Deep in My Soul
Keelie
“What the fuck is going on between you and Mr. Sexy Pants?”
I look away from my sister and keep spooning leftover baked ziti into a container. We’re at my parents’ home for brunch. By all, I mean my whole family and the Hollingsworths. I’ve skipped brunch enough lately, there was no way I was getting out of it again without a doctor’s note proving someone was about to die.
“Yo. I’m talking to you,” Stephie bites under her breath and pokes me in the shoulder.
“Hey!” I grab my arm. “That’s where I had stitches. It’s still sensitive.”
She rolls her eyes. “How long are you going to play the ‘I got shot’ card? You’re fine. I want to know what’s up with you and Asa. You sat next to each other, he had his arm around you, you all spoke in the same conversations, but not once did either of you utter a word to one another. Hell, you two barely gave each other a glance.”
I shrug and look back to the food. “We broke up.”
Stephie doesn’t make a sound so I look over. She’s standing there with her hands on her hips and a blank expression on her face. “You broke up?”
I grimace. “Sort of. I mean, they’re still living with us and we seem to be carrying on as normal because Asa won’t have it any other way. But that’s it. I guess it’s his version of giving me space, which isn’t a lot of it.”
“Wait. You broke things off with him?” She’s flabbergasted—her eyes big and frowny. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“You don’t get it.” I start throwing leftover salad into another bowl with violent tosses—carrot shavings going every which way. “Everything happened too fast. I need time to think—slow down. His idea of giving me what I want is carrying on without speaking to me. He won’t leave, Stephie. He’s even sleeping in my bed.”
“What in the world do you have to think about?” Her face hardens and her tone is harsh when she throws her arm out and points to the backyard where my parents and Aunt Lillian Rose are sitting on the deck watching everyone play lawn darts. “That man is out there putting up with our family for you. He’s the first man who’s spent quality time with your kids in two years. And I hate to point this out, but he’s also the man who’s sticking around, putting up with whatever this bullshit is you’re dishing out. Time? Space? Are you fucking kidding me with this shit?”
My blood boils. She doesn’t get it and it’s not like I can explain that he’s some badass who doesn’t hesitate to go out into the night and ends up with over forty stitches as a party favor. I can’t explain how he’s used to dangerous work and doesn’t hesitate jumping headfirst into whatever drama is going down. And there’s been a lot of fucking drama.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” I lower my voice and throw my words back at her. “I’m trying to do what’s best, especially for Knox and Saylor. I don’t want them to lose anyone again—”
“That’s bullshit and you know it,” she interrupts. “You’re not afraid of anyone leaving you. Hell, you were fucking alone long before David died and practically had his bags packed. Don’t pretend you weren’t well on the road to divorce.”
I take a step back, crossing my arms. Trying to control my breathing, I shake my head and bite my lip. Stephie and I are direct and bitchy with one another, but not like this. This is a new low, even for her.
“Yeah. That’s what I thought.” She doesn’t stop, even when I don’t have a comeback. “Just because you had a shitty marriage once doesn’t mean it’ll happen again. It’s time to pull your head out of your ass and see what you’re missing out on before he gets sick of your shit and leaves.”
“Fuck you,” I whisper. This is why I wanted to skip brunch. I was crazy to think I could spend time with my family and Asa and not catch shit for something, but I never thought it would be like this.
She rolls her eyes. “So be it. Fuck you back.”
I grab my purse. I don’t care if I make a scene, I need to get out of here.
“You put on a good front,” she calls from behind me. “Making everyone think you’re a pillar of strength, but you’re nothing but a coward, Keelie Lockhart. You know it.” The last thing I hear before I slam the door is Stephie yelling, “It’s time to wake the fuck up.”
My chest tightens and I swallow over the lump in my throat to overcome it—but thank God, I do, because now I need an excuse as to why we’re leaving. I’ve never needed to escape so quickly, and I’ll be doing it with the crux of all my problems in tow.
*****
I’ve hit a new low. Not only am I ignoring Asa, but now I’ve lumped the other four people living under my roof into the mix.
We escaped my parents’ house with weird looks from everyone. My dad was confused while my mother looked hurt. Aunt Lillian Rose just sat there eating her Italian cream cake, shaking her head as we rushed away. My sister stood in the driveway with her arms crossed and a foot hitched—total bitch stance—and no doubt informed everyone what happened the second we drove off.
