Lettie steeled her nerves, silently begging her body to stop shaking and regain the tight-laced control she’d been known for on the battlefield. She eased her grip on the bench, and feeling flooded back into her fingers, banishing the numbness and returning color to her knuckles. She only wished it were that simple to bring sensation back to the rest of her. Physically letting go was far easier than mentally and emotionally.

It would be far simpler to physically throw herself off a tall cliff than release her emotional hold on everything she’d experienced over the last six years. Then it would not matter the immense baggage she carried. It would be cast to the wind when she hit the earth below. Everything, all her worries, her remorse, her regret, and her loneliness wouldn’t matter, would not hold her down.

Her heart pounded as if attempting to escape the restraints of her chest.

That was the only way Lettie could see becoming the person she once was.

Through her own demise.

Ironic that she’d need to force her hellish burdens on others and cause her own death to free herself.

Maybe letting go was not an all or nothing commitment.

She’d loved Gregory with her entire being, that would never change; however, putting their time together in a box, sealing it, and seeing what else life held for her was no meager task. It would be more difficult than throwing her life away.

But Daniel was willing to help her and be there with her through it all.

As he was doing at this very moment. He remained silent as she processed everything he’d said, but stayed before her in case she needed his support.

Where had this man been when she’d so desperately needed him to understand her in their youth? If he’d given her what she’d longed for, lending even an ear to listen, she would not have been compelled toward Gregory…a man all too willing to take her as his own. Daniel had chosen gambling and drinking over her and their betrothal.

Lettie was hesitant to forget that simple fact.

“Can I tell you a story?” His hand brushed her knee when he moved to stand.

“I find I am not in the mood for happy stories.” She shifted, turning her gaze to the single candle as it neared the end of its wick. The dim room would soon be cast into total darkness. “It is difficult for me to believe that life—or at least the life I’ve experienced—can have any happiness or even serenity.”

“This is not a happy story. There is no fairy tale ending of love, contentment, or fulfillment, though you’ve asked several times why I haven’t wed since you left, and what has occupied me these many years.” He turned away from her and paced toward her unlit hearth before pivoting and retracing his steps. “My life has not been what I wished it to be. There were no pretty moments.”

His steps faltered on his final words, and he stopped, staring directly at her.

Oddly, the more she focused on Daniel, the less she noticed her trembling body. Was focusing the way to repair her mind, to draw the pieces back together and move forward?

She lifted her chin. “I have seen much worse than any story you could possibly share, Daniel.” Her voice didn’t waver, betraying the deep truth of the statement.

“Of that I am certain; however, it may explain how I’ve changed from the man I was when you called off our betrothal to who I am today.” He turned away from her again.

She was unsure if he was giving her privacy while he told the story, or if the separation was for him. It didn’t matter, Lettie wanted to know more no matter if it were happy or not, if only to keep her mind focused on problems that were not her own. The way her mind had easily swirled around ending her own life terrified her. Casting herself from a tall cliff—allowing body and mind to shatter completely when it hit rock bottom.

It was almost easy to feel the wind hit her face as she flung herself over the ledge.

Her heartbeat thrashed in her ears as she took a deep breath, begging her body to calm down and listen to Daniel

His story began, and his voice remained flat, detached and cold. It reminded her of the many years ago when she’d started to notice him pulling away from her and their friendship.

“It was Christmastide last year. I’d been invited to a party at Lord Gable’s townhouse. It was a night of uninhibited debauchery the likes of which even I hadn’t witnessed before. There was no end to the supplies of liquor, willing women, and high-stakes card games.” As the story progressed, his tone turned angry and clipped. He spoke of the extreme amount of illicit activities he’d helped himself to; the way he’d stumbled to the door shortly before the sun crested on the day of celebration. With a new reserved voice, he turned back to her. “When I departed Lord Gable’s home, a street urchin ran past me, one of Gable’s footmen in pursuit. The boy, Charlie, had stolen from the kitchens to feed his family. This wasn’t the first time; however, Gable was determined to make it the boy’s last.”

Lettie did not want to hear the rest of his story, but he continued anyways, his eyes locked on hers the entire time. Her stomach twisted at what could only come next, but all the same, her attention remained riveted on his words. “I tried to speak for the boy, promised Gable Charlie was sorry and that he’d never be seen on his property again, but the lord demanded I leave…without the child.”

She gasped, and her inhale caught in her lungs, burning to be released but trapped all the same.

“And so, I climbed into my carriage with unsteady legs and set off for home.” His head fell forward in defeat, and Lettie suspected the story did not end there. She could not have been more correct as he spoke again, his voice more hesitant than ever. “I traveled only two blocks before I called to my driver to turn around and deliver me back to Gable’s. But when I pulled into the drive, Gable, his footman, and the boy were gone. Nowhere to be seen.”

“Where did they go?” she breathed, her fingers clutching her crushed velvet gown.

He held up a single finger to quiet her, as though if she interrupted, he would lose the courage to continue. “As I was about to jump in my coach once more, I heard a child’s weeping…and the crack of a whip. I rushed around the house as another scream disturbed the early morning. A light burned brightly in the stables. I pushed the door wide as another cry of agony and the wiz of the whip echoed off the walls of the stable.”

