“You look fuckable tonight. Are you wearing panties?” Noah’s full palm covered my backside, squeezing a little, testing out my pantie line, for which I had none. My outfit matched his suit subtly in a lighter shade of blue, the multi-layered lace skirt hit me mid-thigh and ruffled in the breeze. The top was fitted to my form and cut off one shoulder and it accentuated across my bust. I love it, it’s one of my dresses that make me feel like a princess instead of the geek slob I was most days.

Because it’s been a constant flux of design and computer geek work the last couple of weeks, I’d started to resemble a hermit in VS sweatpants so when a party invite came through my inbox I pounced on it and forced Noah into going with me.

Surprisingly he agreed, and I chose which suit I wanted him to wear. It’s deep blue with a slight silk shine. I teamed it with a button down crisp, white shirt and a vivid blue and white splash pattern tie and tan shoes. He looked so fucking edible I kissed around his throat for a minute smelling his fragrance.

This, if I were not mistaken … felt like a date.

A real date, not one spent naked under the shower crying out from a finger-fucked orgasm date.

Going out together in public for the first time It feels like an incredible big deal. Least, to me it does, but then I’ve allowed my delusions to spin a myriad of scenarios these past weeks.

For a queer who was now getting the wet and tight from a woman Noah was extraordinarily blasé about the whole thing. I was still waiting for him to bring up the topic of where this all was going and thanks for the fucks but I’m going back to dicks now conversation.

I knew he was still talking to Tom, I’ve seen that dickdouche’s name appear on his texts a few times and it makes me feel sick to my stomach because I haven’t brought it up with Noah. Ever.

Oh, hey. So, Tom’s back? A few times, right after Tom texted, Noah went out. It could be a big coincidence but it’s one of those things I’ve pushed inside a box and buried in the back of my mind.

I hate avoidance. It’s making me ill.

But again, for tonight, with Noah so handsome in his suit, hands slid into his pants pocket while he waited for me, I let the avoidance reign once more.

Noah is a beautiful man, men want him. But he’s also an honest one. If he hasn’t told me about Tom, then I know there’s a reason. I can wait.

He thought I looked fuckable. A flush crept up my neck, filling my face with much delighted heat I wanted to howl a tiny bit. Not even going to lie. I loved his praise and the way his eyes skimmed over my attire.

Noah’s attention is addictive.

I am wearing panties but now I kind of wish I wasn’t.

“You have the manners of a tom cat.”

His smirk was villainous. “I love when you get southern.” Strong fingers skimmed down my hip. Possessively. And I wondered where this side of him has been hiding. “You get one hour to be a social butterfly at this thing, eat canopies, sing Happy Birthday, then I’m taking you home.” He rasped into my ear in a tone I didn’t misunderstand, bending his impressive frame so his instructions only reached my ears. Sending the nastiest hot, horny shudders down my thighs all the while unaware people had no idea what Noah just said as they exchanged greetings, or just how turned on I was. He didn’t touch me in any way indecent, just his hand on the base of my back and I’d swear he was licking me all over.

My breath hitched. “What happens once we get home?”

Like I needed to ask.

I wanted to hear him say it.

Nonchalantly, with his rust voice he told me. “It will start in the car, I’ll make sure you’re wet enough at the apex of your thighs because the minute we reach my apartment your feet won’t touch the floor for a long time, Sena. I have energy to expel and I intend to do it pumping you deep and fast. On the bed, over the coffee table, against the kitchen counter. Anywhere I can push into your too-tight pussy under this dick-tease of a dress. Am I being clear enough for you?”

Oh, god. I could come right now.

The words lightly brushed against my ear were meant only for me and had the effect he was intending when I inhaled hard enough I practically cause a tornado to sweep through the hotel’s event room.

Tables decorated in the softest rose gold pinks, balloons and beautiful flowers dotted everywhere giving a warm ambiance to the entire space, music played, the sounds of laughter and animated conversations amongst the two hundred and fifty strong guest list.

