Darlene
On the way home from the Dance Academy, I opened the contacts in my phone a hundred times to call Max. Each time, my thumb hovered over the call button, and each time I chickened out.
You know what he’ll tell you to do. He’ll say you have to tell Sawyer the truth.
I squeezed my eyes shut as the Muni train rumbled and swayed beneath me.
With every passing block, my resolve waxed and waned. Yes, Sawyer deserved the truth, and I started to call Max for moral support in that endeavor. The next instant, the thought that Sawyer would hate me filtered in, and I shoved the phone away.
Instead, I let my fingers touch my lips, where I could still feel Sawyer’s kiss. Our first kiss. My heart crashed against my chest at the sense memory.
Sawyer’s mouth on mine was exactly as I had imagined it and nothing I had ever prepared for. Soft and hard. Sweet and masculine. Demanding and generous at the same time. I wanted more of his kisses, his body holding mine tightly to him. I thought of how he looked at me…
He won’t look at me the same way if I tell him.
By the time I’d arrived at the Victorian, my stomach was a knot of nerves, worry mixed with butterflies of excitement. I dashed up the two flights of stairs to my place, hoping the exertion would burn off the anxiety and I’d know what to do.
“Why do I have to tell him at all?” I asked my empty studio. “There’s no reason! It’s in the past and that’s where it should stay.”
I took a hot shower, scrubbing my skin with a loofah, as if I could scrub out the whispers of memory imbedded there; of nights spent on a jail cell cot, or on a hospital bed with an IV drip in my arm to flush out the heroin…
Even though the drugs were long gone, the shame they left behind hurt in so many ways.
I stepped out on a cloud of steam, wrapped myself in a towel, and grabbed the phone. Before I could stop myself, I jabbed Max’s number.
“Hello, Max speaking.”
“Hi, it’s me.”
“Hey, Me. What’s up?”
“Sawyer kissed me,” I blurted. “And we have a date tonight. I just thought…as my sponsor, you should know that.”
A silence.
“Are you there?”
“I’m here,” he said slowly. “Processing. Is there anything else you want to tell me?”
“Nope. That’s it.” I wrapped a lock of dripping hair around my finger. “He’s taking me out to dinner. Oh, and we went dancing on Saturday night too. It was fun. No big deal.”
See how well I’m handling this? I wanted to shout.
“Okay.”
Max hadn’t been able to get out of a shift on Monday night and had missed the NA meeting with me. I’d considered that lucky at the time, but now I wished he’d been there. I wished I’d talked.
I wish I could talk.
A small sob tore out of me, and the pretend bravado gusted out with it. I sank onto my little loveseat. “Fucking hell, Max, this sucks.”
“I know,” he said. “Tell me.”
“I want to. I want to be honest. I do. That’s why my stomach is in knots, isn’t it? Sawyer isn’t like any other man I’ve ever been with. I’m not just attracted to him, Max. I like him. A lot. In a different way than I’ve ever… liked a man. And his little girl…” Tears sprang to my eyes. “I like her, too. So much. And I want…”
“What, Dar?” Max asked gently. “What do you want?”
Everything.
“I don’t know,” I said. I wiped my eyes irritably. “I hate that no matter what I do, I’ll always be that girl. The girl who was weak and sad. Who had this big yawning hole of want in her, and filled it up with terrible shit. And you know what? The drugs are gone but the want is still there, and the good things I want to fill it with are right in front of me but I’m scared to grab for them.” My voice turned small and watery. “I’m scared, Max, that he’ll hate me.”
“If he’s any kind of a good guy, he won’t hate you, Dar. But you have to tell him. Not just so he lives with your truth, but so that you do too. That’s fair to him and it’s fair to you. You deserved to be loved as you are, Darlene. Not in bits and pieces.”
I sniffed. “How come you’re not telling me to cancel the date? To forget about all of this and stick to my year-long men boycott?”
“Unreasonable expectations…” he said gently. “Besides, telling you not to love is like depriving a flower of sunlight. You aren’t meant to be contained, Darlene. It would be a crime against humanity. Just do it honestly, okay? And then tell me all about it. Then tell the group all about it at tomorrow night’s meeting.”
I nodded against the phone, my tears burning hotly down my cheek. “God, this is so hard.” I huffed a sigh. “Can’t I sleep with him first?”
Max laughed. “You’re going to be fine, I promise. Okay?”