Full body tremors overtook Lettie once more. She was stunned…speechless. She’d witnessed much at war; the death of men and many civilians, but never the unforgivable beating of a child. The men who took to the battlefields were willing and informed of the dangers they faced.

Her chest seized in pain, desperate to beg Daniel stop speaking or tell her it wasn’t true.

“I called for Gable to stop, I ran to aid the boy, but I was too late.” Daniel gasped, sucking down a big gulp of air and swallowing a sob. “As I entered the stable, the whip made one final arc and struck Charlie in the throat, ripping it wide. He fell back and knocked his head on a wooden post. He never regained his senses. Before the doctor could be called or the magistrate summoned, the boy perished in my arms. This is the scene that plays over and over in my nightmares.” He sank to the bench next to her, and it groaned in protest at their combined weight, but he didn’t leave her side as he took hold of her hand. “So, you may have witnessed much during war; however, you worked tirelessly to help those who were injured. I, on the other hand, allowed my drinking to get so far out of control I was unable to help Charlie. I fled. I froze. I didn’t act in time to save him. Instead of Charlie returning home with a loaf of bread for his mother and sisters to eat on Christmas morning, I knocked on his family’s door and gave them his battered and beaten body, wrapped in my evening coat. I have never told anyone this before.”

He slumped beside her, leaning gently against her.

She itched to hold him, slip her arm around his shoulders and draw him ever closer to her. However, every limb of her body felt heavy, the same as she’d felt each time a soldier lay deceased when she was unable to save them.

“Daniel, Lord Gable’s cruel nature was not your doing.” She was at a loss for how to console him—if that was even what he needed. If his anguish were anything like hers, Daniel hadn’t any idea what could help him move past Charlie’s death. His words only convinced Lettie that Daniel never meant to hide his past or keep her from knowing anything, but it had been to protect her. Protect her from men like Gable. “I cannot imagine your agony over having to return the boy in such a state.”

“Yes, I believe you can imagine it, Lettie.” He turned slightly to face her on the bench. “You lived my reality day after day for six years. Mine was a brief moment that changed my future in an instant. I cannot imagine the turmoil you are burdened with after so many years of tending the injured, watching men die on the battlefield, and holding soldiers as they expired under your care.”

“Not all died. Many lived and returned to battle or were sent back to England.” During all those years, she’d never stopped to think what the lasting burden would be on her soul. No thought had been given to what would happen when she returned to England when the war was over. She’d especially never dreamt of a future without Gregory at her side. Her husband had witnessed all the same horrors as she. Together, they could have worked through anything. The reality was, Gregory was gone. Lettie was left to deal with everything on her own now…and she was failing miserably.

“While I cannot imagine the extent to which that type of experience changes a person, I am here for you. I will listen whenever you want to talk. I can help you reconcile it all and move forward because, damn it,” he growled, “Lettie, you have a long life ahead of you. I will not stand by while you wither and rot alone in the country or here in town. I cannot condone your chosen exile for transgressions that are not yours to bear.”

Lettie wanted to believe him. Believe that he would stay by her side. Believe there was a way to work through the mounting burdens holding her down and making it hard to breathe. Believe that even though Gregory was gone, Daniel was here, and he would save her, repair her mind, and stop the terrifyingly tangible nightmares.

“You must find meaning in life again, find your passion, and hold tight to it.” He placed a kiss to her forehead, his warm lips banishing her chill. “All these years, you’ve been my passion. My drive to continue even though I was lost. It only took that heartbreaking Christmastide morning at Gable’s to realize it all. You are bravery and courage personified, Lettie. You were strong and daring when I was nothing but weak and into my vices. You left everything you knew and leapt feet-first into the unknown—both in love and life. Bloody hell, I want you to show me how to live like that.”

Daniel tenderly kissed her again, trailing light pecks across her forehead and down her cheek, kissing away the tears she hadn’t realized were falling. “I am none of those things, Daniel. I am a fraud.”

“No, you are more authentic than I have ever been. When I was crushed by my father’s death and embraced a path of self-destruction, leaving my betrothed behind, it was you who picked up the pieces and found love for yourself with Gregory. Love and a new future. It was that morning, after leaving Charlie’s family I made the decision to change. Live a life worth remembering, not endless days in a stupor with hazy memories of women and parties I couldn’t quite grasp.”

She’d never thought that his rakish behavior was because he was hurting. “I wish I could have been there for you,” she exhaled as his lips reached hers. What might have developed between them if she’d stopped to wonder the reasons behind Daniel going from her childhood friend to a man she didn’t recognize—almost overnight. Things could have been different had she not punished him for sinking into a life of debauchery. They could have found companionship and love, as had always been their parents’ intentions.

Instead, they’d each chosen vastly different paths.

Lettie had chosen love and hardship with Gregory, while Daniel had set his sights on exploring all the vices the London underworld had to offer a man with more money than he knew what to do with and scruples that were seriously compromised by suffering.

Neither of them could turn back time and make different choices. Though Lettie longed to know what could have been had they both been strong enough to pick each other up instead of pushing one another away.