And I don’t take in any of it.

Because all I can think about now is getting Noah under my dress that teased his dick.

A very smirking Noah watched my face go through the gambit of emotions.

The imagery had me wild.

“Take me somewhere.” My belly went through a series of flips and warm rolls.

His brow arched. “What, right now?”

Amusement stroked through his rich vocal cords and I handed him my flute of champagne. I wanted my hands on him in the worst way.

What a dirty one-tracked mind I’d developed in recent days, when just a suggestion from him and I was ready to overlook it was very good friend’s thirtieth birthday party.

Okay, she wasn’t that good of a friend. I knew her through another friend and yoga class, but surely it was considered bad manners to leave a party to hook up.

Noah’s fingers tightened on my hip forcing my gaze up.

Need looked back at me.

As far as the birthday girl was informed my plus one was only a friend.

A friend I wanted to climb and impale myself on right now in front of parents and helium balloons. “Meet me in the lobby in three minutes.” He told me casually and walked off leaving me there with my underwear bursting on fire.

His informal dominance released a flow of wetness to a place so hungry for him it was a wonder I was not banshee calling for all and sundry to hear.

The bonfire in my abdomen spat flames.

Longest three minutes of my life.

I’d never done this before. Skipped out of somewhere for the sole purpose of hooking up. Wicked and sinful excitement had my fingers jittery as I checked my phone clock six million times.

Thankfully fate was on my side because the birthday girl was accepting gifts right when it was time to slip out of the room.

My feet carried me into the spacious lobby while my heart banged around my chest.

Oh, there he was.

Standing godlike by the elevator, arched brow watching me approach.

The man was too much of everything.

Big and handsome.

Dark and a little strike of danger.

“Exactly three minutes.” He smirked slipping his arm around the back of me right when the elevator doors dinged open and announced it was at ground level. He ushered me inside and pressed a button, again the mechanical female voice told us we were heading to the Eleventh floor. “Did you book a room?”

I couldn’t see this type of high-class hotel renting by the hour, how Pretty Woman.

I felt a little dirty.

I smiled at the thought which quickly turned to a violent whimper dragged from my windpipe when his hand travelled from my back down to my ass, squeezing through my ruffled skirt. God, if he were to lift the hem and dip below my thong he’d feel how soaked I was.

My eyes quickly searched out a camera in each corner of the elevator, seeing none didn’t mean there wasn’t a hidden device somewhere. He nipped my ear. “I know the manager,” naturally he did. “He gave me a room key,” of course he had.

“Did you tell him it was to hook up?” Leaning into Noah so he could give me a more thorough ass pat.

“I said I had a quick bit of business I needed privacy for.” A devil smirk twitched his upper lip. He looked like a damn rogue pirate ready to pillage an entire village. “I wasn’t lying. We will be quick.”

Me being the village.

“So bad.” I grinned. The door opened, and he escorted me out, keeping his hand on the bottom of my spine as we made our way down the fifty miles long hallway.

“You’re about to find out how bad. Telling me to take you somewhere so I can pound you? You don’t know what you’ve done, Sena. The fast fuck you’re about to get, you’re going to think a desperate man is using your little body for his own pleasure. You’ll be left wondering if I’ve forgotten how to take your sex gently.”

Every puff of air left my lungs.

Good thing Noah was leading me, I don’t think my watery knees would carry me to the room by myself.

I got a big clue to Noah’s meaning the moment he used the electronic key card and he showed me in like a gentleman without a devious thought in his head. He slammed me back against the door, his mouth fixed to mine, he gave me no choice but to open when his tongue demanded entry.

No one ever kissed me the way Noah does; like he was taking my very essence out of me every time his tongue swept over mine. “Breathe,” he commanded nipping my lip.

I won’t ever tire of his kisses. His lips. His mouth.  His body on and in mine. How he used his tongue against mine was erotic and I’m caught in his desire web. Rough then soft. Gentle and commanding. His mouth was everything.

