Chapter Thirteen
When Jesse drops me off at home, I wait until his car pulls away before dancing down the sidewalk. I jiggle the key in the lock, feeling like I’m still floating beneath the parachute.
Giving in to my heart wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. Maybe I’m just ready to let go. Maybe it’s just because Jesse makes it feel easy, makes it feel real. Or maybe it’s just that I’m so damn attracted to him I can’t help myself.
I fling the door back, ready to finally admit to Jodie she was right. I’m in a good enough mood to deal with her “I told you sos” and her need for details.
But when I walk into the apartment, a very different Jodie greets me. My face falls, knowing my serendipitous, earth-shatteringly wonderful afternoon is going to be forever changed by the piteous look on Jodie’s face and the wallowing sadness in the atmosphere.
Lysander and Reed are here too, sitting on the sofa with a sobbing shell of my roommate. Henry sleeps stretched out on their feet, lips flapping as he snores.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, immediately fearing the worst.
Reed rises from the sofa to greet me, and Jodie peeks up at me through tears.
“I’m being a moron. It’s fine,” Jodie says as she swipes at the moisture dripping down her cheeks.
I turn to Reed, hoping for some explanation because she’s clearly not fine. Nothing looks fine. He walks me to the kitchen area, where Sebastian is playing with a rogue M&M on the floor.
“Lysander and I were out last night and we saw Darren. With another woman.”
My heart sinks as I turn to stare back into the living room, as if I need confirmation. I fall onto the stool at the island.
The shock sets in. We were just with Darren and Jodie last weekend. He was crazy about her. They were getting more serious by the second. Jodie finally felt like she’d found the one. She’s been talking about the big, scary L-word, a word Jodie doesn’t toss around lightly.
So how the hell did this happen?
I don’t need to ask, however, because unfortunately, I’m all too familiar with the workings of infidelity. There isn’t always a rational explanation. There isn’t a flashing sign.
There’s just the heartbreak of broken trust, the questions of why, and the feelings of “how couldn’t I have known.”
It doesn’t matter that Jodie wasn’t as far into a relationship with Darren as I was with Chris. It doesn’t matter. Because the betrayal, the hurt, and the shock are the same. And the feelings don’t fade with time.
Suddenly, the kiss with Jesse, the magical afternoon fades. All I see, all I feel, is the stabbing heartache I know Jodie’s feeling. It’s like her pain transports me back to the scene, to the heartbreak. I see him with her. I experience the sinking feeling of stupidity and shock.
Tears well in my own eyes, and now I feel like a moron for drowning in a sorrow that should no longer be mine.
“I’m sorry, sweetie. I know this probably just brings back bad memories,” Reed says, putting an arm around me. I shrug him off. This isn’t about me. It shouldn’t be about me.
I traipse across the room toward Jodie. I sink down in the seat beside her, wrapping an arm around her and leaning into her.
“I’m sorry, sweetie. I had no idea.”
“I’m a fucking idiot. I shouldn’t be crying over that douchebag.” Jodie wipes at her tears again, the hard, sarcastic exterior trying to return. But no matter how strong Jodie is, I know this is killing her. She thought he was the one.
“You’re not an idiot. He’s a fucking idiot,” I say.
“I just… I thought he loved me. I thought he was it for me,” she says, and the tears flow again. “I should’ve known.”
“Hey, you couldn’t have known. We all thought he was crazy about you. He fooled us all,” Lysander chimes in from the other side of Jodie.
“Well, apparently he wasn’t as crazy about me as that Cynthia bitch.”
“Cynthia? Her name is Cynthia?” I ask.
“Yeah. She works at… um… an adult entertainment lounge down the street,” Lysander adds.
I cringe. This can’t help things.
“Listen, Jodie. He’s a moron. But I know that doesn’t help. At all. It sucks and it hurts. It’s going to take some time. But you’re going to be okay. You’ll move on and someday, you’ll be happy he showed you his true colors when he did.”
She turns to look at me, a frown on her face. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m here being all dramatic about some guy I’ve only been dating for a little while. It’s ridiculous, especially after what you went through.”
“Hey, stop. I know better than anyone that it doesn’t matter how long it’s been or that it’s not your fault. I know exactly what you’re feeling. So don’t apologize. You have nothing to apologize for. We’re here for you, and we’re going to get through this.”
“That’s right, we are,” Reed says. “Lysander and I have this covered. Tonight will be the sulking in your pajamas, eating ice cream night. We’ll pop in a good movie and spend the night being a little weepy over this Darren dude.”
