“Lilliana!” Maddox’s deep voice rang out from behind her as she sat on a quilt next to a pond that used to be black with bubbling tar. Now it was crystal clear and full of fish, and it was her favorite place to come with a romance novel and an iced tea once or twice a week. “Lilliana!”
She liked Maddox, even if he was a cocky jerk sometimes, and while he was excitable, he wasn’t one to panic, so the alarm in his voice raised the hair on the back of her neck. Putting down her book, she twisted around to see him and Rico jogging toward her. Rico hung back a little, which was wise. It had been three months since he’d called her “Azagoth’s whore,” and she was still a bit raw.
But then, his face, where she’d slapped him, probably was too.
“What is it?”
Maddox skidded to a halt. “It’s Azagoth. There was a Memitim Council member in his office with him. He just left and Azagoth is...not happy.”
“Dammit,” she breathed. “Okay, thanks. Where is he? Still in his office?”
“Library.”
Her gut twisted. He loved the library. It was his place of comfort and one of two places—including the bedroom—where they had agreed there would be no anger. So why would he go there if he was upset? Something was wrong. Very, very wrong.
“Thank you.” She came to her feet and flashed herself into the hallway outside the library.
Fully materialized, she coughed at the smoke filling the halls, streaming in tendrils from the scorched floors and walls. She didn’t need to follow the blackened trail of Azagoth’s fury to know it led from his office. He’d stormed from there to here, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to see what was on the other side of the door.
Just knock. If he doesn’t answer, hey, I tried.
She hated that she was willing to opt for avoidance rather than confrontation, but damn, his moods lately had been unlike anything she’d ever seen. Always before, she could ease him down off any ledge, but now it seemed like she only made things worse. She didn’t know what to do, or who to talk to. Cat was a wonderful listener, but the fallen angel didn’t have a lot of experience with relationships, and she and Hades had never even had a serious fight.
No, Lilliana was very alone in this.
Inhaling deeply, she rapped softly on the door.
No response.
Whew.
Feeling both guilty and relieved, she turned away, but froze when Azagoth’s voice rumbled through the thick door.
“What?”
“Nothing,” she called out. “I’ll come back later.”
He didn’t say anything. What the hell? She should walk away, happy to escape, but dammit, his silence stung. Annoyed, she opened the door and stepped inside.
“Azagoth?” He was hovered over the miniature viewing stone she’d given him to keep an eye on his adult Memitim children who didn’t live in Sheoul-gra. “Is everything okay? What’s going on?”
He made a sound, something she imagined an angry bull might make. “They aren’t going to give me my children.” His big body shuddered, and her heart broke for him.
“Oh, darling, I’m so sorry.” She reached for him, but he spun around to her, flames filling his eye sockets with so much heat she leaped backwards.
“This,” he rumbled, “is your fault.”
Stunned and confused by the accusation, she took another step back. “What are you talking about?”
“You made me soft.” He grabbed his chest, right over his heart, his fingers digging in so fiercely his knuckles were white. “You made me feel.”
She blinked. “Are you serious? The Memitim Council rejects your request and you’re mad at me?”
“I wouldn’t care about any of this if it weren’t for you,” he growled.
Her hurt veered sharply to annoyance at being blamed for such...stupidity. “Oh, well, gee,” she snapped. “I’m so sorry I made you into a better person.”
He swept his arm across his desk, knocking papers, pens, and books everywhere. He’d done that before, but he’d done it so they could have sex on the desk. Somehow she doubted they were going to be getting naked anytime soon.
“I’m not a better person!” His lips peeled back to reveal fangs he’d used on her to make her scream in pleasure but which now sliced down like weapons. “I’m distracted and angry. I can’t stop thinking about how my children grew up. I hate it. I hate what I’ve become.”
“I hate what you’ve become too,” she said, practically choking on her words. They both hated what he’d become, but for different reasons. “But we can fix it.”
