Chapter 4
Nikki
Do you ever get that feeling of dread curling into your stomach? Like you know some serious shit is going to hit the fan and it’s going to be soon and there is no way in hell you’d be abled to stop it, you just had to roll with the punches and hope for the best. That’s exactly the feeling Nikki was experiencing at this current moment. She kept looking at the clock, waiting for Grant to arrive home. It was past five and he hadn’t called to tell her he was going to be late. It was a little unusual. Of course, he hadn’t told her the other day either, so maybe this was a new trend for them?
Maybe it was her guilty conscience getting the best of her. She didn’t think so though.
Nikki held Jasmine closer to her chest as she rocked her to sleep. Normally, Jasmine wouldn’t go down to sleep this early; it was as if she were anticipating the impending storm and wanted to miss it.
Nikki wished she could sleep so effortlessly and soundlessly as her daughter. Alas, she couldn’t. After leaving Dr. Greer’s house, she’d felt justified and satisfied she did what she had to do, but upon arriving home and settling back in bed, the doubts began to surface. What she’d done was a huge betrayal of his confidence. It had been wrong. The right thing would have been to let him know what she’d done when he’d woken up and before he’d left for work, but she’d been a coward and it didn’t feel good. Instead, she’d pretended to be asleep when he peeked into the bedroom to check on her before leaving for the day.
“Well, let’s get you to bed, sweet girl,” Nikki whispered as she proceeded up the stairs to the second floor. Entering her daughter’s bedroom, she gently laid the baby into the crib, giving her one last look before exiting, closing the door behind her and clipping the baby monitor onto her belt.
Nikki was descending the stairs when she heard Grant’s car pulling into the driveway. Her entire body tensed as she took the last couple of stairs, reaching the bottom floor. This was going to be a bad night. Even if he hadn’t heard anything from his superiors, she was going to fess up and tell him the entire truth of what she’d done.
Rushing into the kitchen, she began to pretend she was getting ready for set up for suppertime. Best to act casual, she told herself, despite her trembling inside.
When he appeared in the doorway, his expression unreadable, her heart stopped for what felt like an eternity, but she was still alive so that certainly wasn’t it. “Grant, you’re home earlier than usual.” That was the best she could come up with.
“It was a bit of a light day.”
“Oh? What would you like for dinner? I haven’t started cooking yet.” Opening the refrigerator door, she looked inside attempting to find something to cook, though she wasn’t really seeing the contents. “Jasmine is asleep early. How was work?” Anger flashed in his eyes at the mention of work and she groaned inwardly. Yep, her plan to involve Dr. Greer worked, either that or it had blown up in her face. While she was happy he wouldn’t be going somewhere dangerous, she still felt guilty and knew a fight was about to break out.
He pulled out one of the wooden kitchen chairs from the four-person table, slipped out of his jacket, draped it over the back of the chair and then took a seat. Placing his elbows on the table, he leaned forward and hit her with a stare that made her tremble inside. “You tell me.”
Turning from the fridge, she looked at her husband and chewed at her lower lip, not sure what to say. The gig was up. What to say, what to say, what to say... Her mouth opened to say something, but no sound came out.
“Okay, so let me start since the cat seems to have your tongue. Dr. Greer had a little chat with my boss. You know my boss, you’ve met him, Agent Blare.”
Nikki swallowed down the lump forming in her throat as she nodded. He needed to understand she did it for them. For their family. So, she didn’t end up a widow and their newborn child fatherless. Was that so horrible? Did that make her such a bad person? Sure, she’d gone about it in a not so great way, but she was doing it for her family. He needed to see that. Had to.
“My boss seems to think that you might have some information on that. Now, I told him that there was no way you’d ever interfere in such a way. That we had the type of marriage that if you had an issue you’d come directly to me, not try to pull a fast one by getting the doc involved. Potentially killing my career for good.” He spoken in an eerily even and calm voice. It was even worse than if he screamed and yelled at her. Much worse.
