Chapter Seventeen
He rolled off her and onto his back, fighting to catch his breath and struggling to figure out what the hell had just happened. But it was difficult to think when his brain cells seemed incapable of the most basic functions.
“What the—”
Alyssa winced at the expletive he used to complete the sentence.
Jay didn’t care. He said it again. And again.
“Don’t you think you’re overreacting a little?” she interjected as she shifted away from him, dragging the top sheet with her.
“No, I don’t think I’m overreacting.” He practically shouted the words at her. “My God, Lys—you were a virgin.”
She didn’t cower from his anger. In fact, she squared her shoulders and faced him defiantly, wearing nothing more than the bedsheet she held clenched in a fist between her breasts. “So?”
He found his briefs in the pile of discarded clothing on the floor and yanked them on. “So you should have told me.”
And he should have known.
The clues were all there, if he’d bothered to take the time to piece them together. But when she’d invited him into her bedroom, he’d been focused on the finish line to the exclusion of all else. He’d not only taken her virginity, he’d done so with little thought and even less care, and the realization burned in his gut.
“Why?” she demanded in response to his claim.
He couldn’t believe she would have to ask such a question. “Because that’s not the kind of information a guy wants to discover after he’s irrevocably changed the status.”
“You’re making this into a bigger deal than it is,” she said, clearly unconvinced by his argument.
“It is a big deal.”
She shook her head. “You don’t understand.”
“Explain it to me,” he suggested.
She took a minute to wrap the sheet around herself before perching on the edge of the mattress. “All my life, I’ve been handled with kid gloves. There were so many things I wasn’t allowed to do, so many experiences I missed out on, because my heart was fragile.”
He scowled at that. “You told me your heart was fine.”
“My heart is fine,” she said. “But no matter how many doctors said exactly that, my parents refused to believe it. As a result, I led a very sheltered life.
“Yeah, I dated some, but whenever I started to get close to somebody—close enough to tell them about my surgeries, to prepare them for seeing my scars—their romantic interest inevitably gave way to a morbid fascination, and it was suddenly all about a birth defect that had stopped being relevant to me a long time ago. No one ever treated me like I was normal—until you.”
He could hardly dispute what she was saying. He had no experience comparable to hers.
“Maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference,” she continued. “But maybe it would have, and I didn’t want to take that chance. I was tired of feeling like a freak because I was a twenty-six-year-old virgin.”
His fury was justified—she’d deliberately withheld important information. But it was difficult to hold on to his righteous anger in the face of the hurt and frustration he heard in her voice. “You’re not a freak, Alyssa,” he told her. “You’re an incredibly smart, sweet, sexy woman.”
“I was a twenty-six-year-old virgin,” she said again.
“You’re not that anymore,” he pointed out.
That earned him a small smile. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
“Are you?” he wondered aloud.
“Well, I’m sorry that you were mad I didn’t tell you,” she clarified.
“I guess, under the circumstances, I can kind of understand,” he agreed.
“But I wasn’t only afraid that you’d treat me differently,” she admitted now. “I was afraid...”
He sat on the edge of the bed, beside her. “Tell me.”
She took a minute, as if to find the words she needed to express her feelings, then let them out in a rush. “I was afraid if you knew about my lack of experience you wouldn’t want me.”
He lifted a hand to her face, gently tipped her chin up so that she had to meet his gaze. “Apparently you’re not as smart as I thought you were.”
Hers showed confusion.
“How could you possibly think I wouldn’t want you?” he asked, his tone softer now.
“I know you’ve had a lot of girlfriends,” she said. “Girlfriends who undoubtedly had a lot more—”
He touched a finger to her lips, silencing her. “Let’s keep this between you and me,” he suggested.
“I don’t want you to feel responsible for me...because of what just happened. I knew what I was doing when I asked you to stay,” she said. “I didn’t do it to try to turn a pretend relationship into something real.”
“I’m feeling a lot of things,” he acknowledged, “but responsible isn’t one of them.”
“What are you feeling?”
“Right now, looking at your sexy body wrapped in nothing more than that sheet, I’d say that ‘aroused’ is at the top of the list.”
Her eyes widened. “Does that mean... Can we do it again?”
He chuckled softly. “Oh, yeah,” he said. “I think it’s safe to say we can do it again—”
A smile curved her lips.
“—but maybe not tonight.”
The smile faded. “Why not? I’ve got a whole box of condoms.”
And damn if that reminder didn’t make him want to use every last one before the morning sun peeked over the horizon. But despite her evident enthusiasm, and his own eagerness, he had to remember that her body had been untouched and might be feeling more tender than she realized.
“Because I don’t want to hurt you any more,” he told her.
“You didn’t hurt me,” she said. “There was a brief twinge—and then there was nothing but pleasure. I want you to make me feel that way again.”