That is until he used his body.

“Through here,” he growled against my lips, half-dragging half-carrying me toward the bathroom. I dropped my purse in the living room and grabbed onto the collar of his shirt to hold up my shaking spine, all focus landed on the rough man pushing me against the bathroom counter with the wide mirror and twin gold sinks.

We were two leashed savages.

Desire crackled the air surrounding us.

This was my best friend and it’s like I’m getting to know him all over again. I love this side to him, the side to the man I’ve never seen and quickly addicted to.

What am I saying? I’ve been addicted to Noah, even without sex, since day one. Now that addiction is nuclear, boiling me from the inside.

I feel unhinged and unmoored and all I want is him.

His eyes so deep-set and filled with want caught my breath. He at least took the time to unzip my dress and he helped me step out of it, thank god one of us was thinking clearly or I would have walked back to the party like Monica Lewinsky.

“Are you going to use me now?”

His eyes flamed. “I did say a fast fuck, kitten,” his voice rasped, gaze raked over my body. By the time he stripped me I’m left in only a lacy thong and killer heels. Noah still dressed completely in his impeccable suit, it somehow became even more decadent, he looked edible and I wanted him naked. “What is this?” fingers traced both boobs.

“Tit tape.” I laughed. “It keeps them in place.”

“You have perfect breasts, you don’t need tape,” he spoke directly into my cleavage, lips laved a nipple until it was hard and aching. “Bend over, show me what I’m going to take. I want to see the pussy that’s tight enough to strangle a man.”

He had me lean forward with my hands steadied on the sink, facing our mirror images, his thumb and finger dragged my thong in such a way it pulled against my clit making me moan for more. It did nothing to assuage the feeling, only intensified how bad I need the sex he promised.

I need it right now.

“Noah…Noah.”

“Now you want to beg? After you demanded I take you somewhere, so I could sort out this bad-girl pussy soaking my fingers?” he rubbed my wanting sex, brushing his hardness on my ass, I tipped my hips back, desperately seeking.

“Yes, I’ll beg.”

“You don’t have to. Now. I’m gonna give you everything you need,” the sound of a zipper, I watched him pull both sides of his open pants aside, reaching in he pulled out the part of him that’s about to make me feel damn good and kinky to have left a party to screw in a hotel room. “So wet.” Fingers moved up the back of my thighs, shoving them apart to ply a rough touch between my legs. He didn’t bother sliding my underwear off. Like it was too big of a step to take, he pushed them aside, lined up the swollen head of his blunt cock and plunged inside on a smooth thrust, using the dip in my back in his two hands to keep me in the position he wanted.

Simultaneously, we groaned in ecstasy when he completed the first perfect slam, it was more than incredible, and Noah didn’t give me a second to adjust to his size, my wet core worked to stretch around the ache and flash of pain at his deep penetration, almost as if he were punishing me for making him behave this way.

I will take the blame.

Oh, fuck.

I will take the blame and the fucking.

Over and over he rode into me, spitting out how good I felt, how tight I’m squeezing his cock.

The position felt wholly perfect and indecent all at the same time.

There’s not one part of me that wasn’t happy in our stolen moment.

I’m teetering on delirium with every stuttered cry.

“Watch me own you, Sena,” he groaned against the back of my neck, his snapped eyes met mine in the mirror, a hand snaked around to hold over my taped chest, squeezing the pebbled bud. “You feel my belly pushing against your ass? That’s how desperate you have me.”

Thrust. Thrust.

“Hurry,” I begged out of my mind, though he’s driving into me at a frenetic pace, it’s still not enough, I need that flash of ecstasy now.

It’s like being taken by a bullet.

Already my body gathered in a hot rush. “Let go, baby.” He coached huskily.

 I felt it in my legs, deep in my abdomen.

My fingers lost their purchase on the counter, his shoves moved me no matter how I braced my feet apart, but there’s always Noah’s strong arms to hold me up, he rammed and gripped me tightly while he encouraged me to come for him.

