Asha
Asha drove herself home, wearing Colt’s clothes. They were about ten sizes too big and she just hoped no one was up, walking around Roseland yet to see her.
Luck was finally on her side and she was able to slip into the house unnoticed. Once she was changed into her own jeans and t-shirt, Asha made herself a cup of tea and sat down at the dining room table. She glanced out the window, in the direction of Gabriel’s cabin.
She wished she could avoid him but he was only there for another day or so and she knew that she had to give him answers and input about the website.
It was just after eight, which meant Gabriel probably wasn’t up yet. Asha needed to talk. She decided to head to Ginny’s then double back and check up on Penny, who was probably already with Annika and her calf, then give her final say on the website.
Ginny, as ever, looked radiantly happy to see Asha when she knocked on the door. She was ushered straight to the table and given her second cup of tea that morning.
“So? I heard there was some excitement yesterday. With the new cow and her calf. I heard from Penny that you and Colton saved that calf’s life.”
Asha blushed, embarrassed at the glowing way Ginny looked at her. “I guess we helped. Annika did all the work though. And that calf managed to hang on somehow.”
“And?”
“And what?” Asha asked blankly. She sipped at her tea, scalded her tongue and set the mug back down. Ginny leaned forward eagerly.
“You didn’t come back last night.”
“How do you know that?”
Ginny grinned cunningly. “I heard your truck coming back this morning. My ears and eyes aren’t so old yet that I don’t notice these things.”
Asha groaned. “Now I know why dad always talked about building a fresh set of housing further away from the farm house.”
“Nonsense,” Ginny laughed. She grew serious a second later. “Were you with Colton?”
“Yes,” Asha admitted, since that was what she had come to talk about. She dropped her gaze, studying her tea far too intently. “He loves me, Ginny.”
Ginny laughed. “Goodness sakes, child, the whole community knows what Colton Arrington feels about you.” The elderly woman raised a white eyebrow. “Where’s the harm in that? Colton loving you.”
“You know what the harm is,” Asha sighed. “I told you I couldn’t be what he needed.”
Ginny sighed. “Maybe he’s more a part of you than you know.”
Asha raised her mug to her lips and took a long sip of tea which had cooled enough to drink. The mint soothed her. “I… he never said that he did. Not once.”
“But you know.”
“Yes. I know. It only made me feel worse because I know I could never be what he wanted or needed.”
“Honey, there are some people who tell you what you want to hear. They have eloquent words that make you feel special and beautiful, but behind those words is nothing at all. Then there are men who can’t tell you what they feel because they can’t find the words. They’re steady and true and there for you when you need them most.”
“I know. That’s the reason I feel so bad about all of this.”
Ginny’s wrinkled, age spotted hand moved to cover hers. “I’m not just talking about Colton. I’m talking about you as well. You say you can’t love Colton, but I think you always have. You’re just too scared to admit it, even to yourself.”
“I know. I know that’s true. I do care about him. Love him even. I just… he wants more than that. He wants a companion. A wife. Someone who wakes up with him in the morning. Someone who has breakfast and dinner with him. Someone who is truly there.”
“Would that really be so hard? Just to let go of all that fear and grief and just be there?”
“Yes.”
Ginny smiled softly. “You have all the passion in the world locked away in that heart. It is scary to love someone and it hurts like hell to lose them. I know it. You know it. Don’t let that stop you from living your life. You’ll only wind up with a pile of regrets later. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t miss my Henry. He’s been gone over twenty years and the pain is still as fresh as when it happened. That doesn’t mean I regret being married. Loving him. Having our children. It’s what made my life worth living.”
Asha’s eyes filled with tears. I’m always crying lately. “Maybe you’re right.”
“Of course I’m right.” Ginny’s cackling laugh filled her tiny kitchen. “Child, you’ve been like one of my own children. Your parents were good people. Kind enough to provide housing for the people who worked for them. They hired Henry when we were hard up to find employment. Gave us this place as our own. Even after he died they let Karl and Bruce work for them so that we could stay. And after they found wives and moved on… you let me have this place.”
“Of course! You’re my family, Ginny. I would never ask you to leave!”
“What I’m getting at is you think that you’re incapable of love but I see the amazing generosity, kindness and compassion in you. You treat everyone here like family. You see every living being as a soul worthy of life. You raised your sister when you should have been enjoying your own youth. That all speaks to the ultimate love. Your entire world is built on love. Open your heart, Asha. Let Colt in. Take a chance. Because, the truth is, you’ll likely find he’s been there all along.”
Asha didn’t bother to stop the flood of tears that cascaded down her cheeks. Ginny shoved back her chair and the next thing Asha knew, she was wrapped up in soft, frail arms, her head pressed against a chest that smelled like fresh baked bread and baby powder deodorant.
Ginny’s words echoed through her soul. You’ll likely find he’s been there all along. It was true. Every single word.
Asha’s tears turned to sobs and she clung to the woman who was like a grandmother. She cried for the loss of her parents, for the grief that was still raw. For the near loss of the man who meant more to her than she’d ever been able to admit. Colt was her rock. Without him she was just… she was nothing at all.
How do I tell him?
Asha knew. She knew that all it would take was one quiet admission to change Colt’s whole life, to heal the parts of him that she herself had wounded and broken. Maybe, just maybe, it could heal her too.