Chapter 5
When I opened my eyes it was late. It was very late, but Francesco was still in my arms. It spread bliss through my body. I smiled when I hugged him. Then I just looked up and stared into the celling unable to wipe that smile off my face.
‘Ready for coffee?’ Francesco murmured.
I don’t think he was. He was still struggling to move his unruly eyelids.
‘I’ll make it. Stay where you are and take your time.’ I raised my torso, resting on my elbows.
‘No. Let’s have it outside.’
‘Hmm… What a wonderful idea!’
‘I thought we could do with taking in a bit of the world outside. Did you go out yesterday?’
‘Just to the front steps. I saw Gio with his barge.’
‘Ah, did he remind you about his portrait?’ Francesco chuckled.
‘No, we didn’t talk about the portrait.’ I shook my head and looked away. That reminded me of something.
‘What’s wrong?’ Francesco asked.
‘Francesco, are you alright?’
‘Me?’
‘Yes,’ I said looking into his eyes.
He sat up and said, ‘Why are you asking?’
‘You see, Gio told me you were not well when you came to work here and that until… recently you were quite dispirited.’
‘Did he really say that?’
‘Well, not in those exact words.’
‘I didn’t realise…’ Francesco drawled. ‘Or rather I don’t believe I was like that. What must have happened here… knowing Gio… You see, people here knew about my father. I did confide in a couple of my co-workers. I’ve never told Gio about it, but you know, people talk. I don’t believe my behaviour betrayed any signs of low mood. As a matter of fact, as soon as I arrived here I felt much better. It was the right decision to leave that island. Here everything changed. I was surrounded by people. I was working all the time. It kept my mind occupied. But my unfortunate story must have made Gio think that I was troubled and see things that weren’t there at all. Or possibly he didn’t know what he was talking about, just making conversation with you. He does talk a lot and not all of it makes sense.’
‘Did you confide in Marianne?’
‘Yes, she was one of those I confided in. Why are you asking?’
‘No, I just thought you two were close.’
‘We’re friends. Not sure what “close” means.’
‘Anyway, it’s great! I thought you were alright, but then I became suspicious that maybe I just couldn’t see what other people could, because of my own problems. I was worried about you.’
‘Don’t worry, because I’m fine. I can’t say I’ve completely put it behind me, but it certainly doesn’t affect my psyche.’
‘You’ve definitely found the right milieu for yourself.’
Francesco threw a quick glance at me and left the bed. It made me feel awkward. I actually hadn’t intended any innuendos. I looked up at him.
‘And this is what we’re trying to achieve for you,’ Francesco said.
‘I’m alright for now. I don’t think I will ever be as comfortable with people as you are. I’m an introvert. I prefer nature to people…’
‘And not Venice?’ Francesco asked with a wry smile, looking at me sideways.
‘Well,’ I chuckled. ‘I like cities too, true. What I meant is that I don’t like to socialise as much as you do. I like a lot of people around, yes, but not necessarily making contact with me, just being there. It’s at odds with the painter in me, when you think about it. I struggle to work in solitude, in silence. I need the buzz around me. This is why when I work in the studio, I take frequent breaks…’
‘To run off to a local caff?’
I burst out laughing.
‘Yes,’ I admitted.
‘You’ll be alright,’ Francesco snorted. ‘Just as I am. I’m off to the shower. We’d better hurry. My shift starts at eleven. We only have an hour or so.’
The morning was glorious. We exited the hotel in excitement and walked with our hands entwined. I looked into the sky and it was deep blue. Not a cloud obscuring it. Not enough mystery for a drawing, but enough colours for just living your life and enjoying every moment. I thought of my drawing again, and again said to myself that I should recover it. But I forgot all about it the very next moment.
We entered a small, vaulted place where we were the only customers at the time. We ordered only coffee.
‘How long is your shift today?’ I asked Francesco.
‘It’s till 2 a.m. again. I’ve just taken my time to sleep.’
