Tuesday afternoon I sat in the middle of my bed, staring at my phone. Mom was downstairs, attempting to handle the few accounts she was able to access from home. She’d told me this morning that she had talked to Dad. It was the first time she’d brought him up since he’d been at the hospital.
She’d told me that he was going to make an effort to be more present, whatever the hell that meant.
I wasn’t expecting anything to be different. Dad would sporadically call and I wouldn’t answer. Nearly dying changed a lot of things, but not that.
Glancing at the space on the bed beside me, I thought about last night. I had no idea what time Sebastian had left, because I’d fallen asleep by then. All I knew was that when I woke up this morning, he was gone.
Things will eventually be better.
Would they? When I first woke up this morning, before the fog of sleep completely cleared, I could almost believe that they would. Until I shifted and pain shot across my chest.
I’d thought that maybe things were better, until I remembered that my friends were dead.
Until I remembered that I could’ve kept them alive.
Sucking in a sharp breath, I winced as a burning sensation arced across my ribs. I swallowed hard, growing uneasy and restless.
Coach Rogers had called this morning. I hadn’t known it was him until Mom brought the phone to me, and at that point there was no way I could turn the call down.
I had taken it with a trembling hand, my stomach knotted in dread. Coach was strict. Girls had been kicked off the team for far less than what I’d been involved in.
I rubbed my hand over my forehead. Coach had asked how I was feeling and I told him I was getting better. He’d asked about my arm, and I said that it could be several weeks before I got the cast removed.
He was up front about my position, and I was surprised when he told me that he expected to see me at the practices and at the games. I was shocked when he said I still had a spot on the team.
That was not how I’d expected the call to go.
Coach was going to move in one of the girls from the junior team and play it by ear. I thought I might’ve said okay.
He didn’t ask about Megan or the guys.
Part of me wondered if my mom had said something to him, because how could he not bring up Megan? She was such an important part of the team, better than our captain. Megan would land a spot on a college team.
Would have.
Megan would have landed a spot. The call ended with Coach telling me to take care of myself and that he expected to see me next week. When I hung up, Mom took the phone and I just sat, staring at my own phone, knowing there were unopened texts and unheard voice mails. But I couldn’t think about those—I could think only about what Coach had said.
He wanted me on the team, but I...I couldn’t picture myself doing it. Traveling with the team and sitting on the bench, pretending like I hadn’t started playing volleyball because of Megan. Pretending that it was okay that she was no longer there.
My gaze fell to the knee pads in my closet, and I knew right then.
I slipped off the bed and shuffled over to them. I braced my bad arm against my ribs as I bent down and snatched them off the floor. I tossed them into the back of the closet, beyond the books and the jeans. I closed the door and stepped back.
I wouldn’t need them again.
* * *
Saturday morning Lori sat on the kitchen table, her feet on the seat of a chair. If Mom was home, she’d be losing her mind, but she was out running a thousand errands. Normally Lori didn’t come home on the weekends, since it was quite the hike from Radford to Clearbrook, but Mom didn’t want me left alone, afraid my lungs would deflate or something.
Two weeks from sustaining a life-threatening injury and, for the most part, my body was starting to feel normal. I was winded easily and my ribs and arm ached nearly every second of the day, but the bruises on my face had faded and my jaw no longer hurt.
And I was alive.
I was currently walking circles around the kitchen table, partly because I was now supposed to be up and moving as much as possible and partly because I was having a problem staying seated. Walking jarred the ribs, but it was the kind of pain I was getting used to.
Lori was peeling an orange and the citrusy scent filled the kitchen. “So, did you know Dad is still in town?”
I stopped, halfway between the fridge and the sink. Mom had mentioned that she’d talked to him, not that he was still in town. I’d assumed he’d gone back to Seattle. “What?”
“Yep.” She dropped the peel on a paper towel beside her. “He’s staying at one of the hotels that have suites. You know, the kind for, like, extended stays or something.”
“How long is he staying?”
A shrug. “Don’t know. I’m meeting him for dinner tonight. You should come.”
I laughed and immediately regretted it. The laugh hurt. “I’ll pass. Thanks.”
Lori rolled her eyes as she carved out a slice. “That’s not nice.”
Walking again, I ignored that comment. “How does he afford to stay in a hotel? That’s got to get expensive.”
“He’s doing okay,” she replied. “And he’s been saving up money. You’d know that if you actually talked to him.”
“Oh, so he’s doing well enough to afford to stay in a hotel for an extended time?” Irritated, I stopped at the fridge and grabbed a soda. “That’s swell.”
