Lina 15
Every morning was a roll of the dice. Was I going to get Mean Telor or Nice Telor? More often than not, I got Mean Telor. I couldn’t explain his mood swings; it was like he forgot he was supposed to be a jerk and remembered halfway through the day. It was all an act—I knew it. A small part of my mind could see right through it.
Despite it, though, I found myself drawn to him every chance I got. Every morning, I got to work earlier and earlier. One reason was to avoid Gavin. It had been three weeks since I’d agreed to date Gavin. And for three weeks, I felt more and more like the fake that I was. But I was also a coward. That was why it had gone on this long.
The second reason was that Telor came in early every morning, too. We sat in the office, drank our coffee, and enjoyed the comfortable silence. For those thirty minutes, I felt like I could breathe, like there wasn’t this weight bearing down on me. It had easily become my favorite part of the day.
Speak of the devil. I held my breath as he walked in, wondering what Telor I was getting.
“Good morning,” he said, as he walked to his desk and tossed me a smile.
Looks like I’m feeling lucky today.
The day dragged on and on. It was only noon and I felt like it should be at least three already. Probably because the docent was out sick, so I was stuck giving tours. And giving tours equaled no Telor.
As I led the last group out, I flipped the sign to “Self-guide” and attempted to sneak back downstairs. I made it twenty feet before the bell at the front desk dinged. Pasting what I hoped would pass for a friendly smile on my face, I turned back to the desk.
“Hi, welcome to Saebo—” I started to say and stopped. Good thing I put a smile on my face. “Gavin. Hey…what are you doing here?”
“I came to surprise you,” he said, wrapping his arms around me and swinging me around. “I feel like we haven’t spent any time together in the last few days.”
That’s because we haven’t. “I know.”
“Do you want to go to lunch?” he asked, his voice hopeful.
Ah! Fight or flight, fight or flight. I’d never been much of a fighter and was scared of heights.
“Sure, let’s get lunch. I’ll buy,” I said, because I was a coward. His face lit up with his All-American smile. Dear God, I was going to end up marrying him just so I wouldn’t have to break his heart.
We ended up at Giovanni’s, a little deli across the street from the new courthouse. We spent the better part of lunch chitchatting about work and switching fabric softener because the one we currently had made his uniforms smell too girly. I tried to stay interested and failed miserably. My mind was on getting back to work, and he knew it.
He didn’t mention it, but we both knew that I wasn’t mentally there for lunch. On the walk back to the museum, he took my hand and laced our fingers together. Forcing myself not to yank it away, I took a couple deep lungs of icy air.
Telor was coming back from lunch as we reached the stairs out front. He was studying a flyer or something in his hand, not paying any attention to what was right in front of him. My first instinct was to rip my hand out of Gavin’s; like we were a couple of teenagers being caught making out. Instead, I tugged Gavin quickly up the stairs and through the door.
“Thank you for coming to see me,” I said quickly. I wanted him to leave and now. I knew it was unreasonable, but it felt wrong for Telor to see me with Gavin. “I’ll see you at home.”
“You’re very welcome,” he said, wrapping one arm around my waist and the other hand tangling in my hair. “I’ll see you tonight.”
When he kissed me, my mind screamed for me to stop. I pushed him away gently. “I’m at work.”
“Right.” He was disappointed. “Then I’ll see you later.” And with a last peck on my cheek, he left.
I literally almost sagged against the wall in relief. That was until I saw Telor standing in the doorway. I had been certain he would use the side door. His jaw was set in a firm line, and his arms were crossed over his chest. Hurt flashed across his face, before it changed to a smirk.
“Does lover boy know you're just not that into him?” he asked, making a wide circle around me to get to the hallway.
So much for Nice Telor today.
“What are you talking about?” If it was that obvious to Telor, then it must be obvious to Gavin.
“I mean, you're stringing this poor sap along, and you don't even like him.”
I opened my mouth to rip into him for being such a douchebag, but he held his hand up to stop me.
“Sure, he’s a friend. But that’s all he is. That look you had on your face when he kissed you? That wasn’t a look of enjoyment. It was a look begging him to get back into the little platonic bubble you’d put him.”
How had Gavin not noticed yet? If Telor could spout this off after only a couple encounters, then Gavin had to know. Right? Of course he did. But being Gavin, he was giving me time to sort things out. Jesus, how oblivious could I be? What was worse was that everything Telor said was true. Every single word of it.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I retorted. No need to let him know he was dead-on. “You don’t know anything about me or him, and you definitely don’t know anything about our relationship.”
