41
Looking for Nessie
“Seriously Pip, you thought this was a good place to have our crisis meeting?” Sophia complained as we all swayed back and forth on the deck of the boat we were now all stood on.
“What did you expect, you did say she could pick the place?” I told her and in doing so pretty much telling her silently ‘I told you so’.
After waking that morning to Draven’s baby brain and ginger biscuits, one that deliciously turned into us making love, I was quickly informed that the girls were stealing me away for the day. At first Draven had been reluctant to let me go but with one scowl from his sister and a snapped,
“I think it’s the least you could do!” had him relenting pretty quickly. Then he picked up the baby book from where I had kicked it to the floor during sex and he came to kiss me briefly on the lips, telling me,
“Well, it was her turn,” Sophia said in response to my argument.
“Damn straight it was and think yourselves lucky as it was this or fetish night at the Torture Gardens,” Pip said as she, for some unknown reason, concentrated on looking over the edge of the boat.
“What the hell is the Torture Gardens!?” I screeched making Pip look back over her shoulder at me, as she was bent over and showing me her pert little ass, that was covered in a lycra catsuit. The wink she gave me was as naughty as they came, and had it not come from someone that look so darn cute, then I would have shivered.
She was currently wearing an all in one body suit that, the second I saw her, she informed me was actually called a ‘snuggle suit’ and she did this when hugging herself. It was mainly in shades of blue and covered in flying unicorn ponies and clouds of lightning bolts and strangely, eyeballs with wings.
To this she had added a bright pink leather jacket that had the sleeves cut off and was biker style. Its collar was covered in spiked studs and the rest of it was covered in every type of patch and pin badge you could think of. From bands she liked, her favourite swearwords, movies quotes, to fluffy little clouds and unicorns pooing out rainbow curly turds. Oh, and then the biggest patch of all saying, ‘My Bad, fuckers, I’m a Boobateer!’ which was on her back, displayed proudly in a cartoon speech bubble. To this she’d added a pair of steel toe capped cowboy boots covered with pink flames, complete with pink spurs.
But getting back to my question about the Torture Gardens, which only one word out of that name did I like, and it certainly wasn’t the first one!
“You don’t want to know,” Sophia replied instead of Pip, who just started laughing. After this it didn’t take a genius to link fetish with the pain in the title, when the place was called the Torture Gardens. Which meant my best guess was that it was the name of a BDSM club. So, in that case then yes, I did consider myself lucky to be on a boat on Loch Ness, instead of watching Pip swinging a whip in poor Adam’s direction.
But speaking of our usual male entourage, they had of course escorted us here, but that was about as far as they were willing to go, seeing as Adam didn’t like boats, as in one little bit. But even more surprising was to hear how Zagan wasn’t fond of the water either and in fact, in all his years, he had never even learned how to swim. So that only left Ragnar, our resident Viking, who obviously didn’t have a problem with boats, water or swimming in it, as he had it ingrained in his DNA. But one hand to his chest from Sophia was all it took to prevent him from stepping on the boat back at the dock. She only needed to say one thing to explain her actions,
“Girl time.” This had been enough to get him to relent from bodyguard duties and give in to Sophia’s demands.
“Well, I think Dom would have given birth to Harpies if he had known you were taking his pregnant wife to a sex club, as that’s not exactly the girly day out he had in mind,” Sophia said on a laugh.
“Yeah right! Like I was ever scuba’cidal enough to take her there!” Pip said chuckling.
“Scuba’cidal?” I asked because I knew if I didn’t it would plague me for the rest of the day.
“Suicidal,” Sophia answered quickly, before then asking her own question, one slightly more important than mine.
“So, this was the plan all along?”
“But of course, they don’t have what I need in a sex club…which if you ask me is a crying shame,” she said shaking her head like this was indeed a travesty. Meanwhile, me and Sophia were a lot less stuck on the ‘sex club crying shame’ and more on the ‘what the hell is she up to now?’ bit.
“Besides, it gives me a chance to see Nessie,” Pip said as she continued to dangle a sandwich bag full of lucky charms over the side of the boat, as if this would help in luring the mythical creature to her.
I was about to say something along the lines of ‘surely Nessie isn’t real’ or ‘I don’t think that’s gonna work, Pip’, when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked to Sophia to see her giving me a little shake of her head, so I took her advice and let it go.
“So, you do have a plan…right?” Sophia asked instead of my Nessie comment. Meanwhile, I zipped up my navy waterproof jacket, trying to fight off the cold chill the movement of the boat created.
