Chapter One

______________________________

Elder

 

 

ONE, TWO, THREE times, I paced the second bedroom.

One, two, three times, I strode to the door and almost turned the handle to return to her.

One, two, three times, I sat on the bed and clutched my aching skull, willing myself to stay in control until Selix arrived.

I gritted my teeth as the driving demands muttered ceaselessly in my head. There was no reprieve. No help. I’d run out of marijuana and just the knowledge that Pim was outside that door—waiting to ask more questions, to interrogate me with a sexy fierceness in her eyes and gorgeous bravery in her spine—made it that much harder to stay away.

Christ!

Even with a wall and locked door between us, I struggled to keep my distance. This morning was fucking taxing, but last night had been the longest I’d ever endured.

I’d told Pim the truth about how hard I’d fought to stay away. The only thing giving me strength was thinking of my baby brother. Of the atrocities I’d caused and the many more I might make if I gave in to the malicious chatter inside my head.

I winced all over again, recalling her face as I deliberately broke her heart.

My awful slur of ‘You’re not worth it,’ echoed sickly, making me suffocate with self-hatred.

She’d been right to call me a liar.

I was a fucking falsifier who couldn’t keep his story straight. Even to himself. So many instances I’d told her the truth, only to cover it up immediately with deceit.

One moment, I told her I didn’t want her body, only her mind.

The next, I admitted I couldn’t breathe without touching her.

One day, I told her she owed me every penny I placed on her self-worth.

The next, I retracted the hypocrisy and delivered her freedom free from any debt.

Yet, she didn’t take it.

She stood before me and accepted my forgeries as if she didn’t hear what I spoke but only what I was desperate to keep hidden.

She’d swum into my veins and infiltrated my soul without me knowing. By the time I understood what she’d done…it was too late. She’d reached inside my chest and fished out my heart. She’d gutted it, filleted it, and slapped it on a goddamn frying pan.

I had the power to stop my pain.

All it would take was six steps to the door and a twist of the lock to sink into the addiction I despised. If all I cared about was myself, then fine. I wouldn’t be sitting here rocking like a junkie, counting down the seconds for Selix to arrive to fix this. I would be out there, balls deep in Pim.

But unfortunately, by taking my heart, she’d given me something I’d been lacking since the flames ate my childhood and family.

She’d given me culpability.

And an even larger dose of self-control to never put myself first again—no matter how loud the whispers howled.

I wouldn’t put her in danger again. I would drive a stake through my heartless chest before I let that happen.

She was worth it.

Ten times, no, a thousand times fucking worth it.

She was worth more than any fortune or vengeance. And that was what sealed my deal with the devil plotting on my shoulder.

I couldn’t do this anymore.

Nothing in the world would seduce me into marching back to her, pushing her onto the bed, and ripping off every piece of clothing between us. I wouldn’t admit that the only way I could continue living was either with her naked and under me for the rest of our days or far, far away where she turned back into a stranger and I could return to my strictly regimented life.

Both options weren’t healthy and sure as hell weren’t acceptable.

But…she’s worth it.

And that was the lie I’d never rectify.

She had to believe she wasn’t worth it.

She had to hate me for what I’d done.

She had to accept my lies as truth—had to see me as the addict I was and not the quixotic lover she hoped.

Despite the morbidness of my thoughts, one piece of sanity remained. A knowledge of how my mind worked and a tentative hope that two solutions might save me as they had before.

Distance and time.

There was such a thing as cooling off, and I was in desperate need of it.

In my past, the way to ‘cure’ me of my current obsession was brain boredom—where my mind suddenly decided it had conquered all it needed to, and the fog lifted, letting me see the world without addiction again.

A universe of sensations existed past that one compulsion, and it always seemed as if I’d stepped from a vortex of nothing but origami, origami, or fight, fight, fight to breathe a deep sigh of relief and be sane.

It took a while. It wasn’t guaranteed. But it could happen with Pim. I could grow bored of her…

I rolled my eyes.

Bullshit.

The more time I spent with her, the more fascinated I became.

Okay, time might not work…but perhaps distance could.

The second way of breaking my OCD was separation from the cause. To ignore the screaming demands to over focus and indulge. To ride through the detox no matter how agonising.

Some obsessions only took a day to overcome. Simple things like a song that’d captured my attention only for me to play it repetitively, hour after hour, until I physically couldn’t listen to the beat without wanting to kill myself while at the same time, unable to stop pressing play.

In those cases, all I needed to do was throw away the CD, or burn the iPod, or turn off the internet even as my cello called to me.

A few days cold turkey and the storm summoning me to drink its venomous rain and live in its rancid clouds dispersed into clear skies once again.

It’s worked before.

It can work again.

If I could avoid Pimlico for a few days…a week maybe…then I could forget the nirvana of being inside her and go back to the way things were. Platonic things. Rescuer and recovering things.

All I need is time.

Checking my watch, I ignored the twitch to check it one, two, three, and noticed an hour had gone by since I’d yelled at her.

Guilt chewed caverns inside me.

I’m a bastard to say she wasn’t worth it.