“Your face told me everything I needed to know about your ‘relationship’ with him.” He laughed, continuing to the stairs. “Do him a favor, cut him loose. I’m sure there are girls lining up around the block to take your place. He won’t be lonely long.”
If he had been closer, I would have thrown something at him. Why did he even care? This was really none of his business. But that didn’t change the fact that he was correct. I needed to think about this with a clear head. What I really needed was for quitting time to roll around a lot sooner than usual.
Unfortunately, the day seemed to know I was willing it to hurry up, because it slowed down. The hours dragged on, until finally I was able to haul myself home.
Today, though, I waited outside a little longer. My night was only going to get worse the moment I opened the door, and I wanted to prolong the blissful silence of the porch for just a little while longer.
My options…continue this with Gavin, even though I was obviously not feeling anything, and see where it went. Or try to explain things to him now and attempt to salvage a small scrap of our friendship. Though, my gut was telling me that it might be too late for that.
Suddenly, I was certain that if I were to turn around, someone would be right behind me. It was crazy, but for some reason lately I was feeling eyes on me wherever I went.
So much for stalling.
Swallowing hard, I opened the door. Not hearing anything, I wondered if Gavin was even here. I closed the door quietly behind me and peeked into the kitchen. Empty. Moving to the living room, I saw him stretched out on the couch, his arm over his eyes. The too-small afghan from the back of the couch was covering only his torso.
“How was your day?” he asked, startling me. I thought he was sleeping.
“It was just okay.” I moved his feet and sat on the other end of the couch.
“Lina, baby,” Gavin said, still sprawled out on the couch, “what’s going on?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve been acting so different since your accident and even weirder since you went back to work,” he said. “If something is wrong, you need to tell me. I can’t fix what I don’t know.”
“You can't fix everything,” I answered. That was Gavin through and through. He was a fixer. He had the need to make everything better. And…for the most part I allowed it. Normally, I was more than happy to let him fix things for me while I sat on the sidelines.
“You need to tell me what’s going on!” he demanded again. He was getting frustrated. I could see it in the way he was fighting to keep his face neutral. “Is work becoming too much for you? I talked to Seline yesterday—”
“You did what? You talked to her again?” I asked, getting to my feet. “Why would you do that? I specifically told you not to.”
“Because I’m worried about my girlfriend, maybe?” he said, incredulously. “Or maybe because you’re my best friend, and I care about you? I don’t want to argue about this.”
We were about to argue about a whole lot more than his interference with my job.
“You can’t just go talking to my boss whenever you feel like it.” I tried to rein in my temper. “I’m an adult, and if I want to work for fourteen hours a day, I’ll do it. I thought I made that clear the last time we discussed this. I don’t go marching into the station when you’re there for hours upon hours.”
“That’s different,” he said.
“How?” I asked, crossing my arms over my chest. “Because your job is more important than mine?”
“I didn’t say that.” His voice wavered on the edge of defensiveness.
“You’re not denying it, either.”
“I worry about you,” he said, trying to placate me.
“You’re a cop, Gav,” I said through clenched teeth, so much for keeping my temper to a minimum. “You could get shot every day. You think I don’t worry? I do. But I don’t go raising hell about it.”
We were both silent, staring at each other. His face had words written all over it, but he didn’t voice any of them.
“So?” was all he said, when he finally spoke.
“So…” I took a deep breath, mentally preparing for possibly one of the worst days in my life. My stomach was in knots, and I honestly thought I might throw up. “Gavin, I think we need to talk.”
His face went from curiosity to perfectly blank. He had on his cop face. He never used his cop face on Jilsey and me—never. Can I really do this? Yes, yes you can. You have to do this. I saw the walls he was erecting every which way. I knew we had crossed a line that we couldn’t return to. I was about to lose one of my best friends, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
“This—” I was cut off by his cell phone ringing. He didn’t take his eyes off mine while he answered.
“Hollow,” he said. His voice sounded pretty hollow, too, ironically enough.
Whoever was on the other side of that phone was sure going on about something. It was a guy, I could tell that at least. Whatever he was saying, Gavin wasn’t too happy.
“Thanks. I’ll be there.” He ended the call and tossed the phone onto the coffee table. Maybe toss was too light of a term. He threw the phone, and the back came off and the battery went flying across the floor in the process. “You were saying?”
“Um...don’t you have to go?” I asked, half hoping he would say yes.
“I do. But it can wait five minutes while you say whatever it is that you have to say.” His voice was cold and hard. He knew what I needed to say.
