Asha

Gabriel was up early the next morning, obviously waiting for Asha to make an appearance. He’d dragged out one of the small kitchen chairs and sat on his porch.

It was a little after five in the morning and she couldn’t hide her surprise at having spotted him on her way to the barn. He waved her over and she had no choice but to go.

 “Do you have time to look at the outline and sketches for the site, and hear some of my ideas?” Gabriel asked. His voice seemed to hold a hint of annoyance that they had been interrupted yesterday.

Asha thought guiltily back to that ride from the day before. Colt had been so hopeful. The tenderness in his eyes had shredded her soul. Part of her wanted to do whatever it took to make him happy, but the larger, more fearful part, the part of her that would always be wild and untamed, held back. He’d mentioned that stupid dream and she could tell he wanted to make it come true for her. What Colt didn’t understand was that she was never going to be able to capture that feeling. The feeling of being loved and loving in return. She was incapable of that. She knew Colt deserved better than what she had to give and she felt guilty right to her core that she couldn’t be that for him.

Gabriel cleared his throat and Asha slammed back to the present. He was wearing jeans a tight fitting black t-shirt. His blonde hair was slicked back and he was freshly shaven. His eyes roved over her body, over the simple brown dress and denim jacket she had on. He looked at her like she was something he’d never seen before and she had a hard time keeping herself from blushing under his direct gaze.

 “Sure,” she stammered. “I can look at what you have and if you want you can tell me your ideas.”

Gabriel nodded. He stood and Asha followed him into his cabin. The lingering scent of bacon turned her stomach. It looked like he’d found time to finally go for groceries. She tried not to breathe in.

She watched carefully as Gabriel brought up some program on his laptop. He clicked through a couple screens and finally brought up the mock ups for her website. She stared at the pictures of her barn, the animals, farm equipment.

“Did you take those?”

Gabriel just nodded. He smiled, as he could tell from her voice that she was beyond pleased.

“You’re pretty good,” Asha admitted. She leaned in and watched as he scrolled through the pages. She didn’t have time to read through all the text but it looked like Gabriel had been busy.

 “Do you like it?” He asked. She could tell that it really mattered to him that she approved.

“Yes... Yes I like it. I would like to hear your ideas too.” Asha said. She found that now, it was true.

Gabriel leaned back in his chair. His eyes sparkled at her obvious admiration for his work. “I had this idea... for a blog on the website or for social media posts... I thought we could profile the animals and their stories. How they came to be here, their personalities, their background... Kind of what we were talking about… not everyone understands why someone would want to rescue cows and goats and chickens. People can understand dogs and cats I think, but farm animals take a little more getting used to. I thought that we could introduce people to their personalities. Maybe that would help them care.”

“That’s what I was thinking too.” Had she told him that? She couldn’t remember.

 “I thought that we could have a sponsor an animal button and people could donate money according to what it costs to feed and care for that animal. We could have a breakdown so people understand all the hard work the farm does and then they could donate to help cover the costs.”

 “Sure. Set it up and I'll approve it when you're done. I’m excited to read over everything you have. Can you send me the link to the mock up or how does that work? Or do you have all the text somewhere for me to look over?”

“I can send you the link.” Gabriel nearly beamed and for some reason the expression on his face both stirred Asha and made her distinctly uncomfortable.

She stood quickly, eager to put some distance between them. Suddenly, when she looked at Gabriel all she could truly see was Colt, standing in that field next to his saddled mare, the raw hope in his eyes more than she could take. She’d cut him down with her refusal. He’d taken his mare back to the corral, handed her off to Penny and left.

“Thanks.”

She beat a quick escape out of the cabin. She didn’t have to explain to Gabriel that she had things she needed to see to. She was thankful that she did. It made her escape convenient.

As soon as she was out in the fresh morning air she noticed a cloud of dust on the road not far from her driveway. It grew closer and she recognized Aaron’s truck. She didn’t know him well, but he was much younger than her. Had just turned nineteen. He helped Colt out with his own farming.