‘Where are your duties today?’
Francesco didn’t answer straight away and took a sip of his coffee. Unfortunately, I could see clearly that he didn’t want to answer. It wasn’t a case of forgetfulness.
‘I’m at different places. I think, I start on the floors. It’s very hectic today. A lot of arrivals.’
Got it…
‘If you need me, you know where the board is.’
‘Thank you, don’t worry. I’ll be alright.’
‘Why don’t you go out today? The day is so beautiful. I wish I could join you.’
‘I’ll think about it.’
We didn’t really converse much after that. Francesco had to rush, and it was for the better. I thought he was fully aware that he’d suggested, for the first time, that I should get the fuck out of the hotel and not get in the way. And this delayed reference to the board was a clear signal for me not to use it. I knew very well what he was doing on the floors. A lot of arrivals, my arse…
I had no intention of going to the board. I was actually taking this change quite well. I had already decided that I was not going to lose him and I was prepared to play by his rules. I was repeating to myself like a mantra: I’ll keep you in my life on any condition. I knew I needed this man, and that was the most important thing. The rest was Christmas decorations that were not supposed to last longer than the festivities.
I did go out and even tried to enjoy it, but I soon discovered that I wasn’t mentally ready for it. Five days post crisis were simply not enough to heal the wounds and I had to acknowledge it.
I went back to the hotel. I first tried to use the service elevator, but I lost patience waiting for it. It was a busy day indeed. I used the guests’ elevator, but it didn’t go all the way up. I ended up on the top guest floor and had to walk across the corridor to get to the small staircase that could take me all the way up to the loft. I turned round a sharp corner… and came face to face with Francesco. He was not on his own again. He was with Dominique and I even caught his upper body movement - he swiftly moved away from Dominique. Their faces must have been close together before I appeared. His look changed suddenly as he saw me, and unfortunately there was not a trace of that tenderness I had seen in a similar situation a day ago. Francesco looked caught off-guard. Perhaps part of the reason was that I had approached too quietly. I didn’t know how to deal with this situation. I had simply walked into it.
‘Ralf!’ Francesco called. ‘Are you alright?’
‘Yes.’
‘How can I help?’
I was completely taken aback. I preferred to attribute it to his surprise, but still thought such formal language was uncalled for.
‘I was just going back to… the room,’ I said. I had almost blurted out ‘our room’, but thankfully stopped in time.
‘Ah, good. Did you go out?’
‘Yes, I had a pleasant walk.’
‘Good, good…’
‘I’ll see you later,’ I said briskly and hurried to the staircase. Of course, he was not going to believe that I had not been looking for him. But fuck it. I was in an impossible situation.
I threw myself on the bed face down and tried not to think about anything for a few moments. I turned around and looked at the room. For the first time I truly appreciated how tiny it was. It was not a place for two people. For two people who barely knew each other? It was a disaster waiting to happen. If even I had come to realise it by now, Francesco must have thought of it ages ago. I was still head over heels for him. I knew that his state of mind was very different. Now, Ralf, if you really want to keep Francesco, you have to remove yourself from this room. Only distance can now keep him close…
Easier said than done. I didn’t want to go anywhere. My first tour around the town on my own just didn’t work. I still depended on him to function properly. Musing like that I gradually dozed off and, to my great surprise, slept for many hours.
I woke up in the dark and experienced acute loneliness. I was missing Francesco again, even more than before, because now I knew that our cosy sleeping arrangements could not last for too long. The time was nearing 2 a.m. and it gave me thrills. I was about to see Francesco. Feel his body again next to mine. Take in his smell…
But Francesco didn’t appear at 2. He didn’t appear at 3. Past 3 a.m. I fell asleep again, now all anxious and restless. I woke up at 8 and was almost certain that Francesco had not been here. Perhaps he could no longer tolerate these sleeping arrangements.
I couldn’t stay without any news of Francesco. I needed to go and see him, and if he didn’t want to sleep with me any longer, I had to hear it from his mouth.
