Chapter 10
Grabbing the problem by the balls
Tyler
Miranda is looking over my shoulder as I research erectile dysfunction. In all honesty, I don’t know much about the causes or how to rectify the situation.
"Oh god this is terrible. It says it could last months or forever. I knew he was a softy, but this sucks balls." I turn to face my wife. "He needs strange."
"Strange?"
"Yeah, strange," I repeat. "He needs motivation and I'm just the guy to give it to him."
Miranda doesn't seem enthused. "Babe, they've already asked us to leave, so don't push it."
"No. This is my specialty. I am the dick doctor. You watch, I'm going to solve this problem my way."
"Here we go again." She's shaking her head. Rubbing her temples like I'm giving her a headache.
"Don't fret. I got this. All we need to do is lure him out of the cabin. Let me make some calls in the morning. By dinner tomorrow he'll be stiff as a board."
It's hard sleeping when a good plan comes to mind. I toss and turn considering what it's going to take for Colt to appreciate my efforts. The easiest part of the plan are dinner reservations at a nearby steakhouse. After getting in touch with the manager, I was able to get permission to use a private banquet room. The next part of the plan is where Miranda comes in. Against her better judgment, she makes the arrangements. Now we just have to watch it all play out.
Colt and Savanna are surprisingly in good moods during the day. Out on the porch, while relaxing, I invite them to dinner. "We made reservations for that steak house you like. We’ll head out around four, and then afterwards Miranda and I will get on the road.”
“Look,” Colt starts. “About what we said last night.”
My hands go up. “No. It’s my fault. You two are going to need to have alone time. We get it.”
"We know when we've outworn our welcome," Miranda adds. "Just come to dinner before we go. It's on us."
"Far be it from us to pass on a good meal," Colt admits.
We take one vehicle to the restaurant, Colt insists on driving. Everything is set into motion. We just need to keep our cool so they don't suspect we're up to something.
We've ordered our food, and have been involved in a conversation regarding the big fundraiser. Colt and Savanna haven't a clue what's about to go down. Miranda grabs ahold of my shaking knee under the table and flashes me a warning glance. I can't help it. If this works I'll be the hero. I'll be known as the king of dicks.
Okay, that kind of sounds bad when I think about it.
Since I have no idea what to expect, my nerves are shot. Colt could flip. He's probably going to. I just hope he waits to see if it works first.
We’ve no sooner dug into our appetizers when I see a police officer asking the hostess something. She points to our table. The officer, a female with a nice figure, saunters over and addresses herself. “I’m officer Cherry. Sorry to bother you all, but are one of you driving the gray truck in the parking lot?”
Colt stands. “It’s my vehicle, ma’am. May I ask what this is about?”
“Sir, I’m going to need you to follow me. This won’t take long.”
We all look at each other and it’s taking everything in me not to laugh my ass off. Miranda kicks me under the table. I place my napkin next to my plate and start walking with them. I’m not missing out on a single second.
Once in a private banquet room, The officer opens a small black book and clicks her pen. “Okay, about what time would you say you arrived here at this establishment?”
“Can I ask what this is regarding?”
She clicks her pen again and seems annoyed. “I don’t know what part of Kentucky you’re from, but around here we practice common courtesy. Were you aware that you’re taking up two spots? An elderly couple had to park out back. You should be ashamed of yourself.”
“Officer, I apologize. I’m afraid I don’t have an excuse for my negligence.”
She looks to me and winks, so I nod back. This is it.
She takes Colt by the collar and shoves him backward. He’s so shocked he looks like he’s about to piss his pants. I cross my arms and watch it all unfolding. “One more remark and I’m going to have to take you in.”
“For what?” His voice is more pronounced and annoyed.
“For being so damn sexy, cowboy.” Before he realizes what’s happening, She’s shoved him down in a chair and has jumped on his lap. Like a cowgirl should, she begins bobbing her body, grinding it against Colt’s.
