PLEASE CONFIRM RECEIPT OF THIS MESSAGE
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Dear Best Friend,
It is with a heavy heart that I write the first of what I can only imagine will be hundreds of emails detailing every second of our college-bound lives. I am extraordinarily proud of you and can’t wait for the entire city of Boston to both love and fear you. Just remember that NO ONE will ever love (or fear) you like I do.
Grow! Flourish! Experiment with things so I don’t have to. I will miss you every second of every day until you graduate a year early (hopefully) and return to me and the dry heat of the West Coast. Journalists can work anywhere, so don’t try to pull “I need to move to New York” four years from now. You know I barely survived during your summer program in Temecula.
I can already tell that I will hate everyone but you.
Sincerely,
Ava Helmer
(that brunette who won’t leave you alone)
P.S. My mother wants to make sure you bought a winter jacket. If not, she will ship you one using Amazon Prime.
Re: PLEASE CONFIRM RECEIPT OF THIS MESSAGE
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
We’re still in the same room, you weirdo.
Stop crying.
G
(the blonde who is really uncomfortable with large displays of emotion)
11:45 AM PST
Are you at the airport?
Hello?
I hope you’re at the airport because your flight takes off in 20 minutes.
Maybe your phone is dead. I hope your phone is dead and you are not dead.
8:51 PM EST
Landed.
Oh, thank God! I called your parents.
Sry. Phone died. Charged it. Fell asleep.
How was the flight? Do you want to come home?
Maybe in 4–6 months?? Hit on the steward & got some free peanuts.
Nuts are always free.
Depends on the kind …
Genevieve! Gross.
Did not blow the steward in the bathroom. If only for ur sake, my precious baby angel.
Plus he was gay.
I have to go pick out bedding with my mother. Call me when you get to your dorm.
I’ll text u.
Get something stainproof.
Just saw that. GROSS!
YOUR REPLACEMENT
Gen Goldman <GENX1999[email protected] >
to Ava
Just kidding. Shannon could never replace you. Mostly because her parents must be mental to name her Shannon. How are the Helmers BTW? Do they miss their favorite should-have-been daughter? Your dad emailed me Boston tips from his one business trip five years ago … Apparently, the Marriott bar has KILLER chicken wings.
Still haven’t heard from my parents. Hopefully they read my note. Can you be a runaway if you run away to a liberal arts college?
Back to my new BFF, Shannon. I hadn’t even put my bag down before she stood up on her bed, popped open one of the ceiling tiles, and pulled out a bag of weed. I can already tell that she is going to be a lot of fun. But only when she’s high.
Emerson isn’t really a college campus so much as two buildings and a theater. Which is perfect, because I didn’t even want to go to college. My RA says that the Boston Common (a big park) is our unofficial campus, but I’ve never seen a campus with so many meth heads.
I already love it here. I think I would blow my brains out if I was gated in somewhere with school spirit and a football team. It barely feels like school other than the optional classes. (JK. I know class is heavily encouraged.)
G
P.S. Don’t be mad, but I took a Lyft to the airport. The driver was not a creep but he did hug me good-bye so it was basically the same as having a going-away party.
Re: YOUR REPLACEMENT
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
You took a Lyft to the airport?????
Re: YOUR REPLACEMENT
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
On second reading, the horrible saga of you going to the airport by yourself isn’t even the worst part of that email. You can’t let Shannon keep drugs in your room! Do you want to get expelled?? Because you will! I read the handbook for you.
I’ve been nervous reading all day. I now know far too much about how to properly brew tea from some weird booklet my mom refused to throw out. I move into the dorms tomorrow. Part of me wants to get there super early and sanitize the entire room and the other part of me doesn’t want to go at all.
I know USC is only 13.1 miles from my house, but that’s like an hour and a half in traffic.
Is it too late to get homeschooled? Or does that not work for higher education?
Just kidding. I’ll be fine. Or I won’t be fine and then I’ll have to drop out and live in my parents’ guesthouse until I sell my first script about living in my parents’ guesthouse.
Thank God writers are meant to be crazy!
Ava
P.S. Flush the drugs. Seriously.
Re: YOUR REPLACEMENT
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
You’re not crazy. And I’m not flushing the drugs. They’re not my drugs to flush. I already snorted, ate, and mainlined all of MY drugs.
Re: YOUR REPLACEMENT
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I can’t believe my parents didn’t trust you for two and a half years.
A
P.S. What do drugs taste like? Asking for a friend.
Re: YOUR REPLACEMENT
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Please refer to this video of Prince performing “Purple Rain”:
7:14 PM PST
I think my mom is crying.
U can just sense it? Like a bat signal?
My mom doesn’t cry like a regular person. She just tightens up her face until the liquid squeezes out.
UR going to school 10 miles away
13.1.
You never listen to me.
2:03 AM EST
What was the picture you just sent? Have you been kidnapped by a blurry monster?
Girl who looks like you.
Why are you awake? It’s 2 AM?
At a party. Gonna go kiss your twin to make sure it’s not u.
It’s not me! Cease and desist!
2:11 AM EST
Gen?
That was a quick spiral into meth.
3:35 AM EST
Meth tastes great! Going to bed! Xoxox
I HAVE ARRIVED
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Do you remember the first day of freshman year (1.0) when I wore that weird sweater set and you spilled Diet Coke all over your white shirt, so I tried to give you my cardigan but you refused because only lame-ass bitches wear cardigans?
I wish that day was happening right now instead of this one.
My roommate, Jessica, is not very nice. And not in a I-have-a-rough-exterior-but-a-heart-of-gold Gen kind of way, but actually not nice. She asked me to take the left side of the room and then an hour later told me she wanted the left side. Which isn’t a big deal EXCEPT I had already cleaned the left side and started organizing all my plastic drawers. (I wish you would get plastic drawers, they are a life changer.)
Jessica is a marketing major.
I feel like no other description is necessary.
USC feels even bigger than when I visited. The whole campus is packed with security guards, which somehow does the opposite of making me feel safe. I tried to find all my classrooms for Monday, but I ended up in four different dining halls instead.
Yes. There are four dining halls. And they all serve the same food.
Maybe I should go find Meghan. I know she is boring and dumb, but at least she is a familiar boring and dumb.
The one good thing about this place is everyone seems to party all the time, so it won’t be hard to find out WHERE THE PARTY AT.
A
P.S. Are you dead?
11:16 PM EST
Abort Meghan. We just spent 4 years avoiding Meghan. Go meet new people.
You have great hair!
???
Just a confidence boost!
ADULTING
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
I was born to be an adult. Crushing this no-rules thing. Not that my house had many rules, but I felt like your mom was always watching. (What’s up, Ruth! Are you still reading Ava’s emails?!)
Anyway. Adult parties. I guess technically they are college parties, but more than five twenty-somethings made an appearance so I think it counts as a crossover.
Shannon took me to the baseball house in Allston, which I thought would be terrible but it’s not even a real baseball team. It’s just a bunch of guys who toss a ball around and make dinner together on Sundays. We stayed until 3 AM talking about Stop Making Sense and Spike Lee’s MJ documentary (which is basically a fluff piece).
Shannon kind of sucks except as a conduit to fun. But I met this badass literature chick, Molly, who is basically me with shorter hair. We drank gin and tonics and laughed whenever boys would try to get us to “toss some balls around.” (Believe it or not, this pickup line ACTUALLY WORKED on Shannon.)
Brace yourself:
Molly is bisexual, but I guess almost everyone here is. She was wearing an unofficial Emerson T-shirt that said “Gay by May or Your Money Back.” I think she has a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend. “Charlie” could go either way. Just like everyone else at this school!
BOOM!
G
Re: ADULTING
Ava Helmer <[email protected] >
to Gen
That was a really great joke. Setup. Punch line. Are you sure you want to write actual news and not buddy comedies with me in Screenwriting 101?
For such a select group of young writers, most of the kids in my elite BFA program are fucking weirdos. We had an orientation, and half of my class said The Shawshank Redemption was their favorite movie. That can’t be true, right? Some of those people probably haven’t even seen that dreadful movie.
I couldn’t pick between Little Miss Sunshine and The Sapphires. But no one had heard of The Sapphires so LMS won by default. I was worried about talking too much during the introductions so now I think I talked too little. People would just think I’m shy if I didn’t have such harsh features that make me look like a bitch.
Am I a bitch? Does being judgmental automatically make you a bitch?
Looking forward to your thoughts and notes.
A
P.S. You went to a BASEBALL party? Who are you anymore?
Re: ADULTING
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
You are NOT a bitch. You just have taste. And high cheekbones.
Please refer to the baddest bitch in the game for assurance: NICKI MINAJ DEFENDS HER PERSONALITY & DENIES BEING A BITCH!
Re: ADULTING
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Oh, Nicki Minaj. Once again reminding us what it means to be a boss.
9:42 AM PST
Sitting in my first official college class.
I’m the only one here.
Do you think I’m in the wrong place?
How early are u?
Only 15 minutes!
18 minutes!
UR in the right place. UR just a nerd.
Does no one else have panic attacks that they’re going to arrive late and ruin their lives so they overcompensate by arriving extremely early?
I’m sure someone else does. And ull prob marry them.
I wish!
Someone else showed up! I’m in the right place!
Are you sure it’s not Nick Fury about to invite you into “The Avengers”?
Couldn’t tell ya!
ACADEMIA
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Day one complete! So far I have learned … nothing! Intro to Screenwriting was basically an extension of that uncomfortable orientation, and Symbols and Conceptual Systems 101 was even more confusing than its name. I’m starting to think the entire Thematic Option Honors program is just an excuse to keep the loser kids away from the jocks in regular GEs to avoid physical assault lawsuits. (Yes, I am calling myself a loser. Which is OK because in five or six years losers will be cool. At least in LA.)
I can’t believe I only have two classes in an entire day! What am I supposed to do with the rest of this time? I’m used to six classes, one study hall, and a night of extracurriculars and homework. I don’t do well with this much free time. I need structure. I should have signed up for 20 credits. Scratch that, I should have failed senior year and gone back to SMHS.
How was your first day? Did you uncover further corruption in the Catholic Church? Spotlight is begging for a sequel.
I am so bored. It’s my first week of college and I’m already bored. Maybe I’ll go home this weekend? My dad probably needs a tennis partner.
Your tiresome friend,
A
P.S. I think college might be a pyramid scheme. Think about it.
Re: ACADEMIA
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Glad to hear you are having such a great time! Make sure you pick up a book in between all those shots of Patron.
You’re not boring. You’re guarded and unusual and a little bit unbalanced, but you’re not boring. I’m not BFF with boring people. It would ruin my highly crafted Tumblr brand.
Do you know who IS boring? Shannon. She’s already obsessed with that guy from the baseball house and wants us to go back tonight. I can only handle so much hypermasculinity masquerading as heterosexuality.
My classes were fine. I think. Slept through part of Earth Science: Natural Disasters. I already know that humans survive. Unfortunately.
Don’t go home this weekend. That’s like admitting defeat before the Hulk even breaks your heart, Black Widow. (UGH. I hated that story line.)
Listen. I know that no one will ever compare to me, but try to make a new friend. Even if it’s just to suck their blood.
Don’t want to destroy you, but your dad has plenty of tennis partners. I know all about them from that one time he drove me to the DMV. Stan is the best player but Mark is the most consistent.
HUGS AND KISSES AND FEMINISM,
G
Re: ACADEMIA
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Mark’s second serve is complete shit.
12:07PM PST
Can I sit with total strangers in the dining hall without looking like an idiot?
Week 3? No. Week 1? Sure.
Hot blondes or nerdy engineering students?
Engineers. Think long term.
Wish me luck.
Sending you empowerment instead.
Would prefer luck.
1:13PM PST
I might have made friends!
Ask them to build you a bridge. Then you’ll know for sure.
I went with the blondes.
Pussy.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
I did cocaine.
Before you freak out (!), please read the rest of this email and remember that I must be fine because I have the capacity to write this email.
It all started at the … baseball house. Yes, I went back again. Mostly as an exercise in boredom and to get Shannon out of our room. I figured I would drop her off with Mike the meaty outfielder and return to catch up on The 100. But, much like my horoscope predicted, Saturn was providing returns.
As soon as I entered the house, and recoiled from weed-infused BO, I saw Molly. (ICYMI, Molly is that hot bisexual girl from the first bball party.) She was already drunk and making fun of all the boys’ tight pants. And I quote: “Obviously male sports is just a socially acceptable way for males to exhibit homosexual tendencies without repercussions.” Most of the guys laughed it off (two of them even kissed), but Shannon’s jerk Mike wasn’t having it.
