed her eyes, and her lips trembled and jerked as she leaned into him. He hated how much pain she was in, and it was honestly breaking his heart. He didn’t know what to do; he didn’t know how to make it better. He just prayed his love was enough to make it seem at least a little bit brighter. Inhaling deeply, he pressed his lips to her cheek as she cried. He figured that maybe he didn’t have the answers, but he’d always have his undying love for her.

He just hoped that was enough.

“Markus?”

Smiling against her temple, he kissed her and whispered, “Yeah, baby?”

“I’m such a mess.”

His lips quirked as he nodded. “A beautiful mess.”

“Yeah, but even though I’m a mess, please stay,” she whispered, her lips ghosting across his cheek. “No matter how hard it is to stay with me, just stay please, because I need you.”

Smiling, he pulled back and shook his head. “I’m not going anywhere, but you don’t need me.”

“You’re right, I want you.”

“And that’s enough to keep me from ever leaving.”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me, just love me.”

“Done.”

Gathering her in his arms, he held her tightly as he kissed her temple and whispered, “Oh, how I love you, Mekena.”

“Nowhere near as much as I love you, Markus.”

That was debatable for sure, but he figured they could settle that later.

They had their whole lives to do so.