“Okay. I should go. I have to get ready for this dinner. What does one wear to tell a future criminal prosecutor that you’re a former criminal?”
“Something with bold patterns. Maybe ruffles…”
I sniffed a laugh.
“Call me later, Dar.”
“I will.”
I hung up and stared at the phone. Then I got dressed for my first—and probably last—date with Sawyer Haas.
I chose ruffles after all. I put on a soft, prairie style blouse-dress in light beige with tiny pink and green flowers. It had puffy sleeves and a high collar, but barely skimmed the tops of my thighs. I paired it with white ankle boots, and piled my hair on my head in a loose, messy bun with tendrils falling down, to frame my face and show off my lucky gold hoop earrings.
I glanced at myself a final time in the mirror as the clock read seven.
“You can do this,” I told my reflection and heaved a sigh. I plastered on a wide smile. “Hi, Sawyer! Guess what? I spent three months in jail for misdemeanor drug possession. I just wanted to do the responsible thing, and tell you that before you let me babysit your daughter again.”
I covered my eyes with my hand.
“He’s going to hate me.”
The doorbell rang.
“Oh, God.”
I sucked in deep breaths and smoothed my dress.
“Okay, here we go.”
I mustered a pitiful amount of mental fortitude, and it all fled the exact second I opened the door.
Sweet Jesus, no fair. No fair at all.
I forgot how to breathe and my heart sent rushes of heated blood throughout my entire body. Sawyer was dressed up as he had been on Saturday night, only this time he was dressed up just for me. He wore a black jacket, white dress shirt—unbuttoned at the top—black slacks and a stylish leather belt with a sleek silver buckle around his slender waist. He looked casually elegant—like a Best Man at a wedding after the ceremony was over; where every bridesmaid was ready to drop her panties for a stolen moment with him in a closet during the reception.
“I…oh my God,” I stammered, my eyes drinking him in. “You are…so hot.”
I cringed at my clumsy words but Sawyer didn’t seem to have heard.
“Darlene…” he said. “You’re...” His words tapered to nothing as his gaze swept over me unabashedly.
“Take a picture, it’ll last longer,” I joked weakly.
“Oh, I did,” he said, and gave his head a little shake. He withdrew a bouquet of three white roses from behind his back. “It’s the best I could do on short notice.”
“They’re beautiful,” I said.
“You’re beautiful,” he said. “You’re stunningly beautiful, Darlene.”
“Thank you, Sawyer,” I said, and my cheeks warmed at the lovely compliment even as my anxiety deepened into a deep blue of sadness for how I was going to ruin the perfection of this night. “I’ll just put them in some water.”
He waited by the door as I scrounged for a vase. A tall drinking glass was all I could find. I put the flowers in it with shaking hands, and grabbed my black coat. Sawyer helped me into it.
“Where are we going?” I asked in a small voice, as we headed down the stairs.
“A restaurant called Nopa,” he said, his own voice sounding thick. “Jackson said it’s a good one.”
At the bottom of the stairs, in the entry of the house, Sawyer’s hand snaked out to grab mine. He pulled me close, and his hands slipped around my waist. I melted against him as he hauled me in for a deep kiss. His tongue slid against mine, then swept through my mouth. I clung to him, the clean taste of him, the scent of his masculine cologne, the softness of his lips, the intense want that coiled in his muscles under my hands…they all bombarded my senses and threatened to melt me into a puddle at his feet.
“The kiss is supposed to come at the end of the date, but I can’t help myself,” he said, his voice gruff, his eyes dark and so beautiful in the dim light.
“You don’t have to stop,” I whispered, kissing him again. “We don’t have to go out. We can stay here. Go upstairs and…”
Not say a word.
“God, you have no idea how badly I want that.” He kissed my neck, my cheek, just under my ear. He pinned me to the wall with his body and my hips adjusted to him on their own so that he fit so perfectly against me. His erection brushed me between my legs.
“Or maybe you have some idea…” he said hoarsely.
I pressed my body into his as his hand slid up my thigh, to the lacy thong I wore beneath the dress. One more moment, one more touch and he would take me upstairs, and it would be too late to tell him. I wouldn’t have to. It would be so easy…
“Jesus,” Sawyer whispered. He backed off so that the only place we touched was his forehead pressed to mine, and his hands on my hips, bracing himself. “Okay, wait,” he said. “I want to take you out. I’m going to take you out.” He grinned sheepishly. “Just give me a minute.”
