In only a few days’ time, stingers have grown up on either side of the forest path. I can feel them lashing against my ankles as I run, but I don’t stop. By the time I get to the dovecote, I’m panting for breath and flushed with fear. The last thing I want is another tragedy.
‘Phillipa!’ I yell out.
Since I was here last, the broken pane of glass has been repaired, and a plank nailed across the door with a sign on it that says ‘Danger Keep Out’. Simon has been out here working and there’s a pile of rotten boards outside that he’s taken up from the floor. Behind the plank and the sign, the door is wide open. She must have taken the key from the kitchen.
There’s no response. I run up the stairs.
Phillipa is sitting on the balcony just like the last time, her legs dangling over the edge. The water below is dark and murky. The pink diary is on her lap, and beside her is a small pile of shredded paper, a book of matches, and a small silver letter opener with a lizard on the handle. I recognise it from the props table.
The floor is now just a lattice of joists, some of which are clearly rotting away. There are some remaining boards on top but quite a few have been removed. I take a deep breath and hold it, and carefully tiptoe from joist to joist, not allowing myself to look down at the ten-foot drop onto the stone floor below. I reach the other side and exhale. My heart, though, is thundering in my chest.
‘Phillipa,’ I say, keeping my voice even. ‘People are worried. Let’s go back.’
‘Lizzie?’ Luke’s voice comes from below.
Laughing, she takes a match and lights the pile of shredded paper. The words of Julie from beyond the grave go up in a small whorl of grey smoke.
‘You’ll never be able to prove anything, Lizzie,’ she says.
‘Maybe not. But I think you want to tell the truth, don’t you? Otherwise, you wouldn’t have come back here.’
‘Lizzie?’ Luke reaches the top of the steps.
‘Keep him away,’ Phillipa says, picking up the letter opener.
I turn to Luke. He nods warily, but remains at the top of the stairs. It’s like an ocean of distance separates us now.
‘You don’t want to do anything you’ll regret, Phillipa,’ I say.
As soon as the words are out, I know it’s the wrong thing to say.
‘I regret everything.’
‘All this time, I’ve been asking myself why you came back here. But now I think I know. You wanted to atone, didn’t you? The Lady’s Secret isn’t a romance at all. It’s a confession.’
‘A confession.’ She mulls over the word. ‘Interesting theory.’
I take a second to gather my thoughts. ‘You were Victoria all along. Most of it – the romance bits – were pure fantasy. But the little clues you scattered along the way told the true story.’
She crosses her arms. ‘Maybe you should be the fiction writer, not me.’
‘Maybe. But at the beginning of that summer, everything was perfect, wasn’t it? Everyone loved and admired you. Luke and Julie both had a crush on you. And then there was Max, Julie’s older brother. He liked you too. But that’s when things started to go wrong. You and he were an item, but then he dropped you.’
‘You make it sound so poetic,’ she says, pressing the tip of the knife into her palm. ‘Max got me drunk and we had sex. And have you guessed what happened next? Because even Luke – who’s studied the book cover to cover – hasn’t figured out the truth. But then again, he’s a man.’
I nod. ‘I think you got pregnant,’ I say. ‘And then you were stuck – just like Victoria was. Your parents were strict, and if you went back to boarding school, they’d catch you out immediately. You needed money – to travel somewhere to have an abortion, maybe? It must have been terrible – you felt used and betrayed.’
‘You have no idea what it was like. Max’s girlfriend from uni came to visit him. He’d lied before and told me they’d broke up. I felt so alone. I couldn’t tell my dad what happened. The only one who understood me was Julie.’
‘You used her and the feelings she had for you. You led her on – carved your initials on the tree. You devised a plan to steal money from her mum. You said that you didn’t want to go back to boarding school, and that if you and she had the money, then you could run away together.’
‘I did what I had to do. It was utterly ridiculous, but she believed me and chose to go along with it. At first, anyway.’
‘At first, yes,’ I say. ‘But then things started to go sour. It was fine when it was you and her against the world. Sunbathing and giving each other daisy rings. But then Luke came. You toyed with him too, and that made her angry. She started acting weird, didn’t she?’
