Noah

 

There’s nothing weak about Sena Black. Not the young girl I met four years ago nor the woman I know now. If anything, she is the stronger of the two of us.

She always has been. Even when she doesn’t recognize it.

She’s the one to put her heart on the line and risk rejection.

She’s the one with the durable will to endure me.

I’m not an easy person, and I know this. It’s how I am.

I don’t suffer fools lightly.

I don’t have the tolerance for stupidity in any walk of my life. I live hard, I’ve played hard but all that meant nothing now I know I’ve hurt the one person who trusted me. Loved me.

And she loved me. I think I’ve killed it now. Goddamn motherfucker.

She never allowed me to get away with my egotistical bullshit, she called me on it often, and Sena never failed to make me smile.

Diminutive in stature, her soul is fucking huge. Her capacity to care is fathoms in size.

She’s the goddamn sun.

And as I replayed the security recording again watching her smiling, walking through my club in that excited bouncy way of hers that told me she was full of energy to see me. I kept on watching her move around the crowd to where she knew I would be. I see nothing but serene, open love on her face.

Love for me.

She loves me.

And though I don’t want to, I wanted to hit stop there, while she’s still her joyful self, while my kitten was happy.

I don’t.

I’ve already watched it a thousand times.

I know what’s coming.  

My gut fisted in anticipation of seeing the second turn into something sour. No matter how much I delayed, the remote in my hand, thumb pressed on pause, it didn’t make it any less gutting when her small figure stopped in the middle of the club, surrounded by strangers and I witnessed her shoulders droop suddenly.

I read her body like my very own book.

I know what she’s feeling. Thinking. Seeing.

The grainy black and white picture showed the moment I’d broken her heart when she saw me with Tom.

There we are, plain to see.

She watched as my ex palmed my jaw and got in closer to speak in my ear.

She watched while I laughed at what he says.

She doesn’t know what he’s saying.

She has it all wrong.

But I watched Sena on the screen as she translated what she’s saw, and it didn’t equal to any sum she liked.

I observed this as a man with every tie to this one woman, and her emotions stabbed the sharp pointed end through my belly.

It ripped me open.

She’s in pain and I caused it.

I’ve spent weeks drunk on her.

Lost in the intoxicating new sensation that’s my kitten.

And in a second, it was all gone.

And I’m fucking alone. Not just figuratively. I feel it in that place that belonged to Sena. She’s gone from me just like that.

She didn’t stop to fight, to poke her little finger into my chest and demand answers.

This isn’t her.

She sticks her nose in my business all the time and I fucking love it.

But this … watching her run out of my nightclub, each camera picking her up as she exited swiftly and then the recording has no more of her …  

It’s like we’ve been walking on eggshells this entire time and it’s my fault.

My sweet, beautiful, friend.

She’s believed it not enough to fight.

Almost as if she’s been waiting for this.

And it’s my doing.

I never reassured her.

How could I? For fucks sake, this was as much as a surprise to me as it was to her. I didn’t wake up one morning and decide I was no longer queer.

This wasn’t a choice, just like being gay wasn’t a choice.

It’s who I am, and I was one hundred percent good with who I was.

I was a gold card carrying queer. I’d never touched a pussy let alone desired to touch one before Sena.

But as the saying goes, no one planned for love.

It just fucking happened, and no one was more surprised than me to know I fell in love with a woman.

Not just loved my kitten. I fucking worship the goddamn ground that woman tiptoes on.

Her smile my currency. I would give anything for her laugh when she’s poking fun at me.

I’ve hurt her.

Her joy was mine and now her sorrow is mine.

Her unfettered emotionalism was refreshing.

As it went, she made me a better man.

I was a prick when we met. To her. To everyone.  Not on purpose, not really, but that never bothered Sena, she didn’t stand for it. I was in my own ego and she laughed in my face.

It was the first stirring I’ve ever had for a woman so to say it knocked me on my fucking ass was an understatement.

