Fifteen
June 15
The Reel Deal Blog
Posted by: Rolls ROYce
There are two types of people: those who kiss and tell and those who kiss and run. I would like to be the former, but sadly, due to my kissing partner, I have been forced to become the latter.
I am delirious with joy that Sparkle and I kissed. Twice. Every time I see her, I want to pick her up. I want to swing her around. I want to scream to the world that we are together at last. But I can’t. Because she doesn’t want me to. And I am but a servant to her wishes and whimsies.
Slide says I’m being a wuss. A-man says straight people are weird. I suspect they’re both at least partially right. But what neither of them sees is how my brain completely short circuits when I think about her. Or maybe they do. I don’t know. I mean, Slide did call me out today because I kept spacing out in calculus and we have our final on Wednesday. All I can say is that Roger Ebert said it best: First love is sweet and valuable, a blessed, if hazardous, condition.
Speaking of Ebert, we are nearing completion on filming; in fact, we should be done by Friday, and then Slide and I will edit the thing to show at the festival. And you know something? I kick butt at being a producer. I thought I was all about being a film critic, but I’m great at putting out fires and getting my director anything she needs to do her job. I even weigh in on scene blocking and storyline issues. The other day someone—let’s call her The Lion—even came to me for a costume issue. (The green wasn’t the right kind or something and it was clashing with her hair, but still. It was important to the actress and she sought my counsel! We decided that she could wear a lighter shade of green. I mean, the film’s going to be black-and-white, so no skin off my back, but she was insistent and said knowing she didn’t look her best was interfering with her creative output. And then she proceeded to fuss over everyone else’s costumes—buttoning sleeves and hitching up hemlines—and helped us look sharper as a group). It’s like I’m slowly gaining a modicum of respect. Like people see me as an expert of sorts. It feels for the first time like I’m moving away from the shadow of my brother and coming to stand in my own light.
As for Sparkle … She sees me for me. When she looks into my eyes, I can tell she’s just as captivated by me as I am by her. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this, but when we’re working together, I feel alive, like I’m me in a way I’ve never been before. Man, I can’t believe I just typed that. But it’s true. Sparkle sees me as I am, without seeing my brother first.
So all I can do is be patient and wait for her to realize what I’ve known for a long time: We’re meant to be together. It’s so obvious. I know she’s going to come to the same conclusion, no matter what it is that’s holding her back.
Monday, June 15
AP Bio
Dear Lynne Ramsay,
Mrs. Mears was having us watch a video about mitosis (or was it meiosis? Something with cells, anyway) and she let us all sit wherever we wanted. I was kinda hoping Maddie would want to sit with me even though we haven’t talked since she told me I shouldn’t go to Hannah’s party. But she and Hannah ended up across from me, and I sat with Matthew (who began passing me notes; I was so surprised I didn’t even realize the piece of paper he handed me was a note until he cleared his throat and nodded meaningfully at the paper). Matthew’s note enclosed. But that’s not even the most surprising part. As I was scribbling my response to Matthew, I overheard Maddie and Hannah’s whispered conversation (I have batlike hearing). It went something like this:
Hannah: So what was up with you and Nath at the library?
Maddie: What do you mean?
H: Lewis told Desiree that you two were huddled together whispering or something?
M: *laughter* Um, no, I was just being nice to him. …
H: Okay, because you don’t want to ruin things with Lewis. I’m pretty sure he’s going to ask you to go out the night of my party.
M: I told you, it’s not like that with Lewis and me.
H: But it could be. Unless you want Nath instead?
M: *laughter, more frantic and fake* No, obviously not. I felt sorry for him, that’s all. He’s Twinkle’s friend.
H: Ugh, I don’t know why you even hang out with her anymore. Anyway, so wear something hot to my party, and I’ll make sure you and Lewis hook up.
M: Okay, but can we talk about this later? I need to watch this video.
H: *sigh* Whatever.
I was gripping my pencil so hard by the end that I was sure it would snap. I glared at Maddie and Hannah, but neither of them was looking at me.
It doesn’t matter, I forced myself to think. None of this matters. I have my new friends. And soon I’ll be able to leave groundling status, simply based on this movie I’m making, which’ll force people to see me and the message I want to send to the world. That’s all I need.
Love,
Twinkle
Note from Matthew to Twinkle
HEY. SO, NOT TO BE ALL MIDDLE SCHOOL, BUT DID AARON SAY ANYTHING ABOUT ME?
Besides asking if I knew where he could find a bare-chested photo of you, no.
HAHA. BUT SERIOUSLY, TWINKLE.
Seriously, he didn’t. BUT he did have this goofy smile all day yesterday after you left and this morning when I saw him before homeroom.
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Yep. If you like him, you should ask him out.
HE’S NOT SEEING ANYONE ELSE?
I don’t think so.
YOU HAVE TO BE SURE!
Okay, okay. I’ll ask him. Jeez. So … you like him a lot, huh?