His groan vibrated my nape as he kissed me there. “Desperate to drill you, into my beautiful kitten, what have you done to me, Sena? Fuck. I need this. I need you.” His lips on my throat, I arched back, my undulations are my way of telling Noah I want everything from him.

 “I don’t know, but keep doing it, please. Please. Oh, god, again.” I moaned with abandon. A hard impale pushed me forward and I caught myself just in time by placing both hands on the mirror.

Our images were wild.

Noah looked like he was a man possessed.

It was debauched, swift sex.

Unfamiliar sounds clawed their way out of my throat. Vulnerable, needy sounds declared my feelings for all to hear.

A twin set of grunts brushed my ear before his teeth raked my shoulder, his fingers tightened on my hips, plowing, plowing.  

Am I too wide of the mark to assume he wanted a future with me too?

It feels so much more than just sex.

I mumbled how good he feels inside me. I heard him chuckle.

Love was a great motivator, but it’s also an extreme enabler for swallowing lies. I’m so ensnared in this bubble of our own making that I can’t decide if we have something that’s working toward more than sex or I’m lying to myself.

My fear is that I see the truth clearly and I would rather hide from it behind a self-indulgent dream.

I want so much. So, fucking much it has its own flavor in my mouth.

“Noah. Oh, god.” Just like always, his cock distracted me, moving steadily against the spongy, glorious place deep inside me. My eyes flickered. I see stars and moons and happily ever after’s.

“Look at me, Sena.” He commanded of my mirror image, “see how crazy you get me to fuck you? Couldn’t even go an hour and I let you talk me into arranging a room.” His tongue scorched the side of my neck. “But that’s a joke, I was a second away from dragging you out first.” His admission turned my heart to glitter popping at will.

“I know.” I moaned. Trembling from head to toe, I felt the same desperation. I want him inside me constantly.

“I don’t think you can. I can’t get enough of my kitten’s sex when it’s pushing back on me, when I feel it too small to take everything I want to give it. Fuck, Sena.” He pushed me down onto my elbows, I cried out from the change of angle, his cock hit me in a place that made my eyes blur, everything in me shattered.

“Take it, dirty girl. Take my cock. That’s it. Oh, fuck. That’s it, baby.”

He’s there.

I’m right there with him.  

The way he bit gently into my throat like I'm a baby animal trying to wander away.

It was the beginning of the end.

Fast sure thrusts followed, taking me over until I cried out loud enough security might be alerted to a woman being murdered.

Noah’s hips go into a deep frenzy. Pumping, pumping.

I took it all.

I took everything.

He’s everything and this is everything.

Riding me through the remnants of my climax Noah followed seconds behind me and emptied on a guttural sound of pleasure torn from his chest

While I’m still afraid I won’t be okay if this with Noah all came to a sudden end, I was telling myself this this this, please let this be real, let It last. I know that it’s some of the dirtiest sex I’ve had, by far.

And it’s with my lion. The man of my fantasies riding me hard.  

When he stopped his breathing was labored, and with his mouth buried to my throat it was his strength alone holding me together. His pleasure between my legs was a brand I welcomed. I had a twisted thought to keep him there, let it dry all over my skin, to never wash again.

“Jesus. How is it this good between us, kitten? What are you doing to me?” There’s no accusation in his voice, only sated wonder as he turned me in his arms and kissed me slowly, cupping the side of my face, the kiss goes on and on, sharing moans.

Noah smiled his special smile against my lips. “You look drunk right now.” Both of his larger hands cupped the back of my neck and I’m grateful because I feel like jello inside my skin, like he melted all my marrow.

The air of his silent laugh stirred my forehead as he leaned in and kissed me right there.

My Noah kiss.

We cleaned up and headed back down to the party exactly thirty-six minutes later, gaining a smirk from the manager as Noah handed over the key card, the guy obviously guessed what the room was used for.

I kept my head up and the blush off my face. I’m not ashamed.

