I wake up to the feel of warm breath over my back. Fingers trail over my arm so gently that goosebumps rise on my skin. I roll over, blinking my eyes open to find Rafael watching me. His hair is a mess, and his eyes are bloodshot as though he’s been awake most of the night. I can smell the faint waft of whiskey on his breath. I lift my hand, tracing my thumb over the dark shadows lingering beneath his eyes. 

“You need to sleep.”

“I can’t. Everything is broken.” He takes my hand and brushes his lips over my knuckles. “Everything except this.” I’ve never seen him look so defeated.

I shift closer to him. “Then just pretend nothing else exists for a minute.”

He cups my cheek, his eyes studying my face as though committing it to memory. “I wish I could.”

Something is very wrong. I can feel it, like the hand of death reaching from him to me. “Rafe?”

“Nero and Una are leaving today.”

“Okay…”

He closes his eyes for a moment, his lips pressing into a tight line. “You should go with them,” he says, so quietly I can’t be sure I heard him right.

“What?”

“You heard me. You aren’t safe here. I’ve been selfish—”

“No.” I sit bolt upright, my heart racing in my chest as I stare down at him. “What happened to Maria…I’m sorry, but—”

“Dominges isn’t stopping.” He cuts me off, his voice cold and distanced. “Nero and Una no longer have the Russians to contend with…” He rolls onto his back and drags both hands through his hair. “You’ll be safe there.”

“For how long? Surely there will be retribution for Nicholai? He’s part of the Bratva.”

“Nero will ensure their drug and gun supply resumes. They aren’t going to get in a fight over one man when their business is back on track.”

“So, that’s it. You just give up?” He says nothing and any sense of calm dissipates. Anger rises to the surface, driven by the pain of his rejection. I slap his chest. “No. You don’t get to just pick me up and drop me when you feel like it.” I slap him again and again until my palm stings and tears blind me. I go to strike him again, and he finally lets out a feral growl, grabbing my throat and forcing me onto my back. His weight falls on top of me, crushing me against the mattress. 

“This isn’t me dropping you. This is me protecting you. This is me doing the right thing because I fucking love you. More than anyone or anything.” He’s so close that his lips brush mine. “I will not open another box to find your head in it. I can’t.” His voice breaks. “So, please don’t make this harder than it already is.”

“What about what I want?” I choke. “Doesn’t that matter?”

He sighs, stroking his fingers lovingly over my cheek.  “No. Because you’re not safe here.”

“I’m safe with you,” I whisper.

He lets out a humorless laugh. “I’m sure Maria thought the same.” And with those few words, I know I’ve lost him. He’s blinded by grief, and he’s scared. I can see it in his eyes. If someone can get to Maria, they can get to me, but I don’t care. The thought of leaving him has an empty void opening up in my chest. I can’t. I won’t survive it.

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, my voice breaking right along with my heart because I know what’s coming. “I need you.”

“No, you don’t.” His gaze traces over my face. 

I grip a handful of his hair, wishing I could hold him to me. “I love you,” I breathe.

“I love you too, more than you know. You can come back when it’s safe.” But he doesn’t believe that, and if what he says is true, it’ll never be safe. 

“What happened to ride or die?” I ask, my voice breaking.

He closes his eyes for a moment and then opens them again. “I won’t watch you die, avecita. I know what it feels like to lose you.”

My heart feels as though it’s being cleaved in two. This isn’t a fight I’m going to win. I know Rafael. I can see he’s decided, and there will be no going back. Tears sting my eyes, and I rush to the bathroom before he can see them fall. 

I turn the shower on, allowing the sound of the cascading water to drown out my sobs. It hurts. So much. But I’ve survived far worse than this. I try to remember the girl I was before him, the hard, broken girl with no hope. She was miserable and fractured, but her heart was her own, and that made her untouchable. Staring at my reflection in the mirror, I focus on that feeling, the pain, the rejection…and I shove it down deep. I reach for that part of myself, that numb absence, the complete lack of feeling. It’s harder than I thought it would be without some form of abuse to induce it. Why abandon me now though, when I’m in the most pain? Closing my eyes, I do something I rarely do; I recall my past. Every horrible act, every disgusting man. That cold indifference falls over my mind like a blanket: protective and comforting, and I cling to it. 

Rafael just closed his palm around the fragile little ember of my heart. He snuffed me out, and now I’m left with nothing but the cold and the dark.

* * *

Una is waiting by the front door when I walk down the stairs. Her eyes flick over my face, her brows pulling together. 

“Where’s Rafael?” she asks. 

Pain lances through my chest, threatening my impenetrable bubble. “I don’t know.” I walk past her and open the front door. 

“Anna!” I glance over my shoulder and find Lucas. “You’re leaving?”

I nod. “I’m going to New York with my sister.”

“You weren’t going to say goodbye?” He looks so hurt. 

“I’m saying it now.” 

He throws his arms around my waist and pulls me close. “You’re coming back, right?”

“Maybe.” I know I won’t be though. It hurts too much.

“I’ll miss you,” he whispers and releases me. Emotion threatens to break loose, and I know I can’t handle it, so I offer him a small smile and turn away.

It’s when I pull the car door open and glance back at the house that I see Rafael lingering at one of the first-floor windows. Our eyes lock, his swimming with untold pain, and the hole in my chest rips wide open. A barrage of emotions presses in on my bubble like thousands of bees, stinging over and over again.

He asked me to trust him, and I fought so hard to give him every grain of myself. Only for him to destroy me. I close my eyes and tears break free, tracking down my cheeks. Turning away, I get in the car.

Una gets in behind me, sparing me a brief glance. “Let’s go home.”

Home. Rafael was my home.

To be continued…