“Hello, baby girl,” I said to my daughter while putting her to bed. I seemed to have forgotten her name. Looking around the room, and back at her, my mind had blanked. Melinda? Lidia? Melan—
“My mom said Melody has your eyes.”
Melody! That was it. Melody–Melody–Melody. Her name repeated in my head as fast as the rhythm of my heart. I was a terrible parent. What kind of mother forgets the name of her own child? In my entire adult life, I’d never been so disgusted with myself as I was right now.
“Bekky?” Tyler came forward taking slow, tentative steps with his hands up, palms facing me. “Bekka, love? I don’t know what the hell is going on, but Melody is safe in bed. Come here, I got you. Okay?”
I shook my head, unable to stop the flood of crying and sobbing now happening. Why do I fail at motherhood again and again?
“What’s going on? Please, Bekky, I’m begging you to tell me.” Fear echoed in his voice, paining me.
I put him in this state of mind. He’s scared because of me. I can’t do anything right. I’m useless… I tried to answer Tyler, but the words wouldn’t come out of my mouth. He didn’t want to hear me describing how bad a person I was.
“I… can’t.” Pushing shaking fingers against my temples, I willed my head to clear, and then, thought about how to verbalize what I was feeling.
“Bekky, let me in. Tell me what’s going on?” Tyler tried again.
“All day I struggled,” I began, but stopped. Simple things had become a mountain hike with bare feet. Everything had gotten slippery, and I was falling hard. Whatever control I used to have on my life was gone. All that was left was a poor excuse of my old self. “I– I… keep our daughter safe, Tyler. I have to go. I can’t do this.” His facial expression wrenched my heart. I’d managed to alarm him, which said how afraid he was.
Yanking on my arm, my front collided into his. “You are starting to freak me the fuck out, Rebekka. Say something, explain to me what the hell happened today that you’d leave me, us.” He pointed at our sleeping daughter, and I noticed how unsteady his fingers were, then how his bottom lip quivered. Tyler never cried. Almost never.
He was now.
“Talk to me, goddammit.”
My hand covered my face; I was too ashamed to face the man of my dreams as I admitted, “Something’s wrong with me. My head. I just forgot her name, Tyler. Our daughter. I tried really hard to remember, but I couldn’t.” Stepping back from him, I continued, “I think I have to leave. I’m not stable or normal right now and you don’t need that in your life. Something bad is going to happen if I stay here. Hurting Melody or you isn’t an option. There’s something wrong with me, and I don’t know what it is, so I have to go.” Today had been way too hard. It shouldn’t be this way.
“Oh, Bekky, I’ll always need you. I think you’re just exhausted, babe. I’ll help you to bed. You get some rest and then we’ll figure out what to do when you wake up. There’s no way you are leaving us, though.” When he took me in his arms and held me there without moving, I could feel his hope, his love, all around me.
Going back to bed did sound good. The exhaustion in my body was almost unbearable.
His arms tightened around my waist. “Melody’s sleeping, and you are going to do the same. I’ll handle her midnight snack.” Melody’s light clicked off. “Come on, let’s get you to bed.” Taking my hand, Ty led me down the hall, and the pain lancing his voice made me feel sick to my core.
My fault. Two small teardrops had trickled down to his jaw. I wanted to take them away, but didn’t have the will to reach up and touch him. “I’m so sorry.”
Two strong arms stopped me in my track. “Don’t be sorry. I’m here to make sure you’re okay. Sleep might help, but if it doesn’t, then we’ll go to the doctor. We’re taking care of this together.”
I loved him and how he was already planning for tomorrow. Sleep would be good, but I needed more than that. The feeling inside of me was as if I were trying to fit an elephant into a hamster cage. It had grown a lot bigger than my potential to control it. The sad part was that I already knew—I was going to the hospital. I needed to.
My thoughts weren’t mine anymore, which scared me to death.
Tyler helped me get comfortable in our bed. His fingers played in my hair until I became too tired to battle anymore. The image of a tear shining on his cheek stayed imprinted on my mind. This thing I had wasn’t hurting only me, it was destroying him, too.
* * *
My dreams were chaotic, and I didn’t sleep well. Each time I woke up, I forced myself to stay in bed and fall back to sleep, though. Given the angle of the sun when I gained consciousness, it had to be well on its way to late afternoon. Tyler must have opened the curtains at some point to let the light in.
