All night long Charlie was the perfect date—OK on his own when I had to do bridesmaid duties, charming and relaxed with everyone, gallant to a fault with me. When Coco tried to rearrange things at the last minute so that he could sit with me in the dining room, he insisted on having dinner on the porch with the rest of the non-wedding-party guests.
I missed him the entire time, and scarfed my food at record speed to finish faster and get back to him.
“Christ,” Mia whispered. “There are sparks flying from your fork. Anxious, are you?”
I laughed. “Yes. I’m having a lot of fun with Charlie tonight. He hasn’t annoyed me once.”
“That’s good. So what’s the deal with you guys? Still just friends?”
I forked another piece of chicken piccata. “Last night I would have said yes. But I don’t know…tonight feels different for some reason. And Thursday night at Cliff Bell’s, he kissed me in this totally different way.”
“You went to Cliff Bell’s?”
“Yeah, after the ballet. I haven’t had a chance to tell you about that yet.” I shoved the chicken in my mouth.
“The ballet?” Mia rolled her eyes. “For fuck’s sake, Erin. That’s dating. You guys are dating. You might as well admit it.”
I shrugged and swallowed. “I don’t know what we’re doing. But I really like him.” A hand came down on my shoulder. I looked up—it was Coco, looking desperately uncomfortable.
“I have to pee so bad,” she said. “I need help with the dress, though. Come with me?”
Mia and I followed her to the master bathroom upstairs. We each lifted one side of her dress, under which she wore—in true Coco style—silk stockings and a garter belt attached to a body-hugging slip.
“What the hell is that?” Mia shook her head. “It looks medieval.”
“It’s keeping all my lumps and bumps in place, thank you very much.” She lowered herself carefully onto the toilet and looked up at me. “OK, speak. What’s up with you and 21 Jump Street? He can’t take his eyes off you.”
My face heated. “I don’t know.”
“Are you still just friends?”
“No,” Mia said emphatically. “They are dating.”
“We’re more than friends, I think,” I admitted. “But I don’t know what, exactly.”
Coco stood up and leaned back to flush. “And you like him? Trust him?”
“Yes. I mean, I think so, but I have to be careful, you know? I don’t have the best luck with guys.”
Mia and Coco exchanged a look as we lowered the sides of her dress.
“What?” I said defensively.
“Nothing,” Mia said quickly. “It’s just that I don’t think you can compare this to your past relationships.”
“What do you mean?”
“She means that you don’t have bad luck. Everyone knew Tony was gay. And you probably knew it too.” Coco soaped her hands briskly at the sink.
My mouth fell open. “What? I did not know it.”
“Well, you should have.” Coco met my eyes in the mirror. “I’m sorry, and you know I love you, but it was totally obvious to everyone fairly quickly that he wasn’t going to be the one, because he liked boys better than girls.”
“She means, in her own sweet way,” Mia went on, giving Coco a savage look in the mirror, “that we think you sometimes choose the wrong guys to date on purpose. So that there isn’t any real danger of having to trust them. Then you can say it was bad luck in the end.”
“What?” My chest felt hot and sweaty all of a sudden. “I do not do that.” But I crossed my arms, as if I was exposed.
“You do, honey.” Coco dried her hands on a hand towel. “And we totally understand why.” She turned to me and put a hand on my shoulder. “But we love you. And we want you to be happy.”
“It seems like you and Charlie have great chemistry,” Mia said. “More than anyone we’ve ever seen you with. And we just don’t want to see you throw that away out of fear.”
“I’m not scared, you guys.” It was a huge lie. I was totally scared. “I’m just confused. He doesn’t talk to me.”
“Men.” Mia shook her head. “Lucas baffled me too, for the longest time. And we don’t always understand each other, but we love each other, and we try.” She put a hand over her stomach. “You know, I never thought I’d be here right now, married to and expecting a baby with a man I met on what was supposed to be my honeymoon.” She shook her head. “My honeymoon!”
I smiled. “Thank God we convinced you to go on that trip.”
“I know!” She rocked onto her tiptoes. “Because I so didn’t want to go. I thought you guys were crazy to insist on it. Remember?
“Yes. You were a total pain in the ass.” Coco winked at me, then turned to her reflection to check her makeup. “And if you would have told me six months ago that I’d be married to Nick Lupo, I’d have said you were fucking bananas. And now look.” She faced us again. “So sometimes, Erin, you gotta take a leap.”
Misty-eyed, Mia grabbed my hand. “I couldn’t agree more.”
I shrugged, fighting a tiny wave of sadness. “I don’t know that there’s a leap to take here, though. He doesn’t want me like that.”
“He does,” Coco insisted, putting a hand on my shoulder. “Trust me. I can see it.”
“Me too.” Mia squeezed my hand again. “Even if he can’t yet. Be patient, Erin. Nobody’s perfect.”
#
After dinner, after cake, after several glasses of champagne, we were back in the living room, this time side by side on a cozy love seat. The lights were even lower, the mood even more romantic. I was tucked beneath Charlie’s arm, my head tipping onto his chest. I couldn’t stop thinking about what Mia and Coco had said, that I chose the wrong guys on purpose so I wouldn’t have to worry about forever. About trusting someone. About giving myself completely. I supposed there was some truth to that. I’d known neither of the guys I’d dated seriously would turn out to be the one, but they were cute and fun and kind, and those seemed like good enough reasons to be with someone, at least at the time. And contrary to what Coco said, I did not know Tony was gay.
