Mitch

When my doorbell rang, my heart lifted a little. I’d been home for three days and no word from Stella. I didn’t expect it. Hell, it made it easier that she hadn’t called. It had taken everything in me not to call her. But she’d done the brave thing, the smart thing, by ending things right there at the hospital. I never should have put her in the position to have to.

The aching in my ribs competed with the searing heat shooting down my left shoulder as I made it to the door and opened it.

“I hope you don’t think I’m paying for this,” I said. Ken Bardwell stood with his back to me. He turned and smiled as the door swung wide.

“Hey, you should be impressed. I don’t do house calls.”

“Great. Except for the lucky assholes you think are in the worst amount of trouble.”

“More true than you know, my friend. Now don’t be an even bigger asshole. Invite me in.”

“You part vampire?”

“Nope. Just your favorite bloodsucker.”

“I thought that’s just what I call my lawyer.”

I stepped back and Ken walked into the foyer. He looked me up and down and whistled. “Shit. You’re even uglier than I remembered.”

“To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“You owe me one more session, remember?”

I would have laughed if I knew it wouldn’t hurt like hell.

“I thought I could make a clean getaway.”

Ken snorted and we walked back to the kitchen. I would have offered him a beer but it was too early in the day. “How’s business?”

Ken shrugged. “A lot more boring now that you’re not in my life. You’ve turned into my most famous client.”

We sat at the kitchen table. I started to reconsider getting a damn drink.

“Seriously,” he said. “Why haven’t you checked in with me?”

I shook my head. “Things have been a little hectic.”

“Yep. And that’s exactly when you should be calling me. You want to tell me what really happened on that warrant? Therapist-client privilege. It goes nowhere.”

I huffed out a laugh. “What, you didn’t catch it on social media like the rest of the assholes in this town?”

“Come on, Mitch.”

“Maybe it’s not such a good idea for you to be here. If I have to sue the city to keep my job, I’ll have to sign a waiver on all that doctor-patient privilege.”

“What, you afraid I’m going to tell them all you’re a bad cop?”

“Are you?”

Ken sat back in his chair. “Mitch, knock it off. I’ve got eyes. Looks to me like you’re lucky to be alive. What the hell did he hit you with? You look like you’ve been pistol whipped. Did he get your own piece off you?”

I shook my head. “A hammer.”

“Sheeeit. Well, it looks like you managed to duck in time.”

“Have you already talked to Stan?” I wanted to cut the shit. I had a pretty good idea that although Ken liked me and I probably was his most interesting patient, Stan sent him here. The time was too coincidental. I looked at the wall clock. The memorial started in less than an hour. I had just been ready to try and put on a suit before Ken got here. His silence was all the answer I needed.

“He might have reached out. But it’s not what you think.”

I raised a brow. “It’s not. Let me guess. He wants you to sit on me so I don’t do something stupid like show up at my best friend’s memorial in front of all the press and the local judiciary. Is he afraid I’d really get in Judge Pierce’s face?”

Ken’s mouth curled into a smirk. “Well gee, Mitch. What in the hell would give Stan that kind of an idea? And don’t bullshit me. I saw your suit hanging on the banister in the hallway.”

I pounded my fist against the table. “He can’t keep me from going. He can only keep me from standing on the dais with him. Which is fine by me. I never wanted to be up there anyway.”

“Yep,” Ken said. “That’s pretty much what he thought you’d say. So you need help getting that shirt on? I can help you with the buttons as long as that doesn’t mean we’re dating.”

I laughed. “I’m way too pretty for you.”

“Ha! Have you seen you in a mirror lately?”

I flipped him off. Then we grew quiet. I rubbed a hand over my brow. “I appreciate it, okay? I’ve figured out you’re not a complete asshole. So yeah. Thanks.”

“You’re going to make me blush. Now how about we cut the shit. Tell me how you’re really doing.”

I let out a breath and pushed my chair away from the table. I looked out the back door at the water. It used to bring me peace. Lately, all I could see was Stella. Her long blonde hair waving in the breeze as she walked barefoot to the shoreline. Sliding my arms around her waist and pulling her against my chest. Making love to her under the moonlight and waking up to her every morning. Air left my lungs and I felt her absence again like physical weight on my chest.

