CHAPTER TEN
I had been answering the wrong questions I realised from my walking up and down the coast, toes covered in sand. By the time I got back to the house I shared with several other students, I had a plan.
I began by spewing all of the thoughts I had onto paper. I knew that it wasn't a good idea to start taking action right away. If nothing else, studying pre-law in the states had taught me that logic and reason win arguments, not emotion.
After doing that, I started picking out things and making actionable steps. I didn't have forever to take life by the horns. Life is so short and I wouldn't let myself screw this up. Even though it was my life and it was up to me to make things happen, I still felt the burden of responsibility here. I had to at least make it look like I knew what I was doing, and that I could be trusted to run my own life without anyone's interference.
I was well aware that my wealthy parents could easily disinherit me and I couldn't let that happen. I wasn't going to do anything to upset them either. When I did approach them with big scary ideas, I would do so in a way that framed the ideas in a positive light. They would have no reason to turn me away.
Researching took a long time. I spent hours poring over different websites. Even as I had some idea where to start, I still felt like I was a bit of a mess of ideas (even with all the beach walking and spewing ideas onto paper I had done).
It was past midnight when I finally went to bed. I did promise myself though that I would get some work underway the following day. I had done all the researching and reading I could manage for now. It was time for me to leap into action the following day, and this time I wasn't going to be as willing to take a no as I had been when my university refused to let me switch majors.
That night I struggled to get to sleep before finally falling asleep sometime in the pre-dawn hours and then waking up early the following day.
I had classes in the afternoon but with the morning free, I made a bunch of phone calls and sent off some emails. On my phone was a text message from David which I dutifully ignored as I went back to executing my grand plans.
By lunchtime, I had the good news I wanted to share with David. I texted him to ask if he could meet me after classes this afternoon. He agreed without asking me what for and I went to class.
As distracted as I was, I still managed to get all the work I needed to do done taking notes and arranging a meeting - studies related this time - with a professor before running off to the quiet pub that no-one else on campus went to where I would be meeting David.
When I walked in I saw him ordering drinks at the bar. He had already ordered mine even though I wasn't there yet and when he saw me his expression shifted. He went from looking tired after a long day at work to looking happy to see me. It was sweet to know that I made him feel that way and bought a smile to my own face.
I swooped in for a kiss at the bar, and he kissed me right back which shocked me for a moment as we normally didn't show affection in public and I wasn't used to it.
Without missing a beat, David broke the kiss and motioned for us to sit near one of the windows. I followed him over to the window and we sat together and chatted about our days for a bit until he asked me before taking a sip of his beer, "What did you want to meet me for?"
I took a deep breath and felt the butterflies rising inside my tummy. I imagined myself eating all of them down again before telling him, "I am making choices. Doing things now, rather than just letting the whole thing with changing my major take over."
"That sounds good." He told me, not really paying too much attention as he surveyed the bar. I imagined he was looking to see if anyone from the university was there.
"What happens if you're caught dating a student anyway?" I asked David, wanting to know why our relationship had become such a secret anyway. I didn't want it to be, I wanted to tell everyone that I was with this man who I adored and thought so highly of, but couldn't. This was disappointing, and it hurt.
"Um." David screwed up his face a little and looked at me before confessing, "I'm not sure, actually."
"No-one's ever told you?" I asked.
David was shaking his head, "Guess no-one thought they had to."
"So, in theory, nothing bad could happen if your bosses found out?" I asked, feeling a little silly I had been so upset about the possibility of us being found out that I hadn't told anyone - not even Sammy, although she had figured it out on her own and would smugly smile as she asked me how Creative Writing classes were going.
"No. That doesn't mean nothing bad will happen, it just means I don't know what would happen." David said.
I had found while I was in Ireland, that rules didn't matter too much to the Irish. They didn't much care for them, and were not interested in rules or rule makers as much as we were in the states. Actually, the Irish really hated rules and rule makers. They didn't have much respect for police and had zero respect for their politicians. Irish people neither cared, nor wanted to be under any rules that didn't suit them.