My heart ached at that grin, one that I don’t think many people saw. He was so serious, so stressed, all the time. But with me he smiled and made jokes and let himself be a little bit vulnerable.
And once I told him what I’d done, it would all go away.
I took his handsome face in my hands. “Do you ever wish you could take a moment and keep it forever? Like right now…how you taste on my mouth, and your hands on me, and your eyes…God, Sawyer, the way you’re looking at me… If I could have just one moment, one feeling, and live in it forever, I would choose this one.”
Sawyer’s brows came together, his smile tilting. “No one’s ever said anything to me like that before.” His hands came up to take mine. “But you look...sad. Is everything okay?”
The words came to my lips and I nearly let them out. I drew in a breath…and let that out instead.
“Yes, sure. Sorry, I don’t know what came over me. I’m hungry, I guess. We can go. We should go.”
Sawyer held the door for me, and I walked down to the street, wishing for San Francisco’s allegedly famous cold wind to slap some sense into me. But the heat wave was lingering long enough that I hardly needed my coat.
“The restaurant isn’t far,” he said. “We could walk or Uber. Up to you.”
“Let’s walk,” I said. Maybe, I thought, if I kept moving my body, I could work out the nerves and be able to talk. “So…where is Olivia tonight?”
“Jackson took her over to Henrietta’s,” Sawyer said. “Olivia knows her. Before I moved to the old Vic and was blessed with the miracle of Elena, Henrietta did all my babysitting.”
“Have you lived in the Victorian long?”
“Almost a year now. When Olivia’s mom left her with me, I had to move there.”
“Why?
“Jackson and I, and some buddies of ours, had a killer place on Stanyon Street. Big parties every month. Not a place to raise a baby.”
“No, I guess not,” I said.
His expression took on a tint of faint wistfulness, as if he were talking about something he’d had that was gone forever.
“All of UC Hastings showed up at our parties. They all had costume themes, like Marvel heroes, favorite musicians, evil-doers. No costume, no admittance.”
“Evil-doers?”
“Yeah, you had to dress as a villain. From anything; movies, comics, TV, books…It was awesome.” He chuckled. “One time, a chick showed up dressed as Lizzie Borden and brought her own axe.”
“A real axe?”
“We confiscated that pretty quickly. Axes and tequila do not mix.” The wistful look came over his face again. “Yeah, those were fun times. Seems like a lifetime ago. Olivia’s lifetime ago.”
“Do you miss it?” I asked.
“Yeah, I do,” he said. “But she’s worth it. No more parties for me.”
“Yeah, me too,” I said, keeping my gaze firmly on the sidewalk sliding under my boots. “I used to party pretty hard.”
There. That was the truth. Ish.
“Yeah?” Sawyer asked. “If I had an Evil-Doer party next weekend, who would you come as?”
A convict.
“I don’t know,” I said. “Catwoman, I think. Michelle Pfeiffer’s version.”
Sawyer’s grin turned sly. “I wouldn’t mind seeing you in that costume.”
I managed a smile.
“She’s not truly evil though,” I said. “She’s vulnerable too, which is why I like her. But I think it would be nice to maybe not care so much about everything all the time. It’s not always easy being the good guy, especially when being good or nice is so often mistaken for being weak.”
“What do you mean?”
I shook my head. “I’m nice at the spa, I’m nice with the dance troupe, but I can’t seem to do anything right with either group.”
Sawyer scowled. “Why not? Are they being assholes to you?”
“No, just…indifferent.”
His scowl deepened. “I find it hard to believe that anyone could be indifferent where you’re concerned.”
His hand closed around mine, holding on to me just as tightly as I held on to him, and maybe I was weak and cowardly, but it felt too good to let go.
The street around us had changed from rows of old houses to a bustling city. The restaurant, Nopa, was a squat building that looked somewhat plain on the outside, but I could tell even before I saw the menu on the outer wall that it was a ‘nice place,’ as my Grandma Bea would say. The kind where your food didn’t come with a side of vegetables; you had to order them separately.
I turned to Sawyer.
“Hey, how about pizza and a walk along the Pier? And ice cream sundaes after?”
Sawyer’s smile tilted again. “You don’t like the menu…?”
“It looks amazing. But…I don’t want you to spend a lot of money on me.”