Lori popped the final piece of orange in her mouth and looked at me. “And Mom isn’t doing that bad either.”
“It hasn’t been easy,” I shot back. “You know that.”
I walked into the living room and turned on the TV. Easing down on the couch, I started flipping through the channels. Lori followed me into the living room, but before she could sit, there was a knock on the front door.
“I’ll get it.” She pivoted and disappeared into the small foyer.
It couldn’t be Sebastian. He’d come over every night—Every. Night.—since Monday, but he should still be at football practice. Every. Night.
“She’s in here,” I heard Lori say.
A second later, Dary came through the archway into the living room. “Hey.” She waved. “I’m bored.”
My lips twitched into a small grin that felt weird, and I realized that I hadn’t smiled since...since that Saturday night. “So you decided to come over?”
“Yep.” She sat down in the armchair. “I’m so bored I thought I’d come over and—” she squinted at the TV “—watch the Battle of Antietam with you.”
Lori snorted as she sat down on the couch. “You’re gonna wish you stayed home.”
“Not likely.” Dary curled her legs under her. “Mom wants to organize closets. You might think I’m exaggerating, but no, I’m not. She was waiting with a list when I got home. So, I lied and told her that I had to help you with schoolwork. I walked over here, which, by the way, why is it so damn hot in September?”
“Global warming.” Lori picked up the remote and muted the TV. “Where’s Abbi?”
I winced. Abbi had stopped by only once since Monday, on Wednesday. She hadn’t stayed long, leaving Dary here. She hadn’t texted or called.
“She’s with her parents,” Dary said. “They’re doing something today.”
I said nothing to that because I knew it was a lie. Her mom always worked Saturdays at the hospital, and the way things had been going for her parents, I doubted they were having a family day.
The banana I ate earlier soured in my stomach. Abbi didn’t want to see me and there were so many reasons why she probably felt that way. I couldn’t blame her for any of them.
“Are you starting school on Monday or Tuesday?” Dary asked.
“I saw the doc yesterday. He wants me to come back in Monday morning, and if everything checks out fine like he thinks, I’ll start on Tuesday.”
Dary ran her hand through her short hair. “I bet you’re ready to get back to school.”
“Not really,” I murmured. A ball of dread formed.
She frowned. “Really? I’d be going stir-crazy by now and you actually like school.”
I was going a little stir-crazy and I did like school, but school meant I had to face everyone and—
“Everyone is excited to see you,” Dary said, obviously reading my hesitation. “So many people have been asking how you’re doing. A lot of people have been thinking about you.”
I took a sip of my soda as I thought about that card Sebastian had brought me. It was still on my desk, in its brown bag. “It just won’t... It won’t feel the same without them there.” I admitted a tiny truth of what I’d been thinking. Just like I had with Sebastian on Monday night, telling him I didn’t want to go back to school.
Dary lowered her gaze and her shoulders rose with a deep breath. “It’s not. It’s really not, but...it’s getting easier.”
It was?
She drew in another breath, and when she spoke, her voice shook. “Anyway, are you caught up on schoolwork?”
Welcoming the change of subject, I relaxed. “Pretty much. It’s just mostly reading assignments and quick worksheets.”
“That’s good. At least you don’t have to be overwhelmed with trying to get caught up.” She rested her elbow on the arm of the chair. “So how are things going with Sebastian?”
Lori snorted yet again. “He practically lives here now.”
I shot her a dark look. “No, he doesn’t.”
“I thought it was bad before,” my sister continued, ignoring me. “Like having a damn brother in the house. But now he’s here all the time.”
Dary laughed.
“You’re not even here all the time,” I pointed out. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Isn’t it time for you to do your inhaler?” she quipped, grinning.
I rolled my eyes. “I don’t even know why you’re asking me how things are going with Sebastian.”
Dary was the one to make the piglet noise now. “Come on, Lena. Just because I wasn’t home for a week doesn’t mean I don’t know about the kiss and the argument at the...” She stopped for a second, and I stiffened. She recovered with a shake of her head. “Abbi filled me in.”
It was probably a good thing that Abbi wasn’t here, because I sort of wanted to smack her upside the back of the head.
“Wait.” Lori sat forward, staring at me. “You kissed Sebastian?”
I opened my mouth.
“Yeah,” Dary answered for me. “At the lake, supposedly.”
“About damn time.” Lori sat back, grinning. “Oh my God, wait until I see him again. I’m so—”
“Don’t say anything to him. Please, Lori. It was a... I don’t know. It wasn’t supposed to happen. He didn’t kiss me. It was just a random thing that kind of happened—”
“Kissing someone is not something that just happens, you know.” Lori tilted her head to the side. “Pretty sure you know that.”