I told David this - that no-one here cared about rules, and we would probably be fine, so when could we start meeting at normal pubs and behaving like a normal couple? - and he sighed before telling me that he didn't think that was the case. That he still wanted to be on the safe side.
"Why does it matter?" I asked, "If you really weren't allowed to date students, they would have told you. If it's a rule, it's not a secret. That girl was probably just being a bitch."
David shook his head at me. I rarely swore in front of him (my mother's obsession with politeness did stick with me in my relationship with David even if I disregarded it everywhere else).
"That's not the point. Anyway, aren't you leaving soon?" He shot back at me.
Stalemate.
I stared at him and he at me, both not speaking. David's face was one of a man who thought he had just won an argument. I didn't want to throw what I had to say into an argument so merely let the conversation slide. I changed the subject. I talked some more about the day I had had before telling him I had been doing some research.
"What on?" David asked, curious. Ever the academic.
"On degree options." I told him, "I would like to stay here."
David's jaw hit the deck. He looked so shocked that I could hardly believe it was him sitting in front of me. David was always a talker, yet now he was totally silent.
"What?" I asked, hoping to prod him into action.
"Nothing, it's just - I'm shocked." He told me.
"Well, I can see that." I told him, "But aren't you happy to hear it, too?"
David cleared his throat, as if to regain his composure, before going on, "Yes. I am happy."
"Well, you don't sound it." I told him, because he really didn't. His voice sounded pretty flat, although it didn't sound disinterested at least.
David rushed to tell me, "No, I am happy. I am just shocked."
There was silence for some time after that as David took a few swigs of his drink then asked me, "Are you sure you're making the right decision?"
"What do you mean?" I asked, confused. Why wasn't he jumping for joy?
"You were happy to be an exchange student not long ago, now you want to be an international student in Ireland? It's a big leap." He told me.
"Is it?" I asked, "Is it a big leap, or do you not want me to stay?" I asked.
"I never said that!" He protested loudly.
I had nothing more to say to him, so just stared at him. I hoped he wanted me to stay. I hoped he felt the same way about me that I felt about him. But what if he didn't? What if this was just a short term fling for him after all? The thought of him not feeling the same way as I did really hurt. It made my heart sink and my face fall.
Trying to regain some composure, I took a few deep breaths and told myself it was fine. If he didn't want me, I would stay anyway. It wasn't that much more expensive to study here over home, and as it turned out (I found through my research) I could get into law school just the same with an international degree as long as my grades were good. I came from an old legal family, too, which would have to mean something.
I knew in my heart that I would never want to go back to America and be a lawyer, that I had changed too much for that but I wanted to study here, and had to find a way to sell the idea to my family. It had been difficult enough selling a semester abroad, it would be even more difficult selling the idea of me studying here full-time, as an international student before I went home to study in the states for graduate school.
If I did it this way though, I could still study a degree in the arts and get into a school in the US. It was in vogue back home in America right now for schools to poach international students or Americans with international bachelor degrees. Some of the best schools were doing it, I could still get in - and it would be easier - if I studied here.
All the chips were stacked in favour of my staying here in Ireland, I should know, I was the one who stacked them. Now I had a problem though if my boyfriend didn't want me to stay.
I hadn't made this choice because of him, but he was a big part of the reason I wanted to stay. Our relationship was a little fledgling, but something about it just felt right. It felt so good to be together and even though it had only been a short time, I couldn't imagine my life before him.
I had fallen hard for this guy. It was crazy, but it was true. I wanted him, and wanted to be with him, really, really badly.
Now he was sitting before me, unsure what he wanted it seemed. Or maybe he had been sure, and what he wanted wasn't me.
I stood up, "I am going to go now." I told him, unable to take much more of this, "I have a lot of planning to do after all. You call me when you know what you want."
And without a backwards glance, I was out of there. I couldn't bare the thought that perhaps he would say no to me, that perhaps he would reject me, so I just walked away. If it was meant to be, it would be. There wasn't anything I could do right now to make this happen. I just had to wait.
If you love a bird, you let it go.