When I returned to work on Monday, my body was still going through the motions of the miscarriage, but my luck was twofold. The office was closed on Thursday, Christmas Eve, and didn’t reopen until Monday, and I was able to schedule an appointment to get in and see my OB/GYN on the following Tuesday, snatching up a cancelled appointment.
While I was at work, I didn’t allow myself to think about what my body was going through. I focused on the errands I had to run and the renovation proposal for the recently acquired facility in West Virginia. Perhaps the whole avoiding what had happened routine wasn’t the smartest, but it was what helped get me through each day, and I think that it was important to take it day by day.
But I wasn’t alone.
On Sunday, I had packed some clothes and personal items and followed Nick back to his grandfather’s house. When he asked me to come home with him, I hadn’t hesitated. Sunday night we had spent time with his grandfather and then I’d fallen asleep in his arms. His presence and his understanding of the pain kept the worst moments—the ones where guilt and doubt started to creep up—from overwhelming me. Waking up with him wrapped around me went a long way, probably more than he realized.
Then again, I think Nick did know. I think that was why he insisted I stay with him until my mom whirled into town for Christmas. He was there in those moments when I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t fall back to sleep. Those moments when the heavy malaise twisted in discontent. I knew my body was going through a lot and it had my mood swinging all over the place, but it was also just . . . just hard as hell to deal with.
Part of me felt like I needed to spring back immediately. To move the hell along, because these things happened. They happened every day, and I was lucky that there hadn’t been any major complications so far, like an infection, or that I hadn’t been further along. In those dark moments in the middle of the night, it was hard to give voice to what I was feeling exactly, but I didn’t have to.
Nick seemed to sense just when I needed him. Even if he was asleep, his arms would tighten around me, and sometimes, when my restlessness woke him, he would talk to me until I fell back asleep, distracting me with some of the crazy things he’d seen while working at Mona’s. He was simply there for me, and I let him in completely.
And there was no denying how much I loved this man.
Mom arrived Christmas Eve morning, and after checking in at a nearby hotel, she came straight to my apartment. When she knocked on the front door, I glanced over at Nick as he rose from the couch. “You ready for this?” I asked.
A lopsided grin formed. “Of course.”
I wasn’t so sure as I opened the door. My mom could be . . . a lot to handle, and she all but tackled me as she rushed through the open doorway, wrapping her arms around me. I was enveloped in her warmth and vanilla-scented perfume.
Her hand smoothed over the back of my head. “Oh, my sweet girl . . .” She held me tight, and I was suddenly the little girl who just . . . just needed her mom, because now everything would be okay.
Loki’s muffled bark drew us apart. Looking over her shoulder, I spotted the little dog eyeing us from inside the carrier. I lowered my arms as I stepped back. “I better get the dog before it chews its way through the metal bars.”
Mom rolled her eyes, but she knew it could happen. When Loki wanted out of something, Loki got out of it. The dog could scale fences. As I picked up the carrier, I brought it into the apartment with me, closing the door behind us. I wasn’t surprised that she had Loki with her instead of leaving the dog at the hotel.
She didn’t leave Loki anywhere.
Nick stepped forward, extending a hand as his one-sided grin grew. “Hello, Ms. Keith.”
“And this must be Nick. Now I can see why you are so distracted when you’re on the phone with me and he’s around.” Mom eyed him as she took his hand.
He smiled as his gaze found mine. “I like her.”
“Of course you do,” I muttered as Mom checked him out.
“Wow. Stephanie, wow.” She glanced over her shoulder at me. “I’m very proud of you.”
“Oh my gosh.” My cheeks burned. “Mom.”
She chuckled as she turned back to Nick. “It is a pleasure to finally meet you.” Then she dropped his hand and folded him into one of her mom hugs. I could see that Nick was surprised, but he returned the gesture without awkwardness, and I loved him even more for that. “I’m so sorry about what has happened,” she said, her voice low as I bent down, unlocking Loki’s carrier. “These things are never easy, but you look like you have the shoulders to carry that weight.”
“I’m going to do everything I can to do just that,” he replied, earning a smile of approval from my mom.
Loki scrambled out, commencing the marathon sniffing event as Nick offered my mom something to drink. Nervously, I watched them move into the kitchen as I folded my arms across my waist. They were talking about her drive up here, how long she was staying, and just general chitchat as he made her coffee. I stayed back, pretending to keep an eye on Loki as the dog darted across the couch and then jumped to the floor, racing back toward the bedroom. When Mom looked over at me and winked, my lips curved up at the corners. She didn’t have to say it, but I knew she was already starting to fall for Nick herself.
Taking a deep breath, I walked over to the kitchen and my stomach twisted pleasantly as Nick drifted to my side, curving his arm around my shoulder. As my mom tinkered with the sugar and creamer, Nick leaned down and brushed his lips over my cheek.
I swallowed hard as I glanced up at him. “You doing okay?” he whispered.
“Yeah.” I smiled. “Yeah, I am.”
After my mom went back to the hotel with the little hooligan known as Loki, I packed a bag and rode back to Nick’s house to spend the rest of Christmas Eve there so Kira, the in-home nurse, could be home for the night. Mom would be joining us at Nick’s house in the morning, and it seemed like an awful big step, but Nick was chill about her coming over.
While Nick was upstairs checking in on his grandfather, I pulled the gift I’d gotten him for Christmas and carried it into the living room. With the TV off and only the flickering white light from the Christmas tree, a very mellow feeling settled over me as I sat on the couch.
It wasn’t long before Nick joined me on the couch. “How’s your granddad?” I asked.
“He’s sleeping.” He glanced down at my hands. “What’s that?”
I held up the small wrapped box. “It’s a Christmas present. I wanted to give it to you now.”
“You don’t want to wait?”
“I’m impatient. Plus it’s really not that awesome a gift.” I grinned when he laughed. “I mean, I suck at getting gifts. I’m not the most creative person when it comes to those things, but yeah, I just want to give it to you now.”
Nick grinned as he took the present from me, slipping his finger under the edges of the wrapping paper. He peeled the paper back and made quick work of it. When he flipped open the box, I pressed my lips together. “Whoa.” He reached in, lifting the watch out of the box. “This is nice, Stephanie.”
“Really?”
The smile reached his eyes. “Hell yeah. I’ve been saying for months I need to get a watch. It’s good to have one when I’m working.”
“It’s also water resistant,” I pointed out, feeling goofy, “and . . . yeah. I’m glad you like it.”
“I do.” Stretching over, he placed the watch on the coffee table, and as he straightened cupped my cheek. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” I whispered.
Nick kissed me slow and sweet, his lips and fingers lingering as he drew back. “Stay right here, okay?”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
His eyes held mine for a moment and then he stood, disappearing around the corner of the couch. It sounded like he was heading into the bedroom. He returned quickly, taking his seat beside me. A square, unwrapped dark velvet box was in his hand. “Since you gave me your gift, I want to give you mine.”
I glanced up at him as I quietly took the box that was a little smaller than my palm. I had no idea what to expect when I popped it open, but when I saw what was in it, my breath caught.
Nestled in the box was a pair of silver dog tags. “Oh gosh,” I whispered as I smoothed my thumb over one of them. My throat clogged.
“It’s two of them.” Reaching over, he turned one around. His name was carved into it. “The other has your name. I know it sounds kind of cheesy. Dog tags. But I saw them in the store and they made me think of your dad and how your mom wears his tags. It was kind of spur-of-the-moment thing. You don’t have to wear them—”
I looped my arm around his neck and pulled him over, kissing him. “I will wear it. Every day.”
“Yeah?”
Sniffling, I nodded as I sat back and looked down at them. I pressed my lips together. The gift was so incredibly thoughtful. “Will . . . will you wear the other?”
“Fuck yeah.”
I laughed and my breath hitched again. Carefully pulling the tag with his name on it free, I slipped it over my neck, letting the cool metal slide under my sweater. I took the one with my name on it and lifted it. Grinning, Nick lowered his head and I slipped it over his head. He pulled his shirt loose, letting the tag with my name on it fall against his chest.
And then I smiled for what felt like the first time in days. The words came right out, requiring no effort. “I love you.”
Nick froze and his shirt floated back against his skin. He started as if he was about to say something and his head swung toward mine. His lips parted. “What?”
“I love you,” I repeated, holding his wide gaze. The pupils had dilated and the green seemed brighter. I couldn’t believe how easy the words were to speak. “I’m in love with you. I fell for you weeks ago—months ago—and I just wanted to tell you that.”
He stared at me.
“And you don’t have to say it back. I don’t—”
Nick’s large hands clasped my cheeks and within a stuttered heartbeat his mouth was on mine. The silky soft kiss stole my breath. “Let me hear it again,” he asked, his breath rough, but then he kissed me again, his tongue gently parting my lips. “Tell me.”
I wrapped my hands around his wrists. “I love you, Nick.”
“Christ.” He rested his forehead against mine, his large hands trembling as he held my cheeks. “I never thought I’d hear you say that.”
“What?” I whispered.
He slid one hand around, his fingers delving deep in my hair. “Because I never thought I would be lucky enough to hear it—to know that what I felt for you was the same thing you felt for me.”
I stilled. There was a good chance I wasn’t breathing. A flutter started deep in my chest. “What are you saying?”
“I don’t just love you. I’m in love with you. Hell, I have been for a while, and I wanted to tell you that so many times over, but I . . . fuck, I couldn’t get it out of me. I don’t even feel like I deserve this.”
My heart was racing so incredibly fast. Tears blurred my eyes, and the sweetest yearning blossomed in the pit of my belly, chasing away everything else. “You deserve that.”
“I’m going to prove it to you, Stephanie. You have no idea.” His lips met mine again, and the kiss was deeper, rawer. “And you’re going to get tired of hearing me saying this. I love you. I’m so fucking in love with you, Stephanie.”
“I’ll never get tired of hearing that.” I slid my hands down his strong arms. “There’s no way.” I squeezed my eyes shut. “This is what I’ve been waiting for. You’re what I’ve been looking for.”
Nick’s hand flexed in my hair. “You don’t have to wait anymore. We don’t have to wait anymore.”