I wipe away a few tears and look up at my therapist, Mrs. Judith. FC’s letter has been crumpled over and over and the wrinkled paper shakes in my grasp. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve read it, but this is the first time she’s hearing it.
“What am I supposed to do? There’s mixed signals, right?”
Mrs. Judith nods and sighs. “You won’t like my suggestion.”
“Maybe not, but I don’t know what to do.” It’s been so stressful waiting for this letter, not knowing if I would ever get a letter from him. Now that I have it and I’ve read FC’s wishy-washy words, I don’t know what to do. My initial reaction is to keep writing him, no matter what, but Mrs. Judith asked me to let her know as soon as I heard from FC. That’s one reason why I’m sharing his letter with her.
“I think you need to let him go,” she says, causing all the air to disappear from the room. “Maybe not for the rest of your life, but for the foreseeable future. Your friendship with FC is turning toxic for you right now. He obviously has something going on in his life that he doesn’t want you to know about and it’s worrying you entirely too much. I’ve watched you come in here every session since you sent your last letter to him, and each time you return, you look worse.”
She gives me an apologetic frown. “He’s not good for you right now, Idaline. You’re thinking entirely too much about what may be wrong in his life, why it takes so long to hear from him, and so on. A break will do you some good and provide some distance I think you need. And it doesn’t help that you know Justin doesn’t want you talking to him in the first place.”
This past month or so? That is the longest FC and I have gone without talking in our entire twelve years of friendship. To think about purposely not talking to him? My soul shrivels and runs to hide. This doesn’t seem right, and I remember that morning he came to say goodbye to me. And I quietly say, “He told me I’m the only person he’s ever known that he can never live without. How can I abandon him?”
“It’s not going to be forever,” Mrs. Judith reminds me. “And this is for your sake. I need you to think of how hard it’s been on you lately. Taking a break will alleviate some of your stress. It may also be good for FC, so he can truly focus on whatever’s going on in his life, and when things have calmed down for him, you’ll know because he said he’ll reach out to you.”
“I’ll think about it,” I promise.
She changes the topic, asking what plans I have for my first Christmas with Justin. I’m both looking forward to it and not. It’ll be exciting, but so freaking busy. Both of our families are doing something on Christmas Eve, which means we’ll be running around all day. For a person like me on my best day, that’s tiring. We got through Thanksgiving, where I made a much better impression on his family. We can get through Christmas.
FC and another holiday with Justin aren’t the only things stressing me lately. I also switched from the dayshift to the nightshift at work. The transition has not been smooth. My appointment with Mrs. Judith was early this morning, soon after my shift ended, so now, I get to drive home and sleep for the better part of the day.
I smile when I approach my front door and see a bouquet of various flowers in a vase. After I unlock the door, I pick them up and pluck out the card.
Idaline,
I hope these make you smile. See you tonight before your shift.
Justin
I set them on the kitchen table, text a huge thanks to Justin, and move to my bathroom for a quick shower. We haven’t been able to spend as much time together since my switch to nightshift, but our relationship is still working. I question things here and there, more so this past month since I’ve been obsessed with waiting on hearing from FC. The question I frequently ask myself is how do I know if Justin and I are truly meant to be together?
No answer ever comes, but I’m reminded every time I’m with him how easy things are. Not that we don’t have hiccups or arguments, but even during those times, it happens, and then it’s over, and we’re back to normal. Everything’s easy. Smooth. That’s a good thing to have, right? Besides, I am happy. I just wish I wouldn’t second-guess myself so often.
My sleep is peaceful thankfully, and I wake up to a soft kiss on my cheek. When I open my eyes, I’m relieved it’s Justin. There’s always a moment of panic that it might be someone else, but it’s always been him ever since we exchanged keys to our apartments.
“Hey, sweetheart.”
“Hey. I guess it’s time for me to wake up?”
Justin nods from where he sits on the edge of my bed. “There’s plenty of time for us to go out to eat before your shift if you’re up for it.”
“Let me get ready and we can go.” As I get out of bed, I ask, “How was your day?”
“It was slow compared to yesterday.” He talked for a good fifteen minutes about his shift at work yesterday, but that’s all he has to say about the one from today. “Do you mind if I stay with you tonight?” At this, I glance over my shoulder. “I miss you, Idaline.”
“That’s fine. But you do realize I’ll be at work while you’re here, right?”
Justin laughs, the sound automatically causing me to smile. “You’ll be here in the morning, and so will I. Tomorrow’s my day off. I get to start that day with you.”
“Lucky me.” He returns my smile and I jet off to the bathroom to get ready.
Soon, we’re sitting at a table in the middle of a fairly busy restaurant, eating dinner before my shift. Justin talks about wanting us to go Christmas shopping together. That’s something I’d rather not do. I’ve managed to do all my Christmas shopping online for years. I also pick things up before the holiday season arrives. The entire point is to avoid the crowds and the anxiety that usually comes with shopping at this time of year.
