Chapter Twelve
Interesting thing about being in love—it brightens a dimly lit world and puts a pleasant pink hue on everything. Which was probably why I woke up the next day feeling more optimistic about JC and me. Because I was head over heels. I was as sure of it as I had been sure it wasn’t what I wanted. And welcomed or not, whether it changed anything between us or not, whether he felt the same or not, I was pretty certain it was an emotion that was sticking around.
Thankfully, the club had been busy. It kept me emotionally and mentally occupied through my shift. When I’d gotten home in the morning, I’d made the birthday breakfast for Norma, which had gone well despite the bubble of distraction in my chest. We made plans to meet at her office at seven so we could have dinner and I could give her the La Perla gift certificate before I had to be to work at ten. Then she was off. By the time I’d cleaned up breakfast, I was exhausted. I collapsed into bed and fell asleep with only a minimal amount of fixating on JC.
Since I’d gone to sleep much earlier than usual, I woke up much earlier. After getting a solid eight hours, I was wide-eyed by a little after four in the afternoon and in a fairly good mood. An excellent mood, actually, even before coffee. I felt like Cinderella the day after the ball—filled with hope instead of the gloom that she could so easily have adopted about her impossible situation.
That was how the story of Cinderella went, wasn’t it? I was so out of touch with fairytales.
The text I found on my phone from Eric only made the day better: Ben can call you at three our time to wish Norma Happy Birthday. Does that work?
Three his time was six our time. Thank God that my schedule was screwed, or I would have slept through the whole thing. I responded with a yes, feeling as much like the fairy godmother as I did Cinderella. I was about to make someone else’s wish come true. I practically sang as I got ready to surprise my sister with the gift I knew she wanted most.
I was almost out the door when it occurred to me that Norma might have meetings. I’d been just planning to show up early and surprise her with Ben’s call, but occasionally she was tied up right until the end of the day—even on Fridays. I checked the clock. It was five. Maybe I could catch her assistant before he left for the weekend.
I practically squealed when he answered. “Boyd! I caught you. It’s Gwen.”
“Good evening, Gwen. I haven’t talked to you in awhile. Nice to hear your voice.”
Boyd was younger than I was—twenty-five, if I remembered correctly. I’d been a little stunned when Norma hired him more than a year before. Sure, he’d had an adequate resume, but he was fresh from college and young. Really young.
And Boyd was good-looking.
Not in the sharp, confident way that JC was good-looking. Not even in the brooding, classy way that her boss, Hudson Pierce, was good-looking.
No, Boyd was a different type of good-looking. The boyish, nerdy type. His hair was floppy and he wore dark-rimmed glasses that didn’t do much to hide his large chocolate brown eyes. He was nice. Sweet. An all-around decent guy. Honestly, if I hadn’t been the type to not date, I might have tried to get his phone number. Except that might have been weird considering his superior was my sister.
Besides, I wasn’t really that attracted to him. It was more like he was the type of guy I should be attracted to and just never was.
Plus, I had a feeling he was probably gay. No man kept his hands that well-manicured without being rich or homosexual.
And I didn’t date. So there was that.
But now that I was humming with feelings of love, the idea of dating wasn’t all that awful. In fact, going out sounded quite lovely—as long as I was going out with JC. For the first time in our arrangement, I wished for more than our one night a week. I wished he wasn’t across the country. Wished he were joining me for Norma’s dinner. Wished he were with me for everything.
Boyd’s questioning tone drew me back to the present conversation that I’d somehow managed to forget I was having. “What was that?” I asked, forcing myself to focus.
“Norma’s on the other line. Do you want me to leave her a message?”
“Actually, no. You were who I wanted to talk to. I’m meeting her for dinner at seven. Does she have anything scheduled right before that?” I held my breath as I waited for his answer.
“No. She’s done with her appointments for the day. Do you need me to schedule something?”
I didn’t want Norma to have any hint of the surprise, so I said, “No. Just wanted to make sure she wouldn’t be running from somewhere to our dinner reservation.”