“Tyler,” I said his name while flipping the bed sheets back. “Tyler?” I called again, louder, and tried getting up, but dizziness got the best of me.
“I’m coming! Be right there.” The clatter of his quick steps on the stairs told me he was anxious.
“Where’s Melody? Is she sleeping?” I asked as soon as he came into view.
“No, your parents picked her up. I think it’s best if we go see a doctor. I did some research and spoke to both our mothers. We all think you might have postpartum depression. Bad enough that it needs medical attention.” He spoke in soft tones, trying to break it to me without causing more upset I guessed.
I nodded, then started crying anyway. And, of course, my breasts were swollen to the point of giving me a headache. With Melody away once again, I’d have to pump. The energy I would need to get this done seemed to be more than I had in me, and I cried harder while mumbling about soreness, leaking, and messes. Somehow Tyler deciphered my gibberish.
“I’ll help you, babe. While you pump, I’ll get a bath ready.”
A bath? That hadn’t even crossed my mind.
Tyler helped me get out of bed and set up in the living room with the automatic pump. Nobody bothered mentioning this part to me when I was pregnant. While it was impressive how much liquid I could produce in a day, being a cow was tedious. I fell back to sleep before I was done.
When I woke again, I was a lot more comfortable, and Ty had taken care of the machine and expressed milk. The bath was waiting, and after topping off with hot water, he helped me undress then get in the water.
“I’ll do my best to be quick, okay?” At my nod, he bathed me using his shower gel. I liked it; the familiar “man” scent was comforting.
Tyler had never washed and dried my hair before, but he did well with the tasks. He even fixed it into a ponytail and then stayed by my side while I got dressed in my favorite leggings and a hoodie. I didn’t care how I looked. This was a quick visit to the doctor; it wouldn’t be long until I would be back here, home with my Melody.
* * *
I don’t know why I thought I would leave the same day.
Of course, they wanted to keep me. Make me stay at the hospital while my daughter needed me. Tyler, too. To say I was mad didn’t begin to cover how I felt. Angry, livid, even pissed was more like it.
“My daughter needs me. I’m afraid I can’t stay,” became my mantra. I repeated the statement so many times, but nobody listened.
“They’re keeping you for observation,” Tyler said when he’d had enough of my begging.
We both knew it wasn’t going to change anything; I had to stay. Still, I refused. My daughter needed me, I couldn’t stay here. “No. She needs me, Ty.”
“Babe, you need to take care of yourself first, and here, they will help you do that.”
All of a sudden I remembered when Nix had gone to rehab for her drug addiction. I could sympathize with what she’d gone through now. Our situations were a bit different since I wasn’t dealing with chemical dependency, but this felt like a dead end.
“Tyler, I can’t stay here,” I lamented.
“Yes, you can. You have to. You need care I can’t provide. I tried, Bekky, I tried hard, but this is beyond my knowledge. I’ll stay with you as long as they let me, but this is where you need to be.”
“Am I crazy? I think I am. There have been so many signals lately where I thought I was losing my mind…” I gasped, hating I’d said that out loud. That thought should’ve been kept inside, but I was so furious I wasn’t thinking about my words.
Tyler shook his head, watching me and staring straight into my eyes. “You aren’t.” He rubbed his eyes. “You aren’t crazy, babe. You are the love of my life, however. They will get you back on track, if you give them enough time, okay? Please, babe, do this for you, but also do it for Melo and me.”
Grasping at straws, I blurted, “I won’t be able to nurse her if I’m here. She needs me or she’ll starve.”
“Give the doctor a chance to explain what’s going to happen. Please.”
Being admitted to the psychiatric department was hard on my pride, but I’d started having ideas of leaving my family and even thoughts of death. Right now they were just thoughts. What would come next if I didn’t get help? Dying, when I was surrounded by people who loved me and showed me their continuous support, wasn’t an option. Being in the hospital, and pursuing a diagnosis and solution, meant I could have my life back. One that was better than crying and sleeping all the time.
Tyler was right. My place was here even if I hated every second of it.
“Tell Mm–my daughter I miss and love her.” Her name was dimming from my mind again. “I don’t know why this is happening to me.”