“Yeah, ‘cause we kinda need to be informed if you do, seeing as I kind of have an important part to play in it! So, no offense Pip, but what the hell is this plan?” I asked as I took a seat on the slatted wooden bench that was positioned in the middle for the tourists to enjoy the view…or the kids to Nessie watch, like Pip.
“Hell being the right word there, Captain Tootie no beard,” Pip said with a grin and a pop of her blue bubblegum. Sophia sat down next to me after first inspecting the bench making sure it was clean. I smirked to myself knowing of her strange aversion to dirt or germs.
She then flicked out her expensive designer jacket that was a light grey shade and was in a poncho style with bat sleeves and a black leather belt. Skinny jeans and knee high grey boots completed the look.
As for me, I was the only one that looked dressed for the trip, being the practical one without even knowing it. Light blue jeans that were frayed a little around the bottom from being that little bit too long for me. Underneath my jacket I had on a thin red cotton sweater that had a black Aztec design on the sleeves. To this I’d added a blue and red tartan scarf, one Draven had bought me when we went to spend the day in Edinburgh. And now I was currently tapping one of my converse skull shoes against the leg of the bench as I waited for the conversation to kick start into a faster gear. That being the gear that would shed light onto what I was hoping would be known as …then one named ‘how to achieve this in ten easy steps’!
Yeah that would have been nice, something easy for once.
Okay, so granted ‘Operation kick Draven’s demon’s butt and save my pregnant ass from becoming a slave in Hell’ was a long-winded code name for a mission, but I could work on it later…what I couldn’t do later on however, was talk about this with the girls and form a plan in front of, well, anyone. Which was why I was getting impatient and which was hence why the shoe tapping began.
But in the end, after the ‘Tootie no beard’ comment, all she said was,
“Patience my twisted knicker sisters, all shall be revealed in good time.” This didn’t bode well for good things ahead, I knew this but other than just sit there and wait, what else could I do? She said she had a plan and I had to trust that she knew what she was doing. As scary as that was with someone like Pip, sometimes, she really knew how to deliver the outcome you were hoping for.
“I take it that last night ended more smoothly than it began?” Sophia asked making me smile, one she also took as my answer.
“And this is definitely something you think is going to get worse?”
“How could it not, I mean, this is me we are talking about,” I replied, and Pip shook her cereal bag at me and said,
“She makes a fishy good point.” Sophia rolled her eyes before coming back to the ‘fishy good point’ at hand.
“So, the only clue you have to all of this is your birthmark?”
“Yeah, I mean Draven seems to think that someone else is behind it all, which reminds me, he had someone hiding behind a screen during the banquet, they were wearing a cloak, so I couldn’t see who it was, and he didn’t tell me who…did either of you guys know?” I asked hoping they would, but with a shrug of Sophia’s shoulders and a confused Pip biting at her lip ring, I would say that was a big fat no from them also.
“Well, someone must know…oh wait, what about Ragnar? He was the one who seemed to be guarding whoever it was,” I said looking back to where we had boarded the small boat as if we would see them all still standing there.
“Ha, you really think he would break that easily after my brother had issued his orders?” Sophia asked looking from me to Pip and back again. Pip just grinned and I followed suit when in the end all three of us nodded and said in unison,
“Yeah”.
“We can totally break him, especially Tootie ‘miss favourite Viking’ pants over there, besides, she is with child now, you know how they won’t be able to resist doing something she asks…hey, can you cry on demand?” Pip asked, still refusing to give up her search for Nessie, as she still shook her bag over the side.
“No, and I don’t know anyone that can do that.”
“Uh, yeah you do,” she replied before slapping her ass and saying,
“You’re looking at her skilful little ass right now….what? I only do it when Adam won’t give me what I want, it’s no biggy…Jeez, and this look coming from a fecking demon bad ass… like you never did it with Mr hot and pale commander of Hell’s Legions, Miss Prissy Pants.” Once Pip was finished she tried folding both her arms across her chest but realised the flaw in this was then having to give up her fishing for a sea monster. So instead, she decided to go for the usual, hand on cocked out hip look.
“I never cry in front of Zagan!” Sophia screeched out in annoyance.
“Oh no, well what about when Dom was being a dicky Dom and forbade you to see our Kazzy Toot brain, Uh?” Pip said reminding her and my head shot round to Sophia’s to see her trying to drill a hole through Pip’s forehead with none existent laser eyes.
“You cried?!” I asked making her turn her scowl from Pip’s satisfied, cocky know it all expression.
“Of course I cried, it was like losing a sister,” she finally admitted, and I threw my arms around her for a hug.
“I felt the same way,” I told her softly making her body relax into my hold on her.
“No fair, I wanna get in on the mushy crap!” Pip complained making me laugh and Sophia groan.
