Chapter 10
The weather was changing. This was what my skylight was telling me. A few more minutes of struggle between the still-blue sky and the puffy purple cloud and the sun would be no more.
‘You stare into the sky at least half the time you spend in this room.’
I chuckled, cupping Marianne’s cheek and kissing her on the other one. She smiled. The two of us continued to nibble at our ice-creams.
‘You must be right. This room has made me a cloud spotter. There’s nothing else to spot here.’
‘Hmm… This is a rare moment when you have nothing to spot here, but the clouds.’
What a cheeky monkey! I rolled my eyes and leaned forward to stand up.
‘I’ll get going,’ I said, finishing my ice-cream. ‘You don’t have to start today. Juliette said you don’t.’
‘It’s okay, I’ll join you. What else do I have to do here? I’ve had my break.’
‘Then I’ll see you around.’ I saluted her and left the room.
I took the stairs, because I had to be on the floors. I had alerted the control room that I was in and was now waiting for instructions.
‘Hi, Ciara!’ I greeted our housekeeper who was passing by.
She smiled and nodded to me. As I walked past her, I got a weird feeling that she wanted to tell me something. I thought she’d stopped. I turned around. She had stopped indeed, but was not looking at me. She threw a glance at me, bobbed her head, still without saying anything, and walked away.
Hmm… I didn’t quite know if I was reading too much into it, but my feeling about it was quite unambiguous. I felt like I had a terminal illness, but my doctor had forgotten to tell me about it before giving a warning to those around me. I saw Dominique at the end of the corridor. He waved to me.
‘Are you going downstairs?’ he asked.
‘Slowly. I usually get called before I reach the last step.’
He looked down. I stared at him. His eyes wandered without looking at me. C’mon, people!
‘I didn’t know Ralf was leaving,’ Dominique finally said. ‘But of course, a holiday has to come to an end one day.’
‘What?’ I blurted.
The shock was so severe that I blacked out momentarily. I couldn’t breathe properly when I came round and had to gasp.
‘You didn’t know?’ Dominique exclaimed.
‘Where is he?’ I wheezed.
‘I…I don’t know,’ Dominique stammered. ‘He’s left. He’s settled his account and left. I thought you knew.’
I hurled myself down to the first floor. I don’t believe I was thinking straight at that moment, if the first thing I thought of was to check his room.
‘Francesco!’ I heard Dominique’s calls as I was dashing down the staircase.
I reached the presidential suite and pushed the door. It was locked. I kicked it with all my might.
‘Francesco!’ I heard Dominique’s voice next to me and his hands grabbed my arm.
‘Where is he?’ I gasped.
‘Francesco, he’s not here,’ Dominique stuttered. ‘Mimi said he’s left. Calm down, I beg of you… Why don’t you call him?’
Yes, why don’t I? Because I’ve fucking lost my mind!!!
I pulled my mobile out of my pocket and dialled his number. I leaned on the wall for support and pressed my hand to my forehead. My call was forwarded straight to messages, which I knew I shouldn't leave. My hand dropped down and let the phone go. Dominique picked it up and held it out towards me. I didn’t take it. I turned round and went to the staircase. Dominique ran after me.
‘Do you know his address?’
I shook my head and choked.
‘Do you know his landline number?’
I started to run, shaking my head.
‘Wait, Francesco, wait! He’ll get in touch with you! He will!’
Dominique caught up with me and blocked my way.
‘Francesco, you’ll see, he’ll get in touch with you as soon as he gets back home.’
Tears gushed out of my eyes.
‘Dominique, he may never get home. He’s not very well. He may never leave Venice. I’ve killed him.’
Dominique stepped back. His look fixed on me and his mouth opened. I passed my hand down my face to wipe away my tears and tottered down the stairs. I could no longer run. I was holding on to the railing for support.
I approached reception.
‘Oh my God!’ Mimi exclaimed. ‘Francesco, are you alright?’
‘When did Ralf check out?’ I asked.
‘A few hours ago. He left a few hours ago. I didn’t know he was checking out. He paid over the phone then called much later and said he wasn’t coming back. He told me you knew.’
‘When did he call?’
