Justin: Everything going okay?
In response, I first send him a picture of my monkey sitting behind Mr. Fish, who is all settled in his new fish tank. Then, I send another text.
Me: Going good. Had a good time at the fair. So excited to go back with you. Mr. Fish would like a companion.
I walk back into the living room to find FC fast asleep with his head resting on the back of the couch. I sit next to him just as a text from Justin comes in.
Justin: We will find Mr. Fish a Mrs. Fish. What are y’all doing now?
Me: FC fell asleep, so I’m talking to you and watching TV.
We text for a while. FC makes the world stop turning when he leans over and ever so slowly rests his head on my shoulder. It’s as if his body wants to keep tilting because withing two minutes, he manages to slide down my chest until his head is in my lap. I don’t even know how he’s breathing right now. His face is buried midway between my thighs. He takes a deep breath and sighs, like he’s finally comfortable.
His hair looks desperate for my fingers to run through it. I curl my hands into fists to stop myself. That would cross a friendship line, right? To twirl strands of hair between my fingers. To run my hand through his hair. I can’t do it.
Nope.
No can do.
Yet my trembling hand reaches out and curls into his hair. Gah, it’s so soft. I freeze when FC turns his head and body toward the TV, but he doesn’t appear to wake up. I wait a minute before playing with his hair once again. It’s like my fingers have found their happy place and they never want to leave. His hair is that soft.
Some time later, FC scares me half to death by mumbling, “Idaline, are you playing with my hair?”
My fingers freeze in his hair, but I calmly reply, “No.”
He hums, but I can’t tell if that means he believes me or not.
Ever so slowly, I remove my hand. “FC?” He grunts. “You’re in my lap.”
He jerks upright. “Sorry. Didn’t realize it. Guess I should make my bed.” He runs a hand through his hair. Hair that I now know exactly what it feels like. I’m turning into a crazy woman. There’s no way around it. “Idaline?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you want to say goodbye now? I have to head out around four thirty to be to work on time.”
That’s the sensible thing to do, but I find myself shaking my head. “Wake me up.”
FC doesn’t question my decision. He only nods. We both stand, him to go to the bathroom to get ready for bed and me to gather a pillow and sheets. What I don’t do is think about the last time FC and I said good night. I make his bed with an empty mind.
“Thanks for letting me crash here, Idaline,” FC says in a soft voice.
I glance up as I place his pillow on the couch. “You can stay any time you need a place to go. I’ll always be here for you.”
He smiles and it feels like the first smile I’ve seen from him today. We walk past one another to switch places, say goodnight, and I head to bed as well. That was a success. No too-long hug. No kissing. Just a friendly goodnight between friends.
But unfortunately, I toss and turn all night. It feels like there are four voices in my head, all of them talking at once. Well, that’s a lie. One of them is singing a song we heard on the radio on the way home that I apparently can’t get out of my head. The other three are talking over one another.
Voice A keeps going on and on about FC. Is he comfortable in there? Maybe he’d like another pillow. It might be too warm or too cold for him. The couch might be too short. Maybe we should switch places. Or I could invite him in here. On and on and on.
Voice B worries about my job. What if one day my anxiety and depression take over so much that they fire me? Or I hurt a patient because I’m not on my game? What if I’m late tomorrow? I already want to call in sick, but that’s not right or fair.
Voice C? It’s all nonsense. I wonder what kind of bird it is that’s always outside my window chirping in the mornings. Do I see my therapist on a Wednesday or a Thursday? I wonder if my fish really is a mister. I need to wash my sheets soon. Maybe Justin will sleep over after our date tomorrow. Is it weird that I’ve yet to visit his place? I think it is.
Now, compile all those sentences on top of one another and that’s my brain right now. That’s my brain until about three in the morning when exhaustion finally shuts it down and I can fall into a heavy sleep.
And what feels like two seconds later, FC shakes my shoulder to wake me up. I groan. It’s too soon. Way too soon.
“I came to say goodbye, as requested,” he tells me in a soft voice.
I sit up and hold my arms out. He bends down and embraces me, allowing my arms to fold around his neck. “Tell me a secret before you go.” My yawn makes it sound more like a question.
For a few heartbeats, we hold each other in silence. I feel his neck move as he swallows. “Out of all the people I know, all the people I’ve met, you’re the only one I can never live without.” Just like that, the air in my lungs evaporates, even as FC tries to ease the effect of the bomb he just dropped. “That means you’ll forever be stuck with me,” he adds with a chuckle.
His arms pull away from mine, which unfortunately means I have to do the same. “Go back to sleep. We’ll talk soon.” I nod and lie back down. FC pulls my covers up to my shoulders. My heart combusts when he leans down and kisses my cheek. “Bye, Idaline.”
“Bye,” I manage to squeak.
He flashes a smile and heads out the door, saying a goodbye to Mr. Fish as well. My fingers reach up to touch the magical place his lips met my cheek. I swear, my skin tingles. There’s no way I can go back to sleep now.
That makes my day so freaking long. Twelve-hour shifts feel like twenty-four hours when you’re running on an hour of sleep. Praise the coffee beans for providing delicious coffee to keep me going. Unfortunately, a crazy shift and a restless night means I’m in no mood for a date with Justin. I waste no time calling him when I leave work.
“Don’t tell me he’s back,” Justin answers.
I laugh. “He’s not.”
“Good,” he replies curtly.
“But I do have semi-bad news.”
Justin groans. “You’re killing me, sweetheart.”
My cheeks warm at hearing him call me sweetheart. “I’m exhausted. Work was long and hard and well, work. But I only got about an hour of sleep last night because I just couldn’t sleep. Can we spend the night in and go to the fair tomorrow?”
