When I woke up the next morning, my muscles felt sore in the most wonderful way. The sun shone on the roof garden, where we lay wrapped in a thin blanket. Last night Trev was punishing in how he took me. I didn’t think there was single part of my body he hadn’t sampled with his lips, teeth and tongue.

His hand stroked my belly as we lay tangled together.

“Spend the day with me,” he murmured.

“Don’t you have to be on set?”

“I do. But only to supervise. They can do without me for one day.”

“I’m not sure Barry will see it like that.”

“He’ll just have to.”

“Neil will probably need my help.”

“Neil’s a powerhouse. He’ll make do.”

At this I shifted to smile at him. “You really are determined for us to spend the day together.”

His expression was full of tenderness. “Last night you told me you loved me. That’s not something I’m going to forget any time soon. So sue me if I want you to myself for a little while.”

The way he spoke made me feel all warm and mushy inside. I stroked his cheek and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “I do love you. And I’m sorry it took me until now to say it.”

“Don’t apologise,” he murmured. “I’m happy.”

We stayed like that for a few minutes, sharing sweet kisses and lingering touches. When I finally managed to drag myself away from him I went to gather my clothes. Trev remained on the sofa, watching me with affection as I dressed. It was still early, but I didn’t want to take the chance of anyone coming up here.

“You should probably put something on, too,” I suggested, but he only shot me a lazy grin.

“I think you prefer me like this.”

I picked up a pillow and threw it at his face.

When we made our way downstairs, Trev had thankfully decided to put some clothes on. And I say thankfully because everybody was gathered in the kitchen eating breakfast. And when I say everybody, I mean everybody. Even Isaac had come over for a bite to eat. I stood frozen as Paul whistled and Callum howled loudly while the others chuckled their amusement. I was so embarrassed I hurried straight to my room, though I still heard James telling them all to grow up.

He was right. Sometimes it was like sharing an apartment with a bunch of teenagers. Trev didn’t have a shy bone in his body of course. He came and stood in the doorway to my room, arms folded and looking decidedly pleased with himself when he said, “I think I’ll rent a car so we can take a drive. Go off the beaten track. It’s been too long since I’ve been behind the wheel. I’m having withdrawals.”

I grinned at that, because like the rest of his brothers, driving was almost as essential as breathing to Trev. “Sure,” I nodded. “Sounds like fun.”

He came and gave me a hot, languorous kiss before he left me to get ready. I showered, then found my last clean item of clothing. It was a light blue tea dress with little clouds printed on. I picked it up a couple months ago at a cutesy vintage style boutique back home. I rarely wore it because it showed a little too much cleavage, however, the skirt went over my knees, so it wasn’t too revealing. I paired it with some ballet flats then dragged my suitcase out to the laundry room to shove all my dirty clothes in the wash.

The group had already left for the day when Trev emerged from his room wearing a navy blue shirt and some beige chinos, Ray Bans perched atop his head. He looked effortlessly stylish and sexy and already I wanted to drag him back to bed. Or the roof. Whatever.

He eyed me like I was a particularly tempting slice of pie, then asked, “Why have I never seen that dress before?”

I ran my hands over the fabric, feeling on display as I shrugged. “I don’t wear it often.”

Trev’s voice was vehement. “Well, you should.”

His little inflection made my pores tighten and I distracted myself by going to check the messages on my phone. When I went to apologise to Neil that I wouldn’t be around today, he waved me off saying Trev already filled him in. I told him I was sorry and that if he wanted to take the day off tomorrow I’d cover for him, which he happily agreed to.

Trev rented a sports car and I smiled as we sailed down the road, windows open, breeze in my hair. He’d taken me to eat breakfast at a lovely outdoor café and now we were going to explore the city and its outskirts. It was Trev’s idea but I was happy to go with the flow. So long as I got to spend the day with him I didn’t mind what we did. However, when the area started to become familiar, I grew tense. Trev stared dead ahead, his hand a little too tight on the steering wheel.

