Forty minutes later, I sat on the couch, with my phone on the table in front of me. I had picked up the phone to dial Graham seventy-gazillion times and always chickened out before I hit the green ‘Call’ button.

Why was this so hard?

Fuck it. I needed to make this happen. I needed to be in charge. Without thinking, I hit his contact info, and then the green button, and held the phone to my ear, not giving myself time to hang up again.

One ring.

Two.

Three.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s me,” I said.

“Oh, hey, Bryant,” Graham said.

Why was he sounding surprised at all? Was I off his contact list?

I didn’t let myself get distracted. I was on a mission.

“How are you? I haven’t heard from you in a while,” I said.

I could hear someone—the TV, maybe—in the background.

There was a muffled sound as Graham said something away from the phone, and then he came back.

Someone, then.

“Yes, I know. I told you I needed time.”

“I think that a heads up would have been nice,” I said. Easy, I told myself.

“Well, you’re right. I haven’t wanted to call, but I’m glad you did,” Graham said.

He was so blunt and honest. Even when it was uncomfortable, it was one of the things I appreciated and loved about him.

“Why is that?” I asked.

The noises in the background faded as though he’d walked into another room. I wondered, again, because I’d lost track of how many times I’d wondered this, where he was staying. And with whom.

“Because I have been thinking about us, a lot. Even though I haven’t shared that with you, I haven’t been ignoring your request.”

I couldn’t tell where this was going. “I’m glad you have,” I said. “Have you come to any decisions?”

He sighed. “Yes, I have. I love you, and part of me will always love you. I can’t marry you, though.”

“Why not? You said yes before!” Now I was angry.

“Because I thought you’d finally seen the light.” Graham was no slouch in the taking up for himself department, and he fired back at me. “You didn’t see the light, Bry. You let me, once again, shine the light on you, and on us, and then lead you, practically by the hand, to the way to get through it all. You don’t do any of the emotional work on your own. I have to do it all. If we married, it would be the same as it’s always been. Me nagging, you finally giving in, and then expecting to be the hero for succumbing to the nagging spouse.”

He stopped and took a breath. When he spoke again, he was calmer.

“I don’t want that. I don’t want that for you, and I sure as hell don’t want that for me. Whatever is going on with you, I deserve better. And that’s the direction I’m heading now.”

“You had this all lined up,” I said before I could stop myself.

“Does it matter?” He was cool.

Which meant I was right.

“No, you’re right. It doesn’t matter. I’m sorry to have bothered you, but I’m glad this is out in the open,” I retreated to my professional mien.

“I’m glad you called. I wasn’t comfortable with this hanging around, and I… well, I hadn’t worked up the courage to call you.”

My heart nearly broke. This was the Graham I knew, the one I loved.

“I understand,” I said quietly. I was afraid to say more. I might burst into tears.

There was a noise in the background again, a voice. One voice.

I heard Graham whisper something.

But not to me.

“Listen, this is awkward as hell, and I am really sorry. But I’m glad you called. I have always been honest with you.”

“Thank you. I won’t call again,” I said.

“Okay. But you can call if you want. Take care of yourself, Bry.”

As he put down the phone, I could hear the voice more clearly, and it was a man’s voice.

I hit the red button, letting the phone fall to the couch, and letting the tears finally come.

I lay awake all night, replaying the conversation in my head.

He’d dumped me by phone. Using my nickname, like we were still… something. With another guy hanging around, like a fly near the flypaper.

It was over.

It was totally, completely over.

What the hell had happened?