Rafe’s soft snores should have offered me comfort. They assured me he was beside me, alive. Breathing. Still with me. But it wasn’t enough. Everything pressed on me too heavily—the destruction of Mason Vineyards, my dad’s arrest, Rafe and Jax planning to go after Lucas.
The turmoil inside me was a beast, its teeth gnawing from the inside, claws scratching to get free. I’d conditioned myself to keep my eyes dry for years, even while Zach thrust his cock into every part of me. Especially then. I’d learned to deal with emotions another way.
It was unhealthy and abnormal, but causing pain was the only way I knew to dampen the clutch of the beast inside me that stole my breath and turned my chest into a pressure cooker. Pain brought a blessed sigh of relief as my skin tingled and burned. It was like a drug. I caught a whiff of my next fix now, except gouging flesh with the sharp edge of my fingernails wouldn’t be enough this time.
I couldn’t unglue my mind from Jax slicing into that apple with a blade.
Slipping from bed, I made my way quietly into the bathroom, shut the door, and switched on the light. The mirror above the sink whispered to me, and I stared at the damage Zach had done to my abdomen. I craved the sting, craved the sharp bite of a blade drawing a line of crimson. I wanted red to wipe away those carved letters, thirsted for the subsequent relief that would follow the cut.
I wanted the death of his fucking name.
Spurned on by the need raging in my blood, I switched off the light and left the bathroom, my bare feet padding across the hardwood toward the hall. I cracked open the door and waited a few seconds, listening.
Rafe’s breathing continued, uninterrupted.
I crept toward the kitchen with soundless steps, navigating through the shadows of night, and prayed Jax wouldn’t find me wandering the house naked. My blood begged to be spilled, cried from within my veins, an accomplice of the ever-thirsty beast that possessed me. I pulled a drawer open and grabbed the biggest butcher knife I could find, then I tiptoed back to the bathroom, praying I wouldn’t wake Rafe.
I had to do this, needed it with a driving force I barely grasped, so how could I expect him to understand it? No doubt, he’d be furious, and this would probably hurt him as much as me, if not more, but that didn’t stop me from shutting myself in the bathroom and slicing down my stomach, right through the A in Zach’s name. I closed my eyes and sighed as the sting radiated from that spot, breathed easy for a few glorious moments when reality narrowed to the pain and overshadowed the hollow ache in my chest.
Yet the tears still wouldn’t come. I needed more. More, more, more.
Teeth grinding, I slashed again, this time horizontally through every single letter. My fingers shook around the handle, knuckles whitening from holding it so tightly, and I used my free hand to smear the blood. Finally, hot and bitter drops fell from my eyes, one after the other in an endless stream that fed the beast.
Like a finger painting, the red obscured Zach’s name, though it still weighed heavily on my skin, a constant reminder that he’d always be with me no matter how far I ran from his memory. No matter how much time passed and the rest of me healed.
Letting out a sob, I sliced again…again and again and again. God, it wasn’t enough. I might be erasing Zach, but what about everything else? The days spent in the dark with Rafe, certain we were going to die? I couldn’t breathe, but I didn’t want to halt the ambush of sorrow flowing down my face in rivulets of shame either. My lids shuttered, and I embraced the release, cherished the thrill of power I got from that blade.
A fist clamped around my wrist, and my eyes flew open. Rafe squeezed hard until I involuntarily dropped the knife. Through the chaos barreling through my being, I had trouble registering his presence, or what the tick in his jaw meant.
His hooded gaze pinned mine by way of our reflections in the mirror until he spun me around to face him. He wrenched my arms behind me and held my wrists together. Something sparked alive in my veins, trilled deliciously in my ears.
“Don’t move an inch.”
With a quick nod, I swallowed hard. He slowly let go of my hands, framed my cheeks with warm palms, and kissed the tears from my face.
“Why are you in here unraveling on your own?” His tongue darted out and caught another drop.
“I don’t know.” I forced the words beyond the lump in my throat. “I need the pain. I need his name gone. I need it all gone.”
Letting go of me, he opened the medicine cabinet. Neither of us spoke as he cleaned up the blood. I stood, my hands clasped behind me, while he applied antibiotic ointment and taped a bandage over the reddening slashes.
“At least you didn’t slash too deep.” He stood back, arms falling to his sides, and I burned under his fierce scrutiny. “You could’ve really hurt yourself. There are other ways to remove his name, Alex. Cosmetic surgery, ink. This isn’t the way.”
“I’m sorry.” I bit my lip, my cheeks flaming. His disappointment stung.
“I won’t let you self-destruct, so you’ve only got one option. You’re gonna let it out right now. All of it.”
I shook my head, eyes downcast.