She strode down the porch steps and walked over to meet the truck as Aaron pulled up. He looked so relieved to see her she wondered what could possibly be amiss first thing in the morning.

Aaron turned off the truck and ran over to her, sweaty and out of breath. “It’s Colt,” he panted. “He’s popped his shoulder out and is being real difficult about it. Won’t let us take him to the hospital.”

Asha cursed silently under her breath, obviously surprising Aaron. The kid certainly had a lot to learn about the world if he was surprised but a quietly muttered aw hell. “I’ll come,” Asha assured him.

“Let me give you a ride.”

“Alright.” She only agreed because Aaron could take her right to wherever Colt was. The thought of him injured and in pain hurt her stomach. Fear crept up her throat, proving that she cared far more than she even let herself know. What the heck would I do without Colt? I do need him.

Before she could think more on that revelation, Aaron nodded and took off. She had no choice but to follow him and get in the passenger side of his old pick up. The thing was nearly as worn out as hers was.

He made quick work of the drive, pulling up into a field where they’d been cutting down hay. At the crack of dawn. Colt really didn’t believe in the whole grass growing under his boots idea.

There were tools scattered all over the ground, as clearly the machine had suffered a break down. Colt was sitting off to the side, on an upturned crate, his left arm tucked into his chest. He stared off into the distance and was so pale it scared Asha. Sweat dotted his forehead and ran down his face, but he didn’t seem to even notice.

“Colt,” Asha whispered, running up to him. She knelt down, careful not to touch him in front of Aaron, though she very much wanted to caress the hand that cradled his injured arm. She leaned in to inspect his shoulder, which she noticed right away, was indeed at an irregular angle. Her stomach rolled at the sight of it.

Colt looked at her then, as if he had just noticed she was there. His eyes were glazed over with pain. “Asha… I just put my shoulder out of joint. It’s not so bad, but this numbskull here won’t help me fix it and I can’t do it by myself.”

Asha glanced at Aaron, who shot her a look that spoke volumes. Obviously, he wasn’t going to be the one to push Colt’s shoulder back in. He didn’t want to end up with a black eye for his efforts.

She placed a hand gently on Colt’s good shoulder. His skin was clammy, even through his cotton t-shirt. “Let me take you to the hospital.”

“Nope. No hospital. No doctors. Just push it back in for me.”

God, can he be any more stubborn? Or annoying? She shook her head, reaching over him to feel his injured shoulder. His sudden intake of breath let her know just how painful it was. Colt wasn’t the kind of man who let his pain be known easily. He was tough as nails so it must be bad.

“If I push this in, you have to promise me you’ll take the rest of the day off to take care of yourself. The breakdown can wait.” She didn’t even want to know how the injury had occurred in the first place. Why am I even considering doing this?

Colt just nodded, his dark eyes fearless. She’d seen this done before. It wasn’t the first time someone had put their shoulder out. Asha’s hands roved the injury, feeling for the right angle, gauging the correct alignment. It really wasn’t that far from where it should be. She shifted, bracing herself against Colt.

“Do it,” he ground out.

Asha closed her eyes, took a breath and pushed. Hard. There was a crunching sound then a pop as the shoulder slid back to where it should have been all along.

Colt actually screamed. It was the first time Asha had ever heard him so much as utter more than a hiss of pain. She jumped away, shocked. Colt just sat there. Sweat poured down his face. It was a minute before he took a shaky breath, leaned to the side and retched painfully.

She stood there helplessly. She knew Colt wouldn’t appreciate her interference. Even her being there, witnessing his pain, was bad enough. He straightened, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and waited a minute before he tested his injured shoulder. He winced but was able to move it.

“Thanks,” he muttered. “You did a fine job.” Colt was even paler than before. He stood shakily, obviously ready to resume whatever he’d been doing.

