Ethan

 

 

 

 

 

“I STILL DON’T KNOW WHY WE had to drive all the way there,” I say, scrolling through the music that Sam has on his phone. “Flying would have gotten us there in no time at all.”

“It will be fun,” Sam says, smiling. “We haven’t taken a road trip like this since we went to Vegas with El.”

“And the car ride there was awful.”

“You slept most of the way,” he says.

“Yeah,” I say, “but the time that I spent awake was awful.”

“I can’t believe we are seeing them,” he says.

“You’ve already seen them like four times.”

“I know,” he says, “but it’s still exciting as shit.”

“I’m excited, too,” I say. “I’ve never been to a concert before.”

Sam tilts his head towards me, raises his eyebrows and says, “What?”

“Nope,” I say, “not one.”

“But you live in Chicago?” he says.

“I’ve just never liked a band enough to go,” I say. “When I was in college, I was so poor that I couldn’t go and I got with you-know-who right out of college and he wouldn’t let me do anything and since then, I just haven’t went.”

“Well,” he says, “I’m glad you get to spend your first time with your best friend.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” I say, laughing. “Is the hotel decent?”

“Yeah,” he says. “It’s close to the civic center. I’ve stayed there before.”

“What else are we going to do this weekend?”

“We can do whatever, really. It’s up to you.”

“I’ve never even been to Columbus.”

“Have you ever traveled outside of Chicago, Ethan?”

“Yes,” I say. “London.”

“And?”

“That’s it really.”

“Jesus, man,” he says. “You need to live a little.”

“I know,” I say. “Baby steps. I wish Cody was coming with us.”

“Cody’s a good dude.”

“There’s tension with us,” I say, looking out the window.

Sam turns down the volume and says, “Why?”

“I’ve been having nightmares for awhile now.”

“Rick?”

He looks at me, I nod my head up and down and say, “He doesn’t know the reason I’m having them or what they’re really about. He just knows that when he finds me on the couch the next morning, I had one.”

“So,” he says, “why don’t you just tell him the truth?”

“I don’t think he’s ready for it all.”

“He’s not ready,” he says, “or you’re not ready?”

“I’m not,” I say.

I look up at the sky and see nothing but dark clouds and raindrops hitting the window. The atmosphere fits my mood perfectly ever since I started having the dreams again. I’ve been distant to everyone, including Cody, and it needs to stop. I need to stop letting him win.

“It’s understandable,” he says.

“But it’s not acceptable.”

“That’s for you to decide, Ethan. None of us know the full extent of what he put you through.”

“It’s not fair to Cody. I should tell him sooner rather than later.”

 

***

 

After checking in to our hotel, Sam takes me to a pub down the street and my mouth waters as I walk in and see a beer in everyone’s hand.

“I need a drink,” I say, sitting down at a booth in the corner.

“I’m aware,” he says, smiling.

Sam makes his way over to the bar and I look over at a group of guys sitting at a booth a few feet from us. The guy on the seat by himself is looking at me and smiling and in a normal situation, I might have had this guy in the bathroom already, but seeing him just makes me miss Cody and I instantly look away, focusing my attention out the window and watching car after car speed past.

“Here,” Sam says with a beer in his hand minutes later.

“Thanks, buddy,” I say, taking it.

“Alright,” he says, “so the concert is at eight which means we have a few hours to chill and eat.”

“I’m not super hungry,” I say.

“You haven’t eaten all day.”

“I know.”

“So, we’ll have a drink here and then we can walk across the street and get food.”

“Okay,” I say, nodding.

“So, does Cody know anything about Rick?”

“He knows that I wasn’t in a good relationship in the past,” I say, taking a drink of my beer.

“But none of the details?”

I shake my head from side to side and look out the window again.

“What’s his past dating-life like?”

“He hasn’t dated a whole lot,” I say. “He didn’t come out until he graduated high school, like me, and once that happened, his mom got sick and he took care of her and then, he really didn’t have time to date anyone. He didn’t have the time to give anyone his full attention.”