“W-where are we going?” I asked, my chest constricting.

Trev blew out a slow breath. “Don’t hate me.”

Now I became even more apprehensive. “Why would I hate you?”

He flicked his gaze to mine, both determination and apology all in one. I huffed a loud, panicked breath and folded my arms across my chest. We’d been having the most wonderful morning. Why would he try to ruin it like this?

“I’m sacrificing myself for the greater good.”

“This is not the greater good, Trev. I know you think it is, but it isn’t. I want to go back to the apartment.”

“Just hear me out.”

I barked a hysterical laugh. “What reasoning could you possibly make? You’re driving me to my aunt’s house. It’s the middle of July. You know my entire family is going to be there.”

At once I regretted all those hours I’d spent telling him about my summers in Madrid. He knew every detail, from the names of my cousins to my aunt’s address and the church where we attended mass on Sundays.

I felt my throat constrict when Trev blurted, “An email isn’t enough.”

I glared at him. “What are you talking about?”

“You said you sent your sister an email but she never responded. Emails are too easy to ignore. She needs to see you in person. She needs to know you’re a real, living, breathing human who feels pain, because otherwise she’ll never reach out. It’s like a sniper, or someone controlling a remotely operated drone. It’s easy not to feel bad about the people you’re killing, because you’re miles, if not whole countries away. The distance creates comfort. If your sister sees the pain in your eyes, if you tell her about all the hardship you’ve endured, then she’ll want to be in your life. And if she doesn’t, then she’s not worth the heartache anyway.”

I stared at him, because he’d obviously spent a lot of time thinking about this. I was touched, but I was also angry. He had no right to lay this on me, no right to interfere, to trap me.

By the time I looked back out the window, Trev had pulled to a stop on a suburban residential street. We were a couple of houses down from my aunt’s place. The familiar pink hibiscus bushes in the front garden made my chest ache.

“What are you expecting me to do here, Trev? They aren’t going to welcome me with open arms. If they see me, my parents will be furious.”

“I could give a fuck about your parents. As far as I’m concerned, they can go jump off the edge of a cliff. I want you to talk to your sister, and maybe your brother. Not the dick one who sold you out, but the other one. You don’t think I see it, Reya, but I do. I can see your heart bleeding for them. You want them in your life.”

“It’s not that easy,” I whispered as tears sprung to my eyes.

We sat in silence then. I stared at the house with its terracotta bricks, the sun beating down on the roof, and happy childhood memories flooded me. I couldn’t tell if I was angry at Trev for bringing me here, or grateful for the chance to see it again, because this place was a part of me. If it weren’t for him taking this risk, I might never have come back.

A long time went by as we just sat in the car, the air conditioning on full blast. Without thinking I brought my hand to the door handle and pushed it open. I stepped out into the midday heat and sweat instantly dotted my forehead. My hair was always somewhat untameable, but today the humidity made it impossibly curly.

Trev didn’t follow. Instead he stayed in the car and watched as I walked down the street. Glancing at the neighbouring houses, I was amazed at how little they’d changed. The last time I was here I was seventeen. That was almost a decade ago, but still, it felt like longer. It felt like another life. It was strange seeing it through the eyes of an adult. I’d changed. Grown older. But this place had remained the same.

Birds chirped and somebody’s dog barked from one of the gardens. I bent to breathe in the pleasant scent of a flower bush when I heard a shocked voice utter my name.

“Reya?”

I froze in place, then straightened back up and slowly turned around. My sister, Paula, stood in my aunt’s garden, a cup of coffee in hand. She stared at me, her expression full of shock. Neither one of us knew what to say, but finally I found my voice.

“Paula, I—”

“¿Qué carajos crees que estás haciendo aquí?”

My mother came barrelling out of the house like a hurricane. She was only a small woman, but right then she held all the fury of a sumo wrestler about to take down an opponent.

My sister turned to her. “Mamá, don’t.”