Molly was going to another party anyway, so we left together.
I thought I had been to parties before. Birthday parties. Bar mitzvahs. That weird lunch when your mom was elected PTA president.
I was wrong. THIS was a PAR-T.
We took the train to the South End (think WeHo) and walked a few blocks to this graduate student’s apartment. Graduate students are the shit because they’re stunted enough to stay students but mature enough to know how to buy drugs and not get arrested.
Molly knew everyone there, confirming my suspicions that she is the coolest person at Emerson. Which is a true accomplishment considering the co-creator of Friends is a professor. (Working on getting you an autograph.)
I think I finally found my people. You are my person, but these are MY PEOPLE. I think everyone there had already had sex with each other. Not at once, but MAYBE at once??
The guys acted like girls and the girls acted like they hated the guys. It was the best.
Anyway. Back to the drugs. Since I’m sure you did a CTRL + F as soon as you opened this.
Molly was in a bit of a mood from the beginning. I think that boy/girl Charlie was blowing her off, so she wanted to have fun regardless of her mental state. Apparently, cocaine has this magical ability to override all feelings. I think that must be why people are addicted to it;)
After two shots of vodka, Molly wanted more. Not more shots. Thank God. Vodka is terrible. You would hate it. It tastes like nail polish remover smells.
Anywayyyyyy. I’m talking to this guy about self-driving cars (they’re happening, FYI) when Molly appears with this grin on her face. She wants to go to the bathroom. Together. Cue PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER MUSIC.
We patiently wait in this long line so we can do our coke like polite people. But when we finally get inside, the last thing we want to do is inhale. (Classic Gen poop joke! I will never outgrow these.) We were still committed to the cocaine. Actually, I don’t know if I was committed or just going with the flow. Molly could have pulled out two Ring Pops and I would have been equally down.
But it wasn’t Ring Pops. It was cocaine, and Molly spread it out on the counter delicately, perfectly dividing it with her student ID. It was very sweet. She then asked me for a dollar bill because we are lit but not like fifty-dollar-bill cocaine lit. Yet.
She went first and then I dive-bombed into a life of seedy glamour. I think I am now addicted to cocaine and will proceed to use all of my life’s saving to procure more of it even if I have to sell my body.
JUST KIDDING. It sucked.
It didn’t suck, but it wasn’t much of anything. My teeth felt numb and I couldn’t go to bed until 5. I talked a bit faster but I wasn’t any smarter.
Overall, I would give cocaine 2 stars.
Gen
P.S. I looked it up and the cocaine import business is awful. I am now a cocaine conscientious objector.
7:32 AM PST
Call me.
GEN!!
Re: THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I can’t believe you didn’t answer my four calls. Either you are in class or too ashamed of your hooligan actions to face me.
Also, are you insane? Emerson is clearly reading your emails and now they have proof that you’ve snorted Cherry Cola. (This is a code word.)
Why are you doing this? Is this a cry for help?
I knew your dysfunctional family was going to have a long-term impact on your life, but I thought it wouldn’t become apparent until later when you’d already made a name for yourself at some journal and had a small nest egg. (Remember to invest. Otherwise your money is just sitting around.)
To be fair, I called you the first three times before I finished reading the email and still thought you were a blossoming addict. Now I am a bit calmer, but DON’T FOR ONE SECOND THINK YOU CAN PULL THIS SHIT AGAIN! Cherry Cola is dangerous! Your mind is a precious vessel that carries all of my most favorite thoughts and feelings. You must protect it at all costs.
Do whatever you want with your body.
A
Re: THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Hahahahahahahahahahaha
No one is reading my emails. And we joke about drugs all the time. #meth
Re: THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
It’s almost like you didn’t make me watch the Edward Snowden documentary four times.
Re: THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
#celebritycrush
2:34 PM PST
I almost beat my dad. 4–6!
You went home????
My parents needed me. I’m the glue that holds them together.
Also my dorm’s laundry room makes my clothes dirtier.
So send your clothes out! And make out on a washer!
With who? Myself?
Love URself.
I’d rather go home.
Hard to masturbate there. Fo sho.
10:17 PM EST
Creep alert!
I was just liking your photos! You don’t want me to like your photos?!
No! Not that!
Please like all my photos.
I ran into Grabby Igor.
Nooooooooooo
Did he grab you?
Almost immediately.
He’s a sophomore at BU.
He has a GF.
WHAT!
You have to save her! She must be brainwashed!
I tried to give her signals (wink once for help, wink twice for Mace), but she seemed to actually like him?????
Grabby Igor has a girlfriend and I’m at home with my parents.
You CHOSE to be at home with your parents.
Go grab someone.
Maybe.
CRAZY IDEA
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I think I must be losing my mind (again, I know), but what would you say if I tried to join a sorority?
Actually. I know what you’ll say. So I have prepared a rebuttal. With the dual purpose of simultaneously convincing myself that this is not my worst idea since joining that middle-age pottery class.
1) Gross
a. Yes. The very idea of a sorority is gross. Paying for friends. Reinforcing the gender binary. Heels. BUT isn’t feminism about reclaiming our lives and supporting each other? Isn’t a sorority the original safe space?
2) The people
a. Again, yes. Most sorority girls are stereotypically vapid or, worse, pretending to be vapid. But USC has such a strong Greek culture that basically everyone here is rushing and not everyone can be a complete loser. Right?? Statistically that can’t be possible.
b. Elizabeth Banks, Lucy Liu, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus were all in sororities! (Thanks, BuzzFeed.)
3) The mandatory parties
a. Right. The parties. This is the hardest thing for me to wrap my brain around, but I think I need to start viewing my social life as a requirement instead of an option. Being part of a house will give me a weird structure whereby I know what parties to attend, when to attend them, and who to attend them with. If any of the socials have ice cream it almost seems bearable!
4) It’s a sorority
a. Right. Please see above.
In other news, Jessica had sex in our room last Thursday while I was also in the room. That’s the real reason I went home. I was just too mortified to say it or type it until this moment.
I HEARD SEX! IT SOUNDS WEIRD!
Ava
Re: CRAZY IDEA
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Did you watch? I bet you watched.
Congrats on your first threesome.
Re: CRAZY IDEA
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
That’s all you took from my email????
Re: CRAZY IDEA
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
AND EVERYTHING I SAW WAS AGAINST MY WILL.
Re: CRAZY IDEA
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
You’ll be fine. I once saw my mom going down on my dad, and I’m still around to talk about it. (The cocaine addiction helps.)
I was mulling over my response regarding this “hypothetical sorority.”
I think you should do it. If you hate it, you’ll quit. And if you love it, we have to stop being friends. But you won’t even notice because you’ll be so immersed in the sisterhood.
Kappa Alpha Puke!
I’m proud of you.
G
P.S. Don’t let them circle your fat with a Sharpie.
Re: CRAZY IDEA
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Really? That’s it? I’m not going to have to convince you with a series of long emails, GIFs, and links to The House Bunny?
I’m starting to think you don’t care about me anymore.
Re: CRAZY IDEA
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
New email. Who dis?
Re: CRAZY IDEA
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
JK TIMES 1,000!
I DO care about you. That’s why I want you to go out there and make mistakes. (Like joining a sorority.)
I want hot pics from your fall mixer.
Re: CRAZY IDEA
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
You’re bad at being supportive.
6:12 PM EST
Send me that paper you wrote last year on “Gender Politics in Soviet Russia.”
Why?
I’m gonna turn it in.
Go away.
SOS
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Just had my first therapy session. USC gave me a therapist in training. I’ve been in therapy longer than she has been a therapist.
OY
Re: SOS
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Did you give her your streamlined “This is what is wrong with me and this is how we have to fix it”?
Re: SOS
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Yes. And she just nodded. Looks like I’m going to have to therapize myself.
POOF! I’m no longer afraid of dirt or consumed with obsessive thoughts!
I’m pretty much an X-Man.
Re: SOS
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
It’s X-MEN.
Congrats on such a speedy recovery.
4:37 PM EST
How can you tell if someone is hitting on you?
HA! You sent this to Ava.
I know. But I need help. This TA asked me to come to her office hours.
You are in school. That is a normal thing. Send a smoke signal if she invites you to her bedroom.
Copy.
Did you already fail something?
TBD.
OLDER WOMEN
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Is there a time machine available for private use? I know I should probably use it to kill Hitler or something, but I sort of just want to blast forward into my late 20s. Maybe even 30 if I don’t get crow’s feet.
Charlotte (my TA) is a goddess. I can’t pin her exact age, but it’s somewhere past caring what people think and a few years before being completely out of touch with current music. She works nights at the Globe news desk and has her own police radio. Basically a real-life superhero.
Turns out, I am not failing anything. I am doing the opposite of failing. I am standing out. Which is extra hard since most of my classmates have neon hair.
Charlotte called me into her office to tell me I should start writing for the Beacon (school newspaper). She was the editor in chief during her undergrad and apparently, “Classes are for parents. The Beacon is for journalists.”
The first meeting of the year is tonight. I’m going to wear a blazer and not smile once. Charlotte said she would copyedit my first few assignments. Just so I don’t make a complete ass of myself.
Finally someone around here appreciates my God-given gift for the written word.
MEEP!
G
P.S. Please do not point out my embargo on extracurricular activities. This counts more like an internship. With actual bylines your mom can print out.
Re: OLDER WOMEN
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
As I live and breathe, Genevieve Goldman has become a company man! Congratulations on having a goal and following through with it! (Maybe I shouldn’t jinx it. Not exactly sure what time the meeting is.)
I think writing for the Beacon (established 1881 with notable alums including Thomas Jefferson and Genevieve Goldman) is a great idea! It’s so important for you to be involved in something other than drugs.
Charlotte sounds like the perfect kind of arrogant to be a good mentor. Just don’t overstay your welcome during those office hours. She probably has a lot of older woman stuff to do, like moisturizing her elbows.
Re: OLDER WOMEN
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Do people really moisturize their elbows?
Re: OLDER WOMEN
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Oh, yeah! Moisture is the first line of defense against aging! That’s why I’m always so slippery.
7:42 PM EST
There are only 3 women on staff here.
One is the lifestyle editor and the other 2 are copy editors.
Are you going to strike?
Not yet. Have to infiltrate from the inside first. And buy a hat.
Why a hat?
NEWSIES
G2G
Seize the day!
Number disconnected.
5:29 PM PST
Did you get the photo?
Which one? You sent 12.
I’m panicking.
Can I pull off yellow? Or do I look like a ghost?
Imagine if you were a ghost this whole time. That would be so cool.
GEN! My first rush event is in one hour! Now is not the time!
The red dress. Lucky photo number 7.
THANK YOU.
I knew it.
GO GREEK!
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Imagine fifty blond girls singing “hello” to you while you’re ushered into a mini-mansion surrounded by twenty other overwhelmed freshmen and one sophomore who couldn’t get into a house last year.
BECAUSE THAT WAS MY DAY.
And to think I had social anxiety before.
The best way I could describe rushing is a mixture of speed dating and job interviews. (Not that I have ever done either really.)
The girls talk to you as a group and then you get broken up into duos where you have to act like being a Kappa Kappa Gamma has been your dream since childhood even though you just learned the name Kappa Kappa Gamma two hours ago.
The entire concept is elitist and hierarchical and I MUST GET IN. I know. It’s pathetic. But that’s just human nature. As soon as you are told something is hard to get, you want it more. Like when you wanted to date Joel Simpson even though he was SUPER gay.
I don’t think I made a complete fool of myself, but it’s impossible to tell because all the girls were smiling the whole time. Yes. The entire time. I think they must do some sort of cheek exercise during prerush week. Yes. That is a thing. I can only imagine that it involves a lot of dieting and hand-holding.
Anyway. I went to five of the ten houses today. I do the second half tomorrow. And then I put down my top five choices and they put down their top choices and then maybe there is some crossover? If not, I get stuck going to the shitty houses, which will lead to a lifetime of shame and regret. I know it’s 2017, but if I don’t get called back to Delta Gamma at least once, I’m going to yell anti-Semitism.
My head is spinning. It’s like college applications all over again but compacted into one day without the luxury of hiding behind your computer screen.
What if no one picks me at all? I’ll be fine if I don’t make it into the best house by the end or end up with my third choice, but what if I don’t even get into the second round??? I asked my rush adviser if this is possible and she said it’s never happened before.