“Yeah well, taggly tale tellers don’t get to do the mushy crap…did I say that right?” Sophia said first to Pip and then to me.
“Close enough,” I replied with a smirk.
“The hell they don’t! Move over bitches, this ‘I’m so cute I could die’ snuggle suit is coming over, Nessie hunt be damned!” Pip said putting down her lucky charms on the side and running over to us to ‘get in on the action’ as after all, she was a sucker for a girl hug.
“So cute I could die snuggle suit?” I had to ask.
“It’s the name of my body suit, isn’t it fabulous? Ugh, just look at those scarily cute little pegacorns prancing all over the place. They just KILL me. Not to mention all the stormy clouds disgusting. It's so cute, I think I'm going to DIE!” she replied making me and Sophia frown at each other in question, as even for Pip standards it didn’t make much sense.
“What, it’s what it says on the Black Milk description on their website, that and it’s lined with fleece, see, so snuggly,” Pip said unzipping it down the front and pulling it to one side, exposing one of her little naked breasts as she did so. I turned my head away and said,
“Whoa there, Pip, we believe you, now put the Tatas away.”
“Jeez, woman don’t you ever wear a bra?” Sophia asked, tucking back a stray curl from her twisted bun in a less awkward way than me openly averting my eyes.
“Oh, come on, it’s only a boobie, and besides I am wearing a bra, see…” she said pointing to her nipples.
“That’s not a bra Squeak, that’s just a couple of kid’s band aids,” Sophia replied sounding as though she was dealing with a three-year-old that wanted to go to the supermarket dressed as a superhero.
“Yeah, but it totally counts as I have my nipples covered.” I shot her boob a brief look to see that yes, she did have her nipples covered with superhero plasters that crossed over making an X shape.
“This one is DC, but the other one and my favourite nipple, is Marvel,” she told us proudly.
“You have a favourite nipple?” I couldn’t help but ask.
“Yeah, doesn’t everyone?”
“Nope.”
“No, not really.” Me and Sophia both answered making Pip shrug her shoulders and make a ‘Huh’ noise.
“I have one other Pip induced question,” I said as she finally zipped up her all in one suit.
“Fire at Will…Poor Will, he’s always getting shot at and pistols at Dawn, what did she ever do?” I ignored this and pressed forward to fire at Will.
“Okay, so leaving poor Will and Dawn out of this, what is a pegacorn?” I asked as my brain was still stuck on what she had said earlier about her ‘snuggle suit’.
“Well, I think it’s when Pegasus and a Unicorn have a love child…that or it’s just a pregnant Unicorn, I haven’t decided yet.”
“Oookay right, well now that’s all settled, and the important stuff is clearly out of the way, can we move on to the problem at hand?” Sophia said sarcastically. Pip just stuck her tongue out at her showing us her candy stripe balls attached to either side of the bar.
“Sure thing, boss a’wooney, so when do you want me to start trying to find my wizardry pokery?” she asked making me quickly wonder if I had missed something vital here, as I know I was prone to day dreaming and getting lost in my own thoughts. But I was sure I would have noticed a conversation with the words ‘And that will solve all your problems’.
“So, you definitely have a plan?” Sophia beat me to this question, and in doing so unknowingly answered one unspoken, as it was clear she didn’t know either.
“Yeah, of course I have a plan, what do you think we are doing on this damn boat?” Pip told us on a chuckle.
“Uh…looking for the Loch Ness monster?” I said, now well and truly confused. However, the second I said it I knew I had made a mistake at some point along the way. Because now Sophia had covered her face and groaned into her hand before I saw Pip’s green eyes flash in anger. Then, just before she started to blow, I noticed the deep sway of the boat before the bag of lucky charms slipped off the side and into the water.
“She is not a monster!” she declared, crying out and stomping her foot.
“She is just misunderstood and no wonder she doesn’t like humans…” she carried on with her rant.
“Uh Pip…” I murmured trying to interrupt her the second I saw that there was a commotion in the water next to the side of the boat, but she wasn’t listening.
“I mean, she was here first! Yes, woopydo one thousand four hundred years ago and the first human spots her because she had a cold and can’t disguise herself during a sneeze and…”
“Okay seriously Pip, I think you need to see this,” I tried again but Pip was still too deep in her own rant to notice that now the boat had started to tip slightly as if something was pulling it down on one side. I even held on to the bench but seeing as Pip was already leaning casually against the cross bar that held up the canopy above us, she obviously couldn’t feel the boat tipping.