Sam smiles and I say, “So, he’s really getting a handful with me and all my problems.”

“That’s not why I’m smiling,” he says. “I just think you finally found a good one and I really hope it keeps going well.”

“It should if I can get my shit together.”

“Maybe you should go talk to someone.”

“I don’t necessarily think that’s going to help things,” I say. “The only thing that will help is if he’s dead, and that’s not going to happen anytime soon.”

Sam raises his eyebrows and says, “Dead, huh?”

“At least I would feel safe.”

“Safe,” he says, “yeah, but I know you and you’d feel guilty about it.”

Would I? Maybe I would feel satisfaction in the fact.

“Excuse me,” I hear to my left. It’s the guy from the booth and the second I lay my eyes on him, he says, “I saw you walk in. My name’s Jake.” He extends his hand and I shake it because I don’t want to be rude.

“Ethan,” I say. “This is Sam.”

“You guys from around here or—“

“We’re from out of town,” Sam says. “In for the concert tonight.”

“Us, too,” he says, pointing back to his friends at the other booth. They wave and we wave back and I’m officially out of my quota of politeness for the day.

“What are you guys doing after the concert?” he asks me.

I grab Sam’s hand, lock his fingers with mine and say, “I don’t know, babe, what are we doing?”

Jake looks down at our hands, looks over at Sam, who seems beyond confused, and Sam says, “We have a late flight back tonight, sadly.”

“Oh,” Jake says, “that’s too bad. Well, it was nice meeting you guys.” He turns around, with disappointment-filled eyes, and walks back over to his table.

“You jumped to conclusions just a little bit there,” Sam says, letting go of my hand.

“He was eyeing me while you were at the bar and I knew what he would eventually end up asking.”

“There’s nothing wrong with networking.”

“He didn’t want to network,” I say, laughing.

“The old Ethan would have jumped that guy’s bones.”

“I know,” I say, taking another drink of my beer. “Welcome to the new, and partially improved, Ethan Alexander.

 

***

 

“Are you having fun?” Sam screams next to me.

“Yeah,” I scream back.

The concert is way louder than I thought it was going to be, but it is also way more exciting than I thought it was going to be too, and I feel the adrenaline coursing through my veins as the bass of the guitar reverberates through my body.

I remember the first concert that I ever tried to go to. I was eighteen and I had just graduated high school. On the day that I graduated, I told my parents I was gay. They had bought me two tickets to see an Indie band that I had loved since my freshman year, and when I came out to them, my dad looked at me, no emotion in his eyes whatsoever, and he ripped the tickets up right in front of my face.

Hadley said she would still take me to see them, but I lost all interest in going, and in the band in general, on that day. I spent that whole summer ashamed of myself for the way I was because of the way that he looked at me that day. I was proud of myself and in an instant, I hated myself.

I went to orientation at the end of the summer and met Elliot. He helped me realize that my dad was just a dickhead and that there was nothing wrong with me.

“The only person’s approval you need is your own,” he had said.

Sam nudges my shoulder, as they start playing our favorite song, and I smile as my nerves disappear and a total sense of calm goes through my body.

“So good,” Sam screams.

I realize that the only time I ever feel this calm is when I’m with Cody. Cody was the last thing that I expected to meet in the spring when I did some security work for the hospital.

I walked down the hallway of the hospital and saw a beautiful man leaning on the counter. His ass was sticking out, with its perfect curvature, and a tiny vein ran up his arm as he leaned on it and laughed at the woman sitting at the desk.

He looked over at me as I got closer and instantly smiled when he saw me. I didn’t think anything of it because he looked away quickly and turned his attention on her again, but I realized that her computer was the one that I had to check on, so when I sat down, she left, but he didn’t and he smiled at me again.

“Hey,” he said, flashing his ridiculously white teeth at me.

“How’s it going?” I said back.

“Good. What are you doing?”

“I have to install a program on the computer,” I said. “For security purposes.”