“I think we need to re-evaluate our situation,” I said. That sounded so stupid. “I mean, a couple thing. Th-the c-c-couple thing…with us.” God, I was stuttering. I went to grab my ring and again remembered it was gone.
“Go on,” he said, sitting back, crossing his arms over his chest, and watching me.
“I don’t think we should do this,” I admitted, in a small voice.
“Why?”
Now, that was a loaded question. I could lie, but he would see through that and get even more upset than he already was. Or I could tell the truth, which would hurt him a whole lot more. Honesty was not always the best policy. I decided on a combination of the two, hoping that the truth would cover the small lie.
“You and Jilsey are the only family I have,” I said, burying my face in my hands. “I don’t want to ruin that.”
“Little late for that, Lina,” he bit out, and walked out of the room. Hell no, we’re talking. I followed him. “Maybe you should have thought about that before you decided to do this!” He was yelling now.
“I wasn’t thinking!” I said. “I thought I could do it, but I can’t. I’m sorry.”
“You know me, Lina,” he said, his voice a mixture of pleading and anger. Pleading with me to think about what I was saying—if I asked him right now to forget I said anything, he would, for a while at least—and anger that I’d kept it from him. He was packing a duffle bag with clean uniforms and plain clothes from the dryer. “Do you think I just thought one day ‘hey, let’s date Lina, maybe that’s a good idea’?”
“No! I know you didn’t. Jilsey told me you talked to her about it—” Son of a bitch. I covered my mouth, as if that would keep him from hearing it.
Gavin stopped moving and turned toward me.
“Jilsey said what?” He had his grip so tight on the dryer door that I was sure it was going to crumble in his fist like a piece of paper.
“Nothing. She didn’t say anything.” My blatant lie wasn’t lost on him, and it seemed to anger him more. My mind was telling my mouth to shut up, but my mouth was apparently not taking requests today. “I mean, she’s said stuff before about you, but never about us. Not until you had said something, at least.”
Gavin stood and walked toward me. I backed up until my back hit the fridge, wanting to keep some distance between us. I briefly considered just walking away but knew he would only follow me until I answered him. Instead, I looked at my feet so I didn’t have to meet his eyes, see the pain I’d put there. He told Jilsey that in confidence, it was never meant for my ears. I’d be upset too, but he wasn’t mad about that, not really. He was mad at me, and turning this molehill into a mountain.
“Lina, what did she say?” he asked.
I could feel the hurt rolling off him in huge tidal waves crashing against me as he tried to cover it with anger. I didn’t answer him. So, he put two fingers under my chin and lifted my face so he could see it. He didn’t say anything, just raised his eyebrows. Waiting for an answer he wasn’t going to get
“She didn’t say anything,” I repeated.
“Do you honestly think lying to my face is the best possible move you could make right now?”
A hysterical laugh bubbled in my chest and escaped from my mouth, adding insult to injury. “Do you honestly think there is anything I can say right now that won't piss you off further?”
Gavin’s expression didn’t change as he held my gaze for a moment longer. He backed up, took a deep breath, and grabbed his duffel bag.
“Where are you going?” I asked. From the phone call, I could gather it was something for work. But it wasn’t like Gavin—or any of us—to just leave without letting the others know where we were going.
“None of your fucking business,” he said, grabbing his car keys and slamming the back door behind him, causing the glasses to rattle in the cabinets and my teeth to rattle in my mouth.
The slam echoed through the kitchen. When his car squealed out of the driveway, I sagged with relief and took my first deep breath since I’d entered the house. Well, that went about as well as expected. A bottle of coconut rum on the counter caught my eye. Hello, old friend. I grabbed it and a Diet Coke from the fridge and made my way to my room, fully planning to wash away this day in sweet coconutty goodness.
This day was absolute shit. Not only had I broken Gavin’s heart, but I also lost him as a friend. And once Jilsey listened to the voicemails that I was sure he’d leave on her phone, I was going to lose her as well. Ugh, fuck my life. I took a mouthful of rum from the bottle and didn’t even bother to chase it. Not enough. I took another mouthful. The reality of the situation was starting to sink in.
I broke up with Gavin. He was never going to talk to me again. I was going to lose him forever. A heavy sob broke from my chest, and the tears started pouring from my eyes. I blinked them away just to see the picture of Jilsey, Gavin, and me from our camping trip last summer. We were covered in mud, glittering in the dark moonlight. Gavin took the picture, and you could only see from my chin up. We’re never going to have that again. Never. And it was all my fault.