“And to think that I once questioned your ability to negotiate,” he mused ruefully.
Her lips curved again. “Does that mean you’ll come back to bed with me?”
He didn’t know how to deny her what they both wanted, so he didn’t even try.
* * *
Alyssa hadn’t expected any more than one night.
Especially when she saw how angry Jason was after the first time they’d made love, she didn’t think anything she said or did would allow him to forgive her. But she was starting to realize that being a woman was a powerful thing—and she was enjoying wielding that power.
She knew that a woman’s first time wasn’t always pleasant. More often it was awkward and painful—and it didn’t always get better after that.
It had admittedly taken her body a little while to adjust to the intrusion of his, but that little bit of discomfort had been eclipsed by the pleasure he gave her, both before and after. That first experience had been wonderful. Certainly she hadn’t expected that it could get any better than that.
She’d been wrong.
Shockingly and fabulously wrong, as he proved to her night after night.
In the mornings, they resumed running together—although they sometimes got a later start, opting to begin the day with a different kind of cardio workout before they laced up their running shoes and hit the pavement.
Now Jason wasn’t just her running partner, he was her friend and her lover.
She had a lover.
The knowledge made her giddy.
The memories of what he could and had done to her in the bedroom made her even giddier.
She didn’t let herself worry about the future or even try to define their relationship because she’d never been happier than she was with Jason.
Every morning that Alyssa woke beside him, she was grateful for everything she had. She’d hoped for one night. A few hours to finally rid herself of the virgin label that chafed like an ill-fitting bra. A few hours to feel desire and desired, to experience passion.
That one night turned into two and then three. Then days became weeks. She was on summer break from school but continued to work at Diggers’ and picked up additional shifts when they were offered. If she had to close the bar, Jason would meet her there, unwilling to spend even one night apart from her. Alyssa didn’t complain.
She did wonder about the changes that would come along with the end of summer—when he had more free time and she had less. So far, their relationship had been mostly fun and games—which was, she knew, the only kind of relationship he had.
But with every day that passed, every minute they were together, her feelings for him continued to grow. She loved being with him. She loved his company and companionship. She loved the intimacies they shared—the way he made her feel when he touched her and kissed her, when their bodies moved together.
But even though she knew she was teetering on the edge, her heart precariously balanced, she held herself back from falling in love with him. She was smarter than that, stronger than that. And when he decided it was over, she would be grateful for the experience he’d shared with her.
She wouldn’t be picking up pieces of a broken heart.
* * *
Three weeks after Matt’s wedding—after the first night he’d spent with Alyssa—Jay finally acknowledged that his life had drastically veered off the course he’d set. But it hadn’t happened that night. No, it was a process that had started months earlier—the first night that Alyssa kissed him.
It was crazy how much he wanted her. Never stopped wanting her. His friends weren’t wrong in claiming there was a pattern to his relationships, and this romance should have run its course long before now.
But Alyssa was unlike any other woman he’d ever known. She was interesting and fun, beautiful and passionate, and he couldn’t bring himself to contemplate the end of their relationship. He didn’t want to imagine a future without her in it.
That was when he finally recognized the truth that had been staring him in the eye for weeks. Alyssa was more than a temporary girlfriend, fake fiancée or current lover—she was the woman he loved.
Now he just had to convince her to give their pretend relationship a real chance for a happy ending.
* * *
On a Sunday afternoon, two weeks before the end of summer, Alyssa was weeding the flower garden in the backyard when a shadow suddenly blocked out the sun.
“Diego, this is a surprise.” She hadn’t heard a single word from him since she’d left California, so his appearance here now was definitely unexpected.
He smiled. “I was in Reno for a friend’s wedding and decided, since I was in the neighborhood, I’d stop by to see you.”
“Reno is two hundred and fifty miles away,” she noted. “That’s hardly in the neighborhood.”
“It’s a lot closer than Irvine,” he pointed out.
“True,” she acknowledged, wiping the dirt from her hands on the thighs of her jeans. Her hair was on top of her head in a haphazard ponytail, strands falling out around a face bare of makeup, and the scoop-neck T-shirt she wore dipped low between her breasts.
A few months earlier, she might have worried about her appearance. She certainly would have tugged at the neckline of her shirt to cover her scars. But being with Jason had helped her be a lot more comfortable in her own skin and a lot less concerned about the judgments of others.
Still, she couldn’t deny that this situation made her feel awkward and uncomfortable. She hadn’t invited Diego and she certainly didn’t want him here, but she could hardly turn him away without at least offering him a beverage after he’d come so far to see her. Unannounced and uninvited, but still...
“Can I get you a cold drink?” she asked.
“I’ll have a soda, if it’s not too much trouble,” he decided.
“Have a seat.” She gestured to the arrangement of wicker furniture. “I’ll be right back.”