“Yeah, of course. You know what? Come to my house. I think I have just the trick for you to relax. Bring a bathing suit. I’ll text you my address.”
I want to question the bathing suit part, but decide not to. After a stop at home to feed Mr. Fish, shower, and to pack a bag, I drive to Justin’s. His apartment complex is way nicer than mine. I can only imagine that his apartment will look the same. My smile widens when I spot Justin waiting on the sidewalk. He walks over as I get out of the car and grabs my bag.
His arms loop around my waist and he kisses me softly. “I’m glad to have you all to myself for a night.”
“I’m looking forward to it too.”
We head up to his apartment. “I already have dinner ready,” he says. “I figured since you had a bad day, I better whip something up real quick.”
“Thank you.” I sneak in a quick kiss before he can open the door.
After getting settled in his apartment, which is just as nice as I thought it would be, we sit down at his table to eat spaghetti. That’s apparently when Justin wants to grill me about my time with FC in a roundabout way. I don’t know how much more he could want to know. He texted me pretty often while we were out.
“So, did you have fun winning Mr. Fish and that monkey?” he asks.
“FC won them for me. I suck at those games and he used to be a pitcher in high school, so I definitely took advantage of that to get the monkey. I had my favorite cotton candy, too, and I stole some of FC’s funnel cake when he wasn’t paying attention.” That was before our night went downhill, though. I still can’t get rid of that feeling of being on edge either.
“You’re really comfortable with someone you’ve only met three times now,” he comments.
I shrug. “I’ve known him for so long, though. How has your day been?”
“Good. I’m seeing you, so I won’t complain.” Justin smiles.
We talk while we eat and then Justin leaves to change into his swim trunks. All I have to do is take my outer layer of clothes off because I went ahead and put on my bathing suit before I left the house. Justin returns, holding two towels, and he grabs his keys. He holds out his hand. I take it and then he’s leading me out of his apartment building.
After a short walk, we end up at a pool. Justin sets the towels and his keys on one seat while I pile my clothes on another seat, slipping off my shoes as well. Justin reclaims my hand and we walk down the steps into the cool water together. My eyes slide over to ogle Justin before his body disappears underneath the water.
“You look fantastic in that bathing suit, sweetheart,” Justin says, bringing my gaze up to his face where his eyes seem to be glued to my chest as we wade in the water.
“You look pretty good yourself.”
He cracks a smile and pulls me further into the water. I want to groan when I feel that mental switch flip. The one where my mood completely flops in a matter of seconds and all I want to do is curl into a ball and cry. Where life chooses this moment to overwhelm me. When my mental health decides to take a dive and my thoughts say, “This is too much for today. Don’t deal with it. Give in and try again tomorrow.”
“Hey,” Justin whispers, wiping rogue tears from my cheeks. “What’s the matter? You’re supposed to be relaxing with me.”
How am I supposed to explain this to him? All of my energy died the moment I was hit with this despair. I try not to tell boyfriends about my mental health issues. Not because I want to keep it from them, but because I have explained it to a few of them and they either thought I was a nut or just didn’t understand and wouldn’t try. There wasn’t even any empathy. There were those who thought I should just decide to be happy or go outside and enjoy the sunshine and fresh air. Like that’s all it takes to cure an anxiety disorder and depression.
But Justin should understand. He’s a paramedic. That has to aid in his understanding somehow, right?
Justin wraps his arms around my shoulders, pulling me close to him. “Talk to me, Idaline.”
“I’m sorry.” Ugh. The urge to ugly cry and babble is strong. I take a deep breath and hope that by taking this slow, it’ll be easier. I point to my head. “I have issues.”
He frowns. “I don’t understand.”
I bite the inside of my lip to keep from sighing. Right. He isn’t FC. He doesn’t automatically know what I’m talking about. I swallow hard and try again. “I deal with an anxiety disorder and depression.” I wipe a tear. “So, this happens sometimes.” Now, to wait for his response.
Justin hugs me tighter, his lips brushing my ear. “What do you need from me to make it better?” he asks. “Should we go back inside?”
Relief floods my system. That’s exactly what I want, but then, I’ll just feel worse for ruining his idea. “Give me ten minutes to see if I can deal out here.”
Justin nods and we begin to swim a few laps before floating. I’m thankful no one is out here. I don’t know if I could deal with any additional noise or people. Justin holds my hand as we float. Hopefully, he’ll keep an eye out and make sure we don’t run into any walls. I close my eyes and focus on the way my breathing sounds with my ears under the water. That’s the noise I focus on and allow it to take over my mind.
The way I feel doesn’t improve much, but I don’t feel like I might burst into tears at any second either. Justin stands and pulls me upright with him. He seems to analyze my every feature.
“C’mere,” he nearly mumbles, reaching out for both of my hands. Justin tugs until our bodies are close. He interlocks our fingers and we begin to…dance?
“Are we dancing?” I ask, a bit of awe in my voice.
“You mean you’ve never danced in a pool before?” he asks as if I’m the crazy one.
“No.”
“Glad to be your first then.”
We mostly sway while Justin stares at me so intently, I nearly forget we’re in a pool. He eventually lifts my arms around his neck and holds me even closer. I rest my head on his shoulder to further relax. Life still feels sucky, but it’s a tolerable sucky.
“Doing okay?” he whispers after a while.
“Yeah. Are you ready to go in now? I’m really tired.”
“If you’re ready, I’m ready.”
One thing that I’ve already noticed about being with Justin is that it’s easy. It’s really easy to be with him. There’s no friction. No awkwardness. Nothing hard. It’s simple and easy. That’s good, right? That’s something a girl should want in her relationships. Easy instead of tension, complex emotions, heady sensations.
As Justin does whatever he can to soothe me, to help my emotional state, I decide that easy is definitely a good thing.