‘More than an hour ago, maybe two…’
I directed myself towards the exit. Dominique’s hand was on me once again and I wished he’d leave me alone. He tried to force my mobile into my hand. I didn’t need it and I pushed it away. He then slipped it into my pocket. I didn’t do anything about it. I had no strength to struggle and had to concentrate only on the essentials.
Once outside, I crossed the bridge. I realised that the shock had made me semi-lucid and I wasn’t fully aware of my surroundings. Ralf!!! I screamed in my mind and had to stop briefly to take a breath. Then I battled another suffocating surge of tears. I could not apprehend how this human creature could be not in my arms now. I had an acute physical necessity to hold him and my body was aching from this void. I felt him shaking in my arms with every iota of my being and my body was reacting to it with contractions and motions. I stopped again. It was unbearable. I took a deep breath.
I was in front of a canal and on my own. I approached the water and realised that I had come to the place where I had met him for the first time. Where I took him out of the noose. I looked around and didn’t see any signs of anything. The platform was empty. I looked up at the railings of the bridge and the memories clouded my mind again. I felt sick and had to press my forehead to the stone of the wall. I couldn’t handle these thoughts. He could be hanging off a bridge somewhere, but I was not there in time, I was not there at all. I knew I had to stop thinking about it or else I would simply collapse.
I remembered slumping on the pavement with him here and holding him, and hugging his weakened, shivering body. God, help me find him and I will never let him out of my sight. I will guard him for the rest of my life.
The human brain has a remarkable propensity to settle into routine swiftly, as soon as the danger has passed. It’s possibly a defence mechanism from time immemorial, when danger was everywhere, but people had to live regardless. There was no time for reflection. I had been through hell that night, and as soon as I returned to the hotel, my brain signalled that the danger had passed. I had rushed back into my cocoon, which had already saved me once, and I was now paying the price for it. I thought I cared about Ralf, but in reality I was taking care of myself. I knew Ralf was vulnerable and depended on me, yet I allowed him only as much time as was necessary to satisfy my own needs for his company. I did everything at my own convenience. Was I to pay the highest price for it?
I looked up at the bridge again. A moan broke out of my chest and I rushed up the steps. I knew I could survive this day only if I managed not to think about the worst, only if I could concentrate on logistics. I was searching. I had to think only about the process, not the end result. I was looking through the streets and the shops, canals and rafts, everywhere where we had been together and where I knew he had been on his own. At one point I stopped looking at the streets and concentrated on canals. I knew it meant I was losing hope, but true to my word I concentrated on logistics. I was looking at the railings without thinking of what exactly I was looking for.
I found myself on another mooring platform. It was a very quiet spot, almost hidden from the outside world, encased in walls on three sides. I leaned against one of the walls and slumped to the ground. I buried my face in my knees and drifted off for a moment. When I looked up, my gaze was drawn to a white piece of paper. Since, as a diligent detective, I was examining everything, I pulled myself up and leaned over to get the receipt.
It startled me straight away. It was from my favourite place - La Paletta. The next moment my breath seized up. I saw the balance on that bill: £101.11.
The passing breeze easily brushed the piece of paper out of my weakened hands and carried it away. I followed it with my eyes, feeling the flow in my body coming to a halt. I knew my desperate search was meaningless. If I had ever stood any chance of finding him in Venice, I was a few hours too late. I tried to comfort myself, saying to myself that he could have left Venice. He was safe and sound, just not here… But deep inside I knew, I had known all along, he hadn’t left. I had to do what I feared most.
I took my mobile out of my pocket, the mobile that was in there only thanks to Dominique. I called a number I had stored there. The number for the hospital. It was answered by a female.
‘I’m looking for a missing man,’ I stuttered.
‘Name?’
She was refreshingly formal and professional. She must have been dealing with this sort of enquiry all the time. I felt in safe hands. For some inexplicable reason this detached, cold voice sounded reassuring. I slurred his name and waited in stupor.
‘He’s stable,’ she said.
‘What?’ I almost let my phone go for the second time. Heavens! He’s alive!
It mattered so little to me at that time that he was unwell. He was here, he was with me. Heaven had given him back to me.
‘What’s wrong with him?’
‘Overdose.’
I couldn’t even thank her and I just thought sorry as I was disconnecting and slipping to the ground. I was going to see him in a matter of minutes. And from that moment on I would never… never let go of him again.