He takes her by the arms and tries to stop her, but she handcuffs herself to him. Then she pulls at the buttons on her police costume and her tits are set free. Shoving them in his face, all Colt can do is close his eyes or shove her off of him. Being that he’s always a gentlemen, he turns to me. “Make her stop or I’m going to kick your ass all the way to North Carolina.”
“No way! Keep going. Focus on the tits. Jiggle them more, toots. Give him a show. He needs encouragement. It’s for medical research!”
Colt eases her off of him until she’s kneeling in front of him. “Sorry, I’m going to need you stop and put your top back on. I’m afraid this is a mistake.”
She angrily shuffles. “I better not get a bad review for this.”
My wife is standing wondering what she can do to help, while I still can’t believe he made the chick stop. She had a nice set of knockers.
Miranda leads the girl out, while I watch Van sink down to the floor to console Colt. They both look at me with so much pent up frustration I know I’m about to get reamed. “Are you out of your ever loving mind? A stripper? Why in the hell would you think that would help me?”
“It’s okay, Colt. No harm no foul. Shake it off.”
“No. I’m sick of this.” He points to me. “You make matters ten times worse. Don’t you get it? You’re part of the problem, the stress and bullshit you constantly put on me. You’ve never grown up. This is bullshit. I’m done!”
Colt stands, brushes off his jeans, takes his wife by the hand and leaves the room.
I follow behind them, watching as they gather their things and apologize to the waitress. Colt hands her some cash from his wallet and then pushes by me as he exits the establishment. As I run after them, Miranda comes back inside and stops me. Her serious face lets me know I’ve crossed a line. “I know you mean well, but we suspected he would react like this.”
“I don’t know why I pictured this working.”
“You have a big heart, Ty. You tried. Colt will get over it. He’s frustrated with himself, and probably embarrassed. The whole cop thing was so cliché. You’re never going to live this one down.”
“I’m just glad we packed up the truck before we left. Now we just need to find a ride back to the cabin.”
We walk hand in hand out to the parking lot and much to both of our surprise, Colt and Van are still there waiting for us. “You’ve got to be kidding me? He must want to give me more shit.” Shaking my head, I surrender to my deserving ridicule. “I’ll deal with it.”
We climb into the back seat, both of us noticing Colt’s tight grip on the steering wheel. “I know you’re pissed, but it was worth the try.”
“You had no right to take it upon yourself and set me up like that. Did you really think my problem had anything to do with needing a stranger to arouse me? I have a medical condition, not an addiction. I’m not wired like you, Ty. I don’t need movies and toys. I have everything I need. My problem is that everyone is on my back. Maybe if you all minded your own business my wife and I would be able to keep our personal affairs to ourselves.”
“You’re right. You’re absolutely right. I overstepped.”
“What else is new?” We’re pulling out of the parking lot. The stripper has put on a jacket and is talking on her cell phone. I don’t bother waving. She got a ton of money for five minutes worth of work. Colt didn’t even get to have a good show.
I start laughing. It’s wrong. Colt will be more pissed, but I can’t help myself. “When we were younger you would have just decked me for something like this. Now you hold grudges. Maybe that’s your problem. You take everything to heart.”
“Maybe you interfere,” he counters.
“It was a kind gesture.”
“It was disgusting. You’re disgusting. I should have known you were up to something. You hardly ever offer to pay.”
“Well again, I apologize for spending good money on you. I was trying to be your hero, because let’s face it, you’re my idol.”
He looks in the rearview mirror at me. “You’re lucky I don’t stop this truck and slap that grin right off your face.”
“Let’s just agree to disagree. I tried to help. It won’t happen again.”
The rest of the ride is silent. Miranda and I say our goodbyes and get on the road. In a couple days this will all blow over and I’ll be back to driving him crazy. He’s angry about it now, but years down the road this will be a funny story. You bet your ass I’ll be the one to bring it up.