Who was this woman? I remembered thinking. And how dare she get in my face and not leave me alone. I just wanted her to leave me the fuck alone, she was too cheery, too bright, too fucking intoxicating and I equally wanted to shove her away and yank her in to observe her at the same time. It’s been the same way ever since.

Fast forward to today, she’s my best friend. Plenty of best friends fall in love. I have no explanation for it and I don’t really fucking care to analyze the why’s.

I love her. She loves me. Or she did.

That’s what mattered in my misery. She loved me, and I knew it.

She was worried, and I didn’t pay attention. Maybe if I had this wouldn’t be happening. I was too busy dicking my girl, too busy falling in love with her soul to notice she was nervous.

Fuck. I missed her body already.

It’s been less than six hours and I missed her smile, her heart, the way she has of looking at me like she sees something more than I am.

I’m no-one, not really.

I have money and things, but she made me, as stereotypical corny as it sounds, she made me be better, to act better, to want to be a nicer person, at least for her.

I can’t fucking stand this feeling.

It’s boiling acid in my belly and as frustrated as I am to go home and talk this through I know she won’t be there.

Tossing the remote onto the table, I inhaled hard, the pain remaining in my gut.

Sena’s image as she left the club froze on screen. I dropped my head into my hands and scraped blunt nails over the back of my skull. Fuck me, what have I done?

I still tasted her from this morning.

She’s in my bones. In my skin. If I don’t get her back, I’ll go mad.

For the millionth time I tried to call, and it dropped me to voicemail. My anger bubbled. I’ve no leash on it if I don’t have her and if I don’t have Sena then the city better stay the fuck away from me.

She’s my light.

“Kitten, you are my fucking world. Don’t go away from me. I know what you saw. Let me explain.” I rasped on her voicemail. My voice stricken.

I’ve left countless messages now and I’m becoming desperate.

 

KingOfManhattan: Please, baby. Pick up the phone. Tell me where you are, I’ll come.  

 

Now I bring back what is mine.

Whatever I gotta do.

There’s no ceiling on this.

For her I’d break laws.

She’s mine.

Will always be mine.

Having her in my life has superseded everything and I never told her. Not really. Not in the way she deserved. I was a coward prick, afraid to admit what was glaringly fucking obvious, but no more. I know what I want, who I want. It’s been Sena for a long time, she was on the fringes of my desire, and while we both had other relationships, I was too goddamn cowardly to act on what my heart and my body were telling me. That this woman, somehow became my everything.

One misunderstanding lost in translation later and she’s disappeared like she was never here, and my heart was torn from my body.

I stand quickly and swing into my jacket. I do the automatic thing by picking up cell, keys, wallet. I didn’t talk to my manager on the way out of Frost. I can’t get words through the fire in my chest, so I ignored everyone while I drove with no destination. Only that I need to find her.

Find my Sena.  

I was born a queer, I’ll die a queer, but fuck, there’s only one woman for me, and she’ll belong to me forever.

We’ve been falling in love for four years. Don’t ask me why, I have no answers. Why does the squirrel climb a tree? Because he can. Because he wanted to. Because he knows that’s where he’s meant to fucking be.

I felt it in my veins.

She’s where I’m meant to be.

And now she’s run from me.

I’m completely, unquestionably in love with my girl. I have to believe it’s not too late to tell her and fix it.

It’s not as though I’ve compartmentalized our relationship. She’s every facet of my mind now. I wake and she’s the first thing I think of, wondering if she’s slept okay. Has she eaten enough, is she happy? How can I make her happy? Her laugh is a fucking tonic, straight heroin to my bloodstream.

I don’t know why I feel these things. Only that I do.

I want to protect her from everything, never let a thing hurt her.

Only it’s me that’s hurt her.

I love her.

I fucking love her.

Wholly unimaginable, yet here I am in love with a woman.

My woman.

My Sena.

Manhattan swallowed me up, I knew she wouldn’t be home, but it’s where I drive, with one roaring noise through my ears.

Sena.

She’s mine.

 

 

To be Continued…

Find out Sena and Noah’s conclusion in;It Was Always Love.