Until now.
Ava
Re: GO GREEK!
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Remember when you thought you weren’t going to get into USC?
Remember when you thought you weren’t going to get into the film school at USC?
Remember when you thought you weren’t going to get into a stupid f-ing sorority at USC?
If you have short-term memory loss, will you tell me?
Any one of these faux sisterhoods would be lucky to have you. And if they can’t see that IMMEDIATELY, they will regret it when you’re accepting an Oscar for best original screenplay about a sorority that’s secretly a terrorist cell. (That’s good! You can use that.)
Take a deep breath. Loofah all your anxiety away and remember that every awful moment becomes a great story later.
ALSO, you have the benefit of fictionalizing your life. I just report the news.
11:39 PM EST
How’s it going?
My mouth hurts.
From smiling? Or sucking D?
Why would I have to “suck D” to get into a sorority full of women?
Gender is not confined to sex organs.
Have you learned nothing from me?
I’ve been rushing for two days and I’m already dumber.
FUCK ME
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
So, I’m sorry to throw this at you during what I can only imagine is a tumultuous time where women sit around and judge you on shallow aspects of your looks and personality, but I am officially in crisis.
I got my first assignment for the news desk and … It’s not pretty. There’s a new dean of communications. My editor, Kent, told me to call him up and write a fluff piece. He didn’t say “fluff piece,” but that’s basically the same as “profile.” But then I open up my stupid laptop, because you’ve turned me into an overachiever, and I Google the guy. That’s it. That’s all I do. A quick Google. To see if maybe he plays the ukulele? Or some other innocent hobby I can put in the profile.
What comes up?
A SEXUAL HARASSMENT LAWSUIT
That’s right! The guy was booted from his last job for groping a student, and my dumb-ass college hired him.
Does our HR department never get to the third page of Google?
So now I have to decide if I should be a whistle-blower or not. Should I ask this creep about the lawsuit, or should I focus on the ukulele?
HELP!
Did I mention that the interview is in 1 hour?
Re: FUCK ME
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
While I love that you come to me for advice and guidance, maybe you should be asking your editor these questions instead?
Also, ew. The real world is awful.
Re: FUCK ME
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
YOU’RE A GENIUS.
P.S. I might have thrown up.
Re: FUCK ME
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
UPDATE! This is my Watergate.
My editor, Kent, started whooping when I showed him the article. Apparently nothing interesting has happened on this campus since the theater school put on Miss Saigon with all white kids.
They want me to go about the interview as though it’s a standard fluff piece (this time Kent, my editor, actually said “fluff piece”) and then BAM. Hit him with the lawsuit question.
I’m freaking out but I think in a good way.
Will report back. (See what I did there?)
Genevieve Goldman
Investigative Journalist
Re: FUCK ME
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Remember me when you’re giving TED Talks.
Re: FUCK ME
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Holy shit. He freaked out. He started denying everything and called the girl a hussy. A HUSSY. Can you believe it? I’m basically Rachel Maddow right now, and the year is 1955.
Kent, my editor, wants the entire article to be a take-down piece attacking our administration for allowing a known predator among female students. 500 words. On the cover. Maybe more on the website.
I’m gonna ask Charlotte for help. It’s due in 2 days.
Pray for me.
Re: FUCK ME
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I just prayed to every “known” entity. But you don’t need organized religion. You just need you!
I’m crying a little bit. I’m either really proud or really hungry.
10:14 AM PST
What’s a good song to listen to when you’re depressed but don’t like sad music?
“Fuck You” by Lily Allen.
You OK?
TBD.
THE COMPLETE MORTIFICATION OF AVA HELMER (1999–PRESENT)
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
1) Birth. I poop inside my mom’s womb. I obviously don’t remember this. But I do remember all the times my mom talked about it at family events.
2) Kindergarten. I try to sit on the teacher’s lap during naptime. She tells me that is inappropriate. In front of the entire class.
3) Third grade. Becky Olsberg and Laura Jenner invite me over for a playdate. We share secrets. I confess that sometimes I eat flowers. They tell everyone that I am secretly a horse trapped in a girl’s body.
4) All of middle school.
5) Jordan F. asks me to come over to his house to ask me about you. (Did I ever tell you this? I knew you hated Jordan F. so I might have kept that as a silent shame until now. Oh, no. What if you DIDN’T hate Jordan F. and I ruined your one shot at true happiness as well as any chance of you staying in California for college? He goes to Stanford. I love him so much.)
6) Prom. You remember.
7) Day 3 of rushing. When I find out that only 3 of 10 houses want me back. EVEN THOUGH THE AVERAGE IS 7! Only getting asked back to 3 houses in the second round is unheard of. I’m mortified.
a. One of those houses, Pi Phi, is like the COOLEST house on campus, so they have obviously just invited me back to be nice. Or as a cruel joke. (Please refer to #3 above.)
I don’t even want to go back to rush. If I do, I’ll feel like I’m asking for it. (Not sexually; I know women can’t actually do that.)
I want to cry, but stupid Jessica won’t leave the room!
A dead person, formerly known as Ava Beth Helmer
P.S. I’m already crying. Just really softly.
Re: THE COMPLETE MORTIFICATION OF AVA HELMER (1999–PRESENT)
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Are you kidding me???? I could have been married to Jordan F. by now?
My last name could have been Facker?
I’m never speaking to you again after this utter betrayal.
Re: THE COMPLETE MORTIFICATION OF AVA HELMER (1999–PRESENT)
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
JK JK. You told me about that Jordan F. thing immediately after it happened. You cried on the way home and I bought you fro-yo. Honestly, I’m the most hurt you don’t remember the fro-yo. I asked for whipped cream and everything.
Take a deep breath and remember: college students are idiots. You wouldn’t trust these girls to make you a coffee, why would you trust their character assessment?
Also, you got asked back to 3 houses! And 1 is cool?! Which is a shock to me because I assumed all sororities are inherently UNCOOL!
Maybe this Pie Phi house is the coolest because they have the smartest girls, and those smart girls are about to see how insanely awesome you are. Ever thought of that? Harry Potter was rejected 8 times before Bloomsbury published one of the greatest gifts to Muggle kind.
Never give up. Never surrender.
(Unless you realize sororities are lame and YOU don’t want to be a part of THEM.)
Gen
P.S. Now I really want fro-yo.
Re: THE COMPLETE MORTIFICATION OF AVA HELMER (1999–PRESENT)
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I just found out that Jessica was rejected from Pi Phi. This somehow makes me feel better.
I am a bad person.
But a bad person who wasn’t rejected from Pi Phi. (Yet.)
A
8:52 PM EST
Did you know that they make vinegar pie?
And avocado pie?
I would stay away from green grape pie. Seems like a choking hazard.
…
Some conversation topics if you run out of things to say at the pie house.
You are not helping.
I love pie!!!!!!!!!!
I AM NOT WORTHY
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Have I mentioned that Charlotte is a goddess? I emailed her my first draft of the article and she completely tore it to shreds. I went to her apartment to go over the edits and realized that I know absolutely nothing about writing a good story.
I buried the fucking lede! Even Midwestern moms know not to do that!
Her vocabulary is insane. Also, word flow. Who knew how much that mattered? I thought reporting was all fact, period, fact, period. NOT THE CASE. She gave me a book by Adrian Nicole LeBlanc that reads like fiction. I’ll be an artist yet!
I spent 2 hours with her. Redlining. It felt like 5 minutes.
I think this article might be really good. Like good enough to get me in trouble. And maybe a spot on the staff. Waiting to hear back from my editor, Kent. But I’ll be shocked if he doesn’t love it. It’s insanely provocative.
Did you know you can use wine corks to make a vision board? Well, you can. And it looks awesome.
Charlotte = goddess
G
Re: I AM NOT WORTHY
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I get it. You hate Charlotte.
I can’t wait to read this thing! I hope it brings down the entire establishment and Emerson folds and you move home and attend USC’s prestigious Annenberg School for Communication and Journalism.
Couple of things.
1) Why did you go to her apartment? Is that allowed? Seems weird. Especially the vision board.
2) I know your editor is named Kent. But you can keep referring to him as your editor, Kent, if it makes you feel cool.
SO PROUD! My little rebel is growing up.
Ava
9:24 AM EST
Greetings from inside my Earth Science teacher’s bathroom. Taking a shower.
I can’t tell if you’re joking.
Emerson is VERY liberal.
Ooooooo! A loofah!
Picture or it didn’t happen.
DrOPeD PhONe iN WaTEr.
CaN NOt CoMpUTe.
ROUND TWO BITCHES
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Do I sound like a Pi Phi yet? Don’t worry. None of them actually talk like that. Or if some of them do, they’re kept in the back during rush.
Got the results from round two and ALL three houses asked me back! I’m officially caught up! You’re allowed a maximum of three houses for Sisterhood Day. (Remember that month I ignored your obsession with Fuller House? Please do me the same courtesy with Sisterhood Day.)
I feel high. Or what I imagine high to feel like. God damn, it feels good to be wanted. (In a nonsexual way, by a bunch of college girls who love to DIY.)
In related news, I think I have made an actual film school friend. Her name is Sophia and she’s in my Introduction to Cinema class. Her mom is from Portugal and her dad is from Mexico but she grew up in New York, which already makes her 100 times more interesting than me. She wants to write international thrillers, so already I don’t understand our blossoming friendship. I think she might be one of those people who say “You’re funny” without actually laughing. Her boyfriend is at NYU so I think she is bored and lonely. I can relate to bored and lonely! We’ve already eaten lunch together three times and one dinner followed by a movie. I don’t want to count my chickens before they hatch, but I think she likes me.
If I believed in bullshit astrology, I’d think Mercury was in retrograde or something!
Ava
Re: ROUND TWO BITCHES
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Mercury in retrograde is a bad thing. I think the phenomenon you’re thinking of is caused by Saturn returning. Though it’s a bit early for that. According to all the bullshit I very much believe in.
This is all great news! And just days after “The Complete Mortification of Ava Helmer (1999–Present)”! I knew it was too early to publish! You have so much life and mortification ahead!
Maybe one day a small baby will shit inside YOU!
Sophia sounds cool? I don’t like people who don’t laugh. What are they hiding? Other than a really obnoxious laugh?
I do like people who grew up in NYC. She can continue to give you that dose of edge that you are missing now that I’m gone. What’s the deal with the BF? Are they open? Everyone at Emerson is open. It’s wild. But makes a lot of biological sense.
Too bad Patrick insisted on monogamy for those two months we “dated” junior year. I could have had a lot of fun with his teammates.
Going out with Molly again tonight. Will try my best not to get high on Cherry Cola.
XOXO & EQUALITY.
Gen
8:59 PM PST
What’s 24 times 57?
I have no fucking idea.
Good. A high-on-Cherry-Cola Gen would have just guessed.
Be safe!
1,743
LIKE A CHIC-A-CHERRY COLA
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Greetings from the ER. My stomach was successfully pumped. Most of my brain cells should return in the next 7–8 years. Or did they say months? Too damaged to remember.
Did you believe that at all? Probably for a second. Or, knowing you, you still believe it and are calling all the ERs in the Boston area.
To recap: I’m fine. Molly and I got a little drunk and silly, but other than that it was an early night. Shannon was out with an infielder to make that outfielder jealous, so we just came back to my room around midnight to watch Doctor Who. She had never seen it before so I showed her “Vincent and the Doctor.”
We both cried.
Re: LIKE A CHIC-A-CHERRY COLA
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
She had never seen Doctor Who before?? I thought we liked this girl.
Remember last summer when you made me watch the entire reboot? I don’t. Because I was asleep.
I’m glad that your dalliance into hard cola has finished. Now you still have war stories but all of your teeth.
In Greek news, I just found out I’m still in the running for house of pies! Today is the last event (Preference Day) and then tomorrow we get our bids. There is a rumor that all the fraternity boys hold up signs to rank our attractiveness as we run to our new house, but I have to assume that started from some teen comedy and not real life. (PLEASE LET ME GET ABOVE A 6!)
Sophia from screenwriting thinks sororities are dumb, which honestly makes me like her more.
Go, Trojans! (Just testing it out. I hear football games are mandatory.)
Ava
9:01 PM EST
Kent, my aforementioned editor, LOVES the story. It’s going front page tomorrow!
Send me the link!
