Sebastian stared at me like I’d spoken in tongues. “Okay,” he said finally. “Maybe I should’ve asked you first. I might’ve gotten a little ahead of myself—”
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to ask someone if they want to be your girlfriend.”
The corner of his lips quirked. “Will you be my girlfriend, Lena?” he asked in a sweet, teasing way.
My heart leaped in my chest like it was jumping on a trampoline. How long had I waited to hear that question? Years. Honest to God, years. And now he was asking, after everything that had happened?
I shook my head. “I can’t.”
“You can’t what?”
“I can’t be your girlfriend.”
For a moment Sebastian didn’t move, and then he sat up in one quick fluid move. “Are you being serious?”
“Yes.” I walked around the bed, knocking a strand of hair out of my face. I threw open the balcony door and stepped outside, welcoming the chilly breeze. I walked to the railing, squeezing my eyes shut when I heard his footsteps behind me.
“Okay,” he said. “I’m so confused right now. You can’t be my girlfriend?” When I didn’t answer, he moved to stand beside me. “Is there someone else?”
“What?” I almost had to laugh. “No. There’s no one else.”
“Are you planning to leave tomorrow and never see me again?”
“No,” I said, frowning.
“Then why can’t we be together?” He angled his body toward mine. “What just happened in there tells me that you’re interested—that you feel the same way. The way you touched me last week... How mad you got when you thought I was going to kiss you but threw you in the pool... You don’t feel like that unless you want that person.” His hand touched my lower back, and I fought the urge to lean into him. “Unless...unless it’s just about feeling good? Is that all you want out of this?”
I could’ve said yes because that would’ve shut this whole conversation down, but I didn’t. “No. It’s not about that.”
“Then what is this about?”
Running my hand over my cast, I couldn’t believe I had to really explain this. “It just doesn’t feel right. We get to move on and be happy? This soon?”
Sebastian was quiet for a moment. “But that’s...that’s life, Lena.”
“Wow,” I muttered, floored.
“What? Yeah, that sounded blunt as hell, but it’s the truth. You can’t stop living just because others...others died.”
I understood that, but the thing was, he didn’t get it. What I felt wasn’t just survivor’s guilt. I felt more rancid. More bitter. “It’s not that easy.”
“Yes.” He curled his hand around my chin, bringing my gaze to his. “Yes, it is, Lena.”
Exhaling roughly, I pulled away and stepped back. “You don’t get it.”
“You keep saying that.” Frustration flared in his voice as he stared at me. “And I’m trying to get everything. To understand. To be patient. To be there for you. But you aren’t talking about anything going on in your head. Not really. And you keep forgetting that I’m going through this right beside you. I know how you feel.”
I snapped my mouth shut as I crossed my arms.
“What happened to our friends was a huge wake-up call for me. As cheesy as it sounds, there’s no guarantee on tomorrow, or next year—”
“You tell me I need to move on! That I need to just deal with—”
“That’s not what I’m saying! Not at all.”
“You don’t have to say it in those exact words, but the meaning is the same.”
“Lena—”
“Oh my God, are you kidding me?” My voice was nearing code-red shrill level. “You’re standing here like you’re now doing everything you want to do, because you have this whole new outlook on life, and that’s crap. You know that’s crap.”
“That’s not crap.” His voice was low.
“You don’t want to play ball anymore, Sebastian. Right? You told me you don’t want to do it.”
His back went ramrod straight.
“What about that?” My hand curled into a fist. “You don’t want to play football, but I bet a year from now you’ll be doing it at college just because you don’t want to face your dad. So don’t stand there and act like you’ve changed so much since this accident, and grown so much, and faced all your problems head-on.”
He lifted his head and a moment passed as if he was trying to collect himself.
“This isn’t about football. This is about us.”
“How can you even be thinking about us right now?” I demanded. “Our friends are dead. They just died. They’re not coming back, and all you care about is getting laid—” I sucked in a sharp breath.
The moment I said it, I wanted to take it back. I’d gone too far.