Right as we re-enter the party, my fingers of my free hand sought out my throat, calming my erratic pulse with long breaths, in hopes no one can see on my face what we snuck away to do and as we enter the hall where people would once again see us together Noah silently dropped my hand from inside his to return a greeting from a man he knew.

And suddenly my heart ached.

He ushered me in before him, just like the gentleman he is, and he smiled attentively at me like what he just did was no big deal and inside I’m dying a little.

I smiled back tightly and he didn’t notice.

Having just had the best sex of my life, it paled into the background while we circulated and celebrated the occasion with lively conversations, because all I feel in my heart is that moment Noah dropped the connection of our hands.

And how badly it would be if it were permanent.

 

~*~*~
 

It’s just over an hour later, as Noah said it would be, that we reached my apartment. I’d spent that time catching Noah’s eyes, always on me no matter when I looked across at him, or his hand discreetly stroked my backside when we were close. It was pure torture and he seemed to enjoy turning me on.

He introduced me to his acquaintance -Dylan- as his friend. Who else was I? Maybe it’s preposterous for him to introduce me as his lover when it’s more than obvious Dylan, a friend of the birthday girl, is known to Noah from the club scene, more than likely the gay clubs they frequent. I put it out of my mind and concentrated on what was important.

This moment here with him was important.

His hands on me in the cab ride home was important.

The way his hard body brushed against mine as we made our way inside our building was important.

Every touch meant something and told a story that was solely ours for however long it lasted.

So that’s what I focused on.

It shouldn’t feel so good to be this way with my best friend.

But it does, and I’m consumed.

Noah pressed into my back until we’re one flushed amalgamation of flesh. The hard parts of him dug into my spine as I fumbled for my damn keys.

Where the hell were they?

It’s impossible to get my fingers to do what fingers should do with him so close. I smell him, and my brain seized. “Open the door, Sena.”

I’m trying to. Oh, god.

This is what a junkie must feel like.

I find it finally after a week with him rubbing on my ass, his forearms braced above my head, and his face buried in the back of my neck, nibbling me.

I stumbled in ahead of him, laughing a little for our haste.

He stalked after me like I’m his prey.

With steady steps he advanced. His gaze boiled my blood as he urged me backwards.

My heartbeat out of control.

All I want is to get my hands all over him, rip into that pristine shirt, toss the jacket to the floor and touch Noah.

Before I could speak, the door slammed shut and he’s on me, giving me the kiss we both wanted badly. There’s no thinking past this point, I’m too hot, too much in need, I concentrated on every nerve ending that came alive.

I’m only alive when his hands were on me.

My thighs shake and open to ease the throb of my clit, god, please touch me, I wanted to moan it but Noah sucking on my tongue, eating at my mouth with hot messy kisses gives me no room for words.

My kiss to him was harder, hotter and he groaned against my lips.

We had no coordination, it’s as if we’ve waited a lifetime to fuck this way and there’s no pace to it other than to touch and take and when he dominated my body, when his hands were everywhere all at once and a cry of pleasure locked in my throat, I’m completely alive.

Noah would use his size for my protection, but I’m under no illusions his intent now is all about taking.

His voice when he spoke was thick, deep. “Are you hurting, kitten? Show me where.” His words made the ache enormously sharper. I gathered the swishy skirt around my waist and rubbed against his erection with the front of my panties. My body knew exactly what to tell him. He had me feeling like a wild animal devoid of rules of the jungle. I needed to attack.

I moaned my want into his lips, telling him where it hurt.

When he streaked his lips along my throat the last of my air puffed out, nipples going tight. I was so full of sweet pain wherever his mouth touched, when he reaches my nipple, sucking it in through the material of my dress I cried his name. Oh, god. It was too good.

My legs spread wider, the wanton in me alive and screaming for his all-consuming attention, there was no holding the compulsion inside me, far too late. His fingers found me wet. “Fuck,” he hissed, rubbing me right there in the hallway braced against a wall like we couldn’t take the time to get to a bed.

