Saturday, October 20
(Scout)
"Remember when we met and you hated me?" he asks. It's dark outside, and we're sitting on a chaise lounge on the deck of our new place. I'm settled comfortably between his legs with my back resting against his chest. We're eating saltines and peanut butter and drinking grape juice.
"I didn't hate you. I just didn't really like anyone back then. It was nothing personal. I didn't know what good men were like."
"We've come a long way, Girl Scout." He's reminiscing. Gus is a deep guy. He thinks through everything with his heart.
"We have." That's an understatement. "I'm a completely different person thanks to you."
"Do you ever step back from your life and ask, How in the hell did I get here? How did I get so lucky?"
I rub his thigh with my palm. "Every minute of every day, babe. I never dreamt I'd have someone like you to love. Who'd love me back."
"Scout?" He kisses the back of my head. It's a loving gesture that I feel all the way down to my toes.
"Yeah?"
"I want to make babies with you. Lots of them. Do you want kids?" The sincerity in his voice just made my heart clench in the best way possible. "I mean, I know you lost a baby and I can't imagine how hard that was for you. I don't want to put any pressure on you; I just want you to be honest with me. Would you be willing to try again? With me?"
There are tears in my eyes. And not because I'm thinking about the past ... but because I'm thinking about the future. A future with him. A family with him. I can see it and it's the most perfect life I could imagine. I turn and shift in his embrace so I can look in his eyes.
He reaches up and wipes the tears that are trailing down my cheeks. "Don't cry, sweetheart. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry."
I smile at the sweetness of this man. "I'm not crying because I'm sad, Gus. I'm crying because I was just wondering how in the hell I got here ... with you. How did I get so lucky?"
He smiles. "You're my everything, Scout. Everything. I love you with everything that I am. Everything I'll ever be. You're my future, sweetheart."
And the tears continue to fall. "You're my everything, too. You took a broken, scared little girl and turned her into someone I didn't even know I could be. I can't thank you enough. And my love for you? God, it's never-ending, babe. I will love you until the day I die."
He's smiling again. "Does that mean we get to make babies?" He rubs my stomach with his hand. "I want this belly swollen with my little one."
I nod and I'm so emotional I can hardly speak. Having a child with him would make me so happy. Complete. "Yes."
"I'm throwing your pills away when we go inside."
I turn and settle back into to my special spot against his chest. "Okay. Does this mean we're going to have sex a lot?"
He squeezes me. "You better believe it. Morning, noon, and night. You should probably just stop wearing panties altogether. I'll join you in your underwear boycott. Maybe tell Ma you're going on sabbatical and take some time off and we'll just give up clothes entirely and walk around naked until you're prego?"
"I don't think Audrey would give me time off to get knocked up."
He laughs his deep belly laugh. "If she knew she'd get a grandkid out of the deal, hell yes she would. You've seen her with Stella. She's the ultimate G-Ma."
I laugh with him, because he's right. Gus's child would be the most loved grandchild in the history of grandchildren.
We watch the waves come in under the moonlight for several minutes. It's quiet. All I hear is the water crashing against the shore.
"There's something else." His voice has softened. The excitement is gone and all that's left is reverence and adoration.
"Yeah?" I ask. The emotion in his voice has my heart beating double time.
"Will you really love me forever?" He knows I will. He's nuzzling my neck just below my ear with the scruff on his chin.
"And ever," I answer.
His lips press against my neck once before they brush my earlobe. "I want you to be Mrs. Hawthorne."
I turn quickly and straddle his lap, because I know I didn't hear that right. My hands are trembling when I take his face in my hands. "Can you repeat that?" My eyes are stinging again. "My hearing is really bad."
He smiles at me, it's affirming. And then he repeats loudly, "I'm asking you to marry me. I want you to be Mrs. Girl Scout Hawthorne."
I can't hide the bliss that is sweeping through my body. I'm smiling so huge my cheeks already hurt. "You want to marry me?"
He nods and his face looks serious. Impassioned. "Will you marry me, sweetheart?"
(Gus)
She's smiling and crying and nodding all at the same time. It's a full body nod that says without-a-doubt yes. "Yes. Yes. Yes, I will marry you."
And I feel it. I'm at peace. If I died right this second, my life would be complete. I won't die of course, which is the best part. I get to live this, for how long I have no idea, but I'm going to live and love the hell out of it.
I kiss her.
It's a promise.
Which leads to sex. Right there on the chaise lounge. On our deck.
It's also a promise.
Scout is already asleep, so I grab the stack of sticky notes and marker we keep on the bathroom counter and I write her a note and stick it to the mirror so she'll see it when she wakes up in the morning. San Diego, baby making, engaged, I love you forever, deck sex just became my new favorite.
I'm at the tipping point of a transformation that began months ago, an intentional decision put in motion. And it feels so fucking good. I've come to the full realization that my happiness, my life, falls squarely on my shoulders. No one's gonna do it for it me. I'm the one who makes it or breaks it.
It's a choice.
A choice that demands action in exchange for reward. Idleness and complacency lead to mediocrity. Sometimes action is really fucking hard fought, but that's when the payoff's the highest.
That's when great things happen.
Not good things ... but epic things.
And I've fallen in love with epic.
It's the only way to live.