“Got it.” After I thanked him, he added, “It really was nice hearing from you, Gwen. Don’t be such a stranger next time.”
Huh. Was Boyd flirting with me? Or was he simply trying to be an involved assistant? He had become Norma’s right-hand man, so he possibly thought connecting with her sister was part of his job.
Yeah, I was going with that.
I was running late when I got to Pierce Industries. Traffic had been a bitch and I cursed myself for thinking a cab would get me there at this hour of the day in any reasonable amount of time. Then again, there wasn’t a straight shot of the subway from our place to Norma’s office, so I was pretty much screwed no matter what.
I was checking my watch as I got off the elevator onto Norma’s floor—it was a quarter to six—so I didn’t see Hudson Pierce in front of me and bumped into him. We’d never met, but I knew who he was. It was the first time I’d seen him up close. He certainly was attractive, and I could see why my sister had fallen for him.
But his eyes—they were so empty. As though they were missing something. As though he were missing something. Something vital. That nothingness made him seem eerily cold, despite his polite smile as I delivered my apology and headed toward my sister’s office.
It was strange how I felt like I recognized that emptiness I’d seen in Hudson. Not like I’d seen something missing in my eyes, but I’d felt the missing thing inside. Like there was a hole in my chest that sat vacant. Waiting. Was that what JC saw when he looked at me? The same blank stare that I’d seen in Hudson? And if he did, how could I hope that he’d ever find any sort of connection with me?
Except, he did connect with me. I knew that. It wasn’t up for debate. I’d felt the surge of electricity pass between us, and it was vital and fierce. And when we did connect like that, I didn’t feel that hole. I didn’t feel empty. I didn’t feel unlovable. I felt…loved.
The thought stopped me in my steps. It was one thing to acknowledge that I was in love, but to imagine that JC might return the feeling was going too far. If I didn’t quit it now, I’d end up hurt.
I shook the notion off and continued down the hall.
Boyd’s desk was empty when I got there. It was after hours and the whole place felt like a ghost town, so that wasn’t unusual. But Norma’s door was closed too, which was a little odd. I worried for a moment that she’d had something come up last minute, but then I heard music coming from inside. Instrumental music. She’d spent the most time with Mom and had been the one to adopt her musical tastes. This particular piece was loud and vibrant. Carmina Burana, maybe. I wasn’t that good at identifying much besides Philip Glass. Whatever it was, she didn’t hear my knocking.
I tried the handle. It wasn’t locked. “Hey, I—”
My words cut off when I saw her. She was bent over her desk wearing nothing but a garter belt, stockings and heels with her ass front and center—bare. And red. Red with palm prints.
Boyd, stood behind her dressed only in his trousers. And he was spanking her. Not gently, either, but full-on slaps. They sounded like they had to hurt, but from the moans of pleasure that came with each swat of his hand and the way that Norma rubbed her thighs together, I had to guess she was enjoying it.
Boyd was too. Without a doubt. And from the evident bulge at his crotch, two other things became immediately evident—Boyd was hung and he was definitely not gay.
“Oh my God,” I gasped and immediately regretted it. Until then, they hadn’t seen me. I could have snuck out and they’d never have known I’d been there.
Now, they knew.
Both faces snapped to peer at me. “Gwen!” Norma cried, her face turning as red as her behind.
I couldn’t look away. Partly, I was processing. This was the first time I’d walked in on my sister doing anything sexual, shocking in its own right, and then to realize she was involved in kink?
It took a moment to regroup.
Apparently, they were as stunned as I was because neither of them moved from their positions. Finally, I came to my senses. “Um, sorry. I’m so sorry.” I closed my eyes, as if that could help at this point. As if I could un-see what I’d seen. “I’ll just…take your time. I’ll be out there. In the waiting area. No rush.”
I shuffled out as fast as I could with my face covered, and when the door was shut behind me, I practically fell against the wall.
What. The. Fuck.
