Staring out the window of my room, I run my finger along the condensation forming on the window. There’s grass and benches in the backyard of the hospital. Patients who are stoned out of their mind wandering around mindlessly, they look like zombies. Their hair looks like it hasn’t been brushed in days, and their gowns flow in the wind showing off pale bare asses of every shape and size. I wonder if I will be like them one day. Lost to the world and high on my daydreams. I was released from my bed yesterday, and my legs feel like twigs from not using them. My kneecaps feeling like they may succumb to my weight at any moment, and my arm is casted in blue due to the broken wrist I got in during my fit of rage the other day. I’ve never had a broken limb before.

If I were at the club, I’d have all the brothers sign it.

My fingers dip and curve against the cool glass until I spell out the name Benji. I’ve had no blackouts the last two days due to all the sedation. Farrah has gone to hide. I frown at that thought. I wonder if she’s gone for good. I don’t know what life is like not having her around, it scares me yet excites me.

I still don’t know what is real and what isn’t. I keep hoping every time I defy the staff their sedation will bring me back to Benji and the club if, in fact, they are a dream. The only thing I’ve seen though is things as a little girl. Living in that trailer with my mom and things I never wanted to remember. They’ve surfaced and it makes me feel like a different person replaying them. I was strong growing up, but only because Farrah made me strong. When I couldn’t handle something, Farrah took over. It was easy to hide behind her, now that she might be gone though… there’s no hiding. It’s just cold hard life.

Turning, I slide down against the cold brick making up the walls of my room, my ass coming to the concrete floor. I wince, my thigh aching from all the needle jabs.

I run my damp finger over the tree line tattoo on my arm and the saying underneath it, “Learn to get lost a little bit.”

“Baby,” I whisper to myself. This was not done because I like to fucking adventure, or go hiking. They’re all fucking lying here. They have to be, and if they’re not… I don’t care. Benji and the club are a lie I will live in for the rest of my life. It’s where I want to be.

* * *

Sitting in a circle with three other patients, I bite at my nails nervously. They’ve grown out the few days I’ve been here. Must be the horse vitamins they keep forcing down my throat every morning. The white gown I’m wearing does nothing to hide my pebbled nipples from the chilly air and I have to cross my arms to conceal them from the male patients. I swear they keep it below freezing in here on purpose.

I’ve seen two of the three patients sitting in the circle before. One is Jessilynn. She has long blonde hair and often braids it when she’s nervous. I can’t figure out why she’s in here though, she seems normal enough. The other is Memphis, half of her head is burned, leaving charred hair straight across her scalp. She has the darkest saddest eyes I’ve ever seen, and burn marks all over her arms and face. I overheard a nurse saying she burned herself because of the voices in her head. She scares me.

“Jacob, why don’t we start with you today,” Nurse Jackie looks to the third patient. She’s the horror story nurse I can’t stand. Always smelling of cigarettes and vodka.

I haven’t met Jacob yet. He’s tall, slender, and pale as hell. He has a blue cast on his right arm that looks just like mine, and he looks sad. Like everyone else in here.

“What the fuck do you want me to say exactly?” he clips, his eyes contouring into anger. He’s very resentful, and the way he’s breathing I can tell he’s about to explode.

“Why don’t you start with why you’re in here.” Nurse Jackie smiles, oblivious to this grenade about to blow.

He looks up under his lashes at everyone as if he’s embarrassed of why he is in here and I quickly look away. I don’t have it in me to find him. I’m already fighting myself.

“I tried to run my Jeep into a tree,” he shrugs, pulling at the strings of his gown. “I can’t even kill myself right,” he mutters.

“Why is death an option for you?” she prods, and my mouth drops at her insensitivity. How can she be so cold and forthcoming about something so serious? She doesn’t care about anyone in here. We are all hazard pay to her.

Jacob stands abruptly, knocking over the plastic chair.

“I’m fucking done with this shit.” He throws his hands out in distress, his face red. Jessilynn braids her hair not caring to the commotion, and Memphis cries hysterically at the chaos, holding her blanket close to her chest like a small child would.

I just watch.

Jackie sighs and looks at me as it’s my turn to open up to the group of strangers. My spine stiffens and I look to the tree line on my arm. I don’t want to talk to her. She makes me feel uncomfortable with her hollow stare, the smile constantly plastered on her face tells me she likes our pain. One snap of her fingers and two men will stride in here and stab me in the leg with whatever is in that syringe and put me in a mind-numbing state. Nightmares and reality of my mother swimming in my head for countless hours.

“Harley?” I jeer at the sound of my name. The way my name falls from her tongue is eerie.

Like Jacob, I stand and excuse myself to my room. I need some space. Everything here is so confusing and crazy. Having people in your face the whole time is too much.

“Harley, you cannot leave!” Jackie tries to grab at me as I walk by. I look over my shoulder with a glare and pick up my pace.

Before I know what’s happening, my feet are lifted from the stained floor by two large hands on each of my arms.

“Get off me!” I don’t know who has a hold of me, but I can tell it’s someone I don’t want touching me. Their hands are large and biting into the fat of my arms, the little effort they have in lifting me telling me they’re bigger than I am. Looking over my left shoulder, I find an orderly who is directed to manhandle the patients when disobeying. I’ve seen him do it a few times the last couple of days.

“You want to go to your room so bad? You got it,” he growls with a low tone. I find his name tag. “Peg?”

He smiles like a scumbag and I notice his two front teeth are gold. He reminds me of the men in my dreams with my mother and I go limp in his arms. He tries to place me on my feet, and I begin to kick and punch at him to let me go.

“Get off me, you troll looking fucker!” My pain and hollers echo through the halls, but nobody even glances in my direction. The sound of agony is habitual here. A lullaby to every patient’s path to their routine nightmare. Without it, they wouldn’t be able to function.

My feet shuffle and slam against the ground as he drags me to my room. My broken wrist protests and aches as I try and resist. Entering my room, he tosses me on the hard bed like a throw blanket, and Nurse Jackie is suddenly right beside me restraining my arms and ankles with the belts on the side of my bed.

I struggle by yanking my wrist and trying to twist free. The cast begins to shred around my arm, little frays of blue fluttering in the air. My eyes burn with the urge to cry, but I breathe through it as I scream like a mad woman.

She turns, allowing Peg to finish tying my feet to the bed.

“Let me go! I don’t belong here!”

The unmistakable stab in my thigh has me whimper as everything becomes dizzy. I relax into the stiff bed, my jaw becoming lax.

“Harley? Harley, where are you?” My mother’s eerie voice sounds in my head.

“Benji,” I whisper, willing him to be true and come rescue me.

“There you go,” Nurse Jackie coos, fingers in my hair feeling like snakes. I drift to a world of nightmares.

I hope I see Benji there.