He didn’t say anything and instead kept smiling, so I said, “What are you doing?”

“Just thinking,” he said.

“About your girlfriend or something?”

“Girlfriend,” he said, laughing. He leaned on both his arms and said, “It would be basically impossible for a woman to enjoy certain things that I’m thinking about right now.”

My cock got harder instantly and I laughed as I focused back on the computer and waited for him to say something else.

“I meant voting in the eighteen hundreds.”

“Oh,” I said with another laugh, “I know.”

“I rarely do this,” he said, “but would you at all be interested in going out for a drink with me?”

“I’m sure you never do this,” I said.

A woman tapped him on the shoulder, as she made her way to the desk, and said, “Hey, bud.”

“Carrie,” he said, “do I ever hit on guys while I’m at work?”

She looked at me, laughed and said, “Not that I’ve ever witnessed. I haven’t seen you here before.”

“I’m the security guy,” I said, showing her my visitor’s badge.

“So, Ethan,” the guy said, looking at my badge, “yes or no?”

I looked at his nametag and said, “Sure, Cody.”

He reached over the desk and I inhaled his scent, as he got a sticky note and wrote something on it. I instantly licked my lips, and imagined tasting that same smell on his skin, as he handed me the sticky note that had his number on it.

“Get ahold of me when you have a free night,” he said. He walked away, but the girl stayed as she watched him turn around the corner.

“He really has never done that before,” she said, laughing. “I’ve known him for almost five years now, and never once have I seen him hit on anyone.”

“Good guy, huh?”

“The best,” she said and she walked away.

When I got home that night, I texted Cody and we had dinner the next night; because he was sexy as fuck and I wondered what those arms could do, but also because I wanted to try something new and actually date someone first rather than just fuck him.

The song ends, as well as my daydreaming about Cody, and they tell us all thank you as they make their way off stage and people start moving towards the exit. I smile, remembering our first date together, and follow everyone towards the exit.

 

***

 

Sam crashes as soon as we get back to the hotel, so I make my way outside, down to the pool area, and Facetime Cody.

It rings a few times until finally he accepts and he says, “How was it?”

“Good,” I say. “A lot louder than I expected.”

“Yeah,” he says, laughing, “concerts tend to me loud as hell. I haven’t been to one since high school.”

“Did I wake you up?”

“No,” he says. “I was lying here thinking about you, actually, and if you enjoyed yourself, so I’m glad you did. What’s Sam up to?”

“He’s sleeping. I came down to the pool.” I switch the camera around and give him a view of the plain-white layout chairs and enormous pool.

“You should go swimming.”

“It’s cold,” I say, dipping my foot in the water.

“Pussy.”

“I miss you,” I say, turning the camera back around to my face.

“I miss you, too,” he says. “You’re staying there tomorrow night too, right?”

“Yeah,” I say. “No idea what we’re going to do tomorrow.”

“There’s a lot to do,” he says. “It’s no Chicago, but there’s plenty to do.”

“It’s dirty.”

“Some of it is,” he says. “Chicago is worse, though, if you think about it.”

“Not where we live,” I say, laughing. “You work Sunday?”

“Yeah, but day shift, so I’ll come over once I’m done and I’ll be there before you get home most likely.”

“Good,” I say.

“Are you OK?”

“I am,” I say, nodding. “Tonight was good. It was good to get away for a little while and clear my head.”

“Well,” he says, “that’s good.”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?” he says.

“For being so distant and just down lately.”

“You can’t help the way you feel.”

“Yeah,” I say, “but I have a lot of good things going on right now that I should be focusing on instead of letting my dreams get to me.”

“You’ll be alright,” he says. “I’ll protect you.”

“I know you will,” I say. “So, what all did you do today?”

“Work,” he says. “Other than that, nothing. I was going to have dinner with Ian, but something happened at the gym so he had to cancel. I just went out and got some pizza and then came back home.”

“You and your pizza,” I say, smiling.

“It’s, literally, the best thing in the world.”