Everything clicked into place. Why Norma bought the lingerie. Why she’d been working later recently. Why she no longer talked incessantly about Hudson Pierce. Why she’d been all pro love and relationships.
Why she seemed happier than I’d seen her in a long time.
But there were just as many questions that rolled in. Like, how long had this been going on? Why hadn’t she told me? Was it just sex? Or was it, as I strongly suspected, something more?
They were answers I wouldn’t have until I talked to her—and I was already planning a serious interrogation—so in the meantime, all I could cling onto was holy shit.
I stumbled to her waiting room armchair in a daze saying that over and over. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy. Shit.
My phone rang, knocking me from my stupor. Suddenly remembering why I’d come to the office in the first place, I sat up and pushed the TALK button. “Ben?”
“Hey, big sis.”
“You’ll never believe what just happened to me.” The words came out in a rush but I didn’t wish them back. Because Ben was the only person who would understand how shocking the experience was. He was the one person I wanted to share it with more than any other. “I just walked in on Norma banging her assistant.”
“Oh my God.” His gasp sounded much like mine had.
Like sister, like brother, I thought. “That’s exactly what I said.”
“Banging her assistant where? In her bedroom? On the couch? On the kitchen table?”
Oh, damn, I’d left out one of the most important details. “No, at her office! On. Her. Desk.” I emphasized each word, still not believing it myself. “And he’s young, Ben. He’s your age!”
“Oh my God. Is he cute?”
“He actually really is. I think you’d approve.” We fell easily into conversation. I’d worried there’d be a strain between us. And there may have been, had we not had such a luscious piece of gossip to devour together. “Ben, it was kinky!”
“Tell me. Every detail.”
I gaped for a few seconds, not sure if it was cruel to bring him further into this knowledge about Norma or cruel to leave him out. “Do you really want to hear? This is your sister I’m talking about, remember.”
“And I’m forever holding this over her. Tell. Me.”
I loved hearing his voice so much. Loved hearing his enthusiasm for something. It was exactly the opposite of the somber mood I’d attributed to him in my thoughts for the last few months. It was hopeful and excited, and it kept me talking about the image that I wanted to block out. Actually, it had been a hot scene—the spanking, the garters, the dominance. Yeah. Totally hot. That was, before I really realized what I was looking at. Or, more specifically, who.
“Oh my God, this is absolutely hilarious. And he was spanking her? With his hand or a belt? I have to make sure I have the mental image right.”
“His hand, you perv.” But I laughed. Ben had always been like that—the one able to make me laugh. It was why it always surprised me that he suffered so much inside. He was jovial and carefree. How could he be hurting so bad?
“So he was spanking her like he was punishing her?”
“Yes, but she was enjoying it. Trust me.” I could still hear her moans in my head. They were so raw and primal. I had to admit I was a little jealous.
“Maybe he was giving her her birthday spankings. Thirty-five of them. And one to grow on. Though I bet it was him doing the growing.”
I laughed again, this time with a groan thrown in. I cut off sharply when I heard the sound of the office door creaking open. “Hold on, Ben. I think they’re coming out.”
I started to put my phone down but heard Ben talking so I put it back to my ear. “Please, please, please put me on speaker phone,” he begged. “I want to hear every word of this.”
I pressed speaker and dropped my cell into my lap as Norma walked toward me. Boyd hung back by the door, his eyes cast down, but my sister’s head was high and I guessed the flush of her cheeks was still from their previous activity.
“So.” At least she was as speechless as I’d been.
“So. Is Boyd joining us for dinner?” I felt bad for not addressing him directly since he wasn’t that far away, but I couldn’t look at him yet, much less talk to him.
She glanced back at him before answering. “He wasn’t planning on it.”
I wasn’t sure if that disappointed me or not. On the one hand, this was supposed to be my private birthday dinner with my sister. On the other hand, every dinner we had together was private and I wanted to know more about this secret relationship of theirs. “It seems he should at least get a free meal after that.”
“Gwen! Don’t be a bitch,” Ben chided me from my lap.
