Luke woke to an empty bed, but the smell of pancakes. He frowned, unhappy to find that Adam was no longer pressed against him, held in his arms, but the pancake smell was promising.

He followed the smell downstairs, where he found Adam standing in a pair of sweatpants and a shirt that he’d obviously nicked from Luke’s closet, helping Seth to make pancakes. They were chatting animatedly about law, with Adam relaying the craziest stories he’d heard while in law school. Seth was beaming up at Adam like he’d found a new role model, his mouth full of pancakes and syrup.

Luke felt his stomach get all fluttery and he thought that he might be just a little bit in love.

“Hey,” he said, coming up behind Adam and wrapping his arms around him.

“Hot pan,” Adam warned, scooting out of the way so that Luke didn’t burn himself.

Luke laughed. “Sorry,” he said, sitting down obediently at the table. He looked over at Seth. “Don’t you have school in a short bit?”

“I know, I know,” Seth grumbled. The school was only a short bike ride away and Seth was used to getting himself ready in the mornings. Luke often came downstairs just in time to say goodbye, since he worked such late nights and school started so early in the morning.

Seth finished his pancakes and ran to get his backpack. Luke looked at the dirty dishes and sighed. “I’ll help with that. Next time,” he raised his voice, “Seth’s going to remember that it’s his job to help clean up as well!”

Adam was smiling fondly at him, and Luke took a deep breath. Now was as good of a time as any.

“Sorry!” Seth yelled, barreling back down the stairs. He had his backpack on. He hugged Luke goodbye, then ran off to grab his bike. “Love you!”

“Love you too. Use a helmet!” Luke yelled after him.

They hadn’t hugged as much, before the crash. Now they made sure to hug goodbye and say they loved each other. Just in case.

“He’s a bright kid,” Adam said. “Precocious.”

“Yeah, he’s always been that way.” Luke sighed. “He’s gotten quieter since… well. It says a lot that he talks to you so much.”

“He’s just pumping me for information,” Adam replied, but he was smiling fondly as he said it.

Luke cleared his throat. “Listen. I was wondering—you said that your boss is opening up a partner branch or something, in Chicago.”

“That’s my understanding, yeah,” Adam said.

“You should take the job,” Luke said. “So that you can be here. With me.”

Adam stared at him. Luke rubbed at his eyes. “Not that—I’m not asking you to move in or anything, I just thought—we could give this a shot. We could try a relationship.”

He smiled hopefully at Adam, trying to convey how serious he was, and how much the idea appealed to him. Adam, unfortunately, just kept staring. It was like he’d completely derailed Adam’s train of thought and now he was scrambling to get it back on track.

Luke pressed onward, determined to explain. “Look, I haven’t felt a connection like this with anyone, and I don’t think that you have, either. I know that you don’t want to work for the Harpers, and you’re not really happy at your New York firm, either. Maybe Chicago isn’t where you dreamed of ending up, but it’s a great city and I think that we should build on what we’re discovering between us.”

Before he had even finished, Adam was shaking his head. “I can’t,” he said, and to his credit, he sounded wrecked. “I have to finish this.”

“Finish what, the case?” Luke couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Adam, you hate them. You think Seth should be with me.”

“I have a job, and I have a commitment to that job,” Adam replied. “Plus, as long as I’m representing them, I can sabotage it. Another lawyer would actually put in the work and try to win against you.”

“So?” Luke demanded. “I’d rather take my chances. I want you.”

“It doesn’t work that way!” Adam replied, his voice rising. “This is my job. I know that a lot of people don’t care about their jobs, but I care about mine, okay? It’s a huge part of my life.”

“Yeah, it’s your entire life,” Luke replied. He knew that he was probably saying things that he shouldn’t, but he didn’t care. He felt… like he’d opened up his heart and Adam had stabbed him for it. “You have no friends, you’ve had no lovers—how can you call that a life? How can you go back to that when we have this?”

“We’ve known each other a day, Luke,” Adam replied.

“Doesn’t mean that there isn’t something that we should pursue,” Luke pointed out.

Adam shook his head. “Look, you’ve had a hard six months, okay? And I’ve had a hard… however long. We connected, so we’re both—”

Now Luke was the one staring. “Are you saying that this is just because I’m grieving?”

“Not exactly,” Adam replied. “I just—”

“Do you want to try this out?” Luke asked again. “Just answer the question.”

“I can’t,” Adam replied.

“You’re dodging the question again.”

“It doesn’t matter what I want!” Adam replied. “I can’t have what I want, because if I get one thing that might be good, with you, then I’ll lose the one thing I already have that I know is good, which is my career! I like being a lawyer, and maybe I’m not always happy with the clients my boss has me represent, but I like what I do and I’m not going to risk that by dropping this case! It’s better for you if I hold onto it anyway, so that I can help you keep Seth!”

“And I’m not worth the risk?” Luke asked. “I’m not worth—you could be a lawyer anywhere, your boss wants to transfer you—”

“I don’t know that for certain—”

“But you could move to Chicago anyway! You have a great resume, you know people!” Luke felt desperate, like there was a tide rising up around him, but he was stuck and couldn’t move, not even to save himself.

Adam shook his head. “No. I’m sorry, Luke, but I’m not giving up working for the Harpers. It’s in your best interest. I’m also not going to just quit my job on a whim, no matter how good that whim might feel.”

But I’ve never felt like this with anyone else, Luke said, or wanted to say, but the words were stuck in his throat and he couldn’t seem to get them out.

“And what about Seth?” Adam asked.

“What about him?” Luke demanded.

Adam looked surprised at that. “You don’t think that maybe you shouldn’t be having a boyfriend right now?”

“I think Seth would be okay if I had a boyfriend,” Luke replied. He actually wasn’t sure about that. Seth had hinted a few times that he wanted to see Luke happy with someone, but thinking he wanted to see Luke with somebody and actually seeing Luke with somebody were two very different things. Who knew if Seth would suddenly find himself jealous?

“I’m not doing this,” Adam repeated. “I’m sorry.”

“Whatever.” Luke shrugged, knowing he probably sounded like a sullen teenager in that moment. “Fine. If you don’t think we’re worth—”

“That’s not what I’m saying.”

“That is what you’re saying. Our relationship isn’t worth you trying something new with your job, and it isn’t worth you giving up your side of the case, and apparently it’s just because I’m grieving or something that I even like you as much as I do. Fine. I can’t change your mind. Just… just go.”

He didn’t want Adam to be around when he started crying like an idiot.

Adam sighed, but he went upstairs to fetch his clothes. Luke stood at the kitchen table, torn between fuming and having a very unmanly cry in the bathroom. This wasn’t just grief or whatever Adam thought it was. The fact that Adam wasn’t even all that happy at his current law firm and yet he was willing to stick with that instead of pursuing this connection… it made Luke feel like he was a fuck up all over again. Maybe that was what Adam had seen in him all along, and he didn’t want to hang his hopes on someone like that.

Luke didn’t look up when Adam came back downstairs, although he could see Adam in the corner of his eye and knew that Adam had put his own suit on again, stains and wrinkles be damned.

“I’ll see you in court, I guess,” Adam said, his voice quiet and careful, like Luke was some horse that might easily be spooked.

Luke didn’t look at him. He didn’t know what stupid thing he might say or do if he did. He was afraid he might grab Adam, crush their mouths together and beg him to stay.

The front door opened and shut.

That was all he saw of Adam for a month.