She was worth so much more than what I had to give, and that fucking terrified me. I’d hurt myself before I hurt another person I love—

My spine shot straight.

Love…

For the second time, that sneaky word snaked into my thoughts.

I knew sibling and parental love. I understood what it was like to give someone my heart unconditionally because of blood and obligation.

But to go from strangers to friends…to in love.

To hand over my everything and be happy that I had the ability to fall instead of freak out about what this meant.

Am I in love?

Was that what churned inside my chest? The sickening knowledge that I would throw myself out of the window if it meant it was the only way to keep Pim safe, or was it yet another layer of guilt knowing what she’d lived?

The question hissed through my blood, twisting the need for physical intimacy into something entirely different.

She was the one making me hurt.

But she could also be the one to make me better.

All my previous rationales vanished.

Glancing at the door, I stood before I gave myself permission. I’d tell her exactly what had to happen. That for the next week, she’d have to stay in quarantine for her own protection. If we crossed paths, a minimum distance would be recognised at all times with staff present. And above all, no touching.

If she obeyed, I could get myself under control again, and we could go back to being friends.

I could continue to love her. Care for her. Cherish her. And she would be given everything she ever wanted.

My hand clamped over the door-knob while my mind entered a fugue, desperate to earn Pim’s laugh again, to watch her steal something inconsequential all the while stealing my heart.

That was what I needed.

She was what I needed.

We can make this work.

We could sail side by side as cohabiters until we arrived in England. There, I’d set her free because it was the right thing to do.

I would forever be her No One, and who knew? Perhaps we could remain pen friends while I sailed the seas searching for redemption and she slotted back into the life she was stolen from.

The idea warmed my aching heart while at the same time crushing it beneath its vicious shoe.

Wishing I had a joint to take the edge off, I yanked open the door and stepped into the suite’s lounge.

My eyes fell to the carpet where she’d stood and begged me to talk to her.

Nothing.

The thick floor-covering held no indents of her feet, no sign she’d been there at all. Of course, she wouldn’t remain standing for over an hour. She’d return to somewhere far more comfortable.

The bed.

I couldn’t approach such a thing—especially after we’d had sex on it—but I gritted my teeth and stalked toward the bedroom we’d shared. To the crumpled sheets and the lingering scent of sadness and lust.

Empty.

Instantly, I missed her presence.

There was no rustle of femininity. No prickle of her eyes on my body.

No silent mouse or brave Pimlico.

The room was bare.

My stomach turned to lead as I spun slowly, peering into the bathroom, believing any second she’d come out and I’d stride forward and gather her in a bone-crunching hug.

A hug that would turn to kissing.

A kiss that would turn to touching.

A touch that would turn to fucking.

A nightmare

that

I

could

never

fucking

stop.

Inhaling hard, I pinched the bridge of my nose, shoving aside those thoughts and focusing on the vacant room.

She was gone.

Which was probably a good thing. An excellent thing. But the knowledge she’d snuck out while I sulked in the other room tore my skin from my skeleton.

Then my gaze fell on the folded note on the bed.

Ah, shit.

Raking fingernails over my scalp, I shook my head as if denial would change the finality of the white paper.

“No.” I backed away rather than shot for it.

I already knew what it said. This was my fault. I’d scared her off. I’d hurt her. Through my actions and harshness, I’d told her to leave. I’d wanted this to happen even though I’d negate such a claim.

“Fuck.”

She’d been too strong for her own good. She’d ignored her distrust of strangers and choosen a corrupt world over me.

Forcing myself forward, I picked up the letter.

The penmanship was familiar from reading her notes to No One. My eyes skimmed the text—absorbing the theme but unable to fully soak in her crippling message.

Sentences like I always knew our time together was temporary—just like you.

And This is goodbye, Elder.

They were too violently excruciating to accept.

Instead, I looked at the scribble over Pimli- at the bottom and froze.

Goddammit, could the pain get any worse?

I crumpled up her note, doing my best to hide what I’d seen—what she’d given me—but the six little letters of her signature burned upon my retinas.

Not the name given to her by misfortune.

But her true name.

The name Selix had told me yesterday when he’d informed me of the location of Pim’s mother. The name I’d known and hadn’t told her—even as I demanded more of her heart than I could ever deserve.

Tasmin.

“Fuck.” I hung my head, balling the letter tighter with rage. She hadn’t enlightened me on her last name, but it didn’t matter.

I knew that, too.

I’d stolen her right to tell me, and it made me a shitty human being.

Tasmin Blythe.

The psychology student from West London with good grades, a lonely existence, and perfect behaviour as a role model daughter to one of the most prolific criminal psychologists in the United Kingdom.

Selix had been the one to find out, but I hadn’t stopped there.

I’d turned to Google, and instead of asking Pim everything I wanted to know, I once again stooped to stalking. I’d read her letters to No One, and now I’d read facts written about her online by third parties.