Tears were running down my cheeks freely as I approached his bed. He was on a drip feed and his face was covered with an oxygen mask. I slumped on his chest as soon as I sat down by his bed. I lifted myself straight away, as I was worried I was obstructing his breathing.
‘Ralf, baby, it’s me,’ I whispered cupping his cheek.
He moved and his eyelashes fluttered. I squeezed his hand and covered it with kisses. I kissed it until another surge of tears seized up my breath again.
‘I’m taking you away,’ I finally gasped. ‘I’m moving you where you’ll be safe.’
I didn’t know if he’d heard me. But the heaving of his chest and the regular rhythm of his heart were making words meaningless and redundant. Heaven had given him back to me. Now I had to deliver my part of the bargain.
******
‘So, how long can you be away for?’ Ralf asked as we were disembarking on the deserted embankment and taking a heavy gust of wind. His words were almost lost in the howl.
‘Ralf, I thought I’d already explained. I’ve resigned.’
‘You mean completely?’
‘How do you resign then?’
‘I thought you liked the place.’
‘Not anymore.’
‘I thought you could go back any time you wanted.’
‘That’s probably correct… They’ll take me back with open arms, but I’m not up to it anymore. Ha-ha! I love this vehicle!’
It would always strike me how much I’d missed it when I was back on my island, approaching this heap of metal. It was looking as welcoming as ever. It was like my favourite pet, who was always happy to see me.
‘Can I drive?’ Ralf asked.
I laughed.
‘You can try,’ I said, throwing him the key.
He didn’t catch it and it ended up on the ground. It scared and upset me. He was still so weak and I was treating him like my playmate. I swiftly leaned over and picked up the key. Without saying anything I held him by the elbow and took him to the driver’s side.
Ralf laughed.
‘Gosh, I’m so clumsy. Can never catch anything.’
‘That’s okay,’ I breathed, opening the car door.
I supported him as he was getting into the car. I walked around the car and climbed in. I looked at Ralf and managed to smile. I didn’t know how natural it looked. He held my hand and I bobbed my head.
‘Francesco, I’m so sorry!’ he said.
‘For what?’ I exclaimed, eyes wide.
‘I know how hard it’s been on you… I know it’s not only my roller-coaster. I’m sorry for having done this to you.’
‘What are you saying…’ I squeezed his hand. ‘I’m so very grateful to heaven for giving you back to me. I consider myself fortunate. I’m just so afraid to miss that train again. To let you slip though my fingers.’
‘Please, don’t worry so much. I’m absolutely fine and I could only slip so far here. They don’t call it isola for nothing.’
I chuckled.
‘And I don’t have any money, anyway,’ he continued.
That made me burst out laughing.
‘Good,’ I said. ‘Okay, finding the biting point can be quite tricky here.’
‘You’re talking to the guy who had classic cars in his better days.’
‘Splendid! Then you don’t need my help. This is your shining hour as a classic car enthusiast, because from now on this vehicle is yours.’
‘Are you serious?’ He gaped at me. He was genuinely surprised.
‘Yes, all yours! If we ever have an argument, now you have a place to sleep.’
He eyes fixed on me.
‘I’m joking!’ I gasped. ‘Me and my big mouth! I’m joking! I didn’t mean it. I can’t imagine us having an argument, but if some such thing happens, I know a few dozen people here who would let me in for a night. And you’ll know them all in a couple of weeks.’
‘Anyway, I’ll keep the present. And I’m all looking forward to meeting new friends,’ he grinned.
He wasn’t joking about classic cars. He started the engine with one light stroke. The coordination of different parts of his body and my (well, his) car was simply perfect. In a moment we were already on our way,
‘You’re just made for each other,’ I remarked.
‘Don’t worry, you won’t be left out. It’s the three of us from now on. Jeez, what weather!’
‘It’s not that bad for winter.’
‘In winter the weather is not the most important thing. What happens indoors is the priority.’
‘I’m afraid there won’t be too much of that around here,’ I snorted. ‘What do you think is happening indoors in winter here? Nothing! In summer we at least have tourists and Venetians chilling out, everything is open. Now it’s dead.’
He frowned.
‘I just wonder how long you’ll last here with my company as an answer to everything.’
I laughed heartily.
‘Ralf, this is where I was born and grew up. I certainly know how to keep myself busy here.’
