Chapter One

Kayla

“I miss you,” I whisper to the home I grew up in. It’s here that I learned to ride a bike and other childhood milestones. It holds all the beautiful moments that taught me who I was and how to love. But now, it’s a symbol of what I lost.

I peer over the two-story home, with green shutters that my parents let me help paint when I was just six, my eyes traveling over the years of wear and tear that made my house a home. I feel the tears stinging my eyes, burning to find an escape, and they nearly do when I look down at the cement of our walkway to the front porch. There I see my tiny handprints between my mother and father’s, with Mackey Family, Best Friends Forever written permanently below it.

“Mama. Papa.” I bring my hand to my heart, and a montage of memories flood my brain, ending with the day they both passed on. That accident tragically took them away, and now I stand alone on the cusp of a new beginning, wishing so badly they were atop those stairs, waving me off with air-blown kisses and beaming smiles.

“They’re here and they are so proud,” my cousin Kate interrupts my nostalgic memories that aid my broken heart.

Her blonde hair and blue eyes are a contrast from my long brown hair, ending just above my butt, and green eyes with flecks of brown and gold. I give her a meek smile and peer back up. Today, just shy of two years after I lost my parents, I’m leaving the home, where I took time to mourn and lose myself in missing them, to go off to college in Tennessee.

“You think?” I gnaw at the inside of my cheek and do my damnedest to hold off the tears that are really trying to make their pesky way out. I don’t like seeming weak, when it’s a time I should be happy and strong to most people, over the loss of my parents. But that will never happen. I died inside the night they did. I lost me when I lost them.

College is me following through on my promise to them, but it’s now more of an escape, in hopes that I find something to just make me feel again. God, I want to feel again.

“You better believe it, Kayla bug,” she assures, giving me a tight squeeze into her side.

“Hey, y’all ready? We gotta hit the road if we are gonna make it there by tomorrow!” Sadie, Kate’s best friend, hollers from the giant SUV we rented with a small U-Haul attached. We have a long way from my home in Portland to my new apartment in Tennessee. But to say I’m ready to leave behind my home for just a little while—because I didn’t sell it—would be a lie. I need a fresh start and new perspective, but it still stings like a bee.

“Come on, bug. It’s time for a new start, right?” Kate prompts.

I nod, looking at her just as she brings her forehead to mine, and we share a genuine understanding smile. “Right.” And just like that, she leaves me and I look up one more time.

“I’ll see you soon. Bye, Mama and Papa.”

I make it to the car, and with a heavy heart, I watch my old life in the rearview mirror as I say a silent prayer that my new life will reawaken the old me. The one who used to laugh hard and love even louder. The one who could stay up all night laughing and baking with her mama, and hang with my papa and all the boys. The one who wasn’t always lost and looking.

Before they passed, I was always the life of the party, and that came with being an only child. My parents and I spent all our time together, and we all had vivacious personalities that others would cling to. Now, with the exception of Kate and Sadie, my friends started calling less and less, and my life became emptier and emptier.

We all stay silent for a bit, and I know the two of them are letting me simply feel. Sadie—she is the most religious out of all of us, and I know she is probably saying a million prayers a minute in her mind as I sit in the back seat, trying to pick which side of the tug-of-war my heart and brain are playing that I should be on.

Kate and Sadie left behind their rock star lovers to help me move this weekend, and for that, I’m thankful. Because even if inside I’m good at hiding I’m a wreck of emotions, I still couldn’t have made this trip alone. Sadie’s dominating, obsessive, and strikingly handsome husband is a saint for letting her come, when he usually can’t spend a moment away from her. And Kate’s boyfriend is probably too high on drugs to even know she is gone. Guess we all have something we are struggling with, and maybe we can find an escape on this trip.

Here’s to wishful thinking.

“Y’all, I think we need to have some road trippin’ car karaoke!” Sadie breaks up the heavy, and I actually laugh at her sweet southern voice matched with enthusiasm.

“You’re on, but if I win, then you get to let me prank call Ben and tease him by telling him you keep getting hit on by random drivers passing by. I always like making that alpha moody!” I chuckle and it feels good. Kate hears it and shoots me a wink, while Sadie just rolls her eyes and turns up the volume.

“Fine! Game on.” Then the loud sounds of a Maroon 5 song fill the car, and they start belting it out, lightening the mood and distracting me like I need.