She hurried inside and grabbed a cola for Diego and a bottle of water for herself. Then she took a few extra minutes to slice some cheese and set it on a plate with some crackers. Not that she wanted to encourage him to stay, but his family was close to hers and her mother would be appalled if Alyssa didn’t offer some basic hospitality. Then she added some grapes to the plate, because her grandmother’s lessons about presentation were as deeply ingrained as her mother’s about manners.
“It’s a long drive from Reno, and I thought you might be hungry,” she said, setting the plate down along with his cola.
“I didn’t realize I was until you put that out,” he said.
She sipped her water while he snacked and shared some of the highlights from the wedding he’d attended.
“What are your plans now?” she asked when he’d put his plate aside. “Are you staying with your cousin in Elko?”
“No. I stopped at the Dusty Boots Motel and booked a room on my way into town.”
“I spent a few nights there when I first came to Haven. It’s not fancy, but it’s clean and, until Liam Gilmore gets the old Stagecoach Inn open, it’s the only local option. Plus, the diner does a decent breakfast, so you can fuel up before you start back in the morning.”
“I was actually thinking I might stay in Nevada for a few more days,” he told her. “I didn’t get to see much of Haven—or you—on my last visit, and I’m hoping this time will be different.”
“Oh...um, I guess I could give you a quick tour of the town,” she offered.
“Or a not-so-quick tour,” he suggested hopefully.
Alyssa capped her water bottle and set it on the table as she considered what to say to him—and decided that, since subtlety hadn’t worked, she’d have to be blunt.
“Diego, if I ever said or did anything to mislead you, I sincerely apologize,” she said. “And if my mother gave you any hope of a romantic relationship between us, I’m sorry about that, too. You’re a terrific guy, really, but I don’t have any romantic feelings for you.”
He frowned at his cola. “This is because of that Jason guy, isn’t it?”
“Even if I wasn’t with Jason, I wouldn’t be with you,” she told him, trying for a gentle tone to dull the sharp edge of her words.
“I’ve been in love with you since I was fifteen,” Diego admitted.
“I believe you might have had a crush on me—”
“It’s more than that,” he insisted. “I dated other girls, of course, but my heart has always belonged to you—even if you didn’t know it. And when Renata invited me to the New Year’s Eve party, I knew that she wanted us to be together as much as I did.”
Alyssa couldn’t deny that was probably true, at least at the time, so she focused on the present. “But it wasn’t what I wanted. It’s not what I want.”
“You want Jason,” he said bitterly.
She wanted to make her own choices and live her own life, but if Diego needed a scapegoat, she wasn’t going to belabor the point. She just wanted him to go away so that she didn’t have to feel guilty about putting that wounded look on his face.
“When you were in California for your parents’ anniversary party, he told me that he’d asked you to marry him,” Diego continued. “And that you’d said yes.”
She nodded, not claiming the proposal had actually happened, but confirming his summary of the conversation.
“I commented then—and can’t help noticing now—that you’re not wearing a ring on your finger.”
“Which isn’t a big deal to anyone but you.”
“If he’s dragging his heels, that should be a warning that he’s not committed to the idea of marriage—or to you.”
“He hasn’t been dragging his heels,” she said. “We’re just not in a hurry to start making plans.”
“What aren’t we making plans for?” Jason asked.
Alyssa started at the sound of his voice.
She’d been so focused on trying to make Diego see the futility of his romantic dreams that she hadn’t heard Jason’s truck pull into the driveway.
“Your wedding,” Diego said in response to the question.
Jason moved over to where she was seated and bent to brush a light but lingering kiss on her lips. She knew it wasn’t a gesture of affection so much as a brand of possession, and the Neanderthal display should have put her back up. But as always happened whenever Jason kissed her, she melted just a little.
“I was thinking a Christmas wedding,” Jason said in a conversational tone. “But Alyssa wants to wear Valentina’s wedding dress, and the alterations might take some time.”
She was surprised that he knew about her desire to wear her grandmother’s gown, but that knowledge finally seemed to convince Diego that Jason was committed to his supposed bride-to-be despite the absence of a ring on her finger.
“You will be the most beautiful bride,” Diego said to Alyssa as he rose to his feet. “And I sincerely hope you only cry tears of joy on your wedding day.”
“He has a point,” Jason noted when the other man had gone.
“About what?” she wondered, shocked that he’d agree with Diego about anything.
“No one is ever going to believe that we’re planning to get married unless I put a ring on your finger.”
“Because we’re not actually planning to get married,” she pointed out.
“But maybe we should,” he said.
She stared at him, wary and a little concerned. “Did you fall off the rock wall and hit your head today?”
“I’m not concussed or brain damaged,” he assured her.
“Well, that’s the only explanation I can think of for those words to have come out of your mouth.”
“How about this one—I’ve fallen in love with you,” he suggested.