“There’s no reason, Bek. It isn’t something you did or didn’t do right. Stop feeling guilty, please.”
“I’m sorry. It’s hard not to.” Tears were brimming, but I tried not to let them out. I’d already cried too much for one day.
“Try to rest, you look exhausted.”
* * *
The following morning, after an exhausting first night at the hospital, I woke up alone in my room, which was lit by a dim light over my headboard. I didn’t want to be away from Melody or Tyler any longer, but knew I had to be. For my wellbeing and theirs, too. Still, knowing I would not be there when Melo woke this morning made me anxious. Being apart wasn’t easy. My daughter was my priority.
After ignoring my symptoms for so long and the little signs life had been throwing at me, ending up in the psychiatric department was a hard price to pay. Was it normal to be ashamed of myself? Because I was. So many people on social media claimed to be super moms, and I wasn’t. Weak mom fit better.
Crying again, I curled up on my bed and hated this feeling. Being alone sucked. There was nothing but a bed and a chair in the room. No phone or TV, nothing else for distraction.
Noises coming from the door handle broke the silence, and I opened my eyes to see who it was. My man. My beautiful, dark and mysterious boyfriend. Of course, these days, dark and mysterious were better descriptors of me.
“Hey, are you crying?” Of course, I am. Again. Tyler wrapped his arms around me. “What are you thinking about?” he asked, trying to understand what was going on with me this morning.
“I’m weak, Tyler.” Pushing him away so I could look at him eye-to-eye, I added, “But I want to be better.”
His face pinched with pain. “No, Bekky, you aren’t weak, but you have been so strong for so long, your body is telling you to slow down.” I loved hearing his voice, he had such a calming effect on me.
“Good morning, Ms. Fleischer. I’m Dr. Courtney,” said a woman as she entered the room.
“Hi.” I wasn’t ready for doctors and questions, I wanted to be left alone with Tyler longer.
“I heard you two talking, and sweetheart, you aren’t weak. Postpartum is rough, and it can take months before you’ll feel your best again. We’re here to help you. You will get better from here on out.”
I nodded, and brushed away my tears.
“Many new mother goes through this. After giving birth, there’s a dramatic shift in your hormones, which can affect how you feel. For some, this includes being tired, sad, moody, hungry—or not hungry at all. It can make you sluggish, or depressed. The symptoms, which can be different for everybody, aren’t unusual for you.”
“You see, Bekky, it’s just your hormones. You’re going to get better, okay?” Tyler was so positive about me getting better. It gave me hope.
“You did the right thing by coming here, so don’t be embarrassed. We’re going to find you a solution, including help from a therapist if you want it. We’ll be able to provide for you.” Dr. Courtney came closer to us as she spoke, her positivity making me feel more comfortable about all this.
“Okay,” I answered in a low voice.
They were offering me a way to go back to being my old self, so I took it. Because my place was at home with my baby and Tyler, and the sooner I got back the better.
I had to get better first.
* * *
It had been a few days since my stay at the hospital, and already, I felt better. Lillian, Tyler’s mom, and Amber, his sister, were staying at the house to help me with laundry, cleaning, and cooking. Being surrounded with good people helped a lot. Tyler handled everything else, claiming that he loved every second of it. Grocery shopping, changing the bedsheets, taking walks with Lord… he enjoyed his stay-at-home dad status.
“Here, babe, I got you this book. Amber said it’s a great read and might help you find your way back. Give you some motivation.” From a small paper bag, Tyler retrieved the book and handed it to me: How to Find Your Inner Happiness.
“Really?” I said after reading the title.
Tyler started laughing. “I thought the same thing, but apparently it’s the book to read right now.”
“Trust me, the title isn’t convincing but everything else is amazing. It’s a good read and I promise you’re going to love it.” Amber joined us then.
She seemed to believe this book would help me, so I said, “I’ll give it a try,” even though how-to books were not my cup of tea.
That night, I started reading the book, and by the end of the first chapter, I was hooked. Each day I read more, collecting enough tools to build myself back up. The biggest thing the book taught me was that it was okay to fail, but giving up wasn’t an option.
Of course, I also had my medication, which I called my miracle pills, but the book was good for my soul. And I needed that.