No matter what information Google gave me, it hadn’t given me an ounce of what I’d learned by living with her. Google could tell me about the night of her abduction. It could deliver missing person reports, newspaper articles of this shining rising star, and how police had no leads. But it couldn’t tell me what she smelled like, laughed like, moaned like. It couldn’t teach me the way her eyes widened when I gave her a compliment or how her teeth indented her lower lip as I kissed her throat.

But Google had told me things Pim didn’t know herself. A few months after her kidnapping, more documents appeared, but this time, they focused on her mother. The mother who was suddenly thrust into the limelight, eclipsing her daughter’s disappearance with her own heinous actions.

I had it all wrong.

I thought I wanted information. That I wanted every secret and hidden agenda. However, gaining that knowledge from a computer screen was hollow and woefully unsatisfying.

What I truly wanted was Pim. I wanted the beauty of her voice as she told me about her studies. I wanted the perfection of her face as she reminisced about childhood pets or favourite places.

Pim had started as my charity case and ended up meaning so much more. She left before I could tell her why I needed her so goddamn much.

You could go after her.

I knew her home address.

I’d used Google Earth to study her old apartment. I’d used street view to walk the same cobblestone alleys she had before she’d been taken.

I could go there and wait for her. Or I could march through Monaco and find her and tell her the truth about what her mother did and what it meant for her future.

But if I did, there was no way in hell I could let her go again. There would be no safety net in sight. No happy ending. Only me living a life of sexual frustration while she remained lonely and rejected.

She’d left.

If I could somehow do the same, it might be exactly what we needed to survive each other.

I stood by the bed, waiting for an epiphany on what to do.

Chase her.

Forget her.

Claim her.

Abandon her.

One, two choices.

One, two decisions.

One, two potential disasters.

I wished I had a third option just to balance out the tic inside my skull.

The crazy counting wouldn’t stop; I rubbed my temples. Pim had done this to me. I wished I had the ability to turn off emotion. I wished I could walk away from her as she’d just walked away from me.

My legs screamed to hunt her down and drag her back—kicking and screaming if it came to that. But even as I entertained the idea of chasing her through downtown Monte Carlo, an irrefutable depression settled.

She’d made the decision for both of us.

She’d been the one to have the guts and look into the future and only see decimation.

It was over.

Done.

Finished.

That’s the way it has to be.

I hated it. I mourned it. I already felt myself breaking apart.

Throwing her letter across the room, I pulled my phone from my pocket and dialled Selix.

He answered on the first ring. “I know, I know. I’m running late. Almost there.”

“Doesn’t matter anymore.” My voice was shattered glass.

Selix paused. “What’s happened?”

That question couldn’t be answered in my current state. “I hope to God you got the tin I asked for from my bedside drawer.”

“Got the tin.”

My shoulders slouched, already tasting the sickly smoke of a joint. I didn’t have the power to calm my riotous thoughts, but weed surely would.

“Good,” I said. “Tell Jolfer we’re leaving the moment we return.”

“Already ahead of you. The captain has the yacht fully stocked with food and fuel. He’s ready to leave when you are.”

“Fine.”

When I didn’t hang up or give more instruction, Selix asked, “Anything else?”

“Yes, Pimlico ran off.”

Christ, I didn’t mean to sound so fucking gutted. Stupid voice betraying me. Stupid heart screwing me over. Stupid fucking universe putting her in my path.

“You going to find her?” Selix’s tone was quiet…unpresumptuous, but it still set my hackles on edge.

Yes.

No.

I don’t fucking know.

“Just…come get me. I’ve waited long enough. I need to be on the ocean.”

“I’m literally two streets away. Traffic was a bitch.” He cleared his throat, about to over step the line he loved testing. “Look, if my opinion is worth anything, I think it’s a good thing she’s gone. No longer your problem.”

Now that I’ve tasted her, she’ll forever be my problem.

Selix didn’t need to hear that. “I never liked your opinions. This time is no different. Shut up and drive. The sooner we’re off this godforsaken soil, the better.”

“Guess I’ll let the Hawks know your plus one is no longer needed.”

“Fuck you.”

Selix chuckled. “Hey, I could always go as your date.” A car horn sounded before he added, “Look, here’s another opinion you probably won’t like. You’re still sailing to England. Want me to find her and stow her on board? You wouldn’t have to see her. I’d keep her away. At least then you’d know she’s back where she belongs and you could truly forget about her. Your part would be done.”

I shook my head even as Selix’s proposal spread like wildfire. “You know as well as I do she has no one there to take her in. Her mother—”

“I know,” he interrupted. “But fuck that. I’m sure she has other family.”

She doesn’t.

Same as me.

And that was yet another crucifix to bear.

I didn’t want to hear any more.

Pim had made her choice.

I was making mine.

She was on her own.

It didn’t matter I would forever carry a hole where she was concerned. I wouldn’t hurt her again. She’d earned her freedom. England or Monaco—her fate would be the same in any country as she no longer had a home.

She would make a new one somewhere far from me.

From Alrik.

From everyone.

“Enough of your damn opinions, Selix. Bring me that tin. Never mention her name again, forget she ever existed. I expect to set sail within the hour. You can’t do that? You’ll be swimming with the goddamn fish.”