“Oh, no,” Asha protested. “We had a deal. You’re coming back to my house. Where I can keep an eye on you.” Her offer shocked them both.

“No,” he finally muttered. He reached up and swiped the sweat off his forehead. “I’m good here.”

You stubborn ass. “A deal’s a deal,” Asha said firmly. “If you don’t come with me now, I’ll pop that shoulder back out of place and leave you like you were before.”

Colt grinned. “You wouldn’t. You couldn’t hurt a fly, Asha Roseland.”

She softened. “Come on, Colt. Take the morning off at least. I haven’t had breakfast yet. You were the one telling me you’d never been asked to a meal, so there you go.” She glanced sidelong at Aaron, aware that she’d said too much. He made a big production of studying the ground, pretending he hadn’t heard anything at all. “Can you drive me home, Aaron? And Colt too?”

The kid’s head snapped up. “Yah. Sure. Does this mean I have the day off?”

“I suppose so,” Colt ground out. He shot Asha an irritated look. “I guess the lady means business.”

Aaron barely restrained himself from doing a heel click as he jumped into his truck. He fired the old thing up and waited.

Asha extended her hand. Colt eventually took a step forward. His calloused palm closed around hers. She pointedly ignored the buzz of electricity that shot up her arm. It was like touching him for the first time.

She turned and guided him towards Aaron’s truck. She opened the door for him and watched him climb into the back seat before she slid in beside him.

The ride back to Roseland was strange. Silent. She was all too aware of how this looked. Do I really care? It was just that they’d been sharing a bed for years, yet neither of them had ever said a word aloud about how they felt about each other.

What do I truly feel? Asha couldn’t even begin to define the strange ache that settled with her and remained there. The prickling under her skin, the heaviness in her limbs and stomach. She felt… tender. Softer. She just wanted to be sure Colt was alright. He’d done a hell of a lot for her. The least she could do was give him a hot meal and make sure he didn’t kill himself working on farm equipment.

Aaron dropped them off by her house and Colt followed her in. He’d been in the house before, but this was different. She always came to him. His presence seemed to fill up the entire place.

She didn’t want to be disturbed. She turned the lock behind them as soon as Colt stepped through the door.

Asha studied Colt, who stood in the hall. He was dirty, sweaty and had vomit on his jeans. If it was possible, her heart softened a little more. She’d never felt so tender towards another person in her life. Colt grew up with loving parents, but at the moment it seemed like not a single person had looked after him his entire life. And in that moment, she wanted to.

“I’ll run a bath for you,” she said. “With Epson salt for your shoulder.”

Colt started to protest but Asha shook her head. “Look at yourself. You’re a mess. Just do as I say for once.”

A slow smile spread over his face. “I always do as you ask.”

She didn’t have a ready response for a statement that was entirely too true so she retreated down the hall, to the small bathroom. She readied the bath. She was just about to lay out a towel when she heard heavy footsteps in the hall. Colt paused in the doorway, eyes filled up with some deep emotion that she wasn’t prepared to deal with no matter how soft she felt.

“There,” she whispered, her voice a little hoarse. “Just throw your clothes out and I can wash them for you.”

His eyes lowered to his hands. She was painfully aware that what they were doing was far too intimate even though neither of them were naked.

She made her second hasty retreat in less than five minutes, brushing past Colt and shutting the door firmly behind her.

Asha didn’t stop walking until she was in the kitchen. She leaned against the counter, her lungs strangely deflated. She had no reason to be out of breath. She shouldn’t feel like this. She’d seen Colt naked a hundred times. This… this was so different. It was new, undiscovered, unchartered territory. Him being in her house like this felt a little like him invading that secret part of herself that she kept walled off to protect herself.

“Fuck,” Asha whispered under her breath. She didn’t make a habit of using bad language, but there seemed to be nothing better to say. She didn’t want to think about whatever it was that was truly between them, whatever had grown, unnoticed, like a seed in her heart, sprouting and flowering in the center of her soul.