My mother didn’t even glance her way. Instead she came hurtling toward me, her features drawn in temper. In the distance, I heard a car door open and shut, then footsteps approach I was sure belonged to Trev. He didn’t come too close, but I sensed his presence near, watching out for me.

A man who lived in the house next to my aunt’s came outside to water his plants and my mother shot a disgruntled look his way. She switched to English. God forbid he understand what she said as she tore her estranged daughter a new one.

“Go now, before your father sees you. You’re not welcome here.”

I swallowed and stood firm, meeting her livid gaze. “I’m here to see Paula and Samuel.”

“Well, they don’t want to see you, so leave,” she spat, disdain dripping from every word. You’d swear I was some junkie who’d come knocking on her door looking for money for a fix.

I glanced at Paula, willing her to stick up for me, but she didn’t breathe a word.

For a second I wanted to wither away, roll up into a ball of pain and hurt and leave this place. But then I remembered how much she didn’t matter. I remembered what a flawed, fearful, awful person my mother was and I drew strength from that.

I was far from perfect, but I was a good person. I wasn’t a liar like she wanted to believe. I had nothing to hide, whereas her whole life revolved around hiding things, creating a falsely perfect façade for people to see.

I met her stare head on. “I’m not leaving until I talk to Paula. Alone.”

My mother’s eyes narrowed to slits and then she brought her attention to my sister. “Do you want to talk to her?”

There was a long, agonising pause as Paula bit her lip. Her face showed frustration, but also fear. In the end her eyes came to mine for a brief second, full of apology as she whispered, “No, I don’t.”

My chest deflated at her simple rejection. Would she have given me a chance if my mother hadn’t come storming out? Not for the first time that day, tears pricked at my eyes. The door swung open and my brother Lucas stepped out, followed by my dad and my other brother, Samuel. Lucas’s wife came out, too, completing the audience for my humiliation and rejection. It wasn’t enough for them to do this to me once; they had to push me away a second time, too.

Not allowing myself to show any signs of weakness, I sucked back the tears and stood my ground. I met each of their eyes once, then said, “I was the victim. I didn’t lie. You will never see how truly awful you are, but God sees it all, and that’s something you can never escape.”

With that I turned and walked away. Trev stood just a few yards from me, his expression fierce. When I reached him, he took my hand and together we walked back to the car. I knew it was a low blow to throw God at them, but that was the only comparison they knew. It was the only way to really make a point with a family like mine. They always considered themselves so devout, so holy, but deep down they had to know it was a lie. And maybe, just maybe, on some bleak, lonely night they’d remember my words and realise their wrongdoing.

I was silent as I climbed into the passenger seat. Trev started the engine but didn’t say anything as we pulled away. It took a few minutes, but I finally let the tears flow. A strangled cry of pain escaped me as I dropped my face into my hands. Sobs wracked my body and Trev reached out to squeeze my knee in comfort. I immediately pushed his hand away and shifted as close to the other side of the car as I could get.

I understood he was coming from a place of concern, but he never should’ve driven me here. He never should’ve gotten involved. I wasn’t ready.

“Reya,” he whispered, glancing at me and then back to the road. “Please don’t shut me out.”

“Leave me alone,” I croaked, turning my head from him.

He exhaled a gruff breath. “I don’t want to leave you alone. I want you to talk to me.”

“I’ve just been humiliated!” I snapped. “I don’t care if you want to talk. I don’t. So just shut the fuck up for once in your life.”

Trev seemed taken aback by my outburst. His throat bobbed and his jaw ticked as he returned his attention to the road. His hand reflexively tightened and loosened on the steering wheel. A few minutes of silence elapsed before he spoke again, his voice quiet, but with an under layer of steel.

“Do you have any idea how helpless I feel when I think about what happened to you? I think about that evil fucker and I know I can’t even get to him. I want to beat the living daylights out of him, until he’s so disfigured he can never touch another girl again.”

My voice was small when I replied, “What about me, Trev? I was the one it happened to. I’m the one who has to remember. You’re only pouring vinegar on the wound by bringing me to my family.”