Well, shit…
~*~ TT ~*~
Grant
Seeing her squirm gave him a sense of satisfaction. On the drive home he’d been steaming. He doubted he’d ever been this angry with anyone. He’d certainly never been this angry with her, and she’d done a number of crazy things in their time together. This took the cake. However, as he drew closer to the house, he’d tried to see her point of view. She was scared and upset, and she had a lot of her plate. He knew he was adding to it by wanting to go away for work. As he neared their home, his mood began to soften.
She did what she felt she had to do and he was doing what he felt he had to by going back overseas to work. They would just have to come to some sort of compromise. But he was going to let her squirm a while longer yet. He was curious to see what types of excuses and justifications that she’d come up with to appease him.
She sighed as she released a breath, and he could see her shoulders slump. Moving away from the refrigerator she plunked down into the chair opposite of him and shrugged. He was used to seeing Nikki feisty and full of fire. The woman before him looked defeated. It tugged at him, seeing her this way. Had he been the one to turn her into this? He supposed he was to a large extent.
“I’ll cut the bullshit and tell you how it is, straight out.”
“I’d appreciate it if you did.”
“After the shooting, we made an agreement and you broke it. You almost died and yet you’re headed back into the thick of things even though you now have a family that needs you.”
True. It was all true. He’d gone back on his word. He wished there was some way he could explain to her how important his job was to him. “You fell in love with me because of what I did for a living. It’s ingrained into who I am, Nik. I honestly thought I could give it up. I thought I could sit back and push some papers and that would be that. But it wasn’t. Each day I see men preparing for missions, being sent off and then coming home looking and feeling more alive then when they left. I know what that feeling is like, because I used to feel it. But now… What am I now?”
“You’re a father and husband. You’re a man who has saved lives for years. Isn’t that enough?”
It should have been enough. But it wasn’t. There was something deeply entrenched within him that made him need to do this, he needed this as much as he needed to breathe. How could he explain it to her so that she understood?
“I see your point.” He reached across the table and took her hands in his, the gesture caused her to relax and a hint of a smile touched her lips, though her eyes still shone with upset and anxiety. “And even though I’m raging angry over you going behind my back to Dr. Greer, I understand why you did it. It doesn’t make it right, but I understand why you felt it was your only option. We’ve both done things over these past few months that perhaps weren’t the best choices. But I need you to understand where my head is…” He paused waiting for her to acknowledge what he’d said.
She slowly nodded. He decided to take the nod as her being open to what he had to say. “Yes, I’ll agree that there are lot of agents who can do what I do. And some even have more experience than I do. But for this job, I am the very best person the CIA has. You need to believe me on this. Yes, it’s dangerous. Every job I’ve been on since I took a field position with the agency is dangerous, but I can handle situations. And I come home, each and every time.”
“What if you don’t come home this time.” Her eyes began to well up with tears. It broke his heart and made him feel like this biggest bastard on earth. Maybe he was. What kind of asshole puts his job over his family. This was tearing him apart.
“You just said there were others who could do it!” she protested, her soft, dainty hands grasping his tightly as if she let him go now, he’d be gone forever.
“I’m set up for this. I’ve worked years getting myself lined up to take these people down. It could take months, up to a year even for someone else to get themselves positioned to break this group apart. A lot of lives will be lost in the process.”
“Could be,” she corrected, sniffing. “You don’t know that.”
“I do know, Nikki. I know a lot of people will die if I don’t do what has to be done and soon.”
He could see the anxiety in her eyes and expression. He was putting a lot on her shoulders, he knew this and regretted doing it. But what he was saying was the absolute truth. She needed to know it wasn’t just about his vanity and his need to fulfill some death wish or James Bond fantasy, but real people, innocent people getting affected each day action wasn’t taken. He’d be the first one to admit that ego and the thrill was certainly a factor, but it wasn’t the end game. His own personal needs weren’t the reason he was willing to leave the woman and child he loved.
“You’re dead set on this aren’t you?” She sighed, tears welling up in her eyes.
Dammit, tears.
“It’s what I have to do.”
She nodded. Nikki was done with the fight and he’d won. Though he didn’t feel any satisfaction in the win. None at all.
“Is there anything in particular you want for supper?” She sniffed, stood and made her way to the refrigerator, opening the door and scanning the contents, acting as though their conversation never happened.