MY LAST WILL AND TESTEMENT
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I will never eat a slice of pie again. Which will probably be easy since I plan to take my own life. (I know you’ve said that formerly suicidal teens aren’t allowed to make suicide jokes, but fuck you, this is all I have.)
Spoiler alert: I DIDN’T GET INTO PI PHI.
I received a bid from stupid Gamma Phi instead. Which is like the second to worst house on the row.
I’m honestly embarrassed to ask my parents to pay for such lame friends.
10:42 PM EST
Still alive?
For now.
Gamma Phi. Pi Phi. Seems pretty similar.
You don’t understand. They’re all losers.
How?
They’re lame.
But why?
BECAUSE THEY’RE LOSERS
Ava.
I’M A LOSER NOW TOO
Awwwww
You were always a loser.
The votes hadn’t been officially tallied.
You’re crazy.
Call me whenever my nonclassist best friend returns.
SEE YOU NEVER
MEA CULPA
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Hi. This is your former best friend, Ava, who briefly lost her mind yesterday and turned into a horrible judgmental monster. The original Ava is back, albeit ashamed.
I’m not going to say that the girls in Gamma Phi aren’t losers, but I will apologize for calling them that. So aggressively. In all caps.
I decided to attend Bid Night mostly because I wanted to save face in front of Jessica, who got into Kappa, which was her first choice the whole time. (Roommates are the worst.)
I showed up at the house and everyone was so goddamn excited. They must have had short-term memory loss, because I guarantee at least half of them wanted a bid from a different house an hour ago. Anyway, I felt like I had to fake it too, and within 30 minutes I had tricked myself into feeling something close to happiness. (I think this must be how sororities work. Fake smiles/behavioral conditioning/Stockholm syndrome.)
We were all given identical tank tops and told to put them on. Even though I’d been wearing a long-sleeved shirt because the desert is cold at night. I had to stuff my shirt in my purse and walk around with that ridiculous blue bra you made me buy showing.
After so many hugs with people I was not ready to touch, the partying began. Not at the house, because you can’t party at sororities, but at our brother fraternity, ZBT. (I can’t believe I just said OUR. The Kool-Aid goes down quick.)
We arrived at ZBT to a line of freshman pledges handing out tropical punch and leis. The party had a jungle theme and probably at least one case of date rape. (I’m joking. I hope.)
I didn’t take the punch because, obviously, but I did take a beer, since it comes sealed.
It. Was. Awful. How do people drink more than one of them at a time? DISGUSTING.
Overall, it was an experience. A bona fide college experience. I even stayed past midnight. (12:05 to be exact.)
I would rate the night 3 out of 5 stars.
I hope you can forgive me and see that I have changed. Or changed back.
Ava
P.S. I met a cute boy and we talked alone for 20 minutes but it probably meant nothing.
Re: MEA CULPA
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT BURYING THE LEDE?!
Who is the boy?? How cute is he??? What does his dick look like??
If you don’t answer two of those questions I will never forgive you for turning into Regina George yesterday.
I’m glad you’re giving the losers a second chance. Imagine if I hadn’t given you one;)
Also: “New Dean of Communications Failed to Communicate His Past”
G
DEAR MISS CAPOTE
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Your article was … AMAZING. So biting yet objective. I felt like I was presented with facts and then left to draw my own conclusion. The conclusion being: this guy needs to get fired!
OH MY GOD! Imagine if you get that guy fired. That would be so impressive. I think I would pass out from the guilt, but you have a better constitution than me.
Wow! Just wow!
“It brings into question the great lengths the administration goes to selecting its student body versus the lax vetting of its faculty.”
BOOYAH!
I’m sending it to my entire family. Your parents will want to read it too. (I hope. I never know what to expect from them.)
You deserve an award. I’ll look for one on Etsy.
Your secret admirer,
Ava
Re: DEAR MISS CAPOTE
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
TELL ME ABOUT THE BOY BEFORE I STRANGLE YOU.
Re: DEAR MISS CAPOTE
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Hahahaha
Sorry. I don’t know what to say because I don’t know if the entire thing was in my head. I guess I will start by setting the scene.
Did I mention I’m currently in Screenwriting 101?
The night: black. The stars: I’m not sure. We were inside.
I was sort of hanging back, taking it all in, possibly planning an escape, when the guy, Jake, started talking to me. Apparently he’s a sophomore production major who recognized me from the film school Coffee Bean.
Is it insane that this is the most flattered I have EVER been? I mean it’s not an inherently good thing to be recognized. I recognize awful people all of the time, but he probably wouldn’t have talked to me if he recognized me for being awful, right?
I think the conversation went well? It was pretty standard. Where you from? What do you like to watch? Will you have my baby? (I think I just implied the last thing with my eyes.)
I don’t know. I don’t know how to interpret boy stuff without you watching it and interpreting it for me.
Although, come to think of it, none of your interpretations have been particularly helpful either.
I must be a lost cause.
Don’t look for me.
Re: DEAR MISS CAPOTE
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
That got dark. REAL fast.
I need more details. How did the conversation end? What is his Instagram?
Re: DEAR MISS CAPOTE
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I don’t know his Instagram. Or his last name. Night ended with him being called off to play beer pong by one of his brothers. He told me to watch, but I said I had to go home because I need a lot of sleep to maintain a balanced mental state.
Re: DEAR MISS CAPOTE
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I’M A LOSER! I DON’T EVEN DESERVE TO BE A GAMMA PHI!
Re: DEAR MISS CAPOTE
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Is this him?
Instagram.com/chinatownjake98
Re: DEAR MISS CAPOTE
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
How did you do that????? And why are you using your powers to find frat boys on Instagram?
Re: DEAR MISS CAPOTE
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Unfortunately, my superpowers start and end at finding frat boys on Instagram. That’s why I keep getting rejected from Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters.
Follow him.
Re: DEAR MISS CAPOTE
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Absolutely not. But I bow down to your craft.
3:42 PM PST
Oh my god. The funniest thing just happened.
Spit take?
Banana peel?
Pie in the face?
Oh, no! Forget I said pie!
Hahaha
Your sense of humor is atrocious.
Was it a farcical case of mistaken identity?
Kind of!
I knew it.
A FARCICAL CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
SO! In an attempt to ease us into the craft of screenwriting, we’ve been writing prose this whole time in Screenwriting 101. Please don’t bother to point out the irony. It’s already eating me alive.
Anywho, this last assignment was a first-person short story with the option of being autobiographical. I chose to write fiction because nothing exciting has ever happened to me. Unless you count starting Prozac at age four. But toddlers aren’t reliable narrators and I’m not a good enough writer to tackle that yet.
I end up writing this quirky account of a high school boy having his first kiss with a girl and realizing that he is actually gay. Except I never explicitly say that it’s from the point of view of a boy AND I never give him a name because it’s written in the first person. What ends up happening?
Everyone in my class thinks I chose to write an autobiographical story. And not just any autobiographical story. My autobiographical COMING OUT story. Hahahaha.
The entire class thought I was gay for a few days until we went over my story and I started getting notes.
So funny and embarrassing! I had to assure everyone I’m not gay, just an unclear writer.
Hope you’re drinking something while reading this, so you get to spit take!
A
Re: A FARCICAL CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
I don’t understand. What is so funny about people thinking you are gay?
Re: A FARCICAL CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY
Ava Helmer <AVA.HELMER[email protected]>
to Gen
I don’t know! It just seemed ridiculous. No one has ever thought I was gay. I’m like a virginal Charlotte York with a bigger nose.
2:15 PM PST
Jake is two people in front of me at the Coffee Bean!
What do I do?
He’s ordering! I can’t tell if he saw me!
GEN!!!!!!
5:27 PM PST
If you’re dead, I hope you left me your leather jacket.
I can’t pull it off, but I’ll hang it in my house.
As art.
Hello????
8:42 PM PST
Sry. Busy.
Doing what?
Kissing girls
…
Oh my god. Do you actually think I’m homophobic?
My aunt is gay!
Not openly, but we all know.
K.
Gen! Come on! Are you seriously mad?
Talk l8r.
PRIDE
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Dearest Genevieve,
I offer my sincerest apologies to the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender community. I had no intention of offending any of our queer friends, family, or loved ones. There is absolutely nothing wrong with appearing gay or actually being gay. In fact, I felt a bit honored that my peers thought I was cool enough to get a hot girl to kiss me behind the bleachers.
I have no excuse for my blunder, but please keep in mind that USC is not the enlightened campus Emerson is, and I am a bit behind in my evolution of tolerance and sensitivity.
In conclusion, I have nothing but the upmost respect for Kristen Stewart, Neil Patrick Harris, and Laverne Cox, among many other notable LGBT icons. I will spend the rest of my living days making it up to them.
(That said, I take a bit of offense that you would jump to a homophobic conclusion about me. I was equally taken aback that time someone thought I was Russian. Also, I know your MO is avoidance, but it’s sort of impossible when you live 3,000 miles away and I can’t just show up at your house and force you to talk to me.)
All the love in the world,
Ava Helmer
(No homo)
Re: PRIDE
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Hey. I’m sorry I went MIA like that. I just … didn’t love your reaction, but I’m sure I read too much into it or something.
I think I’m just juggling a lot of things. The article is getting a bunch of attention (bad and good), and I haven’t been keeping up with homework because of all the Beacon stuff.
Plus. I’ve been hooking up with someone and it’s taking up a lot of my brain space.
So I probably overreacted. NBD. Thanks for being the bigger person and yada yada.
G
Re: PRIDE
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
WHO ARE HOOKING UP WITH???? ARE YOU HAVING SEX??? WHAT IS GOING ON???
11:04 AM PST
WHO ARE YOU HOOKING UP WITH???
Think about it.
IT’S ALL I’M THINKING ABOUT.
OK.
I figured it out.
Kent, your editor.
HAHAHAHAHA
Are you laughing because I’m so right or because I’m so wrong?
Wrong.
And adorable.
OK. That’s fine. You shouldn’t be hooking up with your editor anyway …
Hmmmm. What other guys have you mentioned?
You’re getting colder.
???
It’s not a guy.
Hello?
.…
Molly!
Yes.
Second guess. Pretty good.
SHOULD WE TALK ABOUT THIS?
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I wrote out a bunch of different versions of this email, but I think the subject line says it all.
Ava
Re: SHOULD WE TALK ABOUT THIS?
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Nope. I’m good.
Re: SHOULD WE TALK ABOUT THIS?
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
OK, well, I’m not good. You realized that you are gay and didn’t bother to tell me? Your best friend in the entire world? Or is Molly your best friend now? Are you even in Boston? You’ve stopped geo-tagging all your posts. Have you changed your name and moved to Zimbabwe? Because I feel completely abandoned in this moment.
TO BE CLEAR: I have NO problem with you being gay. I have a problem with you not telling me. And yes, that is a selfish problem, but I am a selfish person.
Re: SHOULD WE TALK ABOUT THIS?
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
This is why I didn’t want to tell you. I’m not gay. I’m hooking up with a girl. Not everything is black and white.
Re: SHOULD WE TALK ABOUT THIS?
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Wow. OK. That was super condescending. Especially since you know it’s hard for me to not see things in black and white BECAUSE OF MY MENTAL ILLNESS.
Re: SHOULD WE TALK ABOUT THIS?
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
This has nothing to do with your OCD. I’m just not doing this. I’m not having a coming out party. Nothing about me as a person has changed. I have always been this person. Who I hook up with does not define me.
Re: SHOULD WE TALK ABOUT THIS?
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Well, you got me there! Congratulations. You have backed me into a PC corner. Enjoy the moral high ground.
12:32 AM EST
I HAVE THE MORAL HIGH GROUND.
How’s it feel?
Eh. Less fun than drugs
When do I get to Facetime your girlfriend?
Not my girlfriend.
Excuse me.
When do I get to FaceTime your partner?
SO?
Fuck buddy?
YOU’RE HAVING SEX?!! AHHHHHHH
You’re more excited than me. And the girl I’m having sex with.
Can I ask you something without it being a big deal?
What does gay sex mean?
I understand gay sex!
I don’t understand lesbian sex.
Hahahaha
Google it.
I don’t need to Google anymore! I have a queer best friend!
Stop labeling me.
Sorry!
PLEDGING MY LIFE AWAY
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Welcome to your daily Gamma Phi quiz about all things Gamma Phi! Remember, sisters are forever, and anything lower than 85% is a failing grade!
Question One: Why am I taking this quiz?
Answer: Because you don’t have enough work already! We thought it would be fun to turn a social club into an extreme time commitment full of mandatory events. Including pop quizzes!