“And then they go on to say that she isn’t even real and it’s impossible for her to hide so long, but excuse me Mr Nelly Nessie misbelievers…”
“Yeah, not hiding anymore here, Pip,” Sophia said as things on the boat suddenly start to slide and we could hear the captain behind the wheel cursing like a…well like a sailor.
“As if you will find her…the lock is around seven hundred and fifty feet deep and holds more water than in all of the lakes and rivers of England and Wales combined…but oh no, nowhere for her to hide…”
“PIP!”
“SQEAK!” Sophia, and I both screamed at the same time as the second massive splash of water came over the side, just as she said,
“What…oh?” This ‘oh’ ended up finishing as water hit her and us, making us all scream this time as we got soaked.
“I don’t ken what’s wrong, we mist be caught oan something, haud oan!” The Captain shouted from the front of the ship, one it was sounding as if was getting harder and harder to control.
“I think we are going to have to take over this. Pip, you try to control your…pet thingy and I will knock out our human witness,” Sophia said after throwing her now wet hair back from her face and taking charge. I can’t say I was thrilled at the idea of her knocking out anyone, let alone the poor guy that was only trying to make a living by bringing tourists out on his boat for a relaxing hour on the Loch. Well, I bet he will regret the day he let us unsuspecting delinquents on board, that’s for damn sure!
“Oh dear, I think she’s… having a… sugar rush…usually I only… give her a few at… at a time!” Pip shouted having to keep pausing every time the boat rocked violently. Meanwhile, I was holding on to the rail for dear life, telling myself that from now on Pip was NEVER allowed to pick our days out!
“That’s the captain sort…Holy Mother of Gods!” Sophia started to say before screaming the end of her sentence in shock. I turned just in time to see what looked like a giant sea monster rising up over the side of the boat. It had a huge rounded head with a strange flat, wide mouth, with long whiskers. It’s body, from what I could see of it, was shaped like a whale only its fins were much longer and thinner, like tentacles of a giant octopus.
A row of spiked scales ran down the centre of its back in a zigzag formation with higher, sharper spikes at the centre points that were tinged blue. But everything else was a shimmering light grey that made its thick skin seem almost translucent…oh and it looked to be the size of a bus!
I was just about to scream, when Pip turned her head and stuck a finger over her mouth,
“Ssshh, you will scare her.” My mouth was still open from the scream I still had at the ready and I turned to Sophia and whispered,
“How can we scare that!?” Then I heard a mooing sound and turned around to find Pip was now communicating with the large beast by sounding like a farmyard animal. To be honest, the more you looked at it, the less intimidating it looked, ‘cos if it wasn’t for the sheer size of the thing, you would actually have said it was quite cute.
“It looks like a gigantic sea cow,” I muttered in disbelief.
“Yeah it is, or at least what they would have looked like in the Jurassic age,” Sophia told me trying to also keep her voice down.
“But how? Why?”
“Think demonic interference as opposed to natural occurrence and you will have your why and how,” she answered, speaking side on and like me, not taking her eyes off the creature.
“Gottcha,” I replied as I watched Pip reaching out her hand to try and tame the startled beast.
“Hey babydolly, mummy missed you, yes I did, come here Moomoo and give mummy a kiss,” Pip cooed as the creature lowered its head obviously taken with her.
“Uhh, is that wise Pip?” I asked a little louder this time making it snort out a load of what looked like snot, as it bristled its whiskers, that now had been decorated with strings of slimy mucus. Okay, so the thing might have been cute before that happened and the same went for Pip who was now covered in the stuff too.
“It was until you said that!” she snapped wiping the sticky clear liquid, that really resembled dog drool, from her face.
“What did I do?” I whispered this time just to be on the safe side.
“Uhuh, beats me,” Sophia replied reverting back to a whisper and obviously like me standing on the cautious side of things.
“Look, she is skittish okay, and she doesn’t trust new people…it’s okay, see, they are friends, just ignore the blonde that doubted you, I mean she doesn’t even have a dog,” Pip said throwing an arm back my way and waving at me.
“Hey…I like dogs,” I argued making Pip scowl at me once more telling me to,
“Ssshh,” before giving her attention back to the pale beast who started to shudder making its shimmering skin ripple like skipping stones along the still water.
“So, is this what you had in mind when letting Pip pick our girly day?” I asked leaning closer into Sophia so as not to spook the creature. She gave a me a sideways glance that said it all…regret and never again.
“I would just be thankful the boat is no longer rocking,” she told me and yes, there was that silver lining I thought wryly. Or at least there had been a silver lining, one that was soon blown out the sky the second Sophia’s phone started to ring. Pip hung her head in what was another ‘Oh shit’ moment and Sophia started trying to fumble in her jacket to reach her phone to stop it ringing.