“The reservations are made,” he said. “And I told you, I want to. I don’t want to be cheap or…tacky. I want to take you out and have a nice dinner. I want to talk and then maybe take a walk somewhere, and kiss you goodnight at your door, and leave it at that.” He brushed the backs of his fingers down my cheek. “You’re not like any other girl, Darlene. I’m not…indifferent about you.”
I swallowed and blinked hard. “You don’t have to prove anything to me, Sawyer.”
“Maybe not, but this is for me too. I’ve never been on a real date, remember?” His charming grin reappeared. “You going to deprive me of the experience?”
I managed a smile. “How could I do that?”
He held the door open for me. “After you.”
The interior of Nopa was industrial chic, with cement floors and elegant booths in gray leather. Amber lights cast a golden hue over the crowds that talked and laughed over pork chops or roasted salmon.
A host ushered us to a table for two, and I sat across from Sawyer, a candle flickering between us. We opened our menus and my stomach dropped. The prices weren’t outrageous but this was definitely a ‘nice’ restaurant. Even the beers were expensive and had eccentric names.
A waiter in a black apron approached us. “Something to drink?”
Sawyer looked to me. “Would you like wine?”
My gaze darted to the wine list and the double-digit—and triple digit—numbers beside the bottles.
“No, thank you,” I said and smiled weakly. “Not a fan.”
Sawyer smiled back. “A Coke with three cherries, maybe?”
“I’ll just have water for now.”
“I’ll have a Death and Taxes Lager,” Sawyer told the waiter. “I don’t think I have a choice.”
“Inevitable,” the waiter agreed, and the two men chuckled at the joke.
Inevitable, I thought. What a horrible word.
It was inevitable that Sawyer would have to know about my past. If we continued seeing each other he’d have to know where I went three nights a week. If he needed me to babysit on a Monday, Wednesday or Friday, I couldn’t do it, and he’d want to know why.
And then there’s the whole ‘being your honest self’ thing. You might want to try that.
I looked over at Sawyer, devastating in black and white, and the inevitable felt impossible.
“God, you look…so handsome right now,” I said.
“Thank you…”
“I’m not kidding. Your mouth…God. You have the most beautiful mouth.”
Sawyer shook his head, laughing. “Okay, wow. Every time I think I’m used to how direct you are…”
“I’m not always direct. Not when it counts. But I’m very serious about your mouth. And when you kissed me…I’ve never been kissed like that before. I’ve never been smiled at by a man the way you’re smiling at me now. It’s almost too much.”
Sawyer’s smile froze on his face then wilted as tears filled my eyes.
“Darlene, what’s wrong?”
“It is too much.” I set my menu down. “This place. It’s too nice. Too much for you to spend on me.”
“It’s not…”
“It is, because…” The words choked my throat. “It’s not fair to you.”
Sawyer frowned. “What are you talking about? I want to be here with you. I want to spend money on you and—”
I shook my head vigorously, my tears falling faster now. “No. No, you shouldn’t. You work so hard and you take such good care of Livvie, and I’m just…I’m not what you think, and I’m sorry. This was a mistake. I’m so sorry, but I have to go. I have to…”
The waiter returned. “Are you ready to order?”
“No, I have to go.”
I rose to my feet, and my chair scraped loudly. Diners at other tables were looking at us. The waiter’s eyebrows rose.
“Darlene…” Sawyer leaned over the table. “What’s going on?”
“I can’t do this. It’s not right and I just… can’t.”
I grabbed for my purse on the back of the chair but the damn thing was snagged.
The nearby diners were snickering and murmuring now.
“No, no, it’s not him,” I said loudly. “It’s not him. He’s wonderful. He is…” I looked to Sawyer who was staring at me in a kind of mild shock. “You are, Sawyer. You’re wonderful, and I’m so sorry.”
I yanked my purse off, knocking my chair over, and stumbled out of the restaurant.
“Darlene, wait.”
Outside, I walked faster, my boots clopping on the cement, and then a hand closed around my arm.
“Darlene, come on.” Sawyer pulled me to a stop and turned me to look at him. “You’re scaring me. What just happened?”
“Nothing,” I said, and that was so obviously a lie, I cringed at my own cowardice. “I can’t tell you. I can’t. Please…I need to go.”
“No,” he said, his dark eyes hardening. “You need to tell me what the hell is going on.” His expression softened slightly. “Are you okay? Tell me.”
“I…I can’t…” I whispered. “I don’t want to…”
Sawyer’s jaw clenched and he looked away for a moment. “Is there…another guy?” he asked tightly.