‘Francesco, you’ve moved on since you were born. You’ve lived in Venice and have been treated to every luxury that place has to offer. Your body alone needs quite a bit more than…’
I placed my hand over his mouth as I could no longer listen to this.
‘Please, keep quiet, since you talk tosh. What do you think my body saw before it moved to Venice? I didn’t have sex for a year after my father passed away.’
I thought I’d startled him, but he was soon back on his track.
‘Yes, but you’ve recovered…’
‘Ralf, I’m a farmer, and, seriously, I can live on a farm my whole life. I’m more worried about you.’
‘Why? Just think what I was doing in Venice in a presidential suite, loaded as I was. Either enjoying my time with you or waiting for you. I can do the same thing here.’
I squeezed his hand and looked into his face. He didn’t turn to look at me, but I knew he felt my gaze on him.
‘But here you won’t need to wait,’ I said. ‘You’ll have me in your face like a wart on your nose.’
‘Then I think this is the right kind of place for me.’
We parked up on the roadside, collected our things and continued our journey on foot between the farms.
‘I’m so happy to be here again,’ he said. ‘Isola Di Fiore.’
‘Cold water only, septic tank and firewood for heating.’
‘And Francesco for hot water bottle.’
‘I can guarantee a hot bottle.’
We giggled.
We reached our hut and walked in. Yeah, the problem with this idyll was that it would take at least an hour to warm it up in winter. Admittedly, the wind today was blowing from the south and the gusts would actually make the place warmer.
As soon as we dropped our bags, I pulled a bottle of Champagne out of one of them and said to Ralf, ‘Let’s go to the beach! It’s colder inside than outside and we don’t have a view here.’
‘Our new glasses!’ Ralf exclaimed excitedly.
‘Ah, yeah…’
When we had been leaving Venice, we bought a pair of beautiful Champagne flutes, because we thought that despite the fact that we were condemning ourselves to a life of austerity, we would be drinking a lot of Champagne. I wondered how long we would last on my savings.
Ralf found the flutes, we grabbed a blanket and set out. While we were walking through the farmlands between fences it was nice and quiet. I thought it was brightening up and even dared to hope for a bit of sun. We were in high spirits and joked all the way. ‘Joked’ was a very strong word. Just talking a lot of nonsense and laughing at our own stupidity.
Once we stepped out in the open, with a panoramic view of the lagoon, the wind almost knocked us over. The contrast was startling. I grabbed Ralf, because I seriously worried he would be blown away in the state he was in. He was recovering very slowly. I’d hoped at least I would be able to restore him physically on the island, with simple food and fresh air. Venice was still a dump, granted a glorified one.
There could be no question of spreading the blanket out on the sandy beach and I threw it down folded, hoping we would just sit down on it as it was.
‘Okay, let’s open the bottle,’ Ralf said. ‘Do you want me to open it?’
‘You concentrate on staying on your feet,’ I said peeling off the foil. He chuckled holding out two glasses.
I pulled out the cork and we didn’t even hear the pop. Ralf decided to substitute the sound effect with cheering and clinking glasses. I took one of the glasses and tipped the bottle. That tiny bit of liquid that I allowed out of it immediately sprayed all over us with an insolent gust. I turned round and protected the bottle with my back. Ralf stood behind me and opened his arms as a scarecrow. To no avail. This time I spilled a good part of the bottle hoping it was going to work.
‘Forget the glasses,’ Ralf said, taking the bottle from my hands. ‘We shouldn’t have bought them. Who said you need glasses to drink Champagne?’
With these words he tipped the bottle up and took a generous swig. He lowered the bottle, wiped his mouth and smiled at me. I trembled in awe, of all things, looking at him. Once again I experienced an acute feeling of gratitude that he was still with me and I could hold him and protect him for as long as I lived. I threw my arms around him and clasped him to my chest. I then pulled away, but continued to hold him around his back. He passed the bottle over to me and I took a sip.
The lagoon opened before us. It was at its most magnificent in weather like this. When all the islands were touched with a mist. When the space around seemed infinite and distant, yet you knew that life was all around and no matter what direction you chose, you would find something familiar. I thought I would probably save him here. I dared to hope that the gods of Venice hadn’t given him back to me for nothing.
The End