But it was too late, the creature started thrashing violently in the water in distress making the boat thrash right alongside it. I grabbed onto the pole just as I was thrown sideways and then swiftly back, only just stopping myself in time from landing on my backside.
“Oh…uh, yeah…Hi Dom,” Sophia said shrugging her shoulders when I shot her a look of disbelief. She mouthed the words ‘I didn’t mean to answer it!’. Then she gave me a pained look and said,
“Oh that, no, no it’s just…um, just a…” she paused and looked at me rolling her hand around telling me to think of something quickly. I gave her my own panicked look when Pip once again came to the rescue, although technically the problems she solved were usually ones created by herself.
“We are watching Jaws!” she shouted suddenly, just as there was another massive splash making us all hold on as the wave rocked the ship even further to the side and back again.
“Yes, yes, Jaws, we are watching Jaws…well, it’s the surround sound that’s why…anyway will ring you back when I can…no she is fine, no, you can’t talk to her she is in the…” Sophia had to pause as the creature cried out, sounding like a cow giving birth surrounded by microphones and then pumped through a stack of concert speakers.
“IN THE TOILET!” Sophia shouted this last part after Pip crouched low and squatted, obviously giving Sophia her answer and this being the obvious reply to the question, ‘Where is my wife?’.
Finally, the creature started to go back under the water after Pip’s cooing was obviously not working enough against the sound of a which, surprisingly, was Sophia’s ring tone.
“What was that noise…?” Sophia repeated looking to us both separately as it became obvious she had no idea what the movie Jaws was even about and thus became the flaw in Pip’s plan. So, knowing there was little else we could do, we found ourselves both forced to play the strangest game of charades in history. And talk about it being played at an advanced stage, this was more like ‘Hard core, extreme, life and death level’.
Pip started it off by pretending that her arms out in front of her was a shark’s mouth, but I got this straight away because I knew what Jaws was, being that I lived in the world and all.
However, what Sophia got from this was the totally opposite.
“Just Hitler on screen…no you’re right, that doesn’t exactly fit the name,” Sophia agreed, saying this last part through gritted teeth at the same time Pip slapped a hand to her forehead and shook it. Meanwhile, I just started shaking my head at her before doing my own impression. I formed my hand as if I was about to karate chop someone then placed it on top of my head hoping it looked like the fin of a shark. Then I wiggled around like I was lurking in some imaginary water.
“Well, I don’t know there are other things involved, like there is a chicken…” she said, and my mouth and arms dropped.
‘Chicken?’ I mouthed at her in disbelief making her mouth back,
‘I panicked’. I then groaned and prompted her to carry on and try and salvage the damage.
“No, no, not a chicken… I mean a Monster, yeah one with sharp teeth…” she improvised after Pip decided on a new method when making teeth with her fingers, this done by using both hands cupped together by her mouth. Of course, after she said monster, then Pip just threw up her hands dramatically and muttered,
“That’s it, I quit.”
“Uh yeah, that is probably why it’s called Jaws although you’re right, not sure why there are Nazis in it,” Sophia said faking interest and now getting the fact that she wasn’t very good at this game.
“Anyway, we’d better…No, Dom, she is pregnant, and pees a lot. Okay, yep, will do…yep I will get her to…” she started to end the call and unbelievably we might have been scot free, but it was in this moment when we realised we hadn’t heard the last of ‘Moomoo’, aka Nessie, the Loch Ness monster. The creature must have knocked hard against the side of the boat as it fled which in turn meant the mobile phone was tossed from Sophia’s hand and was currently sliding towards the edge. I could even hear Draven shouting her name as it passed me, but instead of being able to grab it in time, I missed it by an inch before it fell into the water.
“Oh shit!” I said as I looked back at the other two who were still hanging on to the boat like I was.
“Seriously, you need to watch a fucking movie, dude!” Pip said ignoring the fact that we were on a boat, one that felt as if it was going to sink any second and we had just lost the phone. A phone, I might add, that now had my extremely panicked husband on the other end, asking himself what the hell just happened.
“And you need to stop changing my ring tone to anything with a fucking Angel, Heaven or Halo in it!” Sophia snapped back, and my mouth dropped open at the fact that we were in our current situation and yet these two were focusing on movies and ringtones.
“Seriously guys, can we like do this later…? I don’t know, maybe when the boat isn’t…!” In the end I never got to finish this sentence as Nessie hadn’t yet finished with us, as this time the boat tipped so far, there was nowhere else for us to go but into the water.
And into the water we went with one song playing through my head and it wasn’t Beyoncé’s Halo.
It was…
The Jaws theme song.