Sebastian’s eyes flared with shock and then his jaw locked down. “I can’t believe you said that to me. I really can’t.”
I couldn’t either. I really couldn’t.
Swallowing around the knot in my throat, I willed my heart to slow down. “Sebastian, I just—”
“No.” He held up his hand. “I’m going to unpack that statement for you real quick. And you’re going to stand there and listen.”
Closing my mouth, I stood there. And I listened.
“Our friends are dead. Yes. Thank you for reminding me that I lost three of my closest friends and almost lost my best friend—the girl I fucking love. I’m not trying to spend every waking moment thinking about it like you...and you know what? That doesn’t make me a terrible person. None of them would’ve wanted that from us. Not even Cody, with his ego.” He took a step toward me. “Their deaths do not mean that I die alongside them, or that I put my entire life on hold. Yeah, it’s only been about a month and no one—no one—is expecting anyone to just get over it. But living your life and loving someone is not getting over it. That doesn’t mean anyone is forgetting them. I can live my life and still mourn them.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but he wasn’t done.
“And how dare you insinuate that I don’t care about them or that I don’t think about them every damn day. What we were doing in there—” he gestured at the door “—it isn’t a disrespect to them. And you know what, I am partially at fault for this. Obviously you’re not ready for this. You’re not in the right headspace and I thought that... I don’t even know anymore, but I sincerely apologize for that. I’m sorry.” His voice turned hoarse as he thrust a hand through his hair. “What I feel for you, what we were doing in there, what I want to do to you is not about getting laid, and I...I can’t believe you would even think that about me.”
I squeezed my eyes shut against the building tears.
“I’m not sure you can blame grief for that,” he said, and I felt my heart crack. “Because no matter what has happened, no matter what is going on in our lives, you should know me better than that.”
Those tears burned and no matter how hard I tried, the tears snuck through. I lifted my hand to wipe at them. I stood for several moments before I opened my eyes.
Sebastian was gone.
I hadn’t even heard him leave.
It was almost like he hadn’t even been there.
* * *
I didn’t go to school on Tuesday.
In the morning I told Mom I wasn’t feeling well. She didn’t ask the reasons why, which was good, because there were plenty. I had no idea if Sebastian had shown up to drive me to school. I’d turned my phone off, not wanting to deal with the world. Wanting nothing more than to hide.
If Sebastian never spoke to me again, I wouldn’t blame him.
Staring up at the map above my desk, I knew I’d created a mess out of things with him. I wasn’t being honest or open, telling him what I really felt or why my guilt was different from his. I wasn’t being honest or up front with anyone, and I was a coward because of that.
I was just like my dad.
But I didn’t want to be, so I lay there for hours thinking about everything.
It was a little after one o’clock when I heard my mom coming up the stairs. “I wanted to check on you,” she said as she entered. “You obviously have your phone turned off and I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“Sorry,” I murmured from my pathetic prone position on the bed.
“Where is your phone?”
I gestured at my desk with a limp hand and watched Mom walk over and pick it up. She turned it on and tossed it on the bed by my legs.
“When you’re not feeling well and staying home, you will never turn your phone off again. I have to be able to reach you.” Her voice was stern, and her eyes sharp. “Do you understand?”
“Yeah.”
Her shoulders tensed as she crossed her arms. “Lena, I know why you didn’t go to school today.”
“Mom,” I groaned, rubbing my hand down my face. She probably thought I was ticked off about everything with Dad, though I still wasn’t sure what to think about that.
She sat on the edge of the bed. “Sebastian stopped by this morning to take you to school. He looked like he had very little sleep last night and didn’t seem surprised when I said you were feeling unwell.”
My stupid heart swelled. He’d still shown up to take me to school even after I really, truly insulted him.
There was a pause. “Do you think I don’t know Sebastian comes over every night?”
I covered my eyes with my hand.
“You two try to be quiet, but I can hear you talking sometimes. I haven’t said anything because I think you need your friends right now, especially when I haven’t seen much of Dary or Abbi,” she explained. “And because I trust Sebastian.”
