Sweat trickles down my spine, and my muscles scream in protest as I collide with the mat again. Jesus, I thought Rafael might go easier on me than Carlos. He isn’t. He’s brutal. I shove to my feet, my chest heaving and my hair falling from its braid. Rafael cracks his neck from side to side, and I swallow heavily as the thick muscles of his body roll and flex ominously. I swear he only took his shirt off to scare me more.

“Faster, avecita. You have to be small and fast because you’ll never be stronger.” He comes at me, and I panic, the same as the last twenty times when he came at me. I dodge to the side, but not fast enough. His tree trunk of an arm collides with my chest as his foot sweeps my legs out from underneath me. I hit the mat with a thud, the air rushing from my lungs. This time, he lands on top of me, pinning both my wrists beside my head.

“Now I have you, little warrior.” There’s not even a trace of fear. Since that day when he asked for my trust, I’ve given it to him without question. And it’s so freeing. I’ve stopped thinking about the possibilities of what might be and started to live in the moment—because Rafael is safe. He’s always safe. He’s exactly what I need because he always knows what I need better than I do.

My chest heaves, my pulse racing as I try to recover from all the physical exertion he’s put me through. He’s not even sweating. He looks as cool and calm as he always does. He drags his nose up the length of my neck, a low groan slipping from his throat.

“Did you just smell me?” I ask, fighting a smile. “Do you have a head injury?”

He chuckles. “No head injury. You smell incredible.”

I wrinkle my nose. “Gross, Rafe. I’m all sweaty.”

His teeth scrape over his bottom lip, his dark eyes flashing. “Exactly.” His lips brush my neck, and I instinctively twist my head to the side, granting him more access. His tongue swipes the length of my throat, and I shiver.

“You’re supposed to be teaching me how to fight.” My voice comes out sounding breathy and strained.

“You need a break.” His teeth pinch my jaw, and my breath hitches. His lips move over my neck, my jaw, and then the corner of my mouth until he’s kissing me. His bare skin meets the exposed strip of flesh between my sports bra and my pants, red-hot and yet sending goosebumps tearing over every inch of my body. He presses between my legs, and I invite it: his attention, his possession. I tiptoe along the tightrope of Rafael’s restraint; waiting to fall off, yet knowing he will never truly let me tumble to the ground. He’ll always catch me. It’s that trust, that simple knowledge that opens the gate to all these foreign feelings. A strange tingling settles in my gut, warmth permeating me to my very core. Under his teasing kisses, a swarm of butterflies takes flight in my chest, fragile wings beating against my ribcage like a primordial drumbeat. Rafe’s fingers slip from my wrists, trailing down my arms, leaving sparks in their wake. He’s kissed me before. I’ve always wanted it before. This is different though. This is more; a longing, a need I can’t identify.

My hands fly to his back, my nails digging into rock-hard flesh as his tongue caresses mine.

“Anna,” he growls.

This feeling is eating away at me, a pressure that’s building until I’m restless. “I want you,” I blurt. I don’t really know what I’m saying or what I’m doing. I don’t know what I want, except him. I want everything that is Rafael. His brutality, his ruthlessness, his corruption, his tenderness, and the way he can make me feel safe and cherished with just a look. This man who should terrify me has become everything.

He drops his forehead to my chest. “Do you trust me?” He asks, his voice tight. I nod, and he glances at me. “Words, avecita. I need words.”

“Yes, you know I do.” I don’t know how many times I have to tell him.

“Look at me,” he orders. I look right at him, into those bottomless dark eyes. His fingers trail down my sides before sliding beneath the material of my yoga pants. My breaths quicken along with my heartbeat as his hands slide down, over my hips, down my thighs, taking the material with them. Panic starts to rise like a wave, threatening to consume me. But like the life raft that he is, Rafe pulls me from the cold depths of my memories. “Focus on me, Anna.”

He finally removes my yoga pants, and I lay there, muscles tight, anticipation lingering on the edge of fear as his huge body towers over me.

Stroking over my face, he places a soft kiss to my forehead. “I love you.” Thump-thump, thump-thump. My heart splutters raggedly. “Remember that.” As I look into his eyes, I feel it, the unbreakable bond snapping tight between us. Me, the girl he unwittingly saved, and him, my most unlikely salvation. I feel it, real and tangible, reaching out across the air between us, licking over my skin, warm and inviting. Love. Need. Belonging. I haven’t felt it in so long I’d almost forgotten what it feels like.

For a second he just watches me, his fingers tracing feather-light touches over my exposed skin. He kisses me, his lips strong and coaxing. Slowly, I relax into him, the tension in my muscles dissipating. Pulling back, he watches me carefully before dropping his lips to my neck and swiping his tongue over my collarbone. He places gentle kisses over my chest and my stomach. I close my eyes and bask in the simple sensation of his warm breaths skating over my skin. Fingertips whisper down my thighs before trailing back up the inside. The higher they go, the less relaxed I become.

His lips hit the inside of my thigh, and I tense. “You said you trust me.” He kisses me gently.