Question Two: What kind of questions can I expect?
Answer: Solely useless information that you will neither retain nor call for ever again. Topics include: history of the founding sisters, outdated dinner prayers, and boring facts about senior members who will never talk to you again.
Question Three: Aren’t sororities supposed to be fun?
Answer: You have to LOOK LIKE you’re having fun. There is a difference.
Question Four: Can I get my money back?
Answer: No.
Kisses and Hugs and Secret Handshakes,
A
Re: PLEDGING MY LIFE AWAY
Gen Goldman <[email protected]com>
to Ava
What’s the secret handshake? I won’t tell anyone.
Re: PLEDGING MY LIFE AWAY
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
It’s very complicated. You’ve got to shake the other girl’s hand, but instead of shaking it, you give it a light squeeze. Twice.
Re: PLEDGING MY LIFE AWAY
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Weird. That’s also lesbian sex.
7:12 PM PST
We’re making each other posters.
Why?
I don’t know. I don’t want a fucking poster.
Write that on the poster.
Can I quit yet?
You can do whatever you want.
I’M NOT A QUITTER.
I love quitting.
It feels weird that I’m essentially paying these people to hang out with me.
Did your parents not tell you I’ve been salaried since freshman year?
I knew it.
You were too cool to be true.
YOU’VE BEEN CAUGHT
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Hypocrite.
Re: YOU’VE BEEN CAUGHT
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Oh, no! What did I do??? Was anyone hurt?
Re: YOU’VE BEEN CAUGHT
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Just your reputation as someone who shares everything with her best friend. You thought you could follow chinatownjake98 on Instagram without me noticing?
NICE TRY! GUESS AGAIN, BITCH.
Re: YOU’VE BEEN CAUGHT
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
How do you know that??? Do you have actual social media powers?
I only followed him because Sophia made me. She’s sick of complaining about her long-distance boyfriend and wanted a distraction. I am completely ashamed.
Re: YOU’VE BEEN CAUGHT
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Why are you ashamed? He followed you back.
Sophia should dump the LDR. It’s destined to fail anyway.
Re: YOU’VE BEEN CAUGHT
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
HE FOLLOWED ME BACK??? HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS STUFF?!
Re: YOU’VE BEEN CAUGHT
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
How do you NOT know this stuff?! Seriously. Your mom is better at the Internet than you.
What’s your next move? And don’t say unfollowing him.
Re: YOU’VE BEEN CAUGHT
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Some of the girls in my house are going to his frat tonight. I guess I could go? And try to not look like a troll with social anxiety?
Did I tell you my therapist nodded at my last session? She’s really opening up.
1:14 AM EST
Have a draft of my follow-up piece. Can I send it to you?
YES! Will read ASAP.
I thought you were going to the party?
I’m at the party.
AVA! You can’t proofread at a fraternity.
Come on. I’m sure some of these guys are journalism majors.
I’m not sending. Go find Jake.
FORMAL INQUIRY
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Quick question: Remember winter formal sophomore year when you told Chris R. to kiss me and then he did on our way home and I didn’t realize that you could breathe through your mouth while kissing and I suffocated? Does that have to count as my first kiss?
Because I would really prefer last night to count as my first kiss. I remembered to breathe and everything.
Let me know your official opinion as the author of my future biography.
Ava
2:13 PM EST
You don’t email about kissing!
You text about kissing!
A whole hour just passed with me not knowing you’re a little slut!
I’m not a slut!
Slut is not bad. We are reclaiming the word “slut.”
I know. But I don’t think a little light kissing counts.
Ew. What is light kissing?
Minimal tongue? Lots of feelings.
Oh, boy.
I need more details but about to meet with Charlotte.
Send follow-up detailed email plz.
Tell Charlotte I say “What’s good.”
No.
LOVE, LUST & BEER PONG
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Here’s the thing. Everything that happened last night was incredibly cliché bordering on boring. If it was a scene in a movie, I would have talked shit about it for being uninspired and predictable.
But that’s part of what made it so special to me. It felt so … normal. I felt normal. Better than normal. Desired.
Gross. Gross. Scratch that from the biography.
Anyway, I showed up at ZBT around 9:30 with two girls from my pledge class, Chelsea and Emma. (Chelsea is kind of a basic bitch but she sort of knows it and doesn’t care which is weirdly refreshing. Emma is British and keeps threatening to quit Gamma Phi due to all the mandatory events. Emma is my favorite.)
Side note: Why do parties start so late? What are we all trying to prove? No one does anything interesting between 7 and 10 anyway. I’ve started to refer to this time in my life as nightly purgatory.
Oh! I forgot to tell you what I was wearing! Black jeans and that sheer pink blouse with the gold buttons. (Don’t be mad, but I wore a black tank top under it. I’m not ready to show full back yet.)
Jake was wearing a ZBT tank top and jeans. I wish I could have stricken this part from the official record. (To be fair, all the boys wear the tank top at parties. He dresses normally when he goes to the Coffee Bean.)
As soon as we get there, I spot him talking with a freshman pledge who is also in the film school. (Crit studies, I think. Nothing impressive.) I can’t tell if he’s noticed me so I stare at him a few more seconds, like a complete lunatic, until Chelsea drags me away to the drink table.
Another side note: Do I have to drink to fit in? I know that this is a pathetic thing to actually ask and all after-school specials tell you: No! Of course not! But let’s be real. Do I? Because I hate it.
I settle on a vodka/cranberry after Emma assures me no one roofied it. Apparently, I am being super paranoid about the whole roofying thing. I take a couple sips and pretend to know all the lyrics to some Katy Perry song as my friends dance.
Within twenty minutes, I have to pee. Because I am me and in addition to having the personality of a 65-year-old, I have a postmenopausal bladder. This is a problem for many reasons. I don’t know where the bathroom is, and I can only assume said bathroom is disgusting. Even for someone without my high cleanliness standards.
Basic bitch Chelsea is already grinding cheek to cheek with some senior so I beg Emma to accompany me. She does so halfheartedly (the British, am I right?) and I lose her almost immediately. But I do find Jake. Standing alone. Waiting? Maybe? For me? Probably not.
Him: Hey.
Me: Hi! Where is your bathroom?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! Do I need to immediately appear as though I have IBS? I don’t even have IBS. I would probably be cooler if I did have it, though, because people with IBS are so above being embarrassed for banal needs.
Him: Let me show you.
I know. This is all very cliché. But I did give you that disclaimer at the beginning.
He takes my hand (Oh my God!! Slow down!!) and leads me up the stairs to, you guessed it, his bedroom. The entire time I’m thinking: this is so lame and predictable. But also: HOLY SHIT! I’m in a boy’s bedroom and … he is about to listen to me pee.
His room is connected to a bathroom. I have to lock like three doors because it’s a shared bathroom, which is basically my worst nightmare. I quickly pop a squat and pray to the pee gods that nothing other than pee comes out. (Now would be the perfect time to actually get IBS.)
I wipe after checking the toilet paper (seemed new), wash my hands, and use my shirt to open the door, since a clean hand towel would have been too good to be true.
When I come out, I see Jake on his bed. Playing guitar.
I KNOW! I WARNED YOU! THE FOLLOWING SCENE IS VOMIT INDUCING. DO NOT CONTINUE READING IF YOU HAVE AN AVERSION TO SINCERITY OR ARE RECENTLY PREGNANT.
Me: What are you playing?
Jake: An acoustic version of “Hotline Bling.”
Me: Cool.
He laughs, which I hope means he knows how ridiculous that sounds, and then pats the bed next to him. I go over and sit down, worried because my hands are still wet from lack of a clean hand towel.
Me: Sorry. My hands are still wet from a lack of a clean hand towel.
Jake: You can wipe them on my shirt.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? This guy is so smooth.
So now I’m wiping my hands all over his shirt, when he grabs me by the wrists, looks at me for way too long to be comfortable or sexy, and says:
Jake: I’m glad you came tonight.
Me: Same.
And then we are making out!! On a bed! It was crazy! I felt like my dad was going to walk in at any moment, which was not a great thing to think about.
His tongue was warm and beer-like. For as much as I hate beer in my mouth, I like it in his.
He tried to pull my shirt up but I stopped him. I didn’t mean to stop the whole thing, I just wanted to stop the escalation, but as soon as I did that he pulled back, kissed my hand, and said: “Let’s go downstairs.”
I immediately ran into Emma and got sucked into a mess about her ex-boyfriend, even though he lives in London and my could-be boyfriend was mere feet away. Jake hung around for a second but then left to hang with his friends. I went home a few minutes later while Emma ugly-cried and said “wanker” a lot. (I love this word. Am I allowed to say it?)
So that’s it. That’s the whole thing.
HAVE I RUINED EVERYTHING?
Please advise. And try to forget that he kissed my hand. I will do the same.
Ava
Re: LOVE, LUST & BEER PONG
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Wow. I would rate this whole email NC17 (not cute unless you’re 17). And we’re 18 … so I vomited into my Moleskine.
JUST KIDDING. Everything about this seems delightfully normal. With a touch of sap. Just remember: Jake is a typical college guy who barely knows how to take care of himself. Your self-worth should not hang in the balance of his New Balances.
What’s your plan of attack? Boyfriend? Hook up? Complete avoidance? (The second one is easiest, just FYI.)
Proud of you, boo.
G
Re: LOVE, LUST & BEER PONG
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Can I have a complete breakdown of the differing strategies so I can cross-reference my attraction to the energy I want to expend?
Thanks in advance and please reply in a timely manner.
Re: LOVE, LUST & BEER PONG
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
The below is in no way endorsed by the FDA as an official treatment for “Horny Girl” but is highly recommended by many teens, queens, and divorcées.
Strategy 1: Boyfriend
Ignore him for 5 days. If he contacts you in these 5 days, you can respond but never initiate contact. Never ask questions. Remain mysterious. If he doesn’t contact you, go back to his frat for a party and, this is VERY important, continue to ignore him. Talk to as many of his friends as possible while creating an illusion that you are having the best time of your young life. If he tries to talk to you, allow it, but leave early. Expect a text within 2 days. Do not agree to go over to his frat. Do not agree to do anything other than dinner. Or maybe lunch if your schedules are crazy. Wait 1 month to have sex. (DISCLAIMER: I hate this plan. It is stupid and sexist. But it also works on 95% of entitled white men.)
Strategy 2: Hook up
This is the most fun plan. Wait 3 days and then text him: “What are you doing?” REGARDLESS of what he responds, text: “Want to come over later?” Have sex. Or not. It’s your body. Continue to hook up once a week until the spark fades or one of you falls in love and convinces the other one this is “more than a hookup.” Congratulations. You have made it to the end of Strategy 1 with minimal effort. This is how you infiltrate the system from the inside. (Disclaimer: This is by far the most dangerous strategy. It can end in heartbreak. Protect yourself.)
Strategy 3: Complete avoidance
Avoid the person. Completely. (Disclaimer: This might have the opposite of the desired effect and cause said person to fall in love with you. That’s why the police invented restraining orders.)
There you go! Choose wisely. Or not at all.
Re: LOVE, LUST & BEER PONG
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I have to wait five days???? That’s so long! I don’t think I can wait that long to do anything! Can I counter with three and a half?
Re: LOVE, LUST & BEER PONG
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
I see you’ve selected Strategy 1. May the odds be ever in your favor.
8:42 AM PST
I am a terrible friend!
No ur not!
Wait. Y?
Have you betrayed me?
Worse! I’ve forgotten about you!
Who do you think ur texting?
I mean I forgot to ask about you! How was the meeting with Charlotte?
Oh! Good.
Just good? Did she like the article?
Yeah. I think so.
You THINK so?
We mostly just hung out. Talked about journalism on a macro scale.
Am I allowed to say that’s gay?
No.
GAME RECOGNIZE GAME
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
I don’t know how to put this politely so I will just put it: you are the craziest person I know. To be clear, I do NOT mean that as an insult. If anything, it is a testament to your extreme resilience that you’re as crazy as you are and still functioning so beautifully. After years of therapy and medication … I’m not gonna do the whole pep talk, but you get it. You’re basically an unofficial therapist.
SO! I need some semiprofessional guidance on what the fuck is going on with Molly. I can’t tell if she’s just “college girl acting out” or “young woman in trouble.” Also, I don’t know if it’s even my place to say anything since I haven’t known her for that long and we occasionally swap saliva so it’s more complicated than if she was just a friend.