Confession: I had a suspicion.
But Charlie. Charlie was another thing entirely. And this thing with him was intense and wonderful and confusing as hell. If he still wanted no-strings sex, what was he doing here, holding me tight to his side, rubbing his fingertips up and down my arm that way?
I wanted to ask, but I couldn’t. Instead I sighed, and Charlie took it as a sign I was tired.
“Hey.” His voice was gravelly, and he cleared his throat. “You tired?”
“Yeah. I guess I am.”
“Been a long day for you.”
I sat up and smiled. “But a good one. I’m so happy for them. Let me get my stuff. My car is over at Coco’s parents’ house. Can you drop me there?”
“It’s late. You can get your car tomorrow.”
“But how am I going to get over there tomorrow? I’ll be stuck at home with no car.”
“I’ll take you. Don’t worry about it.”
I stared at him. He’d take me? Tomorrow? Did that mean he was staying over? My lips felt glued shut.
“There’s something I’d like to talk to you about, but not here.” He stood and offered me a hand. “I’ll pull the car up so you don’t have to walk so far in those heels. It’s been snowing all night.”
I nodded without speaking, and went to get my things.
The entire ride home, which was slow because of all the snow, my stomach pitched and rolled. What did he want to talk about? Was he staying the night? Did I want him to? Would it mean anything? Or nothing?
Or everything?
At my house, Charlie pulled up in my driveway, close to the back door. When I went to get out, he put a hand on my leg. “Just a minute.” He put the car in park but left it running.
“Don’t you want to come in?”
“I do, but—” He hesitated, his mouth twisting into a frown.
Oh Jesus. He’s still worried I want to trap him. Suddenly I was annoyed. “It doesn’t have to mean anything, Charlie,” I said irritably. “Just stay over. The roads are horrible. You can sleep in the damn guest room. The sheets are clean.”
His expression softened into an amused smile. “Of course they are.”
I glared at him.
“But if I stay over, I want to sleep with you.”
Surprise stole my voice for a moment. “You do?”
“Yes.”
“What about the general no sleepover policy?” I tilted my head. “Aren’t you worried I’ll get the wrong message?”
He tapped my nose. “God, you’re a pain in the ass. Do you remember every word I say?”
“Yes, when it’s that outrageously arrogant.”
“Well, forget what I said about that. It doesn’t apply to you. You’re different.”
“How so?” I held my breath.
“I want to stay the night with you.”
I blinked. That was it? That’s all I got? “Thank you. That’s very flattering. And so illuminating as to your feelings.”
Charlie groaned. “Look, I’m trying to do the right thing here, and it’s fucking hard, because I don’t know what the right thing is.”
“What’s so hard about this, Charlie? Do you like me? Check yes or no!”
“Yes!” he snapped, “but it’s not that simple.”
I steadied myself with a deep breath. “It could be, if you’d let it. I like you too, Charlie. You’re confusing the hell out of me right now, and I’m cold and tired and I want to go inside, but I like you.”
He stared out the side window for a moment before turning to me again. “I hate thinking about you being cold, you know that? All night long, when I’m not with you, I wonder if you’re warm enough and wish I was there to hold you.”
My jaw dropped. “Really? That’s so sweet.”
“Yes. You’re on my mind all the fucking time, and it’s not even all sexual.”
I laughed. “That’s…kind of sweet.” But I liked that he had sexual thoughts about me too. Lord knows I had them about him.
“Of course, a lot of my thoughts about you are sexual, but I also want to do things for you—things like lay your studio floor or hang shades in your house or make fires in the fireplace or buy you ice skates. I want to take you places and show you things and talk to you and ask you questions and argue with you. I want to tease you about the way you lied about being Homecoming Queen and made up a boyfriend named Tad Pitt and don’t like your food to touch and own a pair of fuzzy pink handcuffs. I imagine your body under your clothes and I want to cover it with mine, protect you from everything. I think about the guy who broke into your house and I want to fucking kill.” He took a breath. “But then I feel like what you need protecting from is me. I’m the one who could hurt you.” Turning his focus straight ahead, he frowned. “God, I’m horrible at this.”
“You’re not,” I said, putting a hand on his cheek and turning his face toward me again. “Not at all. This thing with us…it’s hard for me too. I promised myself I wouldn’t get carried away just because the sex was good, and now I find myself wanting more of you. But I don’t want you to think I’m trying to trap you or whatever. I don’t want to be just another girl who fell for you because you’re good in bed.”
“You’re not. I want to give you more.” He took my hand from his cheek and kissed my palm. “I do. I just need to go slow. I need time. Is that OK?”
“Of course it is. I need time, too, Charlie.” Again, I thought about what Mia and Coco said. “It’s not easy for me to trust people, and in the past I’ve made some choices based on fear, I think. I’ve played it safe so I wouldn’t get hurt.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.” He laced our fingers together.
“Yes, you do.”
He looked up at me sharply.
A slow grin stretched my lips. “And I want you to. All. Night. Long.”
“You’re asking for trouble, Erin Upton.”
I reached over and rubbed his cock through his pants, feeling it come to life beneath my fingers. “Turns out I like trouble. Who’d have thought?”