He didn’t speak for a long time, then ran a hand down his face before settling it back on the steering wheel. “I just thought if I could help you find some resolution with your brother and sister, then maybe you’d feel better. At least that way I would’ve done something.”

“I told you so many times it was a lost cause. You should’ve listened to me.”

He didn’t have any response for that, because he stayed quiet. We didn’t talk the entire way back to the apartment. Trev parked on the street outside the building and I dove from the car. Instead of going inside, I headed down the street. He called after me but I didn’t respond.

If I went inside that apartment I’d be trapped with him, and I needed some time alone to lick my wounds. I’d been doing so well not thinking of my family, but now every single face was in my head, staring at me, some with pity, others with disgust. Mostly disgust. How could they? How could they judge me so harshly? How could they claim to love me then turn their backs with scorn and contempt?

I was the victim.

I stepped inside a café, relieved Trev hadn’t decided to follow me, and ordered a coffee and a sandwich. It sat untouched on the table as I stared out the window, vacantly watching people going to and fro. I had no idea how long I’d been sitting there when the waitress came and asked if everything was all right. I nodded silently, slipped her some euros and left.

After that I walked for miles. I was familiar enough with the city not to get lost, and after spending my days cooped up with six other people, I was feeling a little suffocated.

It was evening when I finally returned to the apartment. Everyone was there, relaxing after a long day of filming. They barely noticed me come in and I went straight to my room. It only took a minute before my door flung open and Trev barrelled in.

“Reya, I’ve been so fucking worried about you,” he said, striding forward as though to take me in his arms but I stepped aside.

“I’m fine. Just needed some time to clear my head.”

His eyes shone with remorse. “I’m so sorry about today. You were right. I shouldn’t have brought you there.”

I held up a hand. “Look, what’s done is done. I need to go put my clothes in the dryer.”

I walked past him, but he followed me to the laundry room. I knelt down and started pulling my clothes from the washing machine and stuffing them into the dryer. Trev stood by the door, arms folded, face probably like a sad puppy.

I wasn’t holding what he did against him, because I knew his heart was in the right place, but I also wasn’t ready to go back to being loved up just yet. He needed to know that he couldn’t just spring things on me like that. He couldn’t meddle in my family situation, or lack thereof, without warning me. That wasn’t the relationship I wanted. It reminded me of what his doctor had said to him about the id. “The id wants instant gratification rather than to work for a certain result.” Perhaps Trevor would always struggle with that.

I could see that today was the only day for it. We wouldn’t be in Madrid for long and we’d both be busy from tomorrow on. Still, last night had been a turning point. I woke up this morning feeling different, more free, in love, but then his choice damaged our new start. Forced me to revisit old demons.

When I slammed the door of the dryer shut I could hardly stand the tension anymore. “Look, Trev, I can’t talk to you right now. What happened today, it made me feel like my heart got ripped out of my chest all over again and I’m still hurting.”

“Let me help—”

“You can’t. This is something I need to ride out on my own. Just . . . give me time.”

Trev’s eyes flickered back and forth between mine and he looked afraid. I turned around and started pressing buttons on the dryer. A second later two arms wrapped around me tight, knocking the air from my lungs. I froze as Trev hugged me like his life depended on it and my heart did a quick, hard thump in my chest. He buried his face in my hair and murmured, “I’m sorry. I’ll never do anything like that ever again. I love you.”

Almost as quick as he caught me in his hug, he let go, turned around, and left the room. I slumped back onto the dryer as it rumbled to life and blew out a long breath. Every year I mourned July. Mourned the loss of family and the hatred they felt for me. But being in Madrid, being amongst Spanish-speaking people, the language of my family, and then being cast aside again, my heart just wasn’t capable of healing so easily.

The pain burned, as if it was searing an irreparable hole in my heart. Perhaps when I agreed to take this job, I should have guessed that Madrid would be the hardest part of the trip. I never imagined the minefield it would turn out to be, nor the multitude of see-sawing emotions I’d experience along the way.