He slid in, pulled out, teasing me, touching my clit making me jump.

He went in and in, the friction was not enough,

I needed more, so much more I was dying.

The level of need should disturb me. Instead I’m driven on, trying with frustrated whimpers to pull his shirt, to feel skin, to touch Noah as much as he was touching me.

His desire moored me to him and when he was fucking me it stopped my brain from doing what I do and that was overthinking everything. Noah and the evocative ways he made me feel became an invisible line that had no end and yet I knew how brittle the tether was.

Because as we all knew; everything must come to an end eventually.

His lush bow lips parted, he heaved air.

“This,” he drove his fingers into me. “The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, Sena. So, fucking pretty and wet. Watch me fuck you.”

He seemed to do three things at once, or maybe my mind just got tangled up in the passion and the wall at my spine or the way we were fucking in the hallway of my apartment with my dress hiked twisted around my waist and his pants down by his knees.

Maybe time slowed down long enough for him to lift me up, force my legs around his waist and pull my panties to the side, and to thrust his impressive, perfect dick inside me in one smooth, hard push. And to slide those same wet fingers into my mouth, coaxing my tongue to swirl around them and taste myself.

Those three things, it was seconds and I was lost.

With every thrust I heard the clanking of his belt.

Every time his hips impacted with mine, the earth quaked through my body, a sharp burst of pleasure-pain in my clit.

“Is this how you like it? To know I’m dirty-fucking because I couldn’t help myself as soon as you soaked down my fingers?” The fingers I sucked on.

Noah’s plunged, deeper each time and I died with every strike of pleasure.

My words were damn near breathless. “God. Yes. Noah, please.”

It was indescribable heaven.

He looked gorgeous. The stern lines of his face pulled taut in concentration, his hips drilled me to the wall, it was an out of body experience being filled to completion in this way.

The humidity suddenly was swelling, so hot I panted, my heart in my throat.

“Are you okay?” He didn’t stop the motion, if anything he goes harder at me.

He was taking me. There was no other words for it. This was fucking.

“Yes. Don’t stop.”

I would die if he stopped now.

Or kill him and use his dick until I got off.

Hello, necrophilia, now that’s romance.

When we eventually do come to a halt after the pleasure raged through us, he let my legs drop from around his waist but kept me pinned between him and the wall, the hammer of his heart was felt in my own chest, two heaving bodies resting against the other, two puzzle pieces that shouldn’t have fit together but aligned perfectly, the universe making sure we were slotted nicely.

His face buried in my hair, the nuzzling my neck felt nice, perfect in fact. I caressed his nape, fingers shaking slightly, stroking over his crown tattoo.

He’s the King.

He’s my King

“Are you okay?” He asked again, lifting his head he looked directly at me from under his heavy lids.

From his tone and tip of his head I knew it wasn’t a casual question, he saw something on my face.

Maybe now.

Maybe earlier at the party.

Did I mask my sadness properly, I wondered?

My buried deep fear that I’m somehow sleepwalking through this … experience and any moment now I’m going to jolt away and be broken without him.

My fingers clung to his forearms before I force them to let go.

“Sena? Hey.” Noah cupped the side of my face angling it up. I’m unable to hide the big things from him, he’s perceptive as he is smart, nothing much gets by Noah Fierro, he can spot a bull-shitter from a mile away and I find I don’t want to ever lie to him, even by omission.

We must look like half-dressed disaster victims, sweat dotting foreheads, sex still dripping between my legs, but none of that mattered when he looked at me in that way that made my belly slide from side to side. “Hey. Talk to me, kitten.”

Nothing much else mattered when I have Noah’s full attention, the world falls away, doubts that mounted up during the in between times crumbled at our feet because together we felt perfect. I wasn’t dreaming that … was I?

How good it felt between us.

We have this perfect little thing and I’m terrified it’s temporary.

I can’t think of what will come afterward, it cripples me.

“I’m okay.” I told him.