He gripped my shoulder and pushed me from the bathroom. My heartbeat raced as the shadows reached from the corners of the room, threatening to choke me, but I wasn’t afraid. Not while Rafe was with me, his body warm and steady at my back. The strength in his capable grip grounded me.
He pushed me toward the bed. “Bend over the end.”
I tumbled onto the bed, palms bracing myself, and laid my cheek on the soft comforter.
His determined steps thumped across the floor. He didn’t have to tell me not to move as he rifled through the dresser drawers, his back to me, body cast in silhouette. We both knew I wasn’t going anywhere. He pulled out a belt and moved toward me, the thick strap of leather looped in his fist, ready to unleash punishment.
A drift of cool air blasted my backside as he stepped behind me, out of sight. I drew in a quick breath, preparing for the jolt of pain I knew was coming.
“If you need me to stop, tell me, okay?”
The pressure built in my chest again, and the sting in my eyes became unbearable, so I squeezed them shut. “Make it hurt.”
“Why?” His voice cracked, his anguish and confusion bleeding through that single word. “God, Alex. I’ve got a fucking hard-on from hell right now. The thought of hurting you shouldn’t do this to me. I don’t understand why you need it, why I do.”
“Then don’t question it.”
His rapid breaths filled my ears. “Don’t you ever cut yourself again.” The strap of leather bit into my ass with a harsh crack.
I jerked upright with a cry, my legs quaking from the force of the strike. He shoved me back to the mattress with a firm hand, and another lash landed on my ass, as unforgiving as the first.
Panting, I cursed the heat igniting between my thighs and pressed them together, waiting for the next strike.
“Don’t hide from me. Spread your legs.”
I groaned but did as instructed, certain my arousal was on full display, despite the cloak of shadows from nighttime. He shifted, pushing a draft of cool air toward my core, and trailed the belt down my back, tickling my spine. Gooseflesh broke out on my skin, and shivers wracked my body as he dragged the leather between my ass cheeks.
“Do you want more?”
“Yes.”
“I won’t strike you again until you tell me what you’re getting from this.”
I opened my mouth but couldn’t find an explanation. The silence, along with the loss of each second, coalesced into a standoff. “Please, Rafe.”
“You can beg all you want.” His finger slid through my wetness, dragging it to my clit, and I groaned. “I’m not giving you more until you tell me why pain does this to you.”
“It’s not just the pain. It’s…” I clenched my teeth, despising myself for being so weak as I moved against his finger. “It’s the loss of control. It’s knowing you’ll take care of me, even if it’s all on your terms. The pain…is a painkiller.”
Inserting a finger inside me, he brushed his lips at the small of my back, and his need for me puffed out in hot breaths that moistened my skin. He slipped another finger in, eliciting a moan, and increased the tempo. My hips bucked recklessly, my cries escalating with each forceful plunder. I arched my back, on the verge of convulsing around his fingers.
Abruptly, he stepped back, and the cruel bite of his belt stole my breath. I gasped, air suspended in my lungs, legs trembling. I closed my thighs again, and he blasted the leather even harder on my ass.
“Wide open, sweetheart.”
The endearment hit the most vulnerable part of my being, and I cried out something unintelligible. Holy hell, I was burning.
“More?” he asked, his voice a low growl.
“More,” I groaned.
Crack!
I wailed louder with each lashing, and something inside me finally broke free. He hit me until my eyes willingly bled the pain from my soul, until I could breathe again without the pressure crushing my heart.
“That’s it, baby. Just let it out.”
He placed the belt on the bed then gathered my wrists in his huge hand. He caged me with his body, his chest rubbing my skin, the heat of his thighs irritating my stinging ass. He wound my hair around a fist and tilted my face toward his. And he just kissed me. Long and slow, with the kind of patience I didn’t share because the throb between my legs was the most unbearable type of pain possible.
“I need you,” I said.
He jerked my head back, pulling tight on my scalp. “Every time you self-destruct, I’m gonna make you ache here.” He let go of my hair and slid his hand between my thighs to cup me. “I’ll make damn sure you hurt here until you’re out of your fucking mind.”
“Please…”
“You will never pull the bullshit you just did again, do you understand me?”
All I could manage was a whimper.
“I expect an answer.”
“Yes.”
He kissed me again, his moan of desire lost on our tongues. “You have no idea how badly I want to fuck you right now.” He let go of my wrists and stood back. “Turn over.”
I flopped to my back, a pulse of excitement zapping straight to my core.
“Remember this, Alex. When you punish yourself, you punish me too. I want inside you so fucking much right now, but it’s not happening.” His words washed over me like a tidal wave of disappointment I should have seen coming.
“Why?”
His gaze fell to the bandage hiding the ugliness on my abdomen, and my skin blazed with renewed shame. “Spread your legs.”
I parted my thighs, my breath catching, and sensed him reeling me in.