GWEN

I wipe Vaan's release off his skin, my thoughts going everywhere at once. It's an intimate gesture, and he looks pleased at my touch. I have to admit to myself that it's not just out of kindness that I do this—I want to see if there are differences between his sperm and that of a human man’s. To my surprise, it's scorchingly hot, even through the fabric of the towel, but otherwise appears the same. The heat of it worries me a little, because it's hot enough to burn my skin and I don't like the thought of that being inside me, blistering me from within.

But…Amy doesn't seem injured, so maybe I'm worrying over nothing. God, I should have asked more questions.

I glance up at Vaan's face and my heart squeezes at the loneliness in his eyes. I feel like I failed him somehow. It's silly to think that it's my fault, but didn't we both just come? I know I was feeling good up until I saw the look on his face. Sex isn't something I've ever expected to enjoy much. I was too young for relationships in the Before, back when men gave a shit about pleasing their partners. In the After, sex is all about power, a bargaining chip between parties. I've had sex. It wasn't painful or forced, just another tool in the toolbox. But it also wasn't like anything I just experienced. Being with Vaan was…different.

It was everything. He had me in the palm of his hand the first time his mouth touched my pussy, and even though he was inexperienced, even the simplest touches were pleasurable. His mouth there felt ten times more intense than my hand on myself, and when I came, I came so hard I felt…changed. Like pieces slid into place.

Like that's how things are supposed to be.

It felt good and right. More than that, I feel sexy and beautiful and perfect. When he came, too, I held my breath because it felt like we shared that perfect moment.

But the sadness in his eyes tells me otherwise.

I'm failing him, somehow.

Mara says nothing in the morning. She's silent as we pack up, no doubt worried about her arrival at the fort that I've promised will be a safe haven for her. I suspect she thinks I'm just passing her off, but it's not true. If Fort Shreveport isn't a safe place for a woman alone, I don't know that there's a safe place anywhere in the After.

Her silence leaves me alone with my thoughts. I shove everything into my pack, thinking about Daniela and the fort. My sister's probably upset that I abandoned her…and yet I'm about to abandon her for a second time in favor of following Vaan away from the fort itself. She won't understand that I can't leave him behind. I can tell her that it's for her safety, but if I'm being honest with myself, I'm thinking about Vaan, too. We've grown close in the last while and I find that I reach for him at night and look for his smile first thing in the morning. I'm even starting to love the hard way he pets my head, just because there's so much fierce determination in his face when he does it, as if there's nothing more important in the world than stroking my hair.

As if my thoughts have summoned him, Vaan strolls through the room, heading toward me. Mara gives a little cough and pointedly averts her gaze from his nakedness. "Still no pants?"

"There's no point," I tell her. He's not going inside the fort, and the few times I've suggested clothing to him in the past have been met with looks of disdain. He doesn't see the need for them, and I guess a shapeshifting people wouldn't, really. Clothes would just get torn right and left. It's not normal for humans, but he's not human and he won't be around any but me. I actually don't mind his nudity anymore. It's kind of like seeing all the beautiful marble statues at a museum. I can admire the perfection of his form, sculpted like some sort of Greek god on Earth.

There's one part of him that's not like the old classical statues at all, though. One part that's a lot…bigger.

"You won't go in with me?" Mara asks, interrupting my increasingly dirty thoughts.

"It'll be all right," I tell her, my cheeks heating as Vaan strides toward me. I do my best not to stare at the parts of him she's deliberately looking away from, but I can't help but think of last night and how he gazed at me ravenously as he licked every inch of my pussy. Even now, I shiver thinking about it.

"Gwen." Vaan says my name in a tender, insistent sort of way. I smile at him, searching his gaze. The sadness and loneliness that were there last night have vanished, and I wonder if I imagined it. He comes up to me and gives me a fierce, possessive kiss that steals my breath and makes me stagger when he releases me.

"Hello to you, too," I manage.

He gestures at the sky and then his mouth, our shorthand for him needing to go hunting to eat. I nod, understanding, and he leans in and gives me another quick kiss, then paces away three steps and flings himself into the air. Mid-jump, he shifts to a massive gold dragon and flies away, leaving me with whipping hair and mixed emotions. I watch him go until he disappears between the roofs of the nearby buildings, then turn to Mara. "We should start walking."

She nods and shrugs her pack onto her back. "Ready."

My feet hurt and for some stupid reason, I hate seeing Vaan fly away. It makes me feel…abandoned. Needy. That is not good, Gwen, I chide myself. How am I supposed to make sense of his feelings when I can't even make sense of my own, though? I do know we can't fly in to Fort Shreveport, though, no matter how tired I am of walking. A dragon arrival will just send everyone into a panic. It's best to walk…it's just, does Vaan have to go hunting now? When I'm feeling all needy after last night?

Irritated at myself for my own wishy-washy emotions, I fling my pack on my shoulder. "Let's just go."

Mara and I walk in silence. She's rarely in a chatty mood, and this morning I'm not feeling like being a tour guide. I'm too focused on Vaan and my conflicting feelings.

His sad look last night.

The way he touched me.

The inexperienced way he touched me, as if he'd never been with another woman.

"I smell smoke," Mara says after a time.

"He's hunting," I reply, and then inwardly wince at how pissy my tone sounds.

"Ah," is all Mara says, and I feel like an even bigger ass for being short with her. It's not her fault I'm unsettled.

"I'm sorry," I say as we continue walking. "I'm really not used to all this."

She doesn't reply for a long while, and my thoughts tumble around themselves again. I wonder what Vaan is thinking about last night. I wonder if he's regretting what we shared and that's why he's distant. Or maybe I did something wrong. Maybe it wasn't good for him and that's why he's avoiding me…but then again, I don't even know if he's avoiding me. He kissed me this morning.

