Chapter Twenty-Three
I know I should tell Jesse what’s going on. I should let him in on my parents’ offer, if nothing else, than to just be honest.
But I’m afraid. I’m afraid he’ll see right through my “I’m sure I’m not taking the offer” words. I’m afraid he’ll see my hesitation and go running away. I’m afraid he’ll give up on us before I’ve even left.
I know I can’t keep such a momentous thing to myself. Instead of telling Jesse in the morning, though, I kiss him goodbye at my door, head inside, and decide to do the next best thing.
I tell my group of friends who are really more like family. Luckily, the opportunity presents itself immediately, since Lysander and Reed are having lunch with Jodie when I get back to the apartment.
“Hey, stranger. Want some tomato soup and grilled cheese?” Reed asks from the stove.
I smile. “No thanks.”
“Don’t give us that look. You know you love grilled cheese and tomato soup. Don’t act like you’re too old,” Jodie says, a huge piece of sandwich in her mouth.
“It is sort of the meal of five-year-olds, but I’m not judging,” I say, tossing my hands in the air.
I plop onto a stool at the island beside Lysander, who is also eating.
“So what’s new?” Lysander asks.
I sigh, resting my head in my hands, not sure how much to divulge.
“Oh no. Don’t tell me there’s trouble in paradise with the tattooed hunk,” Reed asks, also taking a seat. Sebastian is meowing at his feet as Henry puts his drooly face in my lap.
“Not exactly.”
“Spill. Come on. We need details,” Reed encourages.
So I lay it all out there. The offer from my parents. The financial aspects of it. My love for Jesse. The sense of freedom I’ve found here. My sense of family loyalty. How much I hate myself for even considering the offer. How guilty I feel for letting my dad down.
How completely and utterly confused I truly am.
“Wow. That’s intense,” Jodie says, shaking her head once I’m finished.
“So what are you leaning toward?” Reed asks.
Emotionally exhausted from telling the tale, I shrug. “I love him. I really do. And I love the life I’ve found here with all of you and with my painting. I’m so happy. But I’m afraid I’ll regret giving this up. I feel like I can’t just let my family legacy die. I trained for this. My dad’s counting on me.”
“But honey, didn’t you give it all up for a reason? Didn’t you come here because you weren’t happy?” Reed says pragmatically.
And he’s right. It makes sense. “Yes. And that’s why I don’t understand why this is so hard for me. I wish I wasn’t thinking about wanting to take up the offer. But I guess it’s just that I worked for this for so long. Not long ago, this would have been exactly what I wanted.”
“But you’re a different person now, in a good way,” Lysander says. “You’ve changed.”
“Yes, but I don’t think that makes it easy to just sever ties with who you were before,” Reed observes. “I’ve been there. I get it. Sometimes, I wonder what could have happened if I had stayed in my career. I’ve thought about how my degree, my experience is sitting there.”
“So you regret coming here?” I ask, a little surprised by his words.
He looks over to Lysander with a grin. “Never. Because even though I did give up some of my old dreams to come here, I also found new ones, ones that have made me happier than I could’ve ever imagined. Life is always about sacrifice, Avery. It’s always a give and take. You just have to be able to be honest about what you’re willing to give up.”
“Yeah, and besides, Jesse is freaking hot. Why isn’t anyone talking about that? Guys like him aren’t just ripe for the picking, trust me,” Jodie adds in typical Jodie fashion.
I grin. “It’s not all about looks, you know.”
She rolls her eyes. “Oh, please. Why don’t you just take Jesse with you? Then you can have money and the hottie.”
“Well, there’s a thought,” Lysander says. “Although we can’t give you up.” He reaches to touch my hand across the island.
“Yeah, we would have to go back to knitting without our pet project to work on,” Reed says, and I laugh.
“We’re not kidding,” Jodie says. “Plus, I’d be poor and have to find a rich man to help pay the rent.”