I’m not a psych major (because Emerson doesn’t offer it), but the best way I can describe her behavior is manic? Not straight-up Girl, Interrupted but worrisome. She parties all weekend and then sleeps through class. If I don’t respond right away she’ll leave me a lengthy expletive-full voice mail, but by the time I call her back, she’s completely over it.
Is this normal? I know no one is “normal,” but is this worrisome? Her parents live nearby in Stoneham. Maybe I can suggest a visit there? Or will that seem like I’m trying to meet her parents because I’m secretly in love with her and want to lock her down in a patriarchal fashion? To be super clear, I have no intention of dating this person but care about her because I am a human being.
Gen
P.S. I can give you the full pep talk if you need it.
Re: GAME RECOGNIZE GAME
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Hmmmm, this is a tough one. It’s hard to help people who don’t want help. Wanting help has always been my saving grace. I practically scream: “Help me!” from the rooftops. (If you ever bother to give me the full pep talk again, make sure you include the time I told my dad, “I need to see a doctor because something inside of me is making me sad.” WHEN I WAS FOUR YEARS OLD! How has no one made a Lifetime movie about me yet?)
Is it possible that she might be a drug addict? If that’s the case, you need to contact another semiprofessional because I have no experience with anything you can’t be prescribed. (My Cymbalta is still making me sweaty, by the way. I’ve had to buy these sweat wipes for my face, but I just soak through them. It’s disgusting. I’m disgusting.)
Anyway, if it’s not a drug thing, I think you should try talking to her. Maybe open up about some of the challenges you’ve been facing since leaving home (I know you’re perfectly independent. Make something up). Then ask if she feels the same at all. Feel free to mention the emotional mess who is your best friend. People love to open up to me about their problems. I think it’s because I’m so relatable. I’m like the Sandra Bullock of mental illness.
Also, try not to hook up with her anymore. She needs a friend, not an f-buddy. Plus, promiscuity is often a side effect of mania, and you don’t want to enable unhealthy behaviors.
ALREADY I HAVE GIVEN MORE PRACTICAL ADVICE THAN MY CURRENT THERAPIST WHO IS ACTUALLY LICENSED. HOW DOES ANYONE HAVE A JOB?
Keep me updated!
XO,
A
11:14 AM EST
I overreacted.
Fifth Harmony is not the greatest band of all time?
I never said that! I just said it was the greatest WOC girl group of our time.
You’re such a liar.
Whatever.
Molly is fine. She basically laughed in my face.
Have you never heard of denial?
No. Is that in Egypt?
That joke only works out loud, you moron.
What did she say?
She said she was fine. And it was cute that I was worried about her.
And then what?
And then nothing.
You both disappeared?
No …
GENEVIEVE!
I tried to be a good person. I deserved some action.
Unbelievable!
DAY 3 OF BEING TRAPPED ON THIS ISLAND
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I’m losing my mind. I can’t tell up from down. I’ve started scratching a thin line into the foot of my bed every night to keep track of the time. My best friend is a volleyball named Willis. So I can say, “Whatchu talking about, Willis?” without Tom Hanks’s attorney suing me for plagiarism.
WHY HAS HE NOT CONTACTED ME?!?!?!
Am I a bad kisser? How do I know if I am a bad kisser? I can’t even kiss you now for feedback! I HATE HAVING A GAY FRIEND.
I’m lashing out. I’m so proud of you and your gayness.
I wish I was gay.
No, I don’t.
I wish I was asexual.
Please delete this email. Preferably before you bother to read it.
Re: DAY 3 OF BEING TRAPPED ON THIS ISLAND
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
How’s your spiral? Are you enjoying it? Are there lots of twists and turns that release into a pit of blackness?
I’m going to choose to ignore your latent homophobia and instead ask you this: Why would he be liking all your Instagram photos if you’re a bad kisser?
G
P.S. I’m not gay. I’m not anything. I am the darkness under your bed.
4:27 PM PST
He liked four of my photos!!!
I know.
How did you not know??
Sorority! All the girls are obligated to like each other’s photos. I’ve never had more likes in my life! It got lost.
I still found it.
Stop gloating and tell me what to do!
DM a dick pic.
Stop saying that!
Comment on his most recent photo and go to a party at his house this weekend.
His most recent photo is of a bong.
Get out now, before it’s too late.
I’m going to write: “nice.”
Scratch the comment. Just go to the party.
UR better IRL.
I’m trying to be a writer!!
NOT SO HUMBLE BRAG
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
My second article hit the newsstands this morning (not the stands but the internet). It’s a hit! With our limited audience. The president of the college called over to see if she could potentially write an op-ed in response!
My editor, Kent, all but promised me a staff position next semester. He assigned me a lengthy exposé on racist graffiti inside the Paramount Theatre. (Don’t ask.)
Part of me feels like I should quit while I’m ahead and let them speak of my legend while I retire to Mexico and drink mai tais. The other part wants to keep writing until I’m the first queer female editor in chief of the NY Times.
Charlotte wants to take me out for a celebratory dinner. I’m a little shocked because she’s mostly ignored me in class this week, but maybe she doesn’t want to make it TOO obvious that I’m TA’s pet.
WHAT DO I WEAR?! I HAVE NEVER HAD TO DRESS FOR PAST SUCCESS BEFORE!
Genevieve Goldman
Future Editor in Chief, NY Times
1:32 PM PST
I’m so proud of you!!!!!!
Wear your blazer.
Yeah, right.
7:19 PM PST
I did a bad thing …
Really bad.
Like accidentally launched the missiles bad.
Freaking out.
Hello?
GREAT! NOW I’M WORRIED YOU’RE DEAD TOO!
I have nothing left.
4:27 AM EST
What happened?
7:52 AM EST
Are you OK?
Ava?
Is this revenge?
11:31 PM PST
Where were you?
Where were YOU?
I went to the gym.
Oh, good. So your body still works.
I did a bad thing.
How bad?
Strategy 2 bad.
GIRRRRRRLLLLLLL
IN NEED OF NEW STRATEGY
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
So … I made an oopsie. Last night (it was really the afternoon but that sounds so pathetic) I started freaking out. I went down this weird rabbit hole where I thought maybe Jake wasn’t contacting me because he didn’t think I WANTED him to contact me. Also, I realized he didn’t have my number! How could he contact me even if he wanted to? (I know. Twitter. Instagram. Facebook. These solutions occurred to me later.)
I was spiraling, OK? So I emailed one of the guys in my screenwriting class who is pledging ZBT and asked for Jake’s number. I AM AN INSANE PERSON. Why would I do this? Because I am insane.
Exactly one hour later my friend replied with Jake’s number. It is important to note that during this time I realized that I was, say it with me, insane. But I couldn’t not contact him after overtly asking for his number. No way was Jake not going to hear about that.
I scraped the bottom of my brain for some viable reason other than extreme desperation to contact him and I came up with … Can I borrow your camera?
Before you freak out, keep in mind that I am in film school and this isn’t the weirdest request. He has a Canon 5D, which I only know because he bragged about it the night we made out in his room. (Remember that night? When I was a normal college girl instead of a psychopath?)
So I spent half an hour crafting the perfect text message that seemed flirty yet casual, business-minded yet fun, and sent it off into the ether.
Nothing. For two hours. That’s when I needed you most. (More on that later! Where the hell were you and why were you awake at 4 AM?)
And then … a reply! Not just a reply but an invitation to go over to his house so he could “teach me how to use it.” Which, honestly, is a bit condescending since I am also in film school. But, to be completely fair, I had no idea how to use it. These hands were made for typing, baby!
Fast-forward three outfit changes and a mild panic attack and I’m making my way over to ZBT, alone, at night. This was dumb for many reasons including the dangerous neighborhood. When I got to the house, there were a bunch of guys hanging out in the living room. I asked if Jake was around and they asked me which Jake and then I panicked and forgot his last name. This always happens to me in moments of extreme panic. I forgot how to pronounce Veronica during one particularly stressful middle school sleepover.
One of the guys mercifully threw out a couple of Jake options and I recognized the right one. I was told he was in his room. Then the following conversation:
NICE FRAT GUY: It’s up the stairs to the—
EVIL FRAT GUY: She knows where it is.
ME: *dies*
Why are boys so mean? Seriously? Why humiliate a perfectly nice girl for zero reason?
I went up the stairs, knocked on the WRONG door, and then finally found Jake’s room after disappointing a nerd playing Magic: The Gathering, who looked at me like a pizza that got delivered early.
Jake, shirtless on his bed, strumming a guitar, smiled when he saw me. Not a big smile. But a smirk. Like, “I knew you’d be back.” My stomach turned. I’m not sure if it was in a good way.
Long story short, he never taught me how to use the camera, but I did get felt up for the first time and now I have to shoot some sort of experimental short film or else he will think I’m obsessed with him.
WHOOPS!
A
Re: IN NEED OF NEW STRATEGY
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
I would give this story a B-. Far too much exposition and the third act seemed rushed.
What do you mean he felt you up?! These are the kind of details I need.
I await the rewrite.
Re: IN NEED OF NEW STRATEGY
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I’m embarrassed! The whole thing was so embarrassing! My mind kept racing and I couldn’t stop thinking about his sheets. They seemed clean, but how clean could they really be? When was the last time he washed them? Would he respect me after this? What if I needed to pee? It was all overwhelming.
What are you supposed to feel when you are hooking up? Nothing? Everything?
I stopped him from going down my pants. I want to make sure we are more of a thing before that and also I want it to be on my sheets. We fell asleep around midnight, and he walked me back to my dorm in the morning. I HAD AN OUTDOOR KISS. IN THE SUNLIGHT!
I guess my big takeaway from all of this is: WHY WERE YOU AWAKE AT 4 AM? Do not think that you can deflect your whereabouts. I am a goddamn detective.
LOVE AND ANXIETY,
Ava
Re: IN NEED OF NEW STRATEGY
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Jesus, you never let anything go, do you? Even when you’re in the throes of romantic passion.
I was out with Charlotte for a celebratory dinner. And drinks.
3:49 PM PST
Are you fucking kidding me?
Always.
When I check my email after my stupid induction rehearsal there better be an IN DEPTH email waiting for me.
I want details, Genevieve.
ALL the details.
PER YOUR REQUEST
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Request is putting it lightly. You should join the CIA. I hear all interrogation tactics are encouraged there. Regardless of basic human rights.
I don’t know what there is to say. Other than I am hooking up with my TA.
SEE! This is how you tell a story. You lead with the fucking lede.
Now that I’ve hooked you, I’ll take my time, since my editor, Kent, doesn’t give me a word count for emails:
YOUNG JOURNALIST SHOCKED BY INTEREST OF ELUSIVE, OLDER WOMAN
By Genevieve Goldman
Berkeley Beacon Staff
BOSTON—Until last night, Genevieve Goldman, 18, had only skimmed the surface of what the Sapphic world has to offer. Upon arrival at Gaslight in the South End, her luck was about to change. Ms. Goldman, a native of Los Angeles, was meeting her Emerson College Discovering Journalism teaching assistant, Charlotte Huang, 32(????), for a celebratory dinner. Ms. Huang had invited Ms. Goldman on the pretense of mentorship, as the two had grown close over Ms. Goldman’s recent investigation of a disgusting pervert who should most definitely be fired from the department of communications.
After ordering drinks, a whiskey neat for Ms. Huang and a Cherry Coke for Ms. Goldman, conversation quickly turned personal. Ms. Huang lamented a recent love affair turned sour while Ms. Goldman tried to appear cool and knowledgeable about lesbian drama (she is not). According to sociology-based social cues such as light touching and hair flipping, Ms. Huang was flirting. Ms. Goldman, not being a complete idiot according to her closest friends and family, flirted back but didn’t make any moves to advance the situation. By the end of the three-course meal (shaved beet salad, swordfish, and shared gâteau aux pommes), Ms. Goldman was reporting feelings of nausea and nerves. After a tense moment outside, Ms. Huang broke the silence with an invitation for a nightcap. At her place. This question has been documented as the singularly most successful “move” of all time.
Within 10 minutes, both women arrived at Ms. Huang’s flat, sober yet elated. Within another 10 minutes, neither were sober. They were still elated. Things escalated quickly with limited talking from either party. All specific details about the goings-on were off the record, but reports suggest there were up to four goings-on. At approximately 4:27 AM, Ms. Goldman took a reprieve from her folly to answer a text from a beloved friend, who was later revealed to have made a misjudgment in Ms. Goldman’s absence. Following the lack of reply from said friend, Ms. Goldman fell asleep in the arms of Ms. Huang, who clearly does Pilates or at least lifts light weights. The two separated late the next morning after a French-press coffee, courtesy of Ms. Huang’s adult life.