I went to the board and saw that Francesco was on the bell, which basically meant he was in the kitchen. I went downstairs.
As I was entering the kitchen I heard voices, one of which was definitely Francesco’s. The second one was a woman’s voice and belonged to Marianne. By the time I reached them, the voices had died out and the two were locked in a long kiss. It startled me. This kiss was more gentle than passionate. Francesco’s one hand was cupping her cheek. His other hand was tenderly passing over her frizzy hair. There was chemistry between them, oh, yeah… It was like they were made for each other’s arms. Looking at this I could see clearly that I was not part of Francesco’s life. I was an aberration. An intrusion. It was absolutely the worst thing I could stumble across, and I thought I had seen it all by then.
I turned around to go. I could barely think and didn’t have a clear idea where I was heading.
‘Ralf!’ I heard Francesco’s voice.
I wasn’t going to stop, but he blocked my way. I looked at him, but said nothing.
‘Ralf, are you alright?’ he said with concern in his voice, squeezing my shoulders.
‘You don’t need to ask me every time if I’m alright. I came to see you, yes. But only because you didn’t show up last night and I was worried.’
‘You could have called me.’
‘Hardly,’ I chuckled.
‘You could have texted me.’
‘Still, I didn’t want to disturb you.’
‘Ralf, you have an absolute right to call or text me any time. I’ve granted you that.’
‘Thank you.’
‘C’mon, let’s go,’ Francesco said, taking me by the hand.
‘Where?’
‘Upstairs.’
‘No, please, get on with your work. I’ll be alright. I just wanted to see you to make sure you were okay. I can see you are. That’s all I wanted to know.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes, absolutely. Finish your shift and then come to see me.’
‘Okay. And please text me if you want to know where I am.’
‘Sure,’ I dropped, and left the kitchen.
I couldn’t remember how I ended up in the loft room. Couldn’t even be sure if I had taken the lift or the stairs. I just found myself sitting on the bed and gazing into the skylight. I could see almost nothing. The sky was grey. There was no other colour.
I had to act now. This was the end of the line.
I knew I was in a bad way. Actually, critical. I knew that I had to act to save myself. It wasn’t the situation I was saving. It wasn’t our relationship with Francesco I was worried most about. It was myself. My life. I still valued it very little, but I feared the agony. The end was never terrifying. What brought it about always was. That terror alone kept me going.
My plan was simple. My reasoning was pragmatic. I was completely lovesick. I was emotionally dependent on Francesco. I was nothing without him. I would only exist with the touch of his hand…(Very apt choice of poetry, indeed, Francesco!) For him, on the other hand, I was… almost nothing. Not even a friend, not even a colleague… Not even one of those numerous people who surrounded him in this hotel and played an important role in his life. I wasn’t even one of them. I was lower than the low. It was this insignificance that was killing me. I was weak and lived off his mercy. He was my master and could kill me with a flick of his finger.
I wanted to raise my standing. I wanted to leave him, to leave this misbalanced relationship, and come back, but as a strong man, as a giver… I wanted to appear before him in a different guise - that of success, that of confidence and prosperity. Yes, I was going to use money. Not to buy him, but to change the dynamic between us. To tune that instrument that had been playing off-key all this time.
I took my mobile out of my pocket and found the number of the hotel I had booked in Venice. I dialled it and spoke, giving my name and my booking details. I heard the clicking of the keyboard. I was late by a week.
‘I’m sorry, with your type of booking I can’t offer a refund.’
‘I know. This is not why I’m calling. Can I have my room now?’
‘Now? We’ve given it to another guest.’
‘Any other room?’ I may have been depressed, yet it didn’t escape my attention that they had kept my two-week advanced payment, but hadn’t kept my room available for me.
‘We’re fully booked. We have only the presidential suite left.’
‘It’s fine. I’ll take it.’ I didn’t care. I was depressed, after all.
‘Let me see what I can do for you…’ the person on the phone faltered.