“Gold digger,” Reed says pointedly, and I laugh again.
“I don’t think I could ask Jesse to give up his tattoo parlor. That wouldn’t be fair.”
“Please. The man is crazy about you. He’d move his tattoo parlor to Antarctica for you.”
“I wouldn’t ask him to do that. He couldn’t do that.”
“Wait, you have told him about this, right?” Jodie asks. “You’ve talked to him about your dad’s offer?”
I avert my eyes.
“Are you serious? What the hell is wrong with you?” she says. “You need to tell him. Either way, you should talk to him about it.”
“She’s right,” Lysander says. “Besides, maybe he can help you.”
I know they’re correct. I know I need to stop putting it off.
“I guess I’m just scared it will ruin things.”
Reed walks over to me, putting an arm around my shoulders. “Then maybe you have your answer after all. Maybe it’s not so hard,” he practically whispers, and a rogue tear slides down my face.
“Love you guys,” I say, meaning it. I came here not knowing if I’d even find a single friend in this place. Instead, I found three friends who are becoming more and more like family.
Leaving here wouldn’t just be leaving Jesse. It would be leaving all of this behind, everything good I’ve made for myself.
“Okay, this is turning into a sappy television drama. I can’t take it. Can we please do something fun? Some of us don’t even have a hottie to think about walking away from,” Jodie interrupts.
“Let’s go find Jodie a hottie. What do you say, Avery?”
I wipe the tear away and brush the momentousness of the moment aside, nodding in agreement as I get up to go slip into one of my “going out” shirts.
***
After a wild night where we do, in fact, find Jodie a hottie—who turns out to be gay—I tuck myself into bed, ready to let go of the alcohol haze and the decisions swirling in my head. Before I can even blink, the sun is shining through the window and my phone is buzzing with an incoming call.
“Hello?” my crackling voice says.
“Avery? You sound rough. Are you getting sick?”
I wipe the sleep from my eyes, rolling over to pet Henry as I face a conversation with my mother.
“No, Mom. I’m just tired.”
“It’s eleven in the morning. I’ll tell you, your schedule these days is something.”
I roll my eyes like the insolent teenager I once was, flopping onto my back now to stare at the ceiling. I breathe into the phone, hoping my silence sends the message that I’m not amused by her comments.
“So, I’m just calling to see when you’re coming back.”
“Mom, I don’t know if I am.”
“Really, Avery? You’re not sure yet? What is there to think about?”
“It’s complicated. I’m happy here.”
There’s a pause. I wait patiently for the derision that is sure to fly out of her mouth. I wait for her to chide me about being responsible and making good decisions. I wait to hear her talk to me like the angry teenager she sometimes thinks I still am.
She doesn’t, though. In fact, I’m almost taken aback when her voice is soft and restrained.
“Avery, I love you. And I know sometimes I’m tough on you. This past year has been challenging. You’ve gone through a lot, and I’m sorry for that. I just don’t want to see you pass up this opportunity because you’re scared to come back. I don’t want to see you throw away such a huge career move for something that’s making you happy right now. I know you’re creating a life down there. I see that now. But is it a life that will sustain you forever? Is it something to build a foundation for the future on? Or is it just that it’s different, and after what Chris did to you, you want to claim anything that you can say is your own?”
I bite my cracking, chapped lips, pondering her words, my stomach wrenching either from last night’s booze or the haunting truth resonating in her words.
“I don’t know, Mom.”
“Honey, please just don’t do what you did before. Don’t make this about a man. Make this about you. We miss you. Your family is here, Avery. We’re here for you. Come back where you belong.”
We talk for a few more minutes about trivial things, but the whole time, I’m thinking about Mom’s words.
I think about how not long ago, her words were exactly what I’d promised myself. I think about how those green eyes swept me up and made me turn my back on my promise.
Most of all, I consider that maybe my mom, who drives me batshit crazy at times, may be undoubtedly right about everything.