She shoved the thoughts aside and busied herself preparing the breakfast she’d promised. She whipped up oatmeal and cut a few slices off the freshly baked bread Ginny had given her the evening before. Asha was laying out the jams on the table when Colt appeared, the white terrycloth towel tucked firmly around his hips.

Asha’s mouth went completely dry. Dry like the time she’d fallen off Cinnamon and eaten a mouthful of dirt. She’d seen Colt a thousand times in the daylight, working without a shirt but him standing there, in her kitchen, utterly vulnerable, was a different story.

“You were right. I was filthy. The bath definitely helped my shoulder.” He flexed the injury in question and breathed in deeply.

“I’m glad,” Asha mumbled. She indicated the table. “Eat something if you can. I can either wash your clothes or go to your house and get you some clean ones.”

He sat heavily. “It’s fine. Don’t worry. Not the first time I put on dirty clothes.”

She realized that he didn’t want to be a bother. To put her out. Good lord, the man worked from dawn until dusk, often on her own land and never charged her a cent. He never asked a damn thing of her. Just gave and gave and gave…

“Do you want milk? All I have is almond though.” Asha turned quickly, blinking back sudden tears. She didn’t wait for a response. She grabbed the carton and a glass and set them both down in front of Colt.

He stared at her for a second before he lowered his eyes to the glass. “Thanks,” he said quietly.

She sat across from him and they ate in silence. She had to force her food down past her constricted throat. Why on earth do I feel like bawling like a baby?

Colt finished his food in record time and leaned back. “That was really good. Thank you.”

Asha felt her cheeks heat up. Were they really doing this for the first time ever? Sitting down and having breakfast? She didn’t miss the softness in Colt’s own eyes, couldn’t miss what this truly meant to him. Her tongue tied itself in knots. She should apologize, she realized, but how exactly did one say sorry for being so completely inadequate for so very long?

“Do you want to lay down? I have a couch… or- uh- there’s a spare room.”

“It’s fine. Just drive me home.”

“You said you would take the morning off.”

Colt’s lips turned up in a half smile that was far too sad. “I know. I will.”

She understood then, that he was trying to give her an out. He knew this was hard for her, that he was invading a part of her world that she wasn’t quite ready to share, even after years. God, she’d known him since she was in kindergarten. He’d been two years ahead of her. They’d grown up together. Played together. He’d worked for her dad when he was older, in addition to helping his parents with their own farm.

 What could she say? Asha studied Colt’s face. He didn’t look away. She realized then, what her true fear was.

That one day he’ll get tired of me and go away and leave me for good.

She didn’t know what was worse. The fact that she realized, after years of denying it, that there was a huge part of herself that wanted Colt, wanted more than just stolen interludes in the middle of the night. She didn’t know what love was, but there was an emptiness in her heart that she’d always been too carefully busy to notice. She felt frozen in place, caught between her fear of letting Colt go to find someone he truly deserved and her inability to truly love someone.

“Okay,” Asha relented because she didn’t know what else to do. She’d never felt so uncomfortable in her own skin. “Get your clothes then.”

Colt did. He went and put his dirty clothes on because she asked him to. If she’d asked him to stay, to stay and take her into his arms and hold her, she knew he would have done it without hesitation.

He was silent as she drove him home. He didn’t say a word as he climbed out of the truck, just nodded and disappeared inside his house.

She sat for a minute after, staring at that weather blistered, sun faded front door. There was a huge part of her that wanted to go after him. To take him into her arms and hold him and beg him to forgive her for being so far from what she should have been. She wanted to tell him she was proud of him. That he was a good man. That she didn’t know what love meant, but if she did, she would love him.

Instead she turned her truck around and drove slowly back to her own farm. She was good at a few things in life. Working was one of them. She loved her staff, she was passionate about what she did. She was loyal to her friends. She could wake at dawn and work until well past midnight most days. She could pour her blood, sweat and tears into her land. Why then, couldn’t she do the same for Colt?