I THINK SO. WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON. THE FIRST TIME I SAW HIM WAS AT A CONCERT FOR THE DUSTY ARCHIVES. OR WAS IT THE PLATONIC PLANETS? OH, I REMEMBER. THE PLATONIC PLANETS OPENED FOR THE DUSTY ARCHIVES.
You two are definitely meant for each other.
YOU THINK SO TOO?? ALSO, NATH WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU AND SAHIL ARE GOING OUT.
What?? No, we’re not. And anyway, why does he care??
I DON’T KNOW. I THINK HE WAS CURIOUS.
Did he say anything about Maddie?
HE SAID SHE’S CUTE. AND OUT OF HIS LEAGUE. AND PROBABLY GOING OUT WITH LEWIS.
What? No, she’s not (on both of those last two counts)! Do you think he’ll ask her out?
ARE YOU TRYING TO SET EVERYONE AT PPC UP OR WHAT?
I should form a matchmaking LLC or something.
YOU’LL NEED SOMETHING WHEN YOU FAIL BIO BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION.
You’re the one who started passing me notes!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. SORRY. BUT YOU’LL FIND OUT? IF AARON’S SEEING ANYONE ELSE? APPARENTLY THERE WAS A GUY FROM LAKE VALLEY A FEW MONTHS AGO, BUT … AARON’S A TOTAL ENIGMA, BUT I KNOW HE LIKES YOU. HE’LL TELL YOU IF YOU ASK HIM.
LOL at the idea of Aaron being an enigma but yeah. I’ll definitely find out for you.
MERCI.
Tuesday, June 16
AP English
Dear Sally Potter,
Today we sat out on the green at lunch because it was such a beautiful day. I ended up sprawled on the grass, and Sahil came to sit beside me with his food, our legs touching casually.
“So, Aaron,” I said, a little too loudly, trying to divert my brain’s attention from the feeling of Sahil’s muscled thigh against my own skinny one.
He looked over at me, his mouth full of burger.
“You have a not-so-secret admirer.”
His eyes got wide and he swallowed his mouthful. “Oh yeah?”
“I think you have an inkling of who it is.” I grinned and shielded my eyes from the sun with one hand. “What should I tell him? Are you interested?”
After a pause, during which Aaron looked everywhere possible but directly at me, he nodded. “I’ll talk to him after school.”
Sahil and I both whooped and Aaron threw a fork in our general direction. “Oh, shut up.”
“That’s just great,” Skid said, popping a French fry into his mouth. “Why does it have to be so easy for some people? I can’t even get Portia to look my way.”
Aaron glared at him. “Easy? You think being a gay black guy is easy?”
Skid held up his hands. “Sorry, man. You’re right. I wasn’t thinking.”
Aaron went back to his burger. “Forgiven. Continue.”
“I took your advice,” Skid said, looking at me. “But she didn’t look too hot during service.” He paused. “Temperature-wise, I mean,” he said with a cocky sneer. I rolled my eyes and he continued. “And she brought her own Bible. It was nicer than mine. Should I steal hers so I can offer mine?”
I sighed. “No, Skid. Those were just examples. You should look out for your own opportunities.”
“What’s this?” Sahil asked, looking between us with interest.
“I was telling Skid a sure way to a girl’s heart—if she’s anything like me—is to do something selfless for her.” I snapped my fingers. “I know. You can invite her to Midsummer Night. You said she’s a catalog model. Tell her there’ll be media people here to make it interesting for her. She can’t turn something like that down.”
Skid pointed a finger at me, grinning. “That’s not a bad idea at all. I’m gonna do that. Thanks.”
I was genuinely happy for Skid. I mean, why not? Someone around here deserves to be happy and in love if it’s not going to be me.
Love,
Twinkle
Wednesday, June 17
10 days until Midsummer Night
My room
Dear Mira Nair,
I did not know it was possible to be as mad as I got today.
We were filming one of our final scenes after school at Victoria Lyons’s house. Her parents are out of town at one of their French country homes, and she said she thought her living room would be the perfect setting for the scene we were doing. She was right; once we set up all the spider webs and stuff, it 100 percent looked like a room in a castle.
So, the scene had Lewis, who plays the role of Mina (aka Morris in our film), Francesca, Brij, and Maddie. Sahil and I set up the scene and the camera and told them to take their places. I loved how the actors kept looking at me when they voiced an opinion, to see what I thought. There was no evidence of my social bottom-feeder status. Everyone knew that in here, I was the boss. Victoria was on the couch, texting. (Her thumbs were all blurry from the speed. How do people do that??) So I went and took my place behind the camera, and then Sahil did his clapboard thing and yelled, “Action!” before picking his way back to me silently, out of view of the camera.
“Morris must go to his room to rest,” Francesca said, adjusting her fake spectacles.
“I don’t think that’s as important …,” Lewis began, and then stopped. “That’s not as important …” He looked right at the camera and smiled, like he was all embarrassed.