I was losing patience. Were they now going to tell me that the presidential suite had just been booked online?
‘Hello!’
‘Yes, I’m here,’ I said.
‘I’ve spoken to my manager. I’ll be able to transfer your payment to this booking.’
‘Excellent! Thank you.’
‘How long will you be staying with us?’
‘Two weeks? I don’t know.’
‘That’s okay. You don’t have to decide now. We’ll keep the money you’ve already paid as a deposit and the rest will be due when you check out.’
‘That’s fantastic! Now, tell me, how I can find you?’
‘Will you be arriving by train or by plane?’
‘I’m already in Venice.’
‘Where are you?’
‘Just behind Santa Maria de la Fava.’
‘Hmm… You’re not that far. What street are you on?’
‘Hmm… Can’t say.’ I didn’t want to mention Calle de la Malvasia.
‘Can you tell me what you see in front of you?’
Roofs. I could see only roofs, but I looked at the picture on my mobile phone that I had previously taken in front of the main entrance and said, ‘I’m looking over a canal. There’s a white building on my right, yellow building on my left and red buildings as far as you can see, until the canal bends.’
‘Are you in front of our hotel?’
What??? Can’t be…
‘Jeez, Calle de la Malvasia…’ I stuttered.
‘Yes. Would you like to come in?’
I hung up.
All this time I had been at the hotel I had booked! I hadn’t got the street wrong twice. I was only a few meters away from my destination when… Only proved how feeble a human mind was.
I was in fighting spirit, so I quickly sprang to my feet. I picked up my less than numerous belongings and left the room without so much as a sigh. I was looking forward to my new life.
When I found myself in the lobby, I realised I had spoken to Fabio at the reception desk. I knew him by name, but I had never talked to him before. When he saw me, there was also a mark of recognition on his face. When I spoke it turned to confusion.
‘Fabio, I’ve just spoken to you over the phone,’ I said. ‘I’ve booked your presidential suite. It was me.’
‘You! Sorry, I can’t remember your name.’
‘It’s okay. I don’t believe we’ve been formally introduced.’
‘My colleague will take you…’ Fabio faltered.
‘Oh, no!’ I raised my hand. ‘There’s no need. I don’t have too many pieces of luggage to take. And… well,’ I chuckled. ‘I know my way around this place.’
I smiled to the doorman on duty and took my key from Fabio. Thankfully neither Francesco nor Dominique was on door duty today. I didn’t know this one very well, not even his name. It was a big hotel and if you wanted to avoid someone here, you could do so with a little effort.
‘Fabio, could I have a bottle of Laurent Perrier in my room and some fruit. Yeah, your strawberries with Chantilly would be perfect.’
‘Yes, sir,’ Fabio said. ‘Anything else?’
I actually opened my mouth at how cheeky this question was. Yes, your best bellboy, the expected answer was. I didn’t need to say it out loud. For a moment I regretted I had stayed in this hotel.
I went upstairs and entered my presidential suite. I knew about this room. It was occupied on only rare occasions because of its size and price. I had never been in it before and frankly it exceeded all my expectations.
It was a Venetian palace in its own right. Tall floor-to-ceiling windows adorned by opulent blue curtains with gold embroidery. Chandeliers in the shape of cupids. I looked up and as sure as hell saw a decorated plafond with scenes from Roman mythology. Sumptuous baroque style furniture. And this was only the reception room. I opened a door on the right and found myself in the bedroom. I saw a bed standing on a raised platform, as on a stage, with a canopy in calm beige and gold. A large cabinet mirror. I walked to the window. This was my favourite view with the snaking canal and the wrought iron bridges, the one I had described to Fabio only a few minutes ago. Yes, Francesco, you may enter…
I only waited for a few moments before I heard a knock on the door. I hoped Fabio had followed my silent instructions and that it was Francesco. I didn’t want to leave this hotel any longer.
I didn’t say, ‘Come in.’ I went to the front door to open it myself.