“I haven’t been completely honest with you,” I said.

Ken tapped his ring against the table. “And that wouldn’t make you the first. Let me guess, things have been somewhat heated with Stella Terry.”

I shook my head and laughed. “You know, you’re annoying as fuck with that.”

“And you’re transparent as fuck. So tell me, are you in love with her?”

I looked at him. “You tell me. That is, if I’m so transparent.”

Ken nodded. “How long have you been in love with her?”

I froze and closed my eyes. I let out a breath hard enough that it hurt. I opened my eyes again. “I think since always, at least in one way or another. Ever since I saw her. Hell, it’s been fifteen years just about. Before she even met Brian. But our timing was never right. That was during my manwhore, player days. Shit, she saw right through that and wisely chose to stay away. Then I introduced her to Brian and that was it.”

“Hmm. And Brian didn’t deserve her.”

His words hit me right in the gut. I choked on them. Then I looked him square in the eye. “None of us are perfect.”

Ken cocked his head. “Nope. And Brian never got the chance to be better.”

“Well, it doesn’t matter anymore. She’s gone. She wised up. Seeing me in a hospital bed scared the shit out of her. Ken, I never want to see that look in her eyes again. I never want to be the cause of that look in her eyes. She deserves better.”

“Yep. They always do. Took me a damn long time to figure that out. I told you. Three divorces. But you know, you won’t always be a cop.”

“Right. And there’s probably better than a fifty-fifty chance I won’t be after this trumped-up investigation brought on by a butt-hurt, bleeding-heart judge. That’s what we tell ourselves though, isn’t it? If I asked you, gun to your head, what are you? You really believe psychologist is the first thing you’d say?”

Ken put his palms up in surrender. “Well, yeah. That’s the bitch of it, isn’t it? So let me ask you another question. What do you want?”

“To win the lottery.”

“I’m serious. Tell me. What do you want out of your life? Are you content with the way things are? Because I don’t think you are. And I’d love to sit here and say it’s been my glorious skills as a therapist that have been making you happy over the last few months. For a while, I was kind of patting myself on the back that it was. But I think we both know better. As much as I worry you took things way too fast, Stella made you happy, didn’t she?”

A knife twisted in my gut. “It’s dangerous to be too happy.”

“Brother, you got that right. But it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t keep trying for it. Now, I don’t know if this girl is right for you. But you got a taste of how things can be better in your life. The trick now is going to be figuring out how to clear a path so you can have it again. Maybe not with this girl. Maybe you’re right. You’ve both got a lot of baggage tied up with a big red bow of misplaced guilt about what happened with Macavoy. Shit. Did she ever get grief counseling?”

I shook my head. “I don’t know.”

“Well, she should. It sounds like she needs it. I could give you some names if you think she’ll listen. Whether she stays in your life or not, it sounds like she’s hurting just as much. And I’m telling you it can get better. But you already know that because you’ve felt it. And now this shit sandwich landed in your lap on that last warrant. You’ve got a dickhead judge who’s got it out for you. But none of that has to touch you. It’s a temporary bump in the road. So don’t let it set you back to the way things were before. Don’t shut everybody out, Mitch. You ought to know by now it wasn’t working for you.”

I ran a hand over my jaw. “You know, you’re a real pain in the ass.”

“Yep. And that’s just your lovely way of saying you know I’m right. I’ll take it. Now, are we going to this shindig or not? If I leave, you’re going to go anyway. So do something bold. Take somebody’s help when they offer it. And I’m offering it. You can get through the day and it’s going to be all right.”

Ken stood up. He went into the hallway and came back with my suit. “Come on, man. You’re going to be late. In a way, this whole thing is perfect. Closure.”

“Fuck, closure.”

Ken laughed. “Yeah. I don’t buy that bullshit either. But you can use this as a new start. Say goodbye to Brian. You deserve to. So does she. You think you’re brave enough to try?”

I pressed my thumb against my forehead hard. Dammit, this hurt. And it was going to hurt even worse before the day was over, I imagined. But Ken was right. Once and for all, it was time to say goodbye.