I froze, the absurdity of it shocking me. “What? No…”
“Is it what’s his name? Max?”
“No, nothing like that.”
“Are you sure? You mentioned him a couple of times and he’s always texting you…”
Sawyer bit off his words, and carved his hand through his hair.
“Dammit, Darlene, I don’t want to be that guy. The jealous asshole. So I never asked about Max or where you go some nights. It wasn’t my place, but then our moment in the dance studio happened, and now it feels like it is my place. I mean…I’m not saying you can’t see other people. We haven’t figured anything out. But I have to be honest, if you are seeing other people, it would fucking suck, okay? And I think you should tell me, so I know the score.” He held his hands out, a hard, joyless smile playing over his lips. “So there. I guess I’m a jealous asshole after all.”
The tears blurred my eyes so I almost couldn’t see him. “You...you would be jealous if I were seeing someone else?”
“Jesus, do I have to say it again?” Sawyer gave an incredulous shake of his head. “What the hell, Darlene, just tell me.”
“I’m scared,” I whispered. “I’m scared that if I tell you what I need to tell you, you’ll never look at me like you looked at me tonight.” My lips trembled over a teary smile. “I just wanted that for a little bit longer, you know? That feeling…?”
Sawyer held my gaze a moment, and then swallowed hard. “Darlene,” he said gruffly. “I haven’t so much as touched a woman in almost a year. You’re the first. Because I care about…I think about you…”
He clenched his teeth and carved his hand through his hair again.
“Fucking hell, I can’t talk about what I feel. I don’t. I never do. My life has been Olivia and law school and keeping my goddamn head above water. And that’s it. And then you came along and now everything’s different. It’s better. It’s better, Darlene, when I’d sort of given up on being happy.”
“Oh, God, don’t say that,” I whispered. “Or no, I want you to. Part of me wants you to keep talking because it’s incredible to me that I could…be that for someone. For you. But it makes this so much harder.”
He looked to the ground and planted his hands on his hips, bracing himself. “Just tell me the truth. Are you seeing someone else?”
“No,” I said. “I—”
A text came in on my phone, and I knew without looking it was Max. He’d gotten the news about his transfer. I froze and Sawyer’s expression hardened to stone. The rare vulnerability in his eyes vanished. He was walling himself up, second by ticking second. Another chime came, and then my phone rang.
“It’s him, isn’t it?” Sawyer said.
“Yes. But he’s not… I’m not dating him. I’m not dating anyone.”
“Then who is he?”
“A friend, I promise. He’s… not what you think.”
Sawyer held up his hands as he walked backward a few steps. “I don’t know what to think.” My phone rang on and on. “You should get that,” he said, then turned and strode away.
I watched him go, the words to call him back stuck in my throat. My phone went quiet, then started ringing again. I fished it out of my bag.
“Hi, Max,” I said softly.
“Hey, Dar.” He sounded breathless and exhilarated. “I’m calling you first. Before my other friends or anyone…I had to tell you. It doesn’t feel real until I tell you.”
“You got the job.”
“I got the job. They say I might have to leave at any time. Whenever the paperwork is finalized and something about a contact in Seattle, but holy shit, I got it.”
I sagged against Nopa’s wall, my shoulders hunched against the world. “I’m so happy for you. I’m so happy and yet completely crushed at the same time.”
“I know,” he said. “I’m sorry and yet I have to thank you.”
“Thank me? Why—?”
“Oh shit, wait. You’re on your date with Sawyer the Lawyer, aren’t you? Oh my God, I’m such an idiot. I got so excited and completely forgot everything else. Fuck, I’m so sorry…”
I shook my head. “It’s okay. It’s over now.”
It’s all over.
“What’s wrong? What happened?”
“I can’t tell him, Max,” I whispered. “I can’t. I try and the words stick. He’ll look at me like everyone else in my family does, and I’ll die a little inside.” I huffed a breath, wiped my nose on the back of my hand. “He thinks you and I are dating.”
“You wish,” Max said, coaxing a small laugh out of me. His voice softened. “Dar, you have to tell him the truth. You know you do.”
“I know,” I said. “You’re right. You were right about everything.”
“Of course I was, but it’s so hard to keep track. What else was I right about?”
“You know that emotional rock bottom you keep talking about?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m standing at the edge of it, staring right down into it. Teetering,” I said, my voice hardly a whisper. “It’ll just take one push and…”
“And?”
“I’m going to fall in.”