“You’re scared?”

I answered with a nod pressed into the crook of his neck.

A place I could happily die. No man should smell this good.

Without having to explain why, he gets it. Noah smiled and kissed my already kiss-swollen lips. I would never ever, ever get used to the sensation of his mouth on mine, forget about where his gorgeous dick had just been, it’s his mouth on mine that undoes me every time.

“I am, too, kitten. But there’s nowhere else I want to be. I don’t want you to feel scared about anything and not about this because it’s new and different to us.”

I gave a nod, words escaping me. He brushed a thumb over my lip.

His smirk was devilishly reassuring, how did he do that? His eyes shined in good humor when he dropped a kiss to the tip of my nose. “I don’t want to miss out on this with you because it isn’t what we’ve been used to. You’ve always got me, Sena, you know that, even if you decide a relationship with me isn’t what you want. How can I make it better?”

He made absolute sense.

“Don’t hurt me.”

“Never.”

My face pushed into his shoulder. “Please don’t tell me lies either, to spare my feelings. If this isn’t what—”

“I don’t lie to you, Sena. I won’t be starting now.”

Relief flooded me.

What happened back at the party suddenly feels silly, to assume he’d been embarrassed by holding my hand. I took it personally.

He’d said relationship.

We’re in a fucking relationship and I can’t breathe through my burst of happiness.

And still as I laid in bed alone that night my heart beating hard, my anxiety swelling by the second when I thought about all the what ifs and what was at stake if we don’t work.

The odds, as they say, were not in my favor despite the dirty, kinky sex we’ve been experiencing, I had a lot to lose.

Were the risks worth it?

Has love clouded my judgement?

Does Noah feel the same threat of losing me from his life?

Sex was different to a man. Even a gay one.

Not even. That made me sound like a sexist pig quantifying it that way. But the truth remained, men view sex differently. I was emotionally attached to Noah long before we involved sex. Now? It’s out of control emotions.

Wall to wall emotions.

Emotions that make me crazy late at night laid in my bed when I should be in a sex-blissed sleep.

I’m just freaking myself out imagining my best fantasy coming to life which it has and then burning in a fiery flame of disaster, which it could.

It’s something I must accept could happen.

The risk right now is worth it.

Part of me ached for the easy non-complicated friendship we had, before we muddied it with my feelings and hormones because now I’m living constantly afraid of us ending and never seeing him again.

The other part longed for everything from Noah.

All the happy ever afters I have only dreamed of.

He’s the man I envision it with.

Kids. White picket fences. Family vacations, holidays and the kind of sex you only have with the one you adore.

As much as I know the odds are against me and my finger is firmly on my self-destruct button, I can't—won't turn from this.

I’m happy.

Whatever we have, however non-conventional it may be and duration; be it a day, a week, maybe a month, I can't step away from it.

It's my greatest longing, the one I sleep dreaming about.

For now, Noah is mine.

We’ve laughed and enjoyed each other so much over the years it was inevitable my lines would cross somewhere along the way.

We’ve acted like a couple.

We’ve tended to our non-conventional, dysfunctional and highly co-dependent relationship.

I fell in love with a beautiful friendship.

I was addicted. Truly, in deep.

Our friendship became a vital inhaled breath long ago.

It's sun on my face.

It's the first taste of sweetness.

Why do some people connect? I don't know. Chemistry, maybe something deeper, I'm not a scientist, I only know I needed Noah to breathe.

Whether he's my friend or he's something else.

I can't lose him.

Because without him ... I don't know how to be anymore.

We're so much more than friends. More than family.

If I were taking a line from one of my dirty romance books, I could claim we’re soul-mates, separated by the stars and we found each other again in the wrong bodies.

The queer and the geek. I giggled to myself.  There’s a book in that, I’m sure.

Just as I’m about to sleep a text brought me out of my thoughts.

 

KingOfManhattan: Sleep tight, kitten. I miss you.

 

Happiness pounded through me like a drug.