‘Weird?’ she laughs. ‘She started stalking me. She destroyed the photo of my mum. Then she cut up my clothes with scissors and left a dead bird on my pillow. She was crackers.’
‘She was the Watcher, right? It wasn’t Luke at all.’
‘Luke.’ She smirks. ‘Mr Innocent. Following us around, taking his videos. Among other things.’
‘The stolen money,’ I say, looking at Luke. ‘You took that, right?’
‘I did it for your own good,’ he growls at Phillipa. ‘At least, that’s what I told myself at the time. I didn’t want you and Julie to get in trouble.’
‘And got a nice lens for your camera out of it too, didn’t you?’
‘Yes.’ He nods. ‘I’m not proud of that, obviously.’
She laughs. ‘Julie was livid that I’d lost it. She thought I had a thing going with Luke – that it was us against her. In the end, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I went out to the party that night to find Max. I’d decided to tell him the truth – get him to help me. It was his fault after all. But he just laughed at me. I was so upset – I just wanted someone to hold me. But Luke wanted more than that. So I gave it to him.’ She gives me a satisfied look, knowing full well that I don’t want to hear about it.
‘Yes,’ I say, trying not to show any emotion. ‘Truth or dare. And then, Julie walked in on you.’
‘In a way, I was glad. I thought that she’d finally get the hint. Luke chickened out. He walked away and left the two of us alone. I thought she’d want to have it out, but she ran upstairs.’ She presses her lips together and for a moment, I worry that she’s decided not to continue.
‘What happened?’ I whisper.
‘I went up after her. She screamed at me – I’d never seen her so angry. But I never thought for a second that she might be dangerous.’ She turns and looks at Luke. I take a step backwards but there’s nowhere to go.
Luke’s eyes are wide, his face panic-stricken. ‘Wait a second. You told me that Julie went upstairs but that you didn’t follow her. I asked you about it – more than once. You said it was just Julie. That she went up and jumped off the balcony to swim like the others had been doing. That’s…’ he lowers his voice, ‘what you told me to say at the inquest. What I did say…’
Phillipa gives him a pained look. ‘Sadly, Luke, in the end, you were the only one I could count on. If I’ve never said it before – thank you.’
‘Tell me what happened.’ He takes a step forward onto the rickety joists.
‘No. Don’t.’ I say in a smothered voice. Realising my distress, he steps back.
‘We were both out on the balcony,’ Phillipa continues. ‘She was raving – going on about how much she loved me – and hated me.’ She takes a breath. ‘I’m afraid I laughed in her face. So she picked up an empty bottle and came at me. She tried to hit me, but I managed to grab another one.’
She stops speaking again and turns away. But not before I’ve seen the haunted look darkening her eyes.
‘The bottle shattered, and the force of the blow knocked her into the lake,’ I continue.
‘You hit her on the head with a bottle?’ Luke’s voice is low and icy.
‘You didn’t mean to kill her, did you?’ I jump in. ‘It all just happened so quickly. Just like in the book. Victoria is lured up onto the roof by the Watcher – Belle. There’s a struggle, and the heroine – that’s you – defends herself and survives. Julie fell to her death. That’s your secret – The Lady’s Secret – such as it is.’
‘The lady’s secret,’ Phillipa says, looking down at the dark water. ‘In real life, it’s more like a worm living inside you. It slowly eats away at your insides, wanting to be let out.’
‘You killed her,’ Luke says. Once again he starts across the floor. I can see the joists bow under his weight. ‘You fucking killed Julie. Why didn’t you try to save her? Did you hate her so much?’
‘Luke,’ I say, ‘don’t.’
But it’s too late. Like a police officer trying to talk a jumper down from a tall building, I felt we were making a connection, but now, the moment is shattered.
‘You have no proof of anything,’ Phillipa repeats. The last grey tendrils of smoke rise up from the little pile of ashes. ‘And for your information, Luke, I didn’t jump in and save her, because I’m afraid of the water. I never learned to swim.’
From below there’s another shout. Phillipa’s name – and mine. It’s Theo. I know he means well – like a knight in shining armour who bumbles in planning to slay the dragon, save the maiden… and ends up making a complete hash of everything.