I sighed. “He just broke the fourth wall.”
Sahil called out, “Cut!”
Massaging my shoulders (we’d been working for more than ninety minutes straight at that point), I walked over to the actors. “What’s going on, Lewis?” I asked, keeping my voice even.
“I’m having problems remembering my lines,” he said, scratching his chest nonchalantly and grinning.
I considered him in silence for a second. “Okay, but … you have three lines in this scene.”
He laughed. “My bad.”
I put a hand to my forehead and took a deep breath. I wasn’t laughing, and I was trying my best not to lose my temper. The other actors shifted uncomfortably. “You’ve had, like, five days to memorize them. That’s when I sent out that e-mail saying we’d be shooting this scene today, remember?”
“I gotta be honest,” Lewis said, still grinning. My blood pressure was starting to skyrocket. “I went to this frat party last night and it wiped my memory, man.” He laughed again. “My bad, though.”
Maddie, Brij, and Francesca all looked like they were hoping for a trapdoor to open and take them away from this hideous scene unfolding before us.
Something gave way inside me and my voice came out louder than I was intending it to. “That’s all you have to say about it? ‘My bad, though’?” This was everything I hated—that smug look on his face, saying his time was more important than mine. The entitlement that came with being one of the silk feathered hats—that all the groundlings were there simply to kowtow to your every need. The knowledge, once again, that I simply didn’t register on their radars. That I was, effectively, invisible, no matter what I was doing or how much good a project like this might do. It was all secondary to Lewis’s need to go out to a frat party and get his memory “wiped.”
Victoria looked up from her phone. I only barely noticed her.
“Chill, dude,” Lewis said. “What, is it your time of the month or something?”
Sahil walked up, his eyes glinting. I’d never seen him look so … fierce. He was usually so soft and gentle, like that puppy in the toilet paper commercials.
I put a hand on his arm. “I got this.” When I looked back at Lewis, it was like this avalanche of rage just burst through me. It was like all the times I’d found Mummy sleeping when I needed her or Papa working when I wanted to talk to him, all the times Maddie had blown me off for her other friends, all the times Hannah had implied my hair was awful or my clothes belonged on Orphan Annie came rushing-gushing to the surface. I remembered years of being overlooked, of party invitations being “lost in the mail.” All of those things were volcanic lava, finally erupting after ages of being suppressed. Because now I was somebody. I wasn’t a wallflower anymore; I wasn’t that girl they could just ignore and push aside and laugh at.
“How. Dare. You,” I said to Lewis, and I heard the throbbing tremor of anger under my words. Pushing a finger into his chest, I continued. “You think just because your daddy is on the board of a gazillion hospitals and your mom was a model in the eighties that you own everyone around you? We’re all on your schedule because this is the Lewis Shore Show. And you can treat girls however you want because they’re just there to prop you up, to make you feel like a big man, right, Lewis? You never stop to think that you’re nothing but a grunting Neanderthal just like your father. So maybe I shouldn’t be surprised that you made that completely sexist, jerk comment.”
Lewis’s face was pale. To be honest, everyone looked like mannequins, staring at me in wide-eyed shock. It was like they couldn’t believe those words had come out of my mouth. I was breathing hard into the silence. To be honest, I couldn’t believe it either. All this stuff had just poured out, but it was all true. I mean, Lewis’s family is a total clichéd joke. But … if it was all true, why did I feel this burning, cringing inside me like I was the one who’d done something wrong?
Sahil spoke first. “Twinkle …,” he began, his voice heavy with what sounded a lot like disappointment and shock.
“What?” It came out sharper than I’d intended because I was starting to feel weirdly defensive. Why was everybody staring at me? Hadn’t they heard what Lewis had said to me? Hadn’t they heard the misogynistic comment that came after I had told him to do what he was supposed to be doing in the first place?
Maddie spoke next. First, she huffed a laugh that made me ten times angrier. “You can’t speak to people like that,” she said, her face a mask of disbelief. “Who do you think you are?”
“Who do I think I am? That’s hilarious coming from you, Maddie.” I gestured around at all of them. “You’re all so entitled. You think you can just behave however you want and say whatever you want. This movie means something to me. To you it’s maybe just a bullet on your college applications. But this is the career I want, okay? This is serious.”
Brij stepped closer to Maddie, almost unconsciously, I thought. His jaw was hard as he looked at me, shaking his head. But before I could call that out, Maddie was speaking again.
“Wow,” she said, staring at me. “I get that. Okay? But you can’t talk about people like that. It’s not right!”
“Can we all just take a deep breath?” Sahil said, his voice deep and calm. “This is getting out of hand.”
“What’s getting out of hand is Twinkle’s attitude,” Maddie said, unbuttoning her cape. “And you know what? I don’t need this crap.” She let it drop and stalked off, out the door.
“You can’t leave now!” I yelled at her retreating form. “This is the last week of shooting!”
The door banged shut.