I was silent on the long drive home and let Asa do what he’s a rock star at—carrying on with life. He talked to his kids about their classes, informed Emma they were going to have a geometry study session that afternoon, and asked Knox and Saylor what they like to do during the summers.
This all led into him making all kinds of fun plans for the six of us come June. This created a deeper pit in my stomach and the minute he threw the Infiniti into park, I was out the door in record time. I’ve never needed to get away so badly. All the talk of family fun, traveling, and projects that did not include home improvements, would be any other woman’s wet dream, but today, for me, it was my kryptonite.
Anyone else would be riding the high of her wet dream like Miss America on this late Sunday afternoon with perfect weather, but not this gal. Nope. I dove right into a task I knew no one in their right mind would interrupt.
I cleaned showers.
All four of them. For hours. I pushed everything out of my mind and thought only about soap scum and how shower door crevices were created by the devil himself.
Because I’m that fucked up.
I cleaned until they sparkled and every bathroom in the house smelled like a chemical bomb exploded in it, because when it comes to showers, that organic shit does not do the job.
I cleaned all the way through dinner and since Knox and Saylor never came to me insisting they were about to die from hunger, I assumed someone fed them. I was a filthy mess by the time I was done and took the longest shower possible in my sparkling haven.
When I came downstairs with hair wet, wearing an old pair of pajama pants with a t-shirt, it was late and guilt consumed me. I ignored everyone all day and left them to fend for themselves. My house was dark with only the light on over the sink and a couple random lamps glowing. I wasn’t prepared for what I’d see when I came around the corner, but there it was, like a shot to the heart.
Asa and Saylor. He’s lying on the sofa and she’s passed out on his chest—her arm and leg hanging off the side, snoozing away—and not the fake kind where she just wants to be carried to bed. Black Beauty is tossed to the floor next to them and the minute I walk into the room, Asa’s eyes pop open. From the look on his face, he was dozing.
That lump in my throat bubbles up again, and as hard as I try, this time I can’t overcome it. Feeling lost, I don’t know what to do or say anymore.
“Where is everyone?” I whisper my first words to him since our phone call the other day.
If he’s surprised, he doesn’t let it show, and puts a hand to Saylor’s small back. “They all went to their rooms a while ago.”
I nod, letting the vision of him and my daughter brand itself deep in my soul.
“You hungry?” he asks without taking his eyes off me.
I bite my lip, unable to speak, and shake my head.
He keeps talking like we haven’t been ignoring one another for the past six days. “Knox took his iPad to bed. You might want to make sure he’s not still up. I told him you’d look in on him when you were done. He was good with that.”
Biting my lip harder doesn’t make the sudden tears that spring to life go away, so I turn my head to the side and hope he can’t see my watering eyes through the dim room.
“Keelie?” he calls for me in a low rumbly tone.
I look back and can’t hide them any longer. Silent tears stream down my face. Not knowing what to do, I spin on my heel. If Saylor wakes, I don’t want her to see me crying.
Taking the stairs two at a time, I head straight to my room. By the time I close the door behind me, I lose all control. My tears come with sobs and they can’t be stopped. I don’t know how long I stand here like this, but the next thing I know, his arms round me from behind and I’m up, cradled to his chest. He sits on my bed with me in his lap, and shushes me while stroking my back.
I shake my head in his neck and my voice is shaky when I manage, “I’m sorry.”
His answer is immediate. “Don’t be sorry.”
My words are garbled through my tears. “You make my heart hurt.”
His hand tightens in my hair and his arms flex around me. Putting his lips to my ear, he whispers, “That’s a good thing, baby.”
“What if it’s not?”
“You have to trust that it is.”
I shake my head, wiping my face and nose on his shirt. Pulling back, I look up at him through teary eyes. “You love us, don’t you?”
Without hesitation, he leans forward and puts his lips on mine. His kiss isn’t brutal or demanding like I’m used to. If a kiss could be a promise, then he just professed his declaration—heart and soul. So much so, he doesn’t need words to back up his oath, but still says, “I do. It’s about time you realized it.”
I nod and stuff my face into his neck until I calm down. We sit like this, his hands moving on me, for a long while. I missed his touch so much. I just missed him.