Norma recognized his voice immediately. “What was that?”
I beamed as I held up my cell phone. “Happy birthday.”
Norma grabbed the phone out of my hand and put it to her ear, even though it was still on speaker. “Ben?”
I heard him say, “Happy birthday, Sissy,” before she found the button to turn off speaker. Then his side of the conversation was lost to me, but I didn’t need to hear it. Norma’s face said everything. She was beaming and glowing and I was sure it was from more than her sexcapade.
Boyd tried to slip out of the office quietly behind us, but he stopped when he saw the tears spilling down Norma’s face.
“It’s Ben,” she said, covering the mouthpiece.
The smile he gave her read genuinely heartfelt. She didn’t have to tell him who Ben was, and that’s when I knew for sure her relationship with Boyd went beyond simple fucking.
I turned to him and forced myself to meet his eyes. “Boyd, join us for dinner.”
He smiled again, and I noticed a dimple I hadn’t seen before. “I think Norma needs to be alone with you right now.”
I took that to mean she planned to do some heavy explaining. I could live with that. But I did want to get to know the man who meant something to my sister. “Another time, then?”
He hesitated, stealing a glance at Norma who was laughing and grinning like I’d never seen her. “Sure,” he said. “If that’s what she wants.”
He caught her eye before he left, and the sizzle that I saw between them practically knocked me off my feet. If I hadn’t been convinced before then I was now—Boyd was definitely what she wanted.
***
The host wasn’t even out of earshot before I burst. “All right. Spill.”
It was amazing that I’d lasted as long as I had. After Norma had finished talking to Ben, I’d taken another turn with him, followed by a final speaker round. Then, when we’d hung up, I’d figured that we needed to get everything out about our brother first. We’d done that as we walked the couple of blocks to the restaurant, sharing what we’d said and he’d said and telling each other how good he sounded. How much better. How much stronger.
“He’s checking out of the facility next week,” Norma had said. “And he’s moving in with Eric. Having a boyfriend has really been the best thing for him. I think it’s going to be good now.”
It seemed a little trite to say that maybe a boyfriend was all any of us needed to heal from our past. Yet it also felt a little right. Like maybe love really did make everything better. Or maybe it was the rose-colored glasses talking. If it was, Norma seemed to be wearing a pair as deeply tinted as my own.
Now she put her napkin on her lap and spread it carefully. “Spill what, exactly?” But she gave me a teasing grin.
“Don’t toy with me. I intend to hear everything, Norma. I mean it. Ev. Ry. Thing. And go.”
“Um.” Her eyes danced around as if she could visually see her story in the air and she was flitting from one chapter to another. From one highlighted passage to the next. “I don’t know where to start.”
“How about start at the beginning? This wasn’t the first time, was it?” There was no way this was the beginning. No one got that naughty on their debut run.
“Not our first time.” She paused while the waitress set down our water glasses and took our drink order. When we were alone again, she said, “First time in the office, though. We’re usually quite good about not doing anything there.”
I couldn’t decide if I believed her or not. Norma was ultra professional, but after what I’d seen, I had my doubts. “Come on, isn’t that the hot factor? Naughty assistant getting reprimanded by the boss?”
She flushed. “It’s not really like that.”
“Actually, I already gathered as much.” It was Boyd doing the spanking after all. And while I’d never have guessed it before today, I was certain now that he’d always be the one doling out the punishments and never the other way around.
“Yeah. Anyway.” She nervously straightened her silverware as she talked. “Like I said. Not usually in the office. But it was my birthday, and I’d wanted to play naughty assistant, as you called it. Only I was pretending to be the assistant.”
“I don’t want to know. I mean, I kind of do, but I really don’t.” I took a swallow of my water while I decided the things I wanted to know for sure. There were four. “How long has it been going on?”
“About nine months.”
Her answer surprised me. Until I really started to think about it. It explained things like the nights her bed seemed to not have been slept in and the distraction that had seemed to occupy her mind for the last while. I’d thought it had all been about Dad. I was strangely relieved to find it wasn’t. It felt like permission. Like if Norma could live her life and not worry then so could I.