‘Don’t let him up here,’ I say to Luke.
He starts to back up but it’s too late. Theo rushes up the stairs. ‘Phillipa!’ he shouts. He runs out onto the floor. Under the combined weight of the two men, the rotten joists finally give way, collapsing like a house made of matchsticks. There’s a cry as they both crash down to the floor below.
‘Oh God!’ I cover my hands with my mouth. All I can see is a cloud of dust and debris. ‘Luke? Theo? Are you OK?’
There’s no immediate answer, but after a few seconds, someone coughs.
‘Luke?!’ I’m frantic to go to him, but I’m trapped too. The entire floor is gone, and I’m stuck out on the balcony with Phillipa.
‘Help!’ Theo cries out. ‘My leg – it’s stuck.’
‘Hold on!’ I say. ‘I’ll try to climb down. Luke – are you there too?’
But there’s no answer.
‘Is there a way to climb down from here?’ I say to Phillipa. I go to the balcony railing and lean over, staring downwards to see if there’re any foot or handholds. A tangle of wisteria vines snakes up the stones at the side of the balcony, but it looks too fragile to bear the weight of an adult. My heart is in my throat, I have to get down.
‘I’m not going anywhere.’ She kneels down and sweeps the ashes and debris into the lake.
‘They need help down there.’
She shakes her head. ‘You remember what I told you – that romance novels always need to have a happy ending. That’s what readers expect. But you know what real life is like, don’t you, Lizzie? Look at what happened to Veronica Jones.’
‘I’m going to try to climb down.’
She grabs me then, swift and hard by the wrist. ‘No,’ she says. ‘You’re staying right here.’ She picks up the little silver knife. ‘I know that you, and Luke too, think that my book is soppy, fairy tale rubbish. And you’re right – it is. I sold a lot of books, but now, I want to aim higher. You were right – I do want to tell the truth. There’s no such thing as a happy ending…’
‘Phillipa, stop it! We need to get help. Luke!’ I yell out again. ‘Theo, can you see Luke?’
‘No,’ he croaks. ‘But I’ve got my phone. I just dialled 999.’
‘OK good.’
‘Move back against the wall.’ Phillipa brandishes the thin silver blade.
I take a step backwards, raising my hands, until my back is against the brickwork. My throat is so constricted that I can barely breathe, but I know my only chance is not to let her see that I’m panicking.
‘Don’t be stupid, Phillipa,’ I say. ‘You don’t want to make things worse. As you’ve said, there’s no proof of what happened back then.’
‘I know.’ Her laugh is wicked and sinister. ‘But you and I have unfinished business, don’t we? Do you know, I was stupid enough to think that coming back here – with Luke – might make all the difference? That we might finally be able to put it all behind us. He was the only one who stood by me all those years ago. I thought that maybe, we could finally have our moment. But you’ve taken that away.’
‘Stop it, Phillipa.’ I try to step forward but my knees are shaking too hard. ‘Back off, and let me go.’
There’s a rustling and snapping sound coming from the woody tangle of wisteria vines and ivy below the balcony. A few seconds later, behind Phillipa, Luke’s head appears just above the floor of the balcony. He puts a finger to his lips and grabs the railing. There’s an almighty screeching sound as the metal bends under his weight. I gasp, unable to move. Phillipa whirls around. Luke grabs onto the vine, clinging onto it.
‘Don’t come up here,’ she hisses.
Luke tries to pull himself up but Phillipa goes to the railing and jiggles it, until it’s attached only by a single rusty bolt.
‘Let Lizzie go,’ Luke says. ‘It’s me you want. We’re in this together – we always will be. I see that now.’
Phillipa laughs. ‘Together forever – is that the best you can do, Luke? I think you’ll find that you’re in no position to be calling the shots.’
‘No,’ I say. ‘But neither are you.’
I lunge forward and try to grab the blade in her hand. But she pulls her arm away and I go sprawling onto the fragile stone. I wait for her to advance on me, to feel the cold steel penetrate my skin. I’m aware of Luke crawling on the balcony, and for a second I feel a blinding fear that he’s the one she’ll turn against.