One of the most selfish thoughts I’d ever had came to me: Could I give it another chance? Eventually fall in love with him? Keep things the same? No. Even as I thought it, I felt sick to my stomach. Which could also be from the rapid succession of shots I’d been doing though, too. I pulled my phone from my back pocket and scrolled to Gavin’s number.
My finger hovered over the send button momentarily before hitting it. I didn’t know what I expected. I certainly didn’t expect him to answer it. And he didn’t—it went to voicemail after the first ring. Hello, fuck-you button.
“You’ve reached Gavin Hollow, leave a message, and I’ll call you back.”
“Hey, it’s me,” I said, though I was not sure he could understand me through the tears. “I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry. I love you, and you know that. I wish we could go back to New Year’s and forget this all happened, but we can’t. And I’m sorry, Gavin. Please, just don’t hate me forever.” I hung up before I could make a bigger idiot of myself.
I buried my face in my knees and let the tears fall freely. When the tears finally dried up, I was alone again. As I opened my eyes, I was certain I saw a flash of black by my window. Telor? It was the first time I thought of him since I’d been home. A part of me wanted to believe that maybe he had been outside my window. The other part of me knew how those movies ended. I took another swig and walked toward the window. Bottle in hand in case I needed an impromptu weapon.
“Hello?” I said. “Is anyone there?”
No one answered, thank fucking God. I let out a lungful of air when my bedroom door burst open. I screamed and dived to the other side of my bed, taking the rum with me. For good measure, I took a few liberal sips. It was starting to get to me, and my head was floaty and light.
“You better hide!” Jilsey said. We seemed to be on the same page tonight as she was holding an open bottle of Jameson. Traitorous bitch, this was Kentucky, I was surprised they even sold that here. “I got off early because someone else wanted the hours and saw I have a voicemail from Gavin. Yay, he misses me. Wrong-O. Thanks for the fucking warning.”
“He just barely left!” I said. “His voicemail would have been on your phone first anyways!”
“He left two hours ago!” she yelled, coming to hunker down on the safe side of my bed with me.
“Really? That long?” How did time fly so fast? “He was mad, Jilsey. Really mad. He got called into work right when I started to tell him. Everything just got so messed up. I mean, I didn’t expect things to go well, but… hell, I don’t know what I expected.”
“What on earth could you have said to get that kind of reaction?” she asked, the bottle already at her mouth. “He left a ranting message about running my mouth to you about things he told me in confidence.”
“I broke things off with him,” I answered. Explaining it to Jilsey was going to be easier, she never judged. Well, not us, at least.
“You...why?” she asked, surprised.
“Honestly?” I sighed. ”I didn’t feel anything. I used to, but something’s changed. I don’t know what, but it feels wrong to be with him. Like I’m cheating on someone who doesn’t exist.” That was the God’s honest truth.
“I’mma guess that’s not what you told Gavin,” she said, guessing correctly.
“No,” I said. “It’s not. I told him that I didn’t want to mess up our family dynamic.”
“While I think you should have told him the truth, he shouldn’t have gotten so pissy with you,” Jilsey said. “It will blow over, and Gavin will love you just the same on the other side.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of,” I said, more to myself, though I was sure Jilsey heard it.
“Anything else going on you want to talk about?” she asked. She had that look—the one that parents got when they asked you a question they already knew the answer. “You can tell me anything. Absolutely anything.”
“Like what, Jils?” I really didn’t know where this was going.
“Just anything,” she said again. “Anytime you need an ear, for any reason. I’m here. No matter how crazy it sounds.”
“Thanks, Jilsey.” No matter how weird that was, I was glad to know I still had someone on my side. For a moment, I considered telling her exactly what I was feeling, letting her decipher it with an outsider’s perspective. I didn’t though. If she thought I was crazy, I couldn’t handle it. So, I kept my secrets to myself.
We sat in silence, drinking our vices for a little while. Jilsey seemed to be wrestling with something. Finally, she stopped chewing the hell out of her lip and said, “Gavin is up for promotion to detective.”
“When did that happen? Why didn’t he tell me?” It hurt to know that Gavin had kept something this important from me. I had no right to feel that way, but I was drunk and didn’t give a shit.
“Right before Christmas. He didn’t want you to be disappointed in him if he didn’t get it,” Jilsey said. “I’m going to go pee.” Thanks for sharing.
I lay down on my floor, off the area rug. The coolness of the hardwood was comforting to my too-hot body. My eyes were getting heavy, and I knew that I should tell Jilsey I was going to bed, but I didn’t want to move. She’d see me. The floor was fine. I was fine. Everything would be fine.