“Abbi said you two kind of got into it after he threw you in the pool or something? You were supposed to tell her about it later.” Dary planted her cheek on her fist. “What did you guys get into it about? And come on, I know you admitted to Abbi and...and Megan that you like him like him, and we all already knew that.”
“Nothing really.” I sighed, eyeing the room for an escape. It felt weird, wrong even, talking about Sebastian after what had happened. But both of them were staring at me and waiting like it didn’t feel weird to them at all. “When he threw me in the pool, I thought he was going to kiss me. I got mad and walked away. I was talking to...to Cody,” I said, losing my breath at the sharp slice of pain in my chest. “And he came up, and I don’t even know how we started arguing. He said something. I said something back, and then I admitted that I thought he was going to kiss me, but then Skylar came over, and I walked away.”
I paused, glancing at Dary. “He told me that he and Skylar aren’t back together.”
“Doesn’t appear to be to me. He doesn’t hang with her at school,” she said, looking to the ceiling. Her lips pursed. “I’ve seen her going up to him, though. He doesn’t look thrilled, you know? Like he’s being polite but is in desperate need of his best friend forever, also known as Lena, to swoop in and rescue him.”
She grinned when I shook my head.
“Wait a second. Let’s back up a second. You kissed him, right?” Lori asked. “Does Mom know? Because if you think she doesn’t know he sneaks into your bedroom at 1:00 a.m., then you got another think coming.”
My eyes widened. “She knows about that?”
Lori laughed like she thought I needed to be patted on the head. “I think she has her suspicions.”
Oh.
That probably wasn’t good.
“You two are going to get married one day and it’s going to be so cute it’s gross,” Dary announced.
“I don’t know about that,” I protested, lifting my good arm. “Can we not talk about this?”
“I did have another reason for coming over.” Dary straightened her glasses. “I was wondering if you wanted to go to the cemetery... I can drive your car.” She glanced over at my sister. “Or maybe Lori can drive us?”
I blanched as pressure clamped down on my chest. Go to the cemetery? To see Cody’s and Phillip’s graves? Megan’s and Chris’s? The soil would still be disturbed. Grass wouldn’t have grown over it.
“I don’t know.” Lori was watching me. “It’s pretty hot outside and that’s a long walk at the cemetery. I don’t think she’s ready for all of that.”
Dary appeared to accept the excuse, which was partly true, at least.
She stayed for a couple of hours longer and then left, promising to text me later.
“Thank you,” I said to Lori after she’d shut the door. “For the cemetery thing.”
She nodded absently, her face pinched. “You aren’t ready to do that, and I’m not talking just physically.”
I picked up a throw pillow and clutched it to my chest, knowing she was right.
“You won’t even talk about Megan or the guys.” She walked close to the couch. “You won’t talk about the accident or anything. I knew you wouldn’t want to go to their graves.”
Graves. I hated that word. It was cold and barren.
“You know you’ve got to eventually.” Lori sat next to me and kicked her bare feet up on the coffee table. “You need to. It’s closure. Or something.”
I nodded. “I know. I just...” A knot twisted deep in my stomach. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Do you think what happened is really an accident?”
Her brows knitted. “What do you mean?”
“It’s hard to explain but...is it really an accident? I mean, Cody was... He was drinking and driving.” I held the pillow close. “If he’d survived, couldn’t he be charged with vehicular manslaughter or something?”
“I guess.”
“Then how is it really an accident?” And shouldn’t I be charged with something because I hadn’t been drunk? I didn’t voice that. “To me, an accident is something that couldn’t be prevented. This could’ve been.”
Lori tipped her head back against the cushion. “I get what you’re saying, but I...I don’t know what to say. He didn’t intend to lose control and wreck. He didn’t intend to kill anyone and hurt you, but he did. Actions have consequences, right?”
“So does inaction,” I murmured.
She was quiet for a moment. “Mom told me.”
I tensed.
A heartbeat passed. “She told me they checked your blood-alcohol level when you came into the hospital, when they did the rest of the tests. The doctors said you weren’t drunk. There was nothing in your system.”
Closing my eyes, I swallowed hard.
“What happened, Lena?” She twisted toward me, drawing one leg up. “You can talk to me, you know? I’m not going to judge you. It will help you to talk.”
I opened my mouth. The desire to tell her was almost overwhelming. But she would judge me. She had to.
So I said nothing.