He reaches out to grab her leg but she steps back against the railing. Her eyes are upon me as she drops the blade. And then, she goes over the edge. For an agonising moment, she seems to hang in the air. Then there’s a huge splash as she goes into the water and disappears underneath the surface.
My body reacts much more quickly than my mind. I rush to the edge and dive off into the void.
‘Lizzie!’ Luke cries out.
An instant later, my skin feels shredded to pieces as I pierce the surface of the cold, dark water.
I feel like I’m sinking down into a bottomless pit, black and airless. The light above seems so far away. I open my eyes, desperately searching for Phillipa. Her answer to Luke’s question shrieks into my mind. ‘I didn’t jump in to save her because I’m afraid of the water. I never learned to swim.’
I spy a dark shape a few meters in front of me. The water is murky and the visibility is poor, but I swim towards it. It turns out to be a log. I can’t hold out any longer, and frantically kick my feet to go up towards the light.
When I break through the surface, Luke is in the water too.
‘Has she come up yet?’ I gasp.
‘No,’ he says. He dives back under. Taking a giant breath, I do the same. But without the force of the dive, I can’t go very deep. Hope begins to slip away. Another tragedy in the making… this time, my making.
I glimpse something else – another shape, this one flailing frantically. Using every last ounce of strength, I propel myself towards it. It’s Phillipa, her eyes huge, as her limbs twitch and then fall still. I try desperately to get beneath her, and put my shoulder under her arm. I kick wildly, but even in the water she’s heavy. The green blur above me gets brighter, I kick harder. And then, together, we break through.
Luke comes back to the surface. I draw a breath and shout, but Phillipa’s weight pulls me back under. In a flurry of arms and splashing, he swims over to me. I pull her head back up above the water, willing her to take a breath.
‘Is she…?’ he says.
‘I don’t know.’
We haul her limp body to the side of the lake and out onto the bank. I hear voices in the distance. I pray that it’s the emergency services.
‘Over here,’ I yell. I try to remember what I learned in a first aid course for parents that I took when Katie was born, but my brain feels murky and slow. ‘I think we’re supposed to turn her on her side, is that right?’
‘OK. We need to get the water out if we can.’
Together, we turn her onto her side. A trickle of water comes out of her mouth but there’s no sign of her breathing. Ignoring the panic welling up inside of me, I ease her down onto her back. ‘We’ll need to try CPR,’ I say. ‘Do you know how?’
‘Pump her chest and breathe, I guess,’ Luke says.
Kneeling beside her, he pumps her sternum with the palms of his hand. I take a deep breath and blow into her mouth.
‘Come on, Phillipa,’ I yell, gasping between breaths. ‘Breathe!’
We switch places – I pump and he breathes. I pray frantically for some sign of life – but she’s taken in a lot of water.
We switch places again. Luke seems calm and in control, but I can sense as he pumps her chest even harder this time that he too is scared out of his wits.
‘Come on, Phillipa!’ I take her by the shoulders and shake her.
There’s a gurgling sound in her chest, and a stream of water comes out of her mouth. I take another deep breath and breathe into her mouth. I keep going, breathing in and out, until all of a sudden, she’s coughing and sputtering – and drawing a breath. She’s alive!
‘Let’s turn her onto her side again,’ Luke says.
We do so, and he whacks her back until she expels more water from her lungs. She continues to cough and wheeze.
‘Hello!’ a man’s voice calls out.
‘Over here!’ I cry.
Three emergency service workers in green uniforms break through the thicket. I’ve never been so happy to see anyone in my life. They’re carrying a stretcher, and I can hear more voices behind them.
One of the men comes forward to my side.
‘She was in the lake,’ I stammer. ‘We pulled her out and tried to give her CPR. I just hope…’
He bends over her, feeling her neck for a pulse. ‘We’ll take over from here,’ he says.
‘There’s another man too,’ Luke says. He points to the dovecote. ‘The floor collapsed under him. I think his leg might be broken.’
‘We’ll go have a look,’ one of the other paramedics says.
All of a sudden, the world seems to dip and sway. I’m clawing through the water, desperately trying to reach the light, with a great weight dragging me down…
‘I think I’m going to be sick,’ I gasp. The ground comes up hard beneath me.