I wanted to hide under the bed. “I trust you to make smart choices when it comes to Sebastian,” she added, and I wasn’t sure I believed her, because, truth be told, I obviously sucked at making good choices. “But I heard some of your conversation last night.”
Oh God.
I winced.
“Lena,” she said with a sigh. “The boy has cared about you from the first day he came over here, asking if you wanted to ride bikes.”
“I know, Mom.” I lowered my hand to the bed and looked at her. I’d done a lot of thinking as I lay in bed all morning. “I think... I think he does love me,” I whispered, my lip trembling. “Like really love me, and I...I don’t know if I’m ready for that now. I mean, I am. I’ve been waiting forever for him...but it all feels wrong now.”
“Honey.” Her breath was shaky as she leaned over me, clasping my hand. “You’re going through a lot right now. And I know it’s not just Sebastian. Coach Rogers called me this morning. He told me you quit the team.”
“It just...wasn’t what I wanted to do anymore.”
“Is that the same way you feel about Sebastian?”
“It’s not that. Not really. I just...don’t deserve him...deserve this.”
“Why would you say that?”
I shifted my gaze back to the map before looking back to her. “You know why.”
Her eyes widened and shimmered with tears. “Oh, baby, don’t say that. You do deserve happiness and a future and everything you’ve ever wanted. That one night is not going to define your whole life.”
“But it defined Megan’s and the others’,” I argued. “When people talk about Cody, it will always be overshadowed by what he did. The same with Chris and with Phillip.” And it would be the same about me, if everyone knew.
Mom squeezed my hand, and I could tell by the stricken look on her face that she had no idea what to say to me.
I pulled my hand free and sat up a little. “I just want to go back to that night and do things differently. I was being so stupid, obsessing over such stupid things. Everything I worried about before seems so pointless now.”
“Baby, nothing you worried about before was pointless.” Mom squeezed my hand again. “You’re just looking at things differently now.”
* * *
On Wednesday morning, Sebastian drove me to school. The ride was silent and awkward, and I couldn’t do it again. I had to try to catch a ride with Dary after school, and tomorrow, I decided, I needed to do it myself. Needed to get behind the wheel of my own car.
To drive myself.
To take care of myself.
But as I walked from my locker to the administrative offices, I wasn’t thinking about Sebastian or our fight or what Mom had admitted to. I knew what was expected from me in the next thirty minutes.
I was going to have to really talk today. I had to, because I needed to get it off my chest. I needed to say something, and I didn’t know if it would change anything or make it better or worse when it was all said and done, but I just needed to tell someone in my own words.
My hands were shaking when I walked into the tiny room. The stupid posters were a blur. Dr. Perry was at the table waiting for me, a new coffee mug in front of him, but I was too nervous to read the words. I just knew it was new because it was orange, unlike the others.
“Good morning, Lena.” He sat back in his chair, smiling as I shuffled toward the chair across from him. “I learned you weren’t at school yesterday. Are you not feeling well?”
After dropping my bag on the floor, I sat in the chair, stiff as a board. “It was just a bad day.”
“Care to elaborate?”
My first instinct was to say no, but that wasn’t what these sessions were about. So I told him what had happened with Sebastian. Not all the details because, seriously, that would be way too awkward. When I finished, I already felt exhausted and emotionally spent, and I’d barely even really started.
“Do you think Sebastian is wrong for wanting to move on?”
“Yes. No.” I wanted to bang my head off the table. “I don’t know. I mean, no. He’s not wrong. He gets to move on. He gets to—”
“And you don’t get to move on?” Dr. Perry interrupted.
Shaking my head, I opened my mouth but struggled to say what he already knew. “Why should I get to move on?”
He placed his mug down. “Why shouldn’t you?”
“Because it’s my fault,” I said, feeling sick.
“I think what we really need to do right now is for you to walk me through that night,” he said gently. “Do you think you can do that?”