“And then tomorrow night,” Lysander picks up. “Tomorrow night it’s ditch the dickhead night. As in, screw him, forget him, we’re going out. We’ll get you so liquored up, you’ll be wondering who the hell Darren even is and wondering how quickly you can move on.” He smiles, winking.
“Oh, I do love a good liquored-up night,” Reed replies, clapping a little. “We’re good at this.”
Jodie stands up now. “Really? I think you two are awful at this. Pretty sure you shouldn’t put a timeline on loss. And pretty sure a psychiatrist wouldn’t recommend liquored up as a technique for overcoming grief.”
“Well, then the psychiatrists don’t know what they’re missing. Come on. Trust us. When have we let you down before? Remember the whole Aaron debacle? We got you through that, right? We’ve got this. Now, you two stay put. We’re going to go get us all the biggest, highest calorie sundaes we can find on the boardwalk.” Reed and Lysander practically dash out the door to carry out their mission, leaving us in the aftermath of their plan.
“Those two are lunatics,” Jodie says, smiling. “But I love them.”
I stand up now, too, leaning in to hug her. “All jokes aside, I know this isn’t easy. I know it’s going to take more than a few days. But those two are right. Someday you’ll be happy to move on.”
I pull back from the hug, and Jodie raises an eyebrow. “Does this mean you hopped into bed with Jesse? Because for a woman who has supposedly sworn off love, you’re awfully adamant about this whole moving on thing.”
I feel myself blush. “No, we didn’t sleep together.”
“You kissed then.”
I want to deny it. It doesn’t feel like the right time. But the uncontrollable smile on my face gives it away.
Jodie squeals, the pre-Darren-cheating-scandal Jodie showing her face. “I knew it. Oh my God, give me all the glorious details. Lots of tongue I hope? Did he cop a feel? Let’s go.”
“Jesus, Jodie, what are we, seventeen-year-olds?” I say, rolling my eyes to fit the persona.
But then I settle myself into the sofa and give her all the illustrious details—as if I’m a seventeen-year-old confessing about a first kiss.
For a moment, we’re not two scorned lovers, two cheated-on women who feel like fools. We’re just two women animatedly talking about lips and hands, and thinking about how even though love is a risk, sometimes it pays off.
***
I awake to the doorbell dinging the next morning. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes and tossing on a sweatshirt, I stumble toward the door. Jodie’s door is shut. We were up pretty late last night, movies and sundaes helping keep her mind somewhat off Darren. I scuttle toward the door, not wanting the doorbell to wake her up.
I pull open the door and see quite an appealing sight. Jesse—with coffee from my favorite spot.
“Hey,” I whisper. “Jodie’s sleeping. Let me put on something more substantial and maybe we can go for a stroll?”
“Sure.”
I let him inside where he stands at the door, coffees in hand. Sebastian, meowing wildly, runs over to rub Jesse’s leg. Henry, of course, is still asleep in bed.
I dash back up the hallway to the bathroom, rushing through a hurried morning routine. I manage to slap on a few dabs of powder to take away the shine. The rest will have to do.
I slip into my room, toss on a bra and some real clothes, and head back to Jesse. He’s right where I left him, Sebastian still rubbing his leg.
We wordlessly slip out the door into the misty morning, the sun barely breaking through the clouds.
“Thank you,” I say as he hands me a coffee. We turn left, heading toward the sand as I sip the delicious dark roast.
“Welcome,” he says. “How was your night?”
“Not so good,” I admit. “Darren cheated on Jodie.”
“What? Are you serious?”
“Yeah. Apparently Lysander and Reed caught him. She’s a train wreck. Never saw it coming.”
“Me neither. He seemed crazy about her. That was just last weekend he couldn’t keep his hands off her. Wow.”
“Yeah, well, that doesn’t always mean anything,” I say, taking another sip as my sleepy mind wanders that dark and lonely road.
We cross the street, ambling toward the sound of the waves.
“Is there anything I can do?” Jesse asks.
I shrug. “Not really. These things just take time. I know Jodie will be okay. She’s strong and fierce. We’re all going out tonight, though. Lysander and Reed’s idea. Want to come?”
“Sure, I’m game. I’ll even buy the first round,” he says. I turn to him with an appreciative smile, knowing Jodie’s going to need all the help she can get—from us and the liquor.
We plunk our toes into the sand, sauntering toward the water. The water that just yesterday I kissed Jesse by. The waves, the gentle breeze takes me back. Was that really just a day ago? It feels like so much has happened. It feels like the assuredness I felt in planting my lips on his has faded away, Jodie’s tears and regrets taking me back to a place I didn’t want to go.
I know Jesse’s not Darren, and he’s not Chris. But Jodie’s heartache has reminded me of why the promise I made to myself was so important to me.