But I already had been, hadn’t I? Without her permission, even. Hadn’t I been living and not worrying with JC?
Well. Like sister, like sister, then.
I moved on to my next question. “Is it always like that? Role playing and everything?”
“It’s…” She pressed her lips together as she searched for her answer. “It’s a lot of things. He’s always dominant. But sometimes it’s role playing and sometimes it’s bondage and sometimes it’s just really hot sex.” She put her hand up to halt me from speaking. “And before you ask, no, I’d never done any of that before him. He completely introduced me to the world, and I don’t think I could ever go back.”
That hadn’t been one of my questions, but now that she’d mentioned it, I was glad to know. Otherwise I’d be scrolling back through all her past boyfriends in my mind, imagining them as Doms, and with some of them that was simply not a good idea. It was hard enough to imagine my strong, tough-as-nails sister as submissive.
Yet, seeing her as she talked about it, I could tell it was the real deal. My next question was really unnecessary, but I asked anyway, wanting to hear it from her lips. “Is it just sex?”
“Not in the least.” Again she halted while the waitress delivered our wine and took our order. Lucky for us, we dined at this Italian bistro enough to know what we wanted without looking at a menu, because we hadn’t even taken a peek at one.
After the waitress left, Norma took a swallow of her Chardonnay, her brow creased in thought. “It was just sex in the beginning, maybe. But even then, not really. Not for Boyd anyway. He always treated it as more. I got on board soon enough.”
I’d already realized their relationship was more than casual, but this was when I realized how much more. “You love him.”
She peeked up coyly under her lashes and nodded.
“He loves you too. I saw it on his face.”
She nodded again.
Then it wasn’t just unrequited love. They’d talked about it. Discussed it. Probably made plans and commitments with it.
Which brought me to my final question. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I should have. I’m sorry.” She shook her head as if reprimanding herself internally. “Management isn’t allowed to date their staff. Punishable by termination. I know that you wouldn’t tell on us, but it seemed the best solution to keeping us private was to adopt total secrecy. No one knew. That included you. I’m really sorry.”
“Stop it.” I waved my hand in the air, feeling bad that she held so much guilt about something that obviously gave her a lot of joy. “I get it.” I wouldn’t have told me either, if I were her. Especially back then. I would have given her a hard time about it. Would have told her it wasn’t worth the risk.
Now, I said, “Hudson would never fire you.”
She didn’t need to consider this at all. “No, he wouldn’t. But he’d make me fire Boyd. Or, at the very least, transfer him. I can’t do that right now. He keeps me together. I need him.”
“I’m glad you have him.” I sighed and it turned into a bigger sigh than I’d intended. I meant what I’d said. I was glad she had Boyd. I also knew I probably wouldn’t have been glad if it weren’t for my own feelings about JC. I would have been jealous of the time Boyd had with my sister. I would have wanted to keep her to myself.
And I couldn’t deny that I was envious about something else—that Norma’s relationship with Boyd was out in the open to each other despite not being open to the world. Could JC and I have that? That thing where we both knew how we felt, and we owned it and didn’t doubt it?
I wouldn’t ever know unless I declared the words to JC, and I wasn’t sure I should be thinking about that in the middle of my sister’s birthday dinner.
Norma kicked my shoe under the table, pulling me from my thoughts. “Hey. Why aren’t you making fun and scoffing? Is this some sort of birthday reprieve?” Her eyes widened as if she’d just had a realization. “Oh. You’re in love too.”
“How—? What—? Why would you even…?” I’d lost my ability to form sentences. “Goddammit.” I probably should have appreciated that there was someone who knew me as well as Norma did. Even when JC seemed to read me, it was only guesses. We still had so much to learn about each other.
And I did appreciate it from Norma. It was also frustrating. She’d kept her secret for so long, and I couldn’t manage to keep mine for a day.