“Yes,” I said. “I need to do this. To talk about that night.” Tears filled my eyes and my heart pounded wildly in my chest. “I knew Cody was drunk and I...I could’ve stopped him. I wasn’t drunk.”
And then I walked him through everything that had happened that night.
* * *
I found myself standing in the driveway with Megan. I was done with the party. I had a headache stabbing me behind the eyes, and the music and shouting and laughter weren’t helping.
I just wanted to go home, and I was so not looking for Sebastian to tell him so. Not after our talk/argument and the fact I hadn’t seen him since Skylar showed up. I really didn’t need to walk up on them in the middle of them practically eating each other’s faces.
A heavy weight settled in my stomach.
God, I wished I hadn’t said anything to Sebastian. Now tomorrow was going to be different, and there was no going back. No pretending that everything was the same.
I really wanted to go home.
“Where’s Chris?” I asked.
Leaning heavily into me, Megan nodded to where Cody was bent over, one arm hanging on an open car door as he talked to someone. Her cousin Chris was standing beside him. “One of them is driving us home,” she said slowly. “That’s all I know.”
Cody was leaving with us?
“I’m a bit trashed,” Megan slurred after a moment.
“Really?” I replied drily, almost wishing I were in her shoes that moment.
“Just a little.” Sighing, she wrapped her arm around my waist. “I love you, Lena.”
I grinned as I pushed my damp hair out of my face. “I love you, too.”
“Do you love me enough to carry me inside my house, pass my mom and tuck me into bed?” she asked, pushing away from me. She was momentarily distracted by the hum of crickets. “After we stop at McDonald’s so I can get chicken nuggets?”
I laughed. “Maybe I can help you get nuggets, but not sure how to get you past your mom.”
She giggled as she looked around, swaying slightly. “Wait...did you tell Sebastian you were leaving?”
“I have no idea where he is,” I said, watching Cody and Chris head toward us.
She clapped her hands together, rocking backward. “Let’s go find him.”
“Find who?” Cody asked.
“Sebastian!” shrieked Megan, and I winced.
Cody dropped his arm over my shoulders. “Pretty sure he’s with Skylar. Probably in the pool house.” He squeezed me. “Thought I saw them walking into there.”
The hole in my chest tripled. Cody could’ve been making it up, but it could also be true, and it...it also didn’t matter.
Megan cringed. “All righty, then, let’s not find him.”
“Sounds like a plan,” I said, stepping from under Cody’s arm.
Yawning, Chris turned around and tossed his keys at Cody. They smacked off his chest and hit the ground. “Can you drive?” he asked. “I’m whipped.”
“Yeah. Sure.” Bending over, Cody swiped up the keys. “Next time give me a warning.”
“There’s the reason why you’re the quarterback and not the receiver,” Chris taunted. “No amount of heads-up will change that.”
“Screw you,” Cody shot back.
This was going to be the longest ride home ever.
“Hey, wait up!” Phillip came running around the side of the house, holding up the back of his swim trunks. “I’m leaving with you guys.”
Megan sighed beside me. “And here I thought I’d snuck off.”
I was guessing their talk earlier hadn’t ended well.
“All aboard,” Cody said, reaching for the driver’s door and missing it. The handle snapped back.
“Hey,” said Chris from the front passenger seat. “Careful, man. Some of us actually respect our cars.”
“If you respect your car, why are you letting him drive?” Phillip smacked Megan’s behind as he walked past.
She whipped around and nearly fell over, but I caught her arm as I watched Cody open the door, his movements odd and jerky. His face looked flushed in the car’s interior light.
“Are you okay? To drive?” I asked.
“Why wouldn’t I be?” He started to climb in behind the wheel.
I stopped at the door. “You look a little drunk.”
His eyes narrowed. “Jesus. Are you serious? I had one drink.”
I stepped back, surprised by his tone. “I was just asking.”
“He’s fine. Come on.” Megan took my hand and leaned in, whispering in my ear, “I want chicken nuggets and sweet-and-sour sauce.”