“I do,” I say, although my voice sounds shaky and unsure even to my own ears.

I glance down at him, his face practically between my thighs. His fingers travel higher and higher. My chest tightens with each creeping inch, and when his fingers skim the rim of my underwear, I flinch. I’m right there, teetering on the edge of wanting to be brave, normal… and buckling under the strain of years of engrained fear. If he touches me… Nothing good has ever come from anyone touching me there.

He pauses. “It’s me, avecita. No one else.”

I nod, listening to his voice but staring at the ceiling. It takes everything in me to remain here with him. “I know.”

“I want to show you something.” I glance down at him again. A wicked smirk dances over his lips and I narrow my eyes at him. “But I still need you to ask…”

“What?”

“I’ll never touch you unless you ask.”

“Rafael, I… I don’t—.”

He turns his face and kisses my thigh again. “You want something you’ve never had before because you feel something right now you’ve never felt.” His tongue traces a wet line up my thigh, and I tremble. “You want it. You’re just scared. Ask me, avecita.” His gaze meets mine again. “Trust me to know what you need.”

My heart thrums so fast it feels as though it’s going to rip out of my chest and take off. “Touch me.” As soon as the words slip from my mouth, I feel like I’m going to be sick. My fists clench tight, my nails cutting into my palms. He’s going to touch me, with his face that close. Watching, seeing everything. I want to run from him. I want to run to him. I want to fight this fear while allowing it to consume me. His finger brushes over me through my underwear and a sharp breath leaves me, every muscle in my body screaming with tension. My mind blinks, reaching for that untouchable place that has saved me for most of my life.

“Look at me, Anna,” he demands. I lift my head and look at him resting there, his face so close. Hot breaths blow over me, and I bite the inside of my cheek. I watch as he shoves my panties to the side and puts his mouth on me. His mouth! Embarrassment washes over me, and I try to back away from him, but his hands wrap around my thighs, holding me in place.

“Rafael.” His name comes out on a raspy moan as his mouth elicits sensations I’ve never felt before.

He groans against me, his fingers digging into the flesh of my thighs. I fall back against the mat and wait for the fear and the anguish, followed by the void of nothingness. But it never comes. He doesn’t allow it. Rafael tears me apart with nothing more than a lash of his tongue. The world as I know it crumbles to dust before my eyes like a veil being ripped away. My body trembles and quakes as tears track down my temples. Long buried roots are torn from the ground, and I suddenly find myself free, weightlessly floating away. As if he knows exactly what I need, his hands slip from my thighs, and he winds his fingers through mine, holding me together as he shatters everything I thought I knew.

“Rafe.” I choke out his name, a plea in some form, but I don’t know whether I’m begging him to stop or keep going. Something is building deep inside me like a tsunami heading straight for dry land: unstoppable and forceful. My pulse hammers against my eardrums and my lungs scream for air as my vision dots. In a single breath, everything implodes, and everything I once was explodes outwards in a kaleidoscope of beautiful color. Wave after wave of pleasure washes over my body, lulling me with each passing second. And then it all stops. I close my eyes, needing the temporary reprieve of my own head. The pounding of my pulse quiets until I can hear my own rasping breaths. My body quakes as I try desperately to locate all the fractured little pieces of my mind. It was simple. Everything was simple. Good and bad. Lines drawn very clearly in the sand. And now…

“Anna.” Rafael’s fingers trail gently over my cheek, and I’m hyper-aware of him. The sound of his steady breaths—the heat radiating from his body. “Look at me,” he whispers.

I bite my bottom lip. “I can’t.”

He huffs a small laugh, his lips brushing over the corner of my mouth. “Look at me.” On a deep breath, I open my eyes. I wish the ground would open up and swallow me. “Stop,” he orders.

“Stop what?”

“You look like you just did something awful.” I can’t help this sick feeling niggling at my gut.

“I don’t know what I did. What we did…”

He cocks a brow. “It’s called an orgasm, avecita.” He flashes me a cocky grin and winks before pushing to his feet. He offers me his hand, and I take it, allowing him to pull me up. He tilts his head to the side, watching me in that predatory way of his. He grabs my face, tilting my head back. “Why are you ashamed? You taste amazing.” I blush even harder, and he laughs, kissing my forehead. “You’re so fucking innocent, but I’m going to corrupt you, avecita. Piece by piece. And you’ll like it.”

I did like it, every bit as much as I hated it. Two sides of the same coin. Anything sexual will always be accompanied by shame. Why would he want to do that? Why would he put his mouth on me? I’m tainted and dirty. It always comes back to why would he want me? Why would he say he loves me? Trust him.

“I…” I grab my yoga pants and yank them on. “I need to go.” I rush towards the door with Rafael calling my name behind me, but I don’t stop. I need air. I need space. I need a minute to try and balance who I am and who I was because right now, the two are fighting for space in my head. I’m a messy concoction of them both like pieces of thread so impossibly knotted together that you’ll never truly be able to pull them apart. But I want to. God, I want to.