There were unconfirmed reports of canoodling outside Ms. Huang’s apartment before a red-faced Ms. Goldman made her way back to her moronic roommate and dull student life.
To contact this reporter, please send four messenger pigeons and a Big Mac to the Piano Row dormitory at Emerson College.
Re: PER YOUR REQUEST
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
WHAAAAAATTTTT!!! BUT! BUT! She’s your TA! And she’s ancient! And you had Cherry Coke? Please tell me that was actually just Cherry Coke the refreshing beverage and NOT Cherry Cola the code word.
Wow. Just wow. It’s like you read a guidebook on how to have an outrageous college experience and then followed the steps.
At least she’s not married with children. Please tell me she’s not married with children.
Are you going to keep seeing her?? Is she your girlfriend? How will you act normal in class? Should you transfer to a different class? Would she get fired for this? I think she should. Not that I want her specifically to be fired, but it seems like a good policy to have in place.
This place is like Sodom and Gomorrah. Are there no rules?? No wonder that dean got hired. He could practically be Emerson’s mascot.
WOW.
Re: PER YOUR REQUEST
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Hahahaha. TBD on all of your questions. Except I don’t think she’s married. But you never know!
5:35 PM EST
I just saw a squirrel die.
WHAT?! You killed a squirrel?
I didn’t kill it!
It must have been hit by a car or something. It was freaking out and twitching.
I’m scarred for life.
Get a tattoo of the squirrel so you never forget.
Oooooo
THAT WAS A JOKE.
DO NOT GET A SQUIRREL TATTOO.
Too late
FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
SO! Crisis. Jake just texted me asking how my movie is going. Remember my movie? That pathetic invention of an excuse so I could reach out to a guy I later let feel me up? Well, guess what? That invention is about to become real. I can’t have any future with Jake if our entire relationship is built on a lie. So I have to make a short film AND not look like a total idiot doing so since Jake will probably ask to see it.
Screenwriting Sophia said she would help out since she’s befriended a couple of production kids and also wants to act. (All the writers want to act. All the directors want to write. The satisfaction level at this school is about zero.)
Here are some ideas. They are rough drafts just to see if I’m heading in the right direction. Please be kind.
1) A girl loses her iPhone. She has to retrace her steps to find it and in the meantime remembers how to live life without it. (But funny. Remember that it would be funny.)
2) A boy and a girl share their first kiss but neither of them enjoys it. They then proceed into a long-term relationship due to a fear of being rude. (Again, funny.)
3) A silent film from the point of view of a squirrel. (This was inspired by you. But this squirrel doesn’t die. Because comedy. And also budget.)
Pick one. Pick none. Tell me to transfer to prelaw and fill out all my necessary paperwork.
Re: FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Number 2! Also, you don’t need to make a movie to impress some guy. But you should make a movie because you are in film school and I’m sure all the kids are doing it. Maybe start a YouTube channel! Those things can blow up!
Re: FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I hate YouTube. If anything, I would put it on Vimeo.
2:32 PM EST
Charlotte won’t look at me.
Really?? I’m so sorry :(
Don’t be! It’s fun!
Being ignored is fun?
Oh, yeah! Now I have something to focus on in class.
How are we friends?
BRB. Knocking a pen on the floor so she can see down my shirt.
You’re out of control.
SUCCESS
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Charlotte cornered me after class and invited me over to her place for some wine and cheese party? If this isn’t the lesbian dream, I don’t know what is. I’m supposed to see a show at the Comedy Studio with Molly tonight, but I’ll just cancel. She bails on me all the time anyway.
I’m a bit concerned about how to act once I’m there. She probably doesn’t want to make it glaringly obvious to all her friends that she is sleeping with a student. But maybe I’ll linger around until everyone else leaves?
God, I love games. She is so good at games. Too bad I’m better!
LOVE AND TITS,
G
7:12 PM EST
Holy shit.
More details needed.
Molly just popped off on me for canceling.
Popped off how?
Do you know what that means?
I can infer.
She lost it. Started screaming that no one appreciates her or respects her.
What did you say?
I left.
You left???
You know I don’t like to be yelled at.
And I have a fancy lesbian event to attend.
Are all of Charlotte’s friends lesbians?
A girl can hope.
SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING BIMBOS
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I just spent three hours gluing sparkle Greek letters to a poster board while twenty other girls gossiped about The Bachelorette like the contestants are real people and not robots hired by a massive corporation to fulfill their given duties and then disappear into minor Instagram fame.
It doesn’t help that I’ve never actually seen The Bachelorette …
I don’t know. These girls take Gamma Phi so seriously. Like it’s something that actually matters and not an excuse to take dumb photos and meet guys. I’m all for sisterhood in the metaphorical sense, but actual “YOU ARE MY SISTER” is creeping me out.
Am I just being a snob? Or am I trying to shove a wooden square into a small circle?
The initiation ceremony happens in two weeks. If I drop out before then I won’t have to pay a full semester of dues. My mom says not to worry about the money, and my dad just keeps cracking jokes that end in Phi. (Phi ya later, etc.)
I know you are busy eating fancy cheese and trying not to go to the bathroom, but when you get a chance, I could use a good old Genevieve weigh-in.
A
11:17 PM EST
For my next birthday I would like a huge block of chevre, plzzz.
Go home, kid. You’re drunk.
But like rich drunk. This wine is $$$.
How much?
$$$$$$$
Re: SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING BIMBOS
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Ava, I have read your concerns regarding BIMBOS and have some hangover thoughts. First off, the term “bimbo.” Please forgo the term entirely since it is outdated and perpetuates a patriarchal vocabulary. Are you a 1940s mobster telling his wife these other women don’t mean anything to him? No? Then stop saying “bimbo.” Also, I doubt all of these girls are so terrible. Have you tried talking to them about other interests? Isn’t one of the girls British? You can talk about Brexit!
My official, once again, hungover, Genevieve weigh-in suggests more time. Not everyone hits it off immediately. I fear that I’ve ruined you for other women. I am the best. We all know that. Sometimes you have to settle.
I CAN HEAR THE CREAKS IN THE FLOOR TWO STORIES ABOVE ME. IF MY HEAD EXPLODES, PLEASE KEEP MY BRAIN GOOP FOR SCIENCE.
Ow. Ow. Ow.
G
12:43 PM PST
Have contacted the CDC. They are scheduling body pickup.
The CDC??? You think I have a disease?
They were just the first government agency to answer the phone.
How are you feeling?
Is death a feeling?
Drink Gatorade and don’t think this gets you out of a full disclosure of last night’s event.
Stop pushing Gatorade on me.
Sorry, I signed a brand deal.
GENDER IS OVER (IF YOU WANT IT)
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Charlotte might be my soul mate if I believed in soul mates and was interested in a monogamous relationship. Her friends, mostly other grad students from every college in New England, are cool and smart and talk to me like I’m a person even though I just became one like a month ago.
They are not all lesbians, but even the token cis straight guy had a feminine quality and BEAUTIFUL hair. It started out very casual, but by midnight everyone was red wine drunk and smoking from a bong shaped like an elephant Charlotte bought in India. I abstained from the bong because I needed my wits about me. This poetry TA from Amherst clearly had her eyes on my girl as well. By the end of the party it became a stand-off for her affection, but GUESS WHAT? College kids don’t need to sleep! Cathleen lost stamina at 2 AM and went home, leaving me with Charlotte, who was too wasted to do anything other than stroke my hair and tell me all the awards I will win one day. It was the most satisfying interaction of my life. (Don’t worry, we still fornicated in the morning.)
She told me this morning that her friend is coming into town tomorrow so we’ll have to cool it for a week or two. What kind of person crashes for a week or two? (I know that’s what you are thinking.) Apparently, Charlotte hosts people all the time. She likes to feed off different creative energy.
I don’t care, though. It’s not like we’re dating. We’re exploring. And now I can explore other people;)
GG
Re: GENDER IS OVER (IF YOU WANT IT)
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Feeding off their energy??? Really?? This whole email seemed like a pamphlet from one of those spiritual people at the airport.
I’m happy for you? I don’t understand you, but I’m happy for you.
Now go explore with people your own age.
10:24 AM EST
My professor has a booger.
Ewwwww. Tell him.
I keep gesturing to my nose but this guy is not picking up what I’m putting out.
Has everyone noticed?
I can only assume.
How are you texting in class?
It’s connected to my computer.
7:16 PM PST
Jake asked me to come over.
No.
I just write back no???
Write back “No. Next idea, please.”
YOU ARE SO GOOD.
Please hold.
He’s typing …
“Dinner?”
I’m a fucking genius. People should pay me to tell them what to do.
What should I wear???
I have no idea.
ELIZABETH TAYLOR AND RICHARD BURTON
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Can you tell that I go to film school???
Let me set the scene.
INT. EL CHOLO—NIGHT
Two nervous college students make small talk about films only one of them has seen. The food arrives. AVA, 18, doesn’t really like hers but pretends to.
JAKE
So when are you shooting the big movie?
AVA chokes on a tortilla chip. It’s not cute.
AVA
Within the next few weeks. Still finalizing some stuff. Like the crew and location and script.
JAKE
Nice. Sweet. Cool. Who is playing the main guy?
AVA
Oh, we are also still finalizing the actors.
JAKE
I act, you know.
AVA almost eats another tortilla chip but stops herself.
AVA
Anything I would have seen? Like a guest star on Law & Order?
YOU GET IT! I’m not very good at dating, and Jake wants to be in my movie! EEP!
Do you think this is a good idea? Bad idea? Neutral?
Part of me feels like this is the most obvious, cliché way for us to fall in love until one of us goes on a semester abroad. The other part of me feels like this is my project and I am really worried about doing it correctly and when I am worried I tend to be my “worst self” and maybe he will think I am a bitch even though I am just bossy and know what I want. (Thank you for helping me reclaim the word.)
I didn’t know how to respond, so I told him he would have to audition. He laughed at this, thinking it was some sort of sexy innuendo even though I was being serious. I laughed back and then tried his chili margarita because some guy on Alvarado Street made him a fake ID last semester.
He asked me to go back to his room after, but I played hard to get because my stomach hurt and because I was afraid. I don’t know if my stomach hurting was psychosomatic or a result of the food. Either way, I think our next “date” shouldn’t involve a meal. If there even is a next date. Apparently, I have to hold an audition first!
SEND HELP, LOVE, AND ADVICE.
A
Re: ELIZABETH TAYLOR AND RICHARD BURTON
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Hmmmm. Interesting. This guy is aggressive, for sure. I admire the confidence but also find it off-putting from a straight white male. I think if you have any hesitation about it then you shouldn’t do it. This is your first short and that’s stressful enough. You don’t want to have to worry about some guy’s feelings on set.
That said, all I want to do is write with Charlotte for the rest of my life, so what do I know?
P.S. Did you see on Instagram that Tracy got a tattoo? Of a POT LEAF???? She made us stop watching Minority Report because it was rated R. COLLEGE CHANGES PEOPLE!
Re: ELIZABETH TAYLOR AND RICHARD BURTON
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
That was actually me. And it was rated PG-13. But I still thought I was too young to properly ingest the content.
8:06 PM EST
Kent just called himself my editor. Out loud.
hahahahaha
It’s like he can hear us.
I wouldn’t be surprised. He’s an investigative journalist.
Change my name in your contacts.
THERE ARE THREE TYPES OF PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
And they all go to journalism school. Allow me to explain. As a rough draft of my future exposé titled “There Are Three Types of People In This World: And They All Go to Journalism School.” (We are paid by the word.)
The aforementioned Kent, my editor, falls under “Watergate devotees.” This paranoid group of young go-getters thinks they are always one article away from taking down the U.S. government. Watergate was their first coming and Edward Snowden is their messiah.
The second type of “journalist” is “Carrie Bradshaw meets Dan Savage.” They think their own lives are newsworthy enough to warrant a story and are unable to remain “objective.” Very fun at parties, awful in class.
Finally, we arrive at “If Hunter S. Thompson was in Almost Famous.” Write drunk, edit sober. Except they’re never sober. For every groundbreaking piece there are 15 paragraphs of incoherent LSD-fueled trash.
Where do I fall, you might ask? I don’t subscribe to labels. Unless I’m labeling other people.