“I gave you what you needed, Keelie, but it’ll never happen again.”
It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to know he’s referring to my silent treatment. I nod and put my lips to his neck.
“This week fucking sucked,” he goes on. “I’ll lay the world at your feet, baby, but don’t ever expect space from me. You ask for that again, there’ll be hell to pay.”
“Okay.” My voice is unsteady and I wipe my face one more time.
“You’re a hard-headed woman.” He looks down at me, shaking his head.
“I said I was sorry.”
A smirk plays on his lips. “It’s a good thing I missed you.”
Realizing it now more than ever, I missed him so much. “Thank you for not leaving us.”
“Knox and Saylor are asleep,” he announces out of the blue, and stands to put me on my feet.
My toes just hit the floor when he’s pulling my shirt over my head. Before I know it, I’m standing in front of him naked. He whips his own shirt off and my hands go directly to his stitches that are just a week old. My fingers drift lightly over the healing scar marring his beautiful body.
I don’t have the chance to ask when his stitches come out because he keeps talking. “Missed you so fucking much. You don’t know how painful it was being close to you but not touch you.” I close my eyes and press my forehead to his chest, feeling terrible for what I put him through. His lips come to the top of my head and his hands drag down my bare body. “I hope you’re ready, baby. I plan to bury myself in you so deep, you’ll feel where I’ve been for a week.”
I tense at his words. If I wasn’t wet before, I am now. Lifting up on my toes, I put my mouth to his as his hands claim my face. There’s nothing soft or gentle about his touch. His fingers tense on my skin and I feel every muscle flex in his chest.
One hand dips into my hair and the other slides down my body where his fingers slide through me like silk.
“Thank fuck,” he mutters. Letting me go, he unbuttons his jeans as he demands, “On your back, baby, and spread for me.”
I exhale and stumble back two steps to my bed. I’ve just laid back when he climbs over me, and with an arm behind one of my knees, pulls me wide and fills me in an instant.
Berating myself for being so screwed in the head that I kept this from us for almost a week, I lift my hips to feel as much of him as possible. “I missed you.”
He pulls out just enough to slam into me again and he’s never felt so good.
“Don’t stop,” I beg, but he pulls out and I lose him.
“On your knees, cheek to the mattress.” His hand comes to my hip and he puts me where he wants me. Grabbing one of my hands, he directs it between my legs where his fingers dance with mine, teasing with my clit. “Play with yourself, but do not come yet.”
Oh, that’s going to be hard.
He lets go of my hand and leaves me to it. Kneeling behind me, he scoots my legs farther apart before slamming into me. He grabs my hips and commands, “Move, Keelie. Fuck yourself as hard as you want it.”
He knows I like it hard. Putting my other arm out for leverage, I move, pushing back on him as best I can before I come.
My breath shallows and as the heat builds, I rock harder.
He gives my ass a squeeze. “There you go, baby. Nothing better than looking down and seeing your sweet pussy fuck my cock. Almost as beautiful as you.”
I start to moan and his grip tightens.
“Not yet,” he breathes.
This makes me move faster, his cock hitting that magic spot inside, creating tingles and heat and want. I won’t be able to stop it—my out of body experience will hit me soon. I need it. My hand moves faster on my clit and he takes over, pumping into me with all his muscled strength.
Just like I thought, I come without warning and Asa grips my hips, pushing my orgasm further. I have to press my face into the mattress to quiet my moans.
Asa slams into me one last time and I hear his rumbled growl as he falls forward giving me his weight. He doesn’t pull out, but presses into me one last time and stays there.
“Never again,” he breathes into my ear, but it comes out as a warning. “You understand?”
I nod, thankful he was patient, but even more thankful he was persistent. Him giving me both was the gift I needed.
After I get cleaned up and throw on my t-shirt, I slide back into bed next to Asa who’s still naked. But tonight, I move to him where he welcomes me. A place I never want to leave.
I’m about to doze off faster than I have in the last week when I feel his lips at my ear. “Love you, baby.”
I sink into him farther and nod, my head becoming hazy with sleep.
The last thing I remember is him saying, “I’ll remind you every day so you don’t ever question it.”
And for the first time in I can’t remember how long, my world balances.