I’ve been down the road of love, and I’ve lost. I’ve been in Jodie’s shoes, thinking forever was within reach, only to find out it was never even on the table at all.
Am I ready to put it all on the line again?
“You’re quiet. Are you okay?” Jesse asks. We’re at the water now, the chilling quality stunning me as it slaps against my toes. The bite in the morning August air suggests that summer is closing shop and soon fall will take its place. I can’t help but mourn the change a little bit, feeling like there isn’t just a chill in the air.
“I’m okay. The whole thing just brought up some rough feelings.”
“Yeah? Of your ex?”
“Yeah.”
“Want to talk about it?” he asks gently. I turn to look at him. I can tell he senses my hesitancy. I can tell he was hoping to take a walk with the woman he kissed yesterday, to revel in the bliss of our connection. Instead, he’s found a disheveled version of the go-get-it woman from less than twenty-four hours ago.
I kick a little bit of water up before turning and heading a few feet back. I sit down in the sand, not caring that my ass will be covered. I twist the cup of coffee into a mound to secure it, and stare at the water. Jesse walks over and takes a seat beside me, copying my position.
“It’s just…. I’m sorry about yesterday. About the kiss. I shouldn’t have let that happen.” Even I can hear the regretful tinge to my voice and the sadness that drips from every word. I hate that we’re having this conversation. I hate that what we shared yesterday has been tainted by reality. Perhaps even more than that, I despise that I let myself get into this position at all.
A moment of silence. I can’t gauge him or what he’s thinking. I continue the monologue I know I need to get out.
“Jesse, I like you. I can’t deny it. But I didn’t come here for a new relationship. The truth is, I’ve been there and done that. I was in love for six years with a man I thought I’d be with forever. I gave him my heart. I never thought he’d betray me. But he did. And so when I came here, I swore I wouldn’t let it happen again.”
Tears are now trickling.
“It’s okay. I understand. I get it, I do. I haven’t had a great time with love either. It’s a risk. Such a risk.” He exhales, the words sounding like a chore. Still, I can see on his somber face that he understands where I’m coming from.
“It is. I just don’t want to get consumed again.”
“But that’s the thing, Avery,” he says. The sound of my name from his lips jolts me out of my tears. I turn, the sun peeking through the clouds a little more as we stare at each other. “I’m already consumed.”
My heart slams into my chest, a suffocating but also energizing feeling pulsing through my veins. These are confessional words I didn’t expect to hear. These are words that certainly contradict my “no love” vow. However, as scared as I am, as adamant about not falling in love as I thought I was, the feeling in my chest tells me one more thing—whether I want to admit it or not, my heart craved these words from Jesse.
As I try to acclimate to the words he’s just spoken, Jesse continues his own monologue, one very different than I’d expected. “Look, I’ve had my share of shitty relationships. I’ve seen that love doesn’t always work out. First, I saw it with my mom burning my dad like she did. And then I had a relationship I thought would last forever. It turned out to be a disaster too. I told myself I wouldn’t let myself get roped into a relationship again. I told myself I didn’t need love. And then you walked into my shop.”
“Jesse, I—”
He interrupts me. “Let me finish. You walked into my shop, and I was consumed by you. Not just physically, but just everything about you. From that first time sitting at Midsummer Nights to our walk on the beach to our kiss, I knew there was something different about you. I know it hasn’t been long, and I know I shouldn’t fall this hard so fast. I’m still scared, Avery. But that kiss yesterday, well, it made me think maybe it’s okay to be a little scared. It made me feel like it’s worth it. You’re worth the risk.”
I want to argue. I want to get up and run away. I want to resist those green eyes, that soft look.
But when Jesse’s lips find mine this time, I let him take the lead. It’s a strong kiss filled with all our floating emotions—lust, passion, and most of all, fear. We’re two dilapidated people with two scarred hearts. The pain of our collective pasts might be too much for one couple to handle. We might drown or at least be swept far from the safe shores we’re used to.
His hand finds my hair, and I melt, right into the sand beneath me.
I’m still scared as hell. I’m scared because it’s too soon to let my heart find love again. I know I should let it breathe. I’m scared that I’ll get hurt. I’m scared that, just like last time, things will seem perfect and then they’ll end with my heart being chopped by the axe of unfaithfulness, of betrayal.
But, as the kiss sends a jolt right through me, warming me in all the right ways, I’m also scared of saying “no” to this feeling. I’m scared of letting him go over fear of what might not happen.
So, for the second time, I let Jesse Pearce’s kiss ignite me, the conflagration building between our hearts hot enough to scorch the sand beneath us.
The kiss burns.