And yet I can't help but feel there's distance between us. I can't get that incredibly sad look on his face from last night out of my mind. Is it because he misses home? Regrets me? Is completely insane? I wish I had answers.

I wish Amy were here to bounce ideas off of. I can't help but feel there's something obvious that I'm missing, some clue that will make me understand Vaan better that I'm just not grasping.

Mara coughs into her hand, and in the breeze, the smell of smoke grows stronger. It makes me think of Vaan even more, and how beautiful he is both in dragon form and otherwise. How graceful and strong. The smooth lines of his back and the pattern on his golden body that looks like scales but when I touch him, it feels like skin.

"You guys fight?"

I glance over at Mara. "No, not really. It's just…complicated."

"Figured I'd ask considering if you break up, he's going to eat me."

I want to tell her she's wrong…but I don't know if she is. The thought's a sobering one. "I promise we haven't broken up. It's just complicated, like I said."

"Because you're not used to dragons?"

"Relationships," I admit.

"Relationships are easy. He demands you suck his dick and make him food, and you decide if he's worth it or you should find a better protector."

That's…awful. And far too accurate, considering her past relationships—and mine.

We continue walking. After another pause, she asks, "So. You're in a relationship with the dragon?"

"I think so. I don't know that he's getting much out of it, though."

"Mmm. Are you?" she asks, kicking aside an old soda can. Mara coughs again, the smoke bothering her.

That makes me think. Am I getting what I need? Ever since Vaan arrived, I've been struggling with feeling as if I've been exiled from the fort and everyone I know and love. I feel like I can't go back to them, and duty and guilt weigh heavily on me. Daniela needs her sister, and the fort needs a mayor to step in until Amy gets back. If nothing else, another set of hands would be helpful with the gardening, scavenging or monitoring the gate, because there's never enough people to do everything that needs to be done. I know our food stores were getting skimpy with more mouths to feed, but out here, I can't do anything about it.

And Daniela needs me. I hate that I have to keep reminding myself that my sister's traumatized and just escaped an awful situation. She's family. I should be there for her.

Instead, I'm running off with Vaan. I'm worried about Vaan. I'm thinking of a sexy dragon-man when I should be thinking about my pretty, fragile sister. I can't be in two places at once and I feel incredibly torn. I should be with Daniela. I should cross through the gates of the fort and never leave her side again.

But she has an entire fort to support and help her. Andrea will be there for her. Cass, Luz, the others—she has a support system.

Vaan has no one but me.

It's not enough of a reason, I know. It's not the right reason. But it's the one that moves me the most. It's not that I'm sacrificing myself to save Fort Shreveport—it's that Vaan needs me, and I feel like he's a creature that's not used to needing anyone. I shouldn't think of him over my sister…but it's different. So different.

"It's complicated," is all I say again, since Mara seems as if she wants an answer.

"Can't be that complicated. I heard you last night."

I stumble on a rock, embarrassment flaming over me. Of course she heard me. We weren't exactly trying to be quiet. I knew she was in the next room over. I just…didn't care much. Not when his face was between my thighs. "Ah…" Since she's so bluntly called it out—and me—I don't really know what to say.

"It's fine," she tells me, her voice as casual as ever. "If it makes you feel any better, I had one protector that liked for me to service him in a room full of other men so he could show off. Said if I didn't, he'd pass me around like a church offering plate."

Dear lord. I stop and stare at her in horror.

"It's okay," she tells me, her steps never pausing. "He's dead. Had an accident. Real shame." She smiles brightly.

I'm starting to think Mara's a harder nugget than I gave her credit for.

"Well, I'm glad you're here with me now," I say after a moment. "Do you miss the other guy? The one you were with?" It's the first time I've asked, and I feel ashamed. Maybe she loved him. Maybe he was good to her.

She only snorts.

I smile to myself. Maybe not.

"Sure you won't stay at the fort?" Mara asks.

"I can't. Vaan needs a friend."

"Everyone needs a friend."

It occurs to me that I'm an asshole. "Mara—"

She glances over at me, a smile crossing her dirty, thin face. "I'm teasing you. I don't need anyone, not really. I'm a survivor, even if it might not seem like it sometimes. I'll scurry on through. I can look after myself."

"You mean find a protector."

Mara shrugs, her feet crunching on a bit of gravel. "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man inside a fort must be in want of a dick-sucking."

"What?"

"Jane Austen. Kinda."

Weird. "Not many men in Fort Shreveport."

"Well, I've never hit up the ladies, but there's a first time for everything," Mara says cheerfully.

"You don't need a protector. You don't have to service anyone just to survive. We all look out for each other."

"Mmm." She doesn't sound convinced. Mara glances over at me. "Sure you won't come with me into the fort?"

I'm tempted, but only a little. I think of Daniela…and then I think of Vaan. Daniela's surrounded by people who love and care for her. Vaan's alone. "I need to stay with him. He needs me."

"Figured I'd ask anyhow."

"I know." I gaze down at the road, determined not to look back and scan the skies for Vaan. I don't want to seem too needy. Well, needier than I already am. Oddly enough, I miss having him here at my side, touching my hand and twining his fingers with mine. Such a small touch, but I find it's the small touches that linger in my mind.

"Are we close?"

"Pretty close." I hope Vaan returns soon. "Next exit ramp."

Mara coughs again. "Weird question, but is your fort supposed to be burning?"

I look up, startled. Sure enough, there's a column of black smoke dead ahead, right where Fort Shreveport is. My entire body freezes with terror. "Oh my god."