“Ew,” I murmured, distracted. Chewing on the inside of my cheek, I tried to think of how many times I’d seen Cody with a drink. I knew I saw him with a bottle. Or was it a cup? I really hadn’t been paying attention to him.
“Maybe I should drive?” I offered.
Chris groaned from the passenger seat. “If you want to leave now, just get in the car, Lena.”
Phillip was climbing in the other side as Megan pushed in behind me. “I don’t want to sit next to him,” she whisper-yelled.
“I can hear you.” Phillip slapped his hand down on the middle seat. “And I’d rather sit next to Lena anyway. She’s nicer.”
“She’s nicer,” mimicked Megan in the whiniest voice I’d ever heard, her hands on my hips. “Hurry, Lena. I’m hungry.”
“I’m fine.” Cody hauled himself up into the front of the SUV. He looked back at me, eyes bright in the light. “Seriously. I’m fine. I’ve driven this road a million times.”
I wasn’t so sure if he was fine or not, but the guys were staring at me and Megan was pushing me, going on and on about the ten-piece nugget meal she was going to murder.
“He’s fine,” Megan said, and then giggled. “I’m so hungry.”
“Come on,” Cody said, smacking his hand off the steering wheel. “You’re being stupid. Get in the car.”
I felt my face heat up. He was right. I was being stupid. I climbed into the car, smushed between Megan and Phillip. It took several moments to wiggle my seat belt out from under Phillip and lock it in place. The windows rolled down all around me as I dug my phone out of my purse and saw several missed texts from Dary.
Megan leaned over me and reached out, flicking her finger off the side of Phillip’s face. “Hey, are you going to buy me nuggets?”
Leaning back, I checked out Dary’s texts. She’d sent me a picture of a painting that looked like something a two-year-old could’ve done. Underneath it was the caption This is art? What am I missing?
“Baby, I’ll buy you two nugget meals,” Phillip told her. “And all the sweet-and-sour sauce you could ever want.”
So romantic.
Megan sighed. “You know me. Know me well enough to know that sweet-and-sour sauce is the way to my heart. Why did we break up?”
I made a face at my phone.
The radio turned on, and when I glanced up, Chris’s head was already lolling to the side. Cody was messing with the stations, flipping through them so fast I had no idea what the songs were.
Zoning Megan and Phillip out, I prayed they didn’t try to start making out with me between them as I scrolled through Dary’s texts. Another picture was of a dress, with Dary saying she was thinking about making one just like it. I got to the end of her messages and texted her back.
You’d look amazing in that dress. Heading home from Keith’s. Call you tomorrow.
Cool air streamed through the windows, lifting the ends of my hair. I glanced up. It felt like we were going really fast, but I couldn’t really see anything outside the car. I hit Send and then started to text Abbi so she didn’t worry when she realized I wasn’t there anymore.
Caught a ride with Megan. Didn’t want to bother
“Holy—” Cody’s words were cut off as the SUV suddenly jerked to the right, the movement so sharp my phone slipped out of my hands.
Someone—Megan?—screamed, and we were moving sideways fast. Too fast. Confusion swamped me. I couldn’t breathe past the ball of fear and disorientation choking me.
Time...time slowed down and moved too fast, all at once.
My arms flew up. I tried to grab the front seat, but I was suddenly in the air. Then we were slamming back down. The impact jarred every bone in my body. An earsplitting crack of thunder jolted the car. I heard glass break, shattering like fragile icicles. Shooting pain exploded along the side of my face as something slammed into my head—an arm, no a leg.
We were flying, air lifting us up, and my head snapped backward as the seat belt caught me, the material digging into my stomach and chest. A fire burned through me, and my throat was stinging.
Metal crunched—the roof. Oh my God, the roof gave way, and we were upside down and then upright, then upside down, and I was thrown back and forth, side to side. All I could hear was something...something, eating the car, tearing it apart, piece by piece. Red-hot pain erupted, blindingly white, and that was all there was. Pain. Terror. Flying. Screaming.
Then there was nothing.