“You’re, literally, the best thing in the world,” I say.

 

***

 

“The zoooo,” I say, closing my eyes.

“Yes,” Sam says. “It will be fun.”

“If we were nine years old, Samuel.”

“Shut up,” he says. “You’ve never been to one, so we need to go.”

“I’ve never eaten a girl out, either, but that doesn’t mean that I should experience it.”

“Just trust me,” he says.

We make our way inside and I’m instantly annoyed by all of the adults and children standing near me. I like kids, but not when I’m surrounded by hundreds of them and they are running around aimlessly because their parents are nowhere to be seen.

A little boy runs past me and steps on my foot as I turn to look at the red panda display, instantly getting freaked out.

“What the fuck is that thing?” I ask Sam. A woman beside me gives me a dirty look and turns around with her kid at her side.

“Do you have to say that here?” Sam says.

“Like he’s never heard it before. Seriously, that thing is scary.”

“I think it’s cute,” Sam says as he reads the information about the creature. “I want one.”

My boredom takes its toll as we make our way, almost completely around the entire zoo, and I sit down on the bench as Sam looks at another animal. I watch a little girl wave to the zebra inside the glass and wonder what the zebra is thinking at this very moment. I think about what all of the animals are thinking, really. Do they even realize that they are trapped? Do they realize that they are just a form of entertainment for everyone?

The woman who gave me a dirty look before walks by me and glares as she makes eye contact with me. I give her the finger and her jaw slightly drops as she hurries off.

Sam walks over to me and says, “Alright, let’s go before you get us kicked out.”

“I was just starting to enjoy myself, Samuel.”

“I have to piss before we go.”

“Language,” I say.

As Sam goes into the bathroom, I make my way into the gift shop and go to where they have stuffed red pandas. It’s a tad expensive, but I know he’s probably annoyed with me, so I get it for him anyway and make my way back towards the bathroom.

“What did you possibly get?” he asks me.

I pull it out of the bag, hand it to him and say, “You said you wanted one.”

He laughs and says, “Thanks, buddy.”

 

***

 

 “Can we get a beer?” I ask Sam as we make our way out of the city and onto the interstate the next day.

“We literally just left, Ethan.”

“I know,” I say, “but I want one.”

“Can you wait a few hours and we’ll stop somewhere and eat, too?”

“Yes,” I say. “I’m glad we went away for the weekend. I needed it.”

“I’m glad you liked the concert,” he says. “I still can’t believe that you’ve never been to one. That was a good first one at least.”

“The zoo was nice toooo,” I say.

“I know that that was your favorite part,” he says, laughing. “Have you talked to Cody any today?”

“No,” I say, “he’s working. He’s going to be there when I get back, though, he told me. I didn’t have any nightmares this weekend, by the way.”

“That’s good,” he says. “Maybe you just needed to get out of the area.”

“I doubt it, but you never know. I think if I focus less on them and not let them take control of me then it will be fine. I mean nothing in my life is bad at the moment or going wrong. You’d think I’d be happy and everything would be fine.”

“Maybe it’s just because things with Cody are so new,” he says. “Plus, you aren’t used to someone like him.”

“It’s been a good while that we’ve been together now, though.”

“Yeah,” he says, “but it’s still relatively new for you; all of it, really. Like, maybe it just made you think of what you thought a relationship was supposed to be like before now, and your dreams are a signal of that, so this new, healthy relationship is confusing to you. I don’t know.”

“You’re probably right, Samuel,” I say, smiling.

“Probably,” he says. “I don’t know, Ethan. I just think Cody is really good for you and if you can make it work then you should try to find out what’s bothering you so you can overcome that and then be happy with him.”

“I’m going to try harder when I get back. I know I’ve been a downer lately.”

“I can tell you’ve been upset and exhausted, but you haven’t been a drag to hang out with or anything.”

“I just need to stop letting them get to me so much,” I say. “That’s all there is to it, really.”

He’s not going to win. That’s all that there is to it, really.