He laughed, an ugly, cruel sound that made her cringe. “I’ve tried. Don’t you think I’ve tried? Want to know how many hours I’ve logged in the Inner Sanctum? Want to know how much malevolence I’ve exposed myself to, the things I’ve done? Fuck, even Hades is useless.”
Her mouth went so dry her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth. She’d known he was angry, but she hadn’t known he was angry at her, or that he was unhappy. Or that he’d been jonesing for some good old fashioned depravity.
“So that’s it? You’d rather go back to how you were before I met you? Cold and emotionless? Evil?”
“It was easier!” he shouted.
“I see.” She licked her lips, but it was like licking sandpaper with pumice. “Well, I hate to tell you this, but love is hard. Relationships are work. Anything that’s worthwhile is.”
“Yeah?” His rumbling laughter filled the room and sent chills across her skin. “That’s all you’ve got? A lecture?”
So stubborn. “I’ve got love, Azagoth.”
He snorted dismissively, and it was like a blow to the heart. “That’s what got me into this mess.”
Her sucker-punched heart squeezed painfully, and tears stung her eyes. They’d been through so much, and she’d been so patient with him. She knew his life wasn’t an easy one and that he constantly struggled with the evil that surrounded him, and she could allow him a lot of leeway.
But she didn’t deserve this.
“Fuck you,” she rasped as she spun toward the door.
She wanted to rail at him, to hurt him the way he’d hurt her, but she didn’t have the words or the breath. Anything more complex than telling him to get intimate with himself would make her break down into a sobbing mess.
She stumbled over her own feet as she flung herself out of the library, her watery, blurry eyes not helping anything at all.
“Wait! Lilliana, wait.” Azagoth caught her by the arm and spun her around. “I’m sorry.”
She jerked out of his grip. “I don’t care. You don’t get to say you regret loving me and then wipe it all away with two words.”
“I didn’t say I regret loving you.”
“Semantics. Don’t play that bullshit.”
“I spent thousands of years being unable to feel, being unable to connect to anyone, and now I have all these children I want to know, but...” He jammed his hand through his hair so viciously she expected him to come away with tufts between his fingers. “Sometimes emotions overwhelm me and I don’t know how to handle them. Yes, for a few moments I wanted to get rid of the pain. I just wanted to breathe for a second. But I’ve never once wanted to get rid of you. Please,” he begged, falling to his knees in front of her. “I don’t know how to do this.”
Now she was the one growing soft. Seeing her big, powerful mate brought to his knees by grief tore her apart.
“You do what you did with me,” she said gently. “You let your children in.”
“But the guilt—”
She went to her knees in front of him, tears rolling down her cheeks now. “What’s done is done. But look at the progress you’ve made. Look at what you’re doing for your children now.”
He snorted. “Yeah. Look what I’m doing to them. I sent Hawkyn away. I treated Idess and Mace like strangers. I want my young ones here and it pisses me off that the Council won’t allow it, and yet, I’m a little relieved.” His bloodshot eyes searched her face. “Why?”
Reaching up, she cupped his cheek. “Because you’re afraid of losing control.”
The flames licked at his pupils again. “I’m not afraid of anything.”
“Nothing?” She stroked his jaw with her thumb, soothing, long strokes meant to bring him down, to give him a chance to think instead of react. “You’re not afraid of losing all you’ve built here for yourself? Your children? Me? I think maybe your problem is the exact opposite. You have so much to lose that you can’t help but be afraid of losing it. I know I would be.” Leaning forward, she brushed her lips over his. “The key is to put aside the fear and just...live. You have a fabulous life, Azagoth. We have a fabulous life. And it’ll only get better as we add to it. We’ll find a way to locate your children and bring them here.”
“I don’t deserve you,” he rasped.
“No, you don’t,” she teased, “but you got me, so we’ll just have to find a way to deal with it.”
Right there in the hallway, he tugged her against him, tucking her head against his shoulder as he held her. “I love you, Lilli. I love you so much.”
“I love you too,” she whispered. But sometimes she wondered if it was enough.
Something told her this wasn’t over, and she didn’t know if she was capable of giving him what he needed.