Before I can figure out a way to say no, my eyes drift to a figure walking this way. Terror seizes my lungs as imaginary hands clutch my neck when I see him smirk at me. I scoot my chair back so quickly that we both lose our balance and tip backward.
“Idaline!” Justin rushes over to help me, but I crab-walk on my hands because so does Daniel.
“Are you okay?” he asks, laughter in his tone.
“Get away from me.” I bump into someone’s chair. Justin says something, but my ears seem to block any noise as stress blasts my senses. I reach up to grab my neck, as if I could somehow open my airways. My body floats as I try to breathe. Then, I blink and sink into a blissful darkness as sound sneaks into my ears. “You son of a bitch,” comes from Justin and what sounds like flesh hitting flesh before the darkness completely takes me away.
“Idaline. Sweetheart. Wake up. He’s gone. Come on, wake up. There you go,” he says as I slowly open my eyes. “You scared the hell out of me, passing out like that. Are you okay?”
I sit up, remembering Daniel’s smirk and feeling his hands around my neck, instinctively reaching for my throat. “Where are we?” I ask, not recognizing the room we’re in.
“The manager let us use his office.” Justin gently removes my fingers from my throat. “Once I realized why you freaked out, because it was the guy who beat you up, I hit him twice and then saw that you fainted on me. The nerve of that guy to come over and check on you, knowing he was the reason for your reaction.” Justin shakes his head. “Are you okay?” he repeats.
“I’m fine.” I stand, leaving his lap, and smooth out my hair. “I’m sorry for making a scene out there. I didn’t realize I’d react that way; that’s the first time I’ve seen him since it happened. We should go. I’ll be late for work.”
Justin frowns and stands toe-to-toe in front of me. He pulls me into a hug that I can’t seem to relax into. “Don’t apologize. Take a moment to breathe and relax. We’re not in any rush.” His arms are loose enough that I could get away if I wanted to, but they slowly tighten around me and I begin to relax. “Stop forgetting that I’m here for you. I’m right here.” He squeezes me as if to prove himself. “And I’m not going anywhere.”
I nearly scoff, not believing him for the simple that that FC said the same thing and ta-da. He’s disappeared on me, too. Granted, he more than likely has a good reason, but mind and heart don’t accept those unknown reasons right now.
Justin has been almost completely transparent, though. Maybe that means I can trust him more. I want so desperately to trust someone and to find my soulmate. I return Justin’s hug and seep into the comfort he offers.
“There you go, sweetheart,” he whispers as he feels me relax. “Much better.”
He holds me for a few more minutes before escorting me out of the manager’s office and out of the restaurant. It’s as if the incident never happened. I can’t help but look for Daniel, even though Justin reassured me that he’s gone. I accept another hug and kiss outside before we part ways for me to head into work.
All I want to do is crawl into bed, tired after the fiasco with Daniel, and still a bit shaken. My mind has recovered more than my body. An invisible tremble shakes throughout my entire body. It’s almost like aftershocks after an earthquake. My panic attack was the earthquake, but I have lingering anxiety and physical symptoms. The main event might be over and you may feel safer, but you’re not completely safe yet.
The anxiety aftershocks weaken as I work and focus on what’s at hand instead of what happened. Eventually, they fizzle out completely. Justin texts me on and off throughout the night to check in and make sure I’m doing okay. Those texts fade, too, but that’s only because Justin falls asleep.
When I finally get home, I change into pajamas, plug in my phone to charge, and crawl into bed next to Justin. Just as I get comfortable, he pulls me against him.
“Did you have a good night at work?” he asks, his eyes still closed.
“Yeah.”
He hums with happiness, kisses me slowly, and then mumbles, “Get some sleep then. I’ll be here when you wake up.”
“I’m glad you’re here,” I tell him. I’m not so sure I would’ve been okay coming to an empty apartment after last night.
“There’s nowhere I’d rather be.” He kisses me again, opens his eyes as he pulls away, and says, “I love you, Idaline. I’ll always be here for you.”
His gaze is expectant, but no words are dying to be spoken. Justin must realize this because he kisses my forehead and closes his eyes to go back to sleep. I do the same, wondering how I feel about this new development in our relationship and why I don’t feel eager to repeat those words. I like Justin and I like being with him, but am I in love with him? Is he my soulmate? Do I want to keep him around for the rest of my life? Can I picture us getting married? Or even staying together long-term?
A clear-cut answer doesn’t emerge. There’s too much hesitation. Since no answer will come this morning, I do my best to settle in and fall asleep.
“You didn’t say it back,” Justin states later after we’ve woken up and had sex. His gaze is on the ceiling and I keep mine locked there, too.
I was hoping he wouldn’t bring this up. He gets the only honest answer I have. “I’m not ready.”
Tension stifles the air for a long minute before he says, “Okay.”
Spending the day together might not be so fun unless we can break this tension.