G
Re: THERE ARE THREE TYPES OF PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I would peg you as a “Watergate devotee” with a healthy dose of cynicism.
I haven’t quite pegged the three different types of screenwriters, but there seems to be a real divide among the film majors.
Production major: Making movies since childhood. Already knows how to use a camera. Wants to specialize in directing. Snob.
Screenwriting major: Loves movies. Horrible at technical aspects of filmmaking such as “the line” and lighting. Not popular in high school. Most likely to make money.
Critical studies major: Wanted to be a production major but didn’t get in. (See above for personality type.)
Animation major: Mysterious.
I, however, won’t ever make any money because my script for the short is ATROCIOUS! How did I get into this school? Did they even read my application? I must have been some sort of mailing error they were too embarrassed to fix.
4:32 PM PST
Remember that time you ghostwrote a note for me and then Brett Collins and I hooked up in your car as a result?
Yes …
PROOF YOU ARE A GREAT WRITER.
You said his saliva tasted like soy sauce.
That’s on him. Not you.
UR a .
8:15 PM PST
Uh-oh.
SpaghettiOs!
Why are all of your references not of this time??
Old soul.
What’s up?
Molly wants me to go to the party with her …
Have you talked since the big blowout?
Nope.
Do you want to go?
Nope.
So you’re gonna …
Go. Obviously. It’s a party.
MAKE GOOD DECISIONS.
AWKWARD TURTLE
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
So … last night happened. And it was fucking weird.
I went to that party with Molly around 10 (because parties start at 10), and it was fine but nothing special. I feel like art students are performing instead of living. And it’s not that fun to talk to a caricature of a human being. If I found out that I was actually talking to an alien PRETENDING to be a human, sign me up. An actual human who can’t relate to emotion and empathy? No, thanks.
Anyway, around 1, I wanted to bail, and Molly insisted on coming with me (even though she ignored me all night). She was hungry and dragged me to this pizza place called New York Pizza. Hilarious. After making a scene because they didn’t carry pineapples (???), she calmed down enough to sit on a bench outside and wait for me to bring her the food, which I also had to pay for. I stayed inside waiting for our calzones, which take FOREVER. By the time they were finally ready, I walked outside into a full-blown shit storm. Charlotte was standing there with her friend from out of town, this stunning Nigerian woman, Essie, while Molly screamed at her.
Yes, my friend/hookup, Molly, was yelling at my TA/lover, Charlotte. In front of a beautiful, worldly woman. Do you remember Molly’s torturous ex, Charlie?
Charlie = Charlotte and Charlotte = Charlie.
YEP!
And apparently things did not end well between them. Molly was shouting something about dignity when I strolled up, in shock. But Charlotte remained cool, barely looking my way, not giving anything away. She let Molly go on for a bit until she tired herself out. (FYI, this is a great tactic to use when someone is shouting at you.) Essie even pulled out her phone at one point before introducing herself to me very casually while Molly screamed, “I am not a toy!”
Eventually, Molly stopped to catch her breath and Charlotte stroked her hair, somehow making her feel taken care of and stupid for acting out. Within a moment both women were gone, and Molly was stuffing her face with a calzone.
Like … what do I do now??? Do I tell Molly I’m sleeping with Charlotte? (I’m thinking: NO.) Do I reach out to Charlotte to apologize for Molly’s behavior? Or do I just do nothing at all and wait for everything to die down? (Seems like a solid plan.)
I think I need to put the kibosh on the whole Molly situation. This girl is unstable and not in a manic-pixie-dream-girl-good-times way.
HOW WAS YOUR NIGHT?
G
Re: AWKWARD TURTLE
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Whoa. This Charlotte gets around. Is she dating that Essie girl too? I don’t understand your life.
I know this is unlike me, but I think you’re right. No plan is the best plan. Other than staying away from Molly. And maybe eating more vegetables.
My night was fine. Hung out at the house and tried to feel like “one of the girls.” I don’t know. My entire involvement at Gamma Phi feels forced. There is ANOTHER football game this weekend that we are encouraged (expected) to attend. I think I might just go home instead. I wonder how many different “family birthday parties” I’ll have to attend this year to get out of things. I might need to transition to funerals at some point …
OK. Off to go audition Jake. I told him he had to do a chemistry read with Sophia before I could hand him the part. Here’s hoping the poorly written sides won’t make him change his mind!
Re: AWKWARD TURTLE
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Why are you auditioning Jake??? I thought we decided you don’t need no man???
4:32 PM PST
I’m auditioning Jake because I am dumb and weak.
Also he is so cute and I have nothing and no one.
Cool. Just needed clarification.
AND THE OSCAR GOES TO…
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Another white person!
But for real, Sophia is SO good. I had no idea. I basically just cast her in an attempt to strengthen our friendship and get free access to gear. But the girl has chops. Jake was pretty good too. He ad-libbed some lines, which I didn’t LOVE, but then again, art is about collaboration yada yada. (I want to write movies alone in my room.)
*I’M MAKING A FILM!!!
**I’m making a short film!!
I’m making a student film.
11:47 PM EST
Hypothetically, can I get fired for hooking up with my editor?
Kent???? Your editor, Kent????
NO!
Any editor.
Or would only the editor get fired and I can sue for sexual harassment?
Is this really just a hypothetical?
Yep.
I’ll ask my dad.
SUPERMAN VS LEX LUTHOR
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
I have a nemesis. Which is actually great because I always thought you weren’t an interesting person until at least a few people hated you.
His name is Alex. He’s the only other freshman who has any real shot of getting a news staff position next semester. He hasn’t written anything groundbreaking at Emerson, but he won a big-time national award for his high school paper last year. An exposé on gendered elementary school bathrooms. He’s trans BTW. Which is the equivalent of having a private plane at Emerson and probably nowhere else. (I’m not outing him, for the record. It’s public knowledge.)
Am I upset that my nemesis is a socially conscious, dapper prodigy? You bet! But his cleverly worded group emails aren’t fooling me. Behind his Pride-stickered laptop is a conniving jerk who is only out for himself. He’s already spreading rumors that I “got lucky” with my dean story and I have yet to prove myself as an actual journalist.
Too bad no one ever told him that rage is my secret weapon!
“That’s my secret, Cap. I’m always angry.”
BITCHES AND HOS,
G
Re: SUPERMAN VS LEX LUTHOR
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
OK. Lots to process here. How do you know he is spreading rumors? And isn’t it better to not engage? Maybe just put your head down and do the work!
Sigh. Even as I am writing this, I know it is a waste of time. I’m going to turn on the news and see that you got involved in some lightsaber battle with Out magazine’s student of the year.
The worst part is this super-unhealthy rivalry will probably make you a better journalist.
“Follow your heart but take your brain with you.”
—A top 10 funny quote according to Google search
Ava
Re: SUPERMAN VS LEX LUTHOR
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Let’s end every email with a ridiculous quote! Mine will all be from the Marvel Cinematic Universe!
Rumor has it that Alex made a few biting remarks at a Beacon party last weekend and he actively rolled his eyes at me this morning in a meeting. Plus, he REFUSES to follow me back on Twitter. And his Instagram is private. WHAT ARE YOU HIDING, ALEX?!
I’m going to take this asshole down. Even if I have to kiss Kent’s “Editor” butt outside of business hours, I’ll put on ChapStick and get to it! Office Gen: pretty good time. Party Gen: unstoppable.
Eat shit. (Not you.)
“Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist.”
—Genevieve Goldman
8:36 PM PST
Sophia broke up with her boyfriend!
Called it.
She’s being eerily calm about it.
She didn’t like that guy.
???
How would you know that?
I assume no one likes anyone until uve been married for like 20 years.
According to that logic, your parents must like each other …
HOLY SHIT! I’d completely forgotten I have parents!
My mom won’t stop texting me about “Jane the Virgin.”
Ruth!! What a softie!
Have you really not called your parents??
No comment.
CHRISTIAN BALE VS THE DP
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Hate to steal your thunder, but you’re no longer the only person with a nemesis. Although, in my case, as you can see from the subject line, both the antagonist and the protagonist are heavily flawed.
Who is the incompetent cinematographer to my grisly Christian Bale (tortured/talented)? Why, it’s none other than my obnoxious teen therapist, Lily. Finally found out her first name! And it’s adorable, which makes it hard to scream in a believably angry way.
After weeks of not talking, other than to ask me to repeat myself, only for her to NOT write anything down, Dr. Lily decides to make an announcement. Apparently, I’m incredibly defensive. Defensive to what? Her soft chewing of hard candy? (Seriously, we’re talking three different Life Savers in the course of one hour.)
I wasn’t even sure that this woman was capable of audible speech and suddenly she’s accusing me of building walls and refusing to see anything outside of my own “self-diagnosis.” She had the audacity to ask me why I even come to therapy if I already have everything figured out and under control. I HAVE NOTHING FIGURED OUT AND EVERYTHING IS OUT OF CONTROL. Anyone who knows me knows this. Plus, I have to go the therapy or my parents will pull me out of school. That was the deal.
I tried to explain this to her, calmly, and she said, and I quote, “Why are you so angry?” WELL, NOW I’M REALLY ANGRY. Nothing pisses me off more than someone telling me I’m pissed off. (I have to assume this is an innate biological reaction, because how else would anyone respond to such infuriating commentary?)
The rest of the session was an angry blur. But I tried to explain my point of view.
1) I’m not defensive, I’m just filling the time with my own observations because she never says anything.
2) I’m more well versed in my particular brand of illness because I have been living with it for 14 years and she just met me.
3) I am very self-aware and do not find myself to be abnormally defensive.
Instead of engaging me in a conversation about her brand-new interpretation of me, she clammed up and leaned her head to one side. Do you know what’s the most effective way to make someone sound defensive? Force her to talk, for 20 minutes, about how she’s totally NOT defensive.
She is an evil genius. And I will destroy her.
I just want to go back to Dr. Miles and her comfy couch in Santa Monica. Maybe she can do Skype sessions. Or my parents will let me bring my car. A bunch of other freshmen have cars. I’m sure I can find three hours in the middle of the week to drive across the city and have a nice familiar face tell me that I’m making great progress.
“I hate therapy.”—Ava Helmer, 2017
Re: CHRISTIAN BALE VS THE DP
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
I appreciate your commitment to ending every email with a quote, but I have to call technicality on quoting yourself. If you became a meme or something, then MAYBE you could send said meme back to me, but until you go viral, please refer to outside sources.
What were you guys talking about when all of this happened?
“Whatever happens tomorrow, you must promise me one thing. That you will stay who you are. Not a perfect soldier, but a good [wo]man.”—Stanley Tucci
G
Re: CHRISTIAN BALE VS THE DP
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
We were talking about this kid in my writing class, Ben, who always critiques me unnecessarily. I can handle notes, but this guy goes after me, every time. And then, yesterday, he told me not to get defensive. Which obviously sparked a new word in Dr. Lily and she held on to it for dear life.
You don’t think I’m defensive, do you?
Re: CHRISTIAN BALE VS THE DP
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
How about them Yankees? Gonna be a great year.
Re: CHRISTIAN BALE VS THE DP
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Genevieve!
Re: CHRISTIAN BALE VS THE DP
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
OK. OK. Are you defensive? Yes. But everyone is defensive. And I think it’s a bit different for you because you do a lot of work of explaining your own behavior and thoughts to yourself so it’s extra hard to hear an outsider’s point of view and/or someone who spends no time considering her own actions (aka someone like me).
ALSO, this woman sees you as highly functioning. She doesn’t necessarily understand where you are coming from and the work you’ve had to do to get to this place. (Like me.)
So in conclusion, maybe you are defensive. But that doesn’t mean you will always be defensive. If anyone knows how to change for the better, it’s you. Remember when you used to shower three times a day? What are you down to now??
Life is a journey. Namaste.
Re: CHRISTIAN BALE VS THE DP
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I’m down to one shower and a foot wash.
I see your point. But I still hate her and hard candies.
2:56 PM PST
I just fell down in front of a large group of people.
Fell down how?
Tripped or touched ground?
Full ground.
Send pic.
I stood back up!
So ur fine;)
I hope one day something truly embarrassing happens to you and you are forced to understand my daily struggle.
You can’t be embarrassed if you don’t get embarrassed.
I hate you.
RIP. love u 2
3:12 PM EST
Charlotte wants to see me in her office.
That’s good!
Home is good.
Office is bad.
The drawbacks of banging your teacher.
#slutlife
HOT CO-ED NEWSLETTER