Now that the cat was out of the bag, I might as well acknowledge it. “Yes. I’m in love. Is that ridiculous?”
“With the guy that you’re ‘spending time with?’ JC?”
“Yes,” I groaned. “Yes. I really think I am.”
“Why sound so miserable about it? He’s done wonders for you. I’ve never seen you as happy as I have the last few months.”
I was elated that she’d noticed. Also, scared. Because if she’d noticed, what had JC noticed?
“I don’t know, Sissy.” I focused on a couple at a table across the room as I let the not quite formulated thought take shape into words. “I guess I’m afraid I’m the only one who wants it to be more. Because I’m not sure what this is for him. He hasn’t said he wants anything other than the arrangement we have.”
“Have you asked him?” She said it as if it were the most reasonable idea in the world.
It probably was reasonable, now that I thought about it. It was our relationship that wasn’t reasonable. We’d both known it, too. It was why we’d been so wary of it when we’d started out.
So, if we’d both been smart enough to understand that we couldn’t dictate what happened emotionally, then why had we gone through with the plan in the first place? Was it all about lust? Or had we both been using the whole deal as an excuse?
I didn’t have the situation worked out enough to explain it to Norma. “We’re getting there,” I said, which was at least partially true. I was getting there, anyway. “Things…changed…yesterday. And I’m sure they changed for him as well as me.” I thought about the way he’d looked at me as we’d made love, the heavy longing in his tone when he’d said he was glad I’d come around. “Maybe he’s even willing to admit it.”
Except there had been the distance at the end. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong. He has some secrets.”
“We all do.”
“Crazy thing is I think I’m handling mine better than he’s handling his.” I hadn’t thought it until I’d said it out loud, but now that I had, things clicked. There had been distinct events in my life that had shaped and defined me. Things that made me withdraw from people and disconnect from life. Those were the reasons I’d sought a no-strings relationship.
So why had JC? Sure, maybe he just wanted things simple. But wasn’t it safe to suppose that he might also have had events in his life that led him to be emotionally reserved too? I’d already let my guard down with him. He, on the other hand…he kept his guard tight. Was his past more tragic than mine?
The idea broke my heart in places I didn’t think were possible. It also gave me a clarity I’d lacked before. With a tremble in my lip, I met Norma’s eyes. “I don’t know if he can do this.”
She reached over and squeezed my hand. “Oh, sweetie, you won’t know until you give him a chance.”
I wanted to believe it was that easy. As the waitress set the food on the table, I let myself pretend that it might be. Let myself believe that I had the strength to put myself out there. Let myself believe that I had the character to be what he needed in a support system.
We ate several minutes in silence while I mulled things over. Norma was the first to speak. “Do me a favor—don’t sell him short. I might not know him, but if he knew how to break through to you, I think he’s a guy worth keeping around.”
I liked what she had to say too much. It made me hopeful. If Norma could see a real relationship between JC and me then it felt more possible.
Possibilities scared me. So I tucked her suggestion away and feigned insult. “You make it sound like I’m so unapproachable.”
“Aren’t you?”
“I don’t know. I guess I am.” Of course I am. Or I was. “I think I’m changing. Maybe not. A little, though?” If I were really changing, I should be able to tell JC how I felt.
“You’re changing. I see it. Everyone can see it.”
“Thank you.” This time I let her words really hit me. I soaked in them. I celebrated in the truth of them. It was amazing to have the accomplishment acknowledged. It was even more amazing that the accomplishment happened in the first place. So whether I told JC how I felt or waited to see what happened next between us, I’d still progressed as a person. That was what counted, wasn’t it?
“All of us are changing, I think,” she said, a bit whimsically. “You and me and Ben. We’re all learning to let love in. We’re letting our wounds heal. And you know what I think? It’s about goddamned time.”
It struck me as ironic that for as long as our father had been in prison, we’d been locked up as well. We were supposed to be the ones who’d been freed by his incarceration. Yet we’d each gone with him into captivity.
Now, for us to be liberated ten years later…
Yeah. It was about goddamned time.