“I can’t go in there.” I pointed toward the church.

“Come on, baby. We have to.” Suzy grabbed my hand and squeezed.

I shook my head and stared at the ground. “I just can’t, Suzy. That’s my brother in there.”

“Joe.” She straightened my tie and peered up at me. “You’re strong. You can do this. Just breathe. Everyone is waiting for us.”

I rested my head on hers and tried to control my breathing. “How am I supposed to look at him in a—” I couldn’t even say the word.

“We have to do this. Do it for him and for your family.”

I still hadn’t gotten over the trauma of the entire experience. I was always the strong one. The one who never crumpled under pressure, but watching my brother take a bullet had changed me.

I wiped my face and shook out my hands before I pulled on the collar of my suit. “I can’t breathe in this fucking thing.”

She popped open the top button and loosened my tie. “Better?” she asked, giving me a sorrowful smile.

I pressed my lips to her forehead and let her smell and feel calm me. I couldn’t walk in the door of the church without her. “Yeah.”

“Come on, baby.” She wrapped her arms around my back and ushered me toward the doors to the church.

I walked slowly, unable to take my eyes off Thomas’s lifeless body. His pale face devoid of emotion and lying motionless in the casket made my heart seize and beat out of rhythm.

I wanted to wrap my hands around the neck of the bastard that did this to our entire family and watch them gasp for their last breath, begging for mercy they wouldn’t receive.

My mother wept in the front pew, dabbing her eyes and staring straight at her son. “I just can’t,” she whispered as I sat down next to her. My father held her hand so tightly that both of their fingers had turned white.

I put one arm around Suzy’s shoulders and the other around my mother’s. This was the same church where Suzy and I were married and each of my siblings had said their vows. So many happy memories in a place filled with so much sorrow. I held them tighter, bringing them closer to me as I stared at Thomas, unable to take my eyes off of him.

The priest walked out and made the sign of the cross before beginning to speak. I tuned out, unable to listen. I sat in silence, holding my ladies and thinking about all the stupid shit I’d done in my life that could’ve put me in the casket instead.

I wasted so much of my youth acting like a fool, feeling invincible, without a care in the world. How quickly my life could’ve ended never entered my mind. I certainly didn’t think about how it would’ve affected my family.

Suzy settled me down.

She grounded me.

I never had anything to lose until I had her and my girls.

I glanced over at Angel, sitting on the other side of my father. She was frozen, her eyes glued to her husband. Silent tears streamed down her face, stopping near her open lips before falling off her chin.

The mass was a blur. I didn’t hear anything the priest said or James’s speech about Thomas. None of it mattered.

When everyone in the pews stood, I did too. When they knelt, so did I. I followed their motions like a robot lacking all emotion. There was something mechanical about the motions. I’d shed too many tears in the last week—so much sorrow that my heart couldn’t bear another moment without bursting.

When everyone started to murmur and file out of the church, our row finally stood and followed. There were no words that could be spoken, no more emotions left to give.

I hung back with Sam, James, Mike, Anthony, Bear, Morgan, Frisco, and Tank to carry the casket and place him in the hearse to head to the cemetery.

When the front doors closed and the church was empty, we all breathed a sigh of relief.

“Do you think they fucking bought it?” James asked, peering down at Thomas.

His eyes opened and he grimaced when he sat up. “I hope so.” He climbed out, holding on to the edge because he was still weak and sore from the surgery. “I had a cockroach crawling on me for the last thirty minutes. I don’t ever want to go through that shit again.”

“You’re a tool,” Mike muttered and punched him in the arm.

“Why does everyone look so damn sad?” Thomas stretched and cracked his neck. “It’s not like your asses were pretending to be dead.”

Even though it was a ruse, it still sucked. Seeing my brother lying there, even if he was alive, was harder than I thought possible.

“Even though you were pretending, it didn’t make it any easier, ass wipe.” Anthony closed the lid to the casket and started to buckle the locks.

“All that matters is that the leftover assholes from the MC think I’m dead.”

“I think Ma’s cries and Angel’s weeping were enough to sell it to any jury.”

“Good.” Thomas laid his hand on top of the coffin. “I’m happy you’re not burying me today. I’m not done raising a little hell yet.”

“I plan to grow old with you, brother,” I told him and nudged him in the shoulder.

“Now, go before anyone gets suspicious. I’ll hang with Father O’Toole until tonight and head back to the house when we know the coast is clear.”

“You have to lay low for at least a week, Thomas. The guys and I will handle work. You just recover.”

“I plan to do nothing but stay in bed. Scout’s honor.” He made the sign of the cross over his heart, but we all knew he was full of shit.

“Let’s go.” I grabbed the handle, waiting for everyone else to do the same. We lifted it in unison and carried it to the doorway, leaving Thomas behind us.

I glanced over my shoulder as he disappeared behind the altar. When the doors swung open and we saw the rear of the hearse open and waiting, we all pretended that the coffin was heavier and that my brother was still inside. After we set it down and the mortician moved it inside, we headed toward our cars and our waiting family.

“I think the coast is clear,” James said, sliding in next to me.

“That was so hard,” Ma said, dabbing her cheeks. “I don’t know if I can do that again at the cemetery.”

“You can do it, Mar.” Pop held her close and kissed her temple. “It’s almost over.”

“Seeing Thomas in that casket, even knowing that he wasn’t dead, almost broke me, Sal.”

“I know, baby, but he’s okay. We’re all okay.” Pop looked at me, giving me a sheepish smile.

Suzy curled into my side and placed her hand over my heart. “Life isn’t boring in this family. I’m just happy everyone is okay.” She smiled up at me and I smiled back.

“I know, sugar. I love you,” I told her, covering her hand with mine.

“I love you too, Joe.” She rested her head on my shoulder and closed her eyes.

I couldn’t help but think about how close we’d come to this being a real funeral. I realized how much I liked boring. I wanted it. The adrenaline rush of people chasing me had worn off.

I was ready for it all to disappear.

Maybe now that the members of